AN: So this is the longest wait ever but most of you know why I've taken so long so I will just say that I hope you enjoy the update and please leave feedback so I know you guys havent given up on me. Thanks again.
[Eli's POV]
I'd finally healed enough to check out of the hospital after two weeks only to be told I needed to serve another in a psychiatric hospital. I wasn't pleased with the thought but I knew I had to figure things out. I was now sporting gauze wrist bandages on both arms but covered them with thick bracelets which only served to irritate the stitches but it was what I had to deal. Clare had kept her word and hadn't left the hospital once. Cece hadn't taken that very well but I told her that I couldn't handle anymore drama right now. She's been able to keep her withering stares to a minimum but she doesn't think it's a good idea at all for me to spend time with Clare. Part of me agrees. It's comforting to have her there but at the same time I'm terrified that she will run for it. She was riding with us over to the hospital and I kept ringing my hands out in my lap because of how nervous I was as we approached.
"It's going to be okay. You'll be out in a few weeks and then we will start on catching you up with school work." Clare's sudden break in silence made me look at her quickly before looking back down at my shaky hands. She placed her small hand on the tops of mine and squeezed.
"I'm here." She smiled at me and I gave her a weak one in return. I couldn't help but think of how long she would be saying that once word got out that I was going to the loony bin.
We pulled up to the building and Clare took my hand as we walked in. I tried to cover the bandages immediately when the bracelets slipped up a bit. The place looked clean, white walls and white tiled floors with wooden furniture as soon as you walked through the sliding glass doors. There was something that looked like a dunk tank next to the entrance with smoky glass about half way up and what looked like airport bins stacked inside. I tried not to linger by it as we approached the front. There was a larger woman sitting at the front desk with short brown hair and a cheery smile which I felt was ironic.
"Welcome to CAMH, you must be the Goldsworthy's? We've been expecting you." She smiled brightly before standing.
"I'm Kimberly but you can call me Nurse Kim. I take it you're Elijah?" She clapped her hands together and looked at me. I glanced at my parents and shook my head.
"Just Eli is fine." I said softly feeling Clare squeeze my hand again. She glanced at Clare.
"Well Eli we have a few protocols here and I'm going to have to ask you to step into the safe chamber and remove your clothes and jewelry." I tensed immediately.
"Wh-what? No I don't want to do that." I started to pull back and Clare was still attached to my hand as I felt Bullfrog's hand on my back stopping me.
"Is there a reason why he has to do that?" Cece asked seeing how much I was ready to protest.
"It's for safety ma'am. We will give you your things back when you check out but we can't check you in for treatment if you are armed or have anything that could potentially be used as a weapon." Kim explained and I shook my head and looked up at my Dad.
"No…Bullfrog no please." I begged and he looked at me sadly before pulling me away from Clare's grip and walking me over to the box.
"You've got to son. Just take a deep breath." I wanted to be angry with him but I was trying to keep from spiraling into a panic attack as two bigger guys followed me into the box. They instructed me to take my jacket off and I hesitated but the moment they moved closer to assist me I took it off and handed it to them. I kicked my shoes off and they even wanted my socks so I gave them those too before they asked for my jeans. I looked over at my parents and they nodded. I felt my hands shaking horribly as I unbuttoned them and pulled them down before picking them up and handing them to one of the guys. I knew what they wanted next and I was terrified to take it off.
"Shirt." He said simply and I froze once more.
"C-can I please leave this on?" I whispered hoping only they could hear me. The fogged glass of the box only came up to my waist and I knew the moment I took the shirt off I would be like a freak on display.
"No sir you must take it off. You can do it or we can." I knew he meant business but he watched as my hands shook at the bottom of my shirt. I pulled it over my head slowly and tried hard not to blink and let tears escape as handed it to them. I couldn't meet my parents gaze but the first one I caught when I looked up was Clare's. She looked…horrified. There I stood with deep gashes, scabs and scars all over my chest and arms with faded bruises from my tormenters. I stood shaking before looking over at Nurse Kim with utter hatred.
"Satisfied?" I seethed through clenched teeth. She gave me a sadden smile and patted her own wrists.
"The bracelets too." I couldn't believe her. I was already standing like a freak in a cage and now she wanted to make it worse? I ripped them off and threw them before holding my bandaged wrists up.
"Did you want the bandages too!" I shouted making her sigh and signal to the men that stood near me. I hadn't realized that one of them was holding a syringe until her started moving closer.
"Whoa what are you doing?" Bullfrog asked suddenly and I was hoping he would save me as I backed into one of the big guys only to be grabbed and held tightly.
"Dad! DAD! GET OFF OF ME!" I shouted as I was stuck in the arm with the needle and felt a burning liquid rush through my veins. I watched Cece and Bullfrog argue with the nurse and Clare continued to gaze at me in fear as I went limp in the man's arms and fell asleep.
[Clare's POV]
Watching Eli go limp as they put new clothes onto his damaged body broke my heart. He was so scared and I knew as they removed his necklace and rings that the moment he woke up he would know and panic. The nurse explained that such methods are used to start patients fresh. When he wakes up he would have to face his problems alone and that's when his treatments would start. He wasn't allowed to have any visitors but Cece and Bullfrog would get calls from his doctors only however things had become so tense between them and I, I wasn't quite sure how to approach them to ask. The car ride back was silent and they dropped me off at my house without a word. The moment I shut the front door my mom looked at me pitifully as I walked over to her and cried into her arms.
"He was so scared mom and I couldn't do anything to help." I sobbed as she rubbed my back and held me close.
"There's nothing you can do sweetheart. Eli has to do this on his own." She reminded me and I nodded wiping at my face. Watching him fight so hard not to cry in front of me made my chest lurch because I could tell the moment his dimples tensed that he was fighting it.
"You need to focus on you right now and when Eli comes home see where it goes from there. He's strong Clare. Just give him this time to himself to get better." I sighed heavily into my mom as she brushed my hair off my face and I nodded.
I called Alli and asked her if she would come over and take my mind off of things but even her ranting and raving about the current drama in her life couldn't get Eli off my mind.
"Clare…if you are going to be spaced out like this until he gets out then we are going to have to throw ourselves into something." Alli sighed and I looked over at her.
"What do you mean?" I asked uninterested and Alli's face lit up.
"I've got it! Let's plan a party!" Alli said with way too much excitement.
"I'm not really in the mood to plan a party Alli." I said huffing and she thought for a moment and then jumped again.
"How about we plan something special for Eli's coming home. Sort of like a welcome home party?" Alli squealed.
"Eli isn't much for parties, plus that could be a little awkward considering of where he's coming home from." I said stating the obvious.
"Come on Clare. You can't sit here and pine for Eli until he comes home. Plus maybe a little gathering will bring some normalcy to his life for his big return." I knew Alli was trying every angle to convince me to make this work and I shook my head knowing she wouldn't stop until I caved.
"Fine but nothing too big and it can't be all about him. I know he doesn't like to be the center of attention." I said and she squealed once more before jumping up and down.
"This is going to be so much fun. You'll have to help! I'm thinking something casual at Above The Dot." Alli opened up her notebook and started brainstorming ideas. I had to laugh at her enthusiasm but for just one moment I thought about how nice it would be to hold Eli's hand at that party.
[Eli's POV]
I woke up with a jump and didn't know where I was at first. I was in a bed and wearing clothes that weren't mine and I realized my rings were gone. I felt for my chain and it too was gone. That's when my anxiety started to kick in but it was quickly stunned by a voice.
"They'll give them back when you leave." There was a girl sitting in the bed on the other side of the small room reading a Stephen King novel while it rest on her knees.
"Where am I?" I asked rubbing at my head. The girl tilted her head to the side and furrowed her eyebrows.
"What did they snatch and grab you or something?" She questioned and I rolled my eyes.
"I know where I am but WHERE am I?" I asked again as I started to feel my body ache.
"Well depending on what you're in for this is your new home." She shut her book and smiled.
"W-who are you?" I asked taking in her appearance. She had long, dark brown hair with electric blue streaks throughout it and dark eye makeup that made her gray eyes stand out.
"I'm your roommate but don't worry I won't like slit your throat in the night or pull out your hair." She joked grinning widely but something about her demeanor made me keep my guard up.
"Good to know." I rubbed the back of my neck and winced in pain.
"It's the drugs they stuck you with. They are supposed to paralyze you long enough for them to de-threat you. Your muscles will ache for a few hours but you'll be fine after that." She explained and I looked at her.
"De-threat? Who could I possibly hurt with my rings and necklace?" I asked sarcastically.
"There was a girl a year ago who killed herself by swallowing costume jewelry the side of a half dollar. Needless to say they aren't taking chances anymore. We're lucky to have rubber bands." She snapped the thin rubber band that she had on her wrist.
"Why the hell would anyone swallow costume jewelry?" I asked not really aware of what I was actually asking.
"Asks the boy who slit his wrists? Someone's of to a great start of calling the kettle black." She stood up and I snorted.
"Don't judge me, you don't even know me." I said harshly and she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Well you don't know any of us so don't be so quick to judge. Her name was Kelly by the way and she was in here because she killed her best friend in a drinking and driving accident. The guilt made her hate herself and sometimes when you're in here you are just that desperate." She explained and I suddenly felt remorseful.
"I-I'm sorry. I'm not so great with the whole social scene." I said daring a glance but she just smiled.
"I can tell...I'm Andi. Suicidal basket case." She extended her hand and I took it.
"Eli. Screwed up on every level." I shook her hand and stood up.
"Well I guess it's obvious what you're in for." She held up my hand and the bandaged still remain intact.
"Yeah...I guess it is." I dropped my head and she looped her arm into mine.
"Don't be so down on yourself. We all have our own little issues. I'll give you the grand tour." Andi drug me out of the room and I could feel my muscles loosen as I walked with her. I started to get familiar with the building and what all the rooms were used for just before entering the common room. It was filled with mostly girls with the exception of one other male who appeared to be passed out in a chair.
"Okay so these people will be in our group sessions. That over there is Brittany, she is our resident bulimic. I'm pretty sure the entire world could tell her that 95 pounds is a twig but all she sees is elephant." The girl she pointed sat on the couch picking at her finger nails but the bones in her arms looked as though they barely had skin on them.
"Anna is the aggressive pyro. She was beat up by her dad most of her life but what finally set her over the edge was when she caught her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend and set his house on fire. Turns out it would have been just arson if they weren't still in it when it burned down." She gave me wide eyes and I nodded. I would try and avoid any exchanges with Anna.
"That over there is Amber. She's the self-harmer. Her family verbally abused her until she was 10 and then left her on the streets so she's got some pretty bad abandonment issues." I looked at the girl's strange attire as she wore a beanie much like Adam's and mittens that were velcroed at the wrist.
"What's with the hat and gloves?" I whispered and she turned her head so that her cheek rested against mine in order to whisper back.
"She's a hair puller and scratcher so they keep her hands covered to keep her from doing it and the hat is to cover the open wounds on her scalp from pulling the chunks of hair out." She pulled back and I nodded as we continued.
"Kate is the quiet one. She was molested by her family until she was 12 then put in the foster care system where she just so happened to get placed with like the Manson family of foster parents. We literally spend 3 hours in silence when it's her turn in group. It's actually quite relaxing I think." Andi patted Kate on the shoulder as we passed by a girl who was staring out of the window, rocking back and forth in her chair and talking to herself.
"That's Monica. She had a real shitty run of it. Brother was killed in high school, parents got divorced, and kids teased her mercilessly. I think she's the only one who's tried to kill herself 6 times and hasn't succeeded yet." I looked at Andi shocked.
"6 times? Wow." I was surprised. I knew what it felt like to want to die and to even take measures in trying to kill myself but I don't know if I could go through that failure 6 times.
"Yeah she became pretty close with Kelly and they had their own secret language but now that she's gone none of us understand what the hell she's saying half the time." Andi pulled me along as we made our way back down the big hallway to our room.
"So…what are you here for?" I asked breaking the silence.
"I haven't decided whether I want to share just yet. Let me get to know you first and we'll see." She smirked at me and I returned it.
"Okay, thanks for the tour." I said as she opened the door to our room. When she didn't follow me in I turned around quickly.
"Where are you going?" I asked sounding slightly desperate.
"You didn't actually think I was your room mate did you? No, I was just looking for a quiet place to read and my roommate smells like socks and cabbage. You actually are roommate free. Lucky you." She smiled but I felt a since of anxiety creeping up on me at the thought of being in that room alone the whole night. She put her hand on my arm snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Relax, they will come by in about an hour to distribute the sleeping aid. It'll knock you right out." She patted my shoulder and I nodded as she started down the hallway.
"W-will I see you later?" I asked curiously making her turn back around but continue to back down the hallway.
"In your dreams Eli, in your dreams." She winked at me before spinning back around and rounding the corner. I walked back to my bed and sat down. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was really starting to get the best of me. It felt like time was passing as slowly as the sun went down through the barred windows behind my bed. I started to wonder what Adam was doing and if Clare was okay. I wondered if she would still look at me the same after my stay here or if making something work between us was just pointless. The thought of living without her in my life pained me but I knew that if I didn't go through this and get better than I would never be able to accept being friends with her let alone lovers. Finally someone tapped on the door and shook me from my thoughts.
"Eli Goldsworthy? It's medicine time." A girl that looked in her early twenties stood pushing a cart full of Dixie cups and I got up to take them. She reached under the cart and held out a blanket.
"A friend of yours wanted you to have this…just in case you need something extra." She nodded for me to take it and I took the bulky blanket knowing full well it was already warm enough without it. I tossed the pills back and she checked my mouth before shutting my door and locking it. I looked at the blanket she had given me and saw a piece of paper stuck between it. I unfolded the blanket and found the familiar Stephen King book under the piece of paper. It read:
Eli,
Just in case you need a security blanket, give this a read. I find it puts even the craziest of thoughts to bed. Sweet Dreams ;) –A
I flipped the book over and saw that it was The Shinning. I laughed for the first time since I've been here and propped the blanket behind my head as I lay back on the bed. I cracked the book open and started to read as I felt my eyes grow heavy.
[Clare's POV]
Getting through the first few days has been rough but Adam was getting status reports from Bullfrog that he was handling the transition well. He had started group therapy and passed a psych evaluation enough to receive certain privileges like writing utensils which I knew was great because writing was a definite escape for Eli. He would be able to handle anything if he could put his thoughts on paper. Alli and I had gotten permission to have a little get together at the Above The Dot and I was relieved when people were buzzing about that rather than Eli being committed. There were a few kids who tried to vandalism his locker again but Sav managed to put a stop to it pretty quickly along with putting Godly fear in them about the price of bullying. I had gotten one person from each of Eli's classes to let me copy the notes in order for him to be able to catch up when he returned so doing that and my own work on top of planning this party was really helping to keep my mind off of things. I was now sitting in the library with books and papers scattered all over one study table that was big enough for at least four people but I was hogging the whole thing. I was just now finishing Eli's history study guide when someone set a cup of coffee in front of me.
"You look like you need a pick me up." I looked up and Fitz stood there smiling down at me.
"T-thanks. I'm pretty sure there's a no food rule in here though." I said with a sigh of exhaustion. He sat down in front of me and folded his arms in front of him.
"Considering you're the only one in here after 4:00, I think it's safe." He confirmed that I was alone but I had suspected that when I didn't hear any movement throughout the library. He picked up one of the sheets and I snatched it back out of instinct.
"Sorry…just wanted to see what you were working so hard on." Fitz put his hands up and I rubbed the bridge of my nose.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed. My head is all over the place these days." I picked up the coffee and sipped it.
"Well let me help. I'm not the smartest guy but I can try." Fitz offered and I bit my lip.
"It's…it's not my work that I'm working on." I said looking at him hesitantly. He looked down at the sheets and sighed disappointed.
"Eli's." He said simply.
"I don't want him to fall too far behind. When he gets back-" Fitz cut me off.
"Are you sure that's even a good idea? Him coming back here? I mean look at all the crap that's happened since he came back from the first attempt." Fitz said and I sat up straight in my chair.
"He's getting real help this time. He's getting better." I defended and he looked at me sadly.
"Clare…maybe Eli isn't the guy you thought he was." Fitz said making me hit the table with my hands.
"Look if you are here to judge like everyone else then you can just leave. I can do this on my own." I picked up my pencil as he stared at me for a few moments. He let out a sigh before picking up one of the closed books and grabbed the sheet off the top of it.
"That's my homework." I said letting him know and he looked at me before putting one of his hands on top of mine.
"Look Clare, I get what you're doing and you know I'd never judge you. I'm here to help but not him. I care about you so I'll do what I can to help you and you can do what you think is right in order to help him." Fitz's words gave me comfort and I smiled before putting my hand over his.
"Thank you Fitz…for caring so much about me." I said making him smile.
"Let's get to work. I barely passed Grade 10 so you will have to double check all of this anyway." Fitz joked and I giggled before going back to Eli's work.
[Eli's POV]
I had passed the tests from my private therapy sessions which meant I was suitable for group therapy and certain amenities but the one thing on my mind was where Andi had gone. I hadn't seen or heard from her since my first day and I couldn't ask the nurse handing out the meds because they changed every night. I had showered and headed back to my room to change into my now bright attire which consisted of gray sweat pants and a gray t-shirt with a matching hospital wrist band making me look officially like a psycho. I had left my clean clothes in my room again on purpose. It seemed like every time I took my clothes into the shower someone would take them so I decided to just get dressed back in my room. When I opened the door Andi had turned around quickly looking surprised.
"What are you doing in here?" I asked confused as she stomped her foot.
"Well I was trying to enjoy a smoke but you startled me so I dropped it out the window." She said annoyed before putting the plastic plant back in the window frame.
"So why do you come in here to smoke?" I asked walking over to my bed and pulling my robe tighter around me.
"This used to be my room on my first stay here. There's a small hole in the glass." She lifted the pot and showed me before sitting it back down and plopping down on the vacant bed I once found her in.
"Where have you been the last few days? I haven't seen you anywhere?" I asked picking up my boxers and turning away from her to pull them on with my robe still on.
"Aw were you looking for me?" She teased and I turned back to her with a glare making her laugh.
"I got in trouble for smoking so I was on room lockdown but I'm out now. What did I miss?" She laid back and propped herself on her elbows as I looked down at my clothes ready to put them on.
"I got my clearance to have writing materials. I start group therapy tomorrow." I said grabbing the back of my neck.
"That's good. Something told me you were an artist and who doesn't love talking about their issues in a group setting?" She joked still staring at me. I nodded and she sat up.
"Does my presence here affect you from putting your clothes on? I mean something tells me you aren't 600 pounds overweight or rocking a really embarrassing tramp stamp so-" I cleared my throat to cut her off.
"I-I have scars." I said not making eye contact. She snorted and stood up.
"We all have scars. Here check some of mine out." She lifted the left side of her shirt and a long scar was on her side.
"I had my appendix removed." She joked and I shook my head.
"I'm serious." I looked at her as I put my arms around myself feeling really insecure. She stared at me making my anxiety start to flare up before she reached the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head. She had a long sleeved white shirt underneath of the gray one I also had to wear and she pulled that one over her head next leaving her in just a black bra.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I looked away and she stepped closed to me.
"I'm showing you my scars." She said confidently. I slowly looked back at her and tried not to stare at her chest but the moment she turned her arms out you could see a long scar that ran down both the inside of her arms.
"How…how did you get them?" I asked as she looked down at them herself.
"I reached my BP and wanted the quickest way out so I took two of my father's collector knives puncture the skin and drug them down. I lost over 75% of my blood and was dead for 10 minutes before they brought me back." She explained and I looked at her eyes.
"BP?" I asked confused.
"Breaking point. You'll find out what your BP is in tomorrow's therapy. Apparently it's the one thing or person that is responsible other than you for why you are…the way you are." She smiled sarcastically. I looked back at the bed and pulled my pants on before hesitantly taking my robe off and turning back to her. I was expecting her eyes to go as wide as saucers and tell me what a freak I was but she didn't. She didn't even flinch.
"Something tells me you already know who your BP is." She said moving her hand to go to my chest but I backed away. She put her hands up instantly and stepped back.
"Sorry. Too soon." She said as my anxiety started to win and I began shaking.
"Calm down Eli. Look I'm turning away now so put your shirt on." She turned around and I pulled my shirt over my head before starting to do my breathing exercises. Andi turned back to me and she now had pulled her shirts back on as she watched me try to fight through a panic attack.
"Okay this is my fault so let me fix it." She said stepped closer but I put my shaky hands up.
"N-no just…I'll be okay." I said trying to breathe.
"Just…shut up." She didn't hesitate as she closed the space between us and gripped either side of my face before kissing me full on the mouth. My eyes were open and looking at her. I felt her tongue run along the inside of my lower lip before she pulled away from me. I kept my eyes on her stunned as to what had just happened. My lips were tingly and I could taste the residue from her cigarette.
"See…no more shakes." She said with a smile as I kept my eyes on her.
"That was your big cure? Coping a feel?" I asked sounding almost disgusted and she laughed.
"You wish. It's the nicotine. You have nerve endings in your gums so the moment the nicotine sank in your nerves were calmed. Anxiety is chilled and you won't get cancer." She informed making look at her strangely before letting out a laugh.
"Has anyone ever told you that you are-" I started but she cut me off.
"Eccentric?" She guessed only make me laugh again.
"Something like that." I shook my head at her before glancing at my hands to see that they really weren't shaking anymore.
"Oh and I'll have you know that I wouldn't cop a feel on you…you aren't really my type." She said as she walked over to the door as I put my hand to my hurt in mock pain.
"How will I go on?" I joked as she opened the door.
"One day at a time." She smiled.
"Hey Andi- Thanks." I added making her look back and nodding.
"You know, someday you will have to learn to accept your scars Eli. They are a part of you and in order to accept yourself you've got to accept your scars too." Andi's words were sincere as she shut the door behind her. I picked up the notebook and pencil I was given and did something I hadn't done in, what seemed like forever.
I started writing.
[Clare's POV]
I waited alone at the lunch table as Adam appeared to be running late. I hadn't really been spending much time with him outside of having lunch together because of how busy I was with everything. I checked my phone just as he plopped down in front of me, startling me and smiled out of breath.
"Sorry I just got off the phone with Bullfrog. He's a chatty one." Adam joked as he started in on his lunch.
"Well! How is he? Is he doing okay? Does he hate it there?" I started bombarding Adam with questions and he put his hands up.
"Clare, get a hold of yourself." He said trying to get me to calm down.
"Sorry, I'm just worried about him." I said biting the inside of my cheek. Adam looked at me oddly before sipping his juice.
"Maybe you are worrying too much. He's doing fine. He made it through the first week just fine. They said his anxiety is even doing really well. Sleep is a struggle but he's never been much of a sleeper anyway so that's nothing new." Adam took a bite of his pizza and I felt relieved.
"That's great news. It's such a relief." I felt a weight lift off my chest as Adam chewed.
"Yeah they said it's actually his day for group therapy so they will talk about his PB or BP or something. Something about the bad people in his life or some psychobabble." Adam's words creeped into my thoughts and I looked at him.
"The bad people in his life? What could those letters mean, like Bad People?" I asked trying not to sound frantic again.
"I'm pretty sure it was like Breaking Point or something. They are going to talk about who else is responsible for him being in there I guess." I felt like crying all of the sudden and I put my face in my hands to try and collect myself.
"Clare…are you…crying?" Adam asked and I lifted my head.
"I'll be fine." I sobbed. Adam looked around at the people now staring at me.
"Come on." Adam got up and pulled me outside to the courtyard so I could get some fresh air.
"Clare what is with you? It's like you are an emotional wreck these days." Adam said looking at me. I sat down at one of the picnic tables and let out a heavy breath.
"He's going to hate me when he gets out of there. They will convince him that I'm the problem and he will never want to see me again." I said as tears streamed down my face. Adam looked at me bewildered.
"What? Are you serious? Clare, Eli loves you but he's got to do this on his own. Think of all the other people that pushed him over the edge with the bullying and the Declan thing-" Adam tried to comfort me but I shook my head.
"He wrecked his car because of me. He slit his wrist because of me…because I was horrible to him. I'm the reason Eli is where he is and there's no getting around that…I ruined the boy I love." I looked down at my hands and Adam knelt down in front of me taking my hands.
"Listen to me, the things that happened between you two- yeah they were messed up and you guys have had an unconventional relationship since day one but Clare, when you got Eli he was already broken. That wasn't your fault. You need to stop all of this obsessing and breathe because in another week he will be back and you can't expect him to be around you if you yourself are a mess." Adam squeezed my hands and I looked at him.
"But what if…what if he's better off without me?" I asked honestly and Adam smiled.
"Clare Edwards, you are the sweetest, most genuinely kind hearted and intelligent person I've ever met but you can be awfully stupid sometimes." Adam smiled and I chuckled.
"Thanks Adam. I just need to remember to breathe. You'll remind me more often won't you?" I asked jokingly as he stood up.
"Hey, I'm around to nag for a reason." Adam pulled my up to my feet and hugged me. I wiped my tears away and took a long, deep breath before pulling myself together. I was glad that Adam was still one of my best friends. I'd go crazy without him.
[Eli's POV]
I sat awkwardly in a chair in the middle of a circle of the people I once met with Andi while she sat off to my left trying not to laugh at me. It wasn't my first day in group but it was my first time being put on the spot. I looked down at my hands as I felt about 8 sets of eyes on me practically boring holes into my skin.
"Eli we could sit here all day in silence but it won't help you get better." Doctor Lisa said. She was younger but she seemed to apparently know just what to say to make you feel less alone or so I thought from the sessions before mine.
"Seriously, we will sit here all day and stare at you so please…spit it out." Andi spoke up and I looked at her. She gave me a reassuring nod and I sighed.
"I'm not sure where I'm supposed to start." I spoke up and looked over at Dr. Lisa.
"Let's start with why you're here." I immediately looked down at my bandages and started to pick at them.
"Well things have been rough for me at school and I've been trying to move on and my gir- I mean my ex-girlfriend and I have been trying to work on a friendship but I caught her making out with my biggest enemy and I sort of lost it. We had a brief exchange but I had decided ignoring her was the best way to go when my best friend said I should just work through it. But one thing led to another and someone posted a mock journal entry on my hate site-" Andi's feet hit the floor and I looked up at her as she stopped me.
"Whoa whoa whoa, hate site? Why do you have a hate site?" She asked.
"I killed the school golden boy by accident and people hate me now." I explained and she looked at me strangely.
"H-how did you accidentally kill him?" Amber asked in disbelief.
"I was trying to forget about my ex-girlfriend so I was going to crash my hearse but I ended up killing someone who is really well known in the process." I said and she rolled her eyes.
"So far all I hear is that you've tried to kill yourself twice because of your ex-girlfriend. Could you be any more of a cliché emo kid?" Anna spat and I whipped my head towards her.
"Yeah well no one fucking asked you." I seethed and she sat up straight ready to fire back.
"Shut up Anna. Let him tell his story, damn." Andi spoke up and I looked over at her as she glared at Anna. Anna backed down and I Andi nodded for me to continue.
"Clare was the first girl I let in after I lost Julia. Julia was the first girl I ever loved. She was my first everything. First love, first sexual experience…and first death. She…she was hit by a car and was killed…I still feel like it was my fault because I ran her off but everyone tells me it wasn't. If I hadn't said some of those things that night…I don't know. I just feel like the root of my craziness is because I lost her." I explained and Dr. Lisa wrote on her notepad.
"Did Clare know about Julia when you started dating?" She asked.
"Yeah I pulled away at first but she pressed me to know why I was pulling away so eventually I had to tell her. But she stuck around. I will never understand why though. The closer Julia's death anniversary got, the more I started to pull Clare in. I didn't want to let her out of my site. There was a school bully who had it out for me and almost stabbed me at a school dance who suddenly found God and decided that Clare was his God given angel but all I could think was that he wanted to take the one girl I loved more than anything away from me…so I started freaking out." I started biting the inside of my cheek and Dr. Lisa flipped the page of her notepad.
"What led up to the morning you decided to end it for the second time?" She asked and I couldn't really look up from my bandages.
"I had been seeing a therapist since the accident and they require me to keep a journal and someone wrote up a mock version of something I wrote and bashed Clare. So she came up to me…h-hit me and started telling me how much of a horrible person I was and how I should just go to hell and leave her alone." I stayed quiet for a moment.
"How did that make you feel?" She asked and I shook my head. It was a stupid question but I could feel all the raw emotions just remembering looking up at the anger on her face as she told me off.
"Like I had no reason to be here torturing myself anymore. I had lost Julia, killed someone, lost the trust of my parents and friends, was tormented daily and the last person in the world I just wanted to love me hated me just breathing the same air as her. I wanted to do her the service and just get out of her everyone's way." I trailed off towards the end and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.
"You know what this means don't you?" Andi's voice made me look up and I shrugged.
"Clare is your BP. She is the reason you are here…the reason you hate yourself." I shook my head violently.
"No, Clare's a good person. She just couldn't handle my craziness." I defended and Dr. Lisa sighed.
"Why do you think you're crazy Eli?" She asked me and I laughed.
"Look at me. I'm a fucking mess. What kind of sane person cuts into their wrists or crashes a car on purpose? What kind of person uses sharpened scissors on their body to escape mental and emotional pain by turning to physical pain?" I questioned and she frowned at me sadly.
"Someone who hates themselves." I looked up at her and bit my lip. It stayed quiet for a few moments before Kate started screaming startling me but apparently everyone else was used to it. Dr. Lisa got up and tried to talk her down but when she couldn't she had to dismiss us.
"Good work Eli. You are making great progress." She shouted over Kate's screaming as I walked out of the room and back towards my room. I felt someone loop their arm into mine and I smile slightly when I saw it was Andi.
"You didn't think you were off the hook that quickly did you?" Andi walked next to me and I shrugged.
"I guess you think I'm pretty pathetic huh." I said and she laughed.
"Hardly but I want you to keep in mind, admitting Clare is your BP doesn't mean she's a horrible person. It just means she's your weakness and that can be normal consider you love her and it can also be extremely bad BECAUSE you are in love with her." Andi explained.
"All I want is to be with her again but…" I stopped as we got to my door and Andi leaned against it.
"But you're scared one of these days you'll snap her neck." I looked at her wide eyed.
"What? No! That's not it-" She laughed and stopped me.
"Not like that you dunce. Of Mice And Men syndrome. You're afraid that one day you will hold onto her so tightly she will end up being the one who gets hurt." She explained and I let out a breath.
"Yeah, something like that. I know I still love her I just don't trust myself loving her as much as I love her, you know?" I said and Andi smiled.
"Yeah I know but you have a little over a week to sort it out." I opened the door and looked at her.
"Will you...will you help me?" I asked and she smirked.
"I suppose I could. What are friends for?" She winked at me as she pushed past to walk into my room. I couldn't help but chuckle as I turned back to her and shut the door behind me.
[Clare's POV]
The last few days I spent working on school work with Fitz, planning this party with Alli and getting constant updates from Adam about how Eli was doing. They were mostly vague but they kept me going between all the other hectic things I found myself doing to get ready for his return home. I had spent all night studying for a science test with Fitz and came out of my class with a huge smile on my face as I flashed my big red A at him. He hugged me tightly and picked me up.
"I knew you could do it!" He said into my hair as I laughed.
"Not without your help. You are seriously a lifesaver Fitz. I couldn't have done it without you helping to de-stress and de-clutter my brain." I kissed his cheek and he blushed.
"You know I'm always here for you Clare. Anything you need." Fitz looked down at me and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me but Alli cleared her throat.
"Don't let me interrupt." She said with a smile as she crossed her arms over her chest. Fitz gave her a small smile before looking back at me.
"I guess I should go. I'll see you tonight though to set up for this weekend?" Fitz started to back down the hallway and I smiled.
"7. Above The Dot. See you there." I said and he laughed as he walked away. I felt Alli staring at me and I looked at her.
"Don't give me that look. Come on, we need to meet Adam for lunch." I grabbed her arm and she laughed.
"So you and Fitz…" she started and I shook my head.
"No such thing. He just helped me get through this last week and half without Eli. That's it." I said and Alli sighed.
"You know, you don't have to be with Eli right? You don't like owe him anything." I looked at her.
"I…I know that. I love Eli though. I don't love Fitz. He's just a good friend." I explained and Alli just kept staring.
"But you've never really given Fitz a chance. What if your super obsession with Eli is keeping you from experiencing what every teenage girl is entitled to in high school?" She asked and I sneered as we walked into the lunchroom.
"And what's that?" I asked sitting down.
"Dating. Not everyone needs to fall head over heels in love and marry that guy. Live a little Clare. Kissing more than one boy is fine. Who's to say Eli's not kissing a bunch of cr-" Alli stopped what she was saying as I gave her a look and she looked embarrassed. Just before I could lay into her Adam plopped down next to me.
"Hey guys. I can't talk long but Eli is doing great. Cece said he managed to make a breakthrough in group and even learned a few new techniques for when his anxiety gets out of control." Adam said with a huge smile. I was so happy to hear that.
"That's great. I'm glad he's doing so well. I can't wait to see him Friday." I said bouncing in my seat.
"Friday? I thought that party thing wasn't until Saturday?" Adam said scrunching his eyebrows together.
"Well…it is. I just thought I would go see him when he gets home." I said and Adam made a face at me.
"I don't know. I think you should let him get settled in. Let him spend some time on his own with Cece and Bullfrog before bombarding him." Adam said acting as though he knew something I didn't.
"I didn't want to bombard him. I just wanted to see him. What aren't you telling me?" I asked and Adam looked anywhere except at me.
"He's going to be having some company when he comes home… he made a friend and they get out the same day so he will probably spending his time with them." Adam said and I laughed.
"Well I'm not completely embarrassing Adam. I think I could hang out with him and his friend." I said nonchalantly.
"Her name is Andi." Adam said quickly and Alli's eyes went wide as I tried to comprehend.
"Wait, hold the phone. Eli met a girl in the loony bin and is bringing her home to meet mom and dad?" Alli said and Adam gave her a nasty look.
"That's my best friend you're talking about!" Adam stood up and I looked up at him.
"Adam please…tell me about this girl." I asked and he looked annoyed but Alli stayed quiet.
"All I know is that her name is Andi and that Cece said Eli spoke very highly of her. She…she's been helping him deal and figure out how to deal with his BP." Adam didn't meet my eyes again and I gulped.
"What is it?" I asked watching his eyes flicker to mine for a moment.
"It doesn't matter-" He tried to shake it off but I stopped him.
"Adam…what is it?" I asked once more watching him sigh and sit back down at the table putting his arms on it.
"You. You are his breaking point, Clare. But he's dealing with it the best way he can." I felt my heart quake in my chest as I nodded. Adam got up and moved around to sit next to me.
"He's getting better Clare. That doesn't mean he's going to forget about all the good that you brought into his life." Adam put his hand on my back and I tried to hold it together. I took a deep breath when my phone went off.
"I-uh I have to take this." I jumped up quickly and walked out of the lunchroom running right into someone's chest.
"Hey…Clare? Hey what's wrong?" It was Fitz. He looked at me concerned as I refuse to let my feelings crash down on me.
"I'm okay. I'll be fine. I just need a minute." Fitz escorted me to a bench and kept me close to his side as we sat down. He rubbed my arm and cooed into my hair as I took deep breaths to fight the pain in my chest. I finally managed to keep myself calm enough to look at him and he looked genuinely concerned.
"Are you okay?" He asked tucking some of my hair behind my ear. He was so sweet to me all the time but it's like I could never give him a chance.
"I'm fine. I just needed a minute to pull myself together." I ran my hand through my hair and Fitz looked at me sadly in silence.
"The funny thing is, I think I'm actually losing my mind waiting for him to come home." I knew Fitz knew who I was talking about as he sighed.
"You're smarter than that. You just have a lot of emotions riding on one moment and it's stressing you out." Fitz said catching my attention.
"One moment? What do you mean?" I asked and he shifted his body a little.
"You are trying to make everything perfect for his return but you are tearing yourself apart trying to prepare yourself for the one moment you see him face to face again. If you can't just be you and be enough then maybe…" Fitz trailed off and I kept staring.
"Maybe what?" I asked and he looked at me.
"Maybe you should move on? You are killing yourself to be perfect for someone who is unpredictable. What if all of this is for nothing?" Fitz proposed and I let out a defeated breath.
"I have to keep believing that it's for something or…or it's going to break my heart all over again. I know things are…weird with us and I'm sorry but I'm in love with Eli. If someday things don't work out then maybe we could test the waters but I can't promise you anything. Do you understand that?" I put my hand on top of his and he nodded.
"I just want you to be happy Clare." I could tell his jaw was tensed but he remained calm. I gave his hand a squeeze before giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Thank you Fitz. I can always count on you." I smiled at him and he smiled back but quickly stole a kiss on the lips before pulling away.
"I'm sorry! Sorry! Please don't be mad." He said quickly and I laughed.
"It's okay. A little kiss between friends is encouragement. No big deal." I said with a smile before giving him a hug.
"You're the best." I said into his neck as he held me tightly.
[ELI'S POV]
I sat in the middle of the group once more. I had been doing therapy all week and group sessions and today was my last day. I was now wearing my normal clothes, rings, chain and all. I was not only happy to be going home but happy to get my life off the ground. Andi had gotten out a day early so I was itching to finish my last session and get home so we could meet up for the first time outside of the white walls. I honestly don't think I could have made it through these past two weeks without her.
"Well Eli this is it. Do you think you are ready?" Dr. Lisa asked me with a smile and I returned it.
"I really feel like I am." She looked relieved to hear it as she took in my demeanor.
"I think if you keep up your regular therapy sessions and your journals and be sure to practice your techniques, you will do wonderfully. I'm very pleased with your progress Eli. I hope you keep waking up every day and doing what we practiced." She made a few notes and I laughed.
"I am. I wake up every morning and tell myself that I'm not crazy and that my scars are a part of me." I said confidently looking at my now unbandaged wrists. They were scabbed up now but I was wearing my bracelets over them so I wouldn't keep touching them. I was snapped from my thoughts when someone knocked on the door.
"Mr. and Mrs. Goldsworthy are here. It's time to go, Eli." Kim popped her head in and I stood up and felt my legs shaking a bit. I hadn't seen Cece and Bullfrog since check in and I hoped they didn't look as terrified as they did when they last looked at me.
"Thank you, for everything." I turned around and shook Dr. Lisa's hand and she smiled.
"You are very welcome. Just remember what you've learned and try and take the next few steps of your recovery slowly. Believe in yourself and your support system." I nodded at her as we walked out of the door. We walked past the common room where the girls sat. I gave a wave but they were all completely out of it anyway. I hoped that someday they would be able to leave this place and feel okay in their own skin. I rounded the corner and the moment I saw them I felt lightness in my chest. They were talking to one another and they looked nervous but as I got closer Cece turned her head and looked at me. They froze as I walked closer.
"Hi Mom…Dad." I gave a nervous smile and Cece looked like she was trying not to cry.
"Babyboy, you look…" She started stepping closer.
"Content? Peaceful? Maybe even a little happy?" I suggested and she let out a laugh as she closed the space between us and wrapped me up in a hug. It knocked the breath out of me as she squeezed me. I could feel my shirt start to dampen from her tears and Bullfrog put his hand on her shoulder pulling her back a bit.
"We missed you kid." Bullfrog put a hand on the back of my neck and I nodded.
"I missed you guys too and I'm ready to come home." Cece smiled at me and Bullfrog did the same.
"We are so proud of you Elijah. It's so nice to see you smile again." Cece gripped the sides of my face.
"I love you guys. I'm sorry to have put you through all the things I have. I promise it's going to be different. I'm ready to move forward." I said confidently. Bullfrog put his arm around my shoulders and Cece took my hand as I took one last glance at Kim at the desk who smiled widely at me before we walked out of the facility.
"I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed." I said as the sun hit my face.
"Actually we were hoping to take you to get something to eat. Maybe Little Miss Steaks?" Bullfrog suggested.
"Oh we don't have to go out. It's okay." I said and Cece tucked her arm into mine.
"Well it's not just for you. We'd like to get to know your friend. It was actually her suggestion." Cece said looking away from me. I followed her eyes and saw Andi in dark skinny jeans, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt and her hair pulled up in a high ponytail.
"Hey." I said with a laugh. She leaned off of the car and smiled.
"Hey to you." She seemed more relaxed in her own clothes outside of the hospital.
"I see you are already buttering my parents up." I teased and she laughed.
"What can I say? The Goldsworthy's have a soft spot for corky girls like me." She shrugged and Bullfrog laughed.
"Andi was telling us how you were pacing like a puppy to get out of here." He joked and I gave her a playful glare.
"Andi likes to talk but I think a burger and conversation would be great." I said as we all got into Bullfrog's car and headed to Little Miss Steaks. I didn't think we would be spending so much time there or that I'd even be up to be anywhere except home but Cece and Bullfrog really took to Andi. It wasn't surprising because Andi was a bit of an outcast like the rest of us but she seemed to really get along with Cece which would result in Cece giving me the wiggly eyebrows and dropping hints. When we had finished dinner I told Cece and Bullfrog that we would walk back to the house so we could get some time away from them.
"So your parents are probably the only reason I'd ever consider dating you." She said out of the blue making me laugh out loud.
"I don't know if I should be offended or grossed out but I'm glad you liked them. They seem to like you a lot too." I said sticking my hands in my pockets.
"Yeah your mom practically gave me an open invitation to jump your bones." She said and I looked at her to see if she was serious and I immediately sighed knowing it was true.
"So I take it your parents are the biggest Clare fans huh?" She laughed.
"Not so much these days. They said she has been getting her updates through Adam but after I that night and Cece smacking her things have been really tense. I'm surprised they didn't adopt you on the spot." I joked.
"Well then we couldn't hook up because we'd be siblings you creep." She nudged my arm lightening the mood. Silence fell between us as we walked.
"So what are you going to do about seeing her?" Andi spoke up finally and I glanced at her before looking down at my feet.
"I don't even know at this point. I mean I know where we left things I have to talk to her and tell her how I feel but the setting boundaries part and telling her about my mission for recovery…it's just nerve wrecking to even think about." I kicked some rocks as we walked and Andi put her arm into mine.
"You know you have to tell her or else she will think you are still hung up on Julia. It's part of your treatment. It probably wouldn't hurt to spend some time alone so you know you can do it." Andi said and I nodded.
"Well how long are you going to stick around for? I know you said you wanted to head back to the states to stay with your brother but I'd still like to hang out." I turned toward her as we rounded the sidewalk of my street.
"You can show me around tomorrow, maybe get some coffee or something." Andi suggested and I was quick to nod my head.
"I know the perfect place." I said thinking of The Dot.
"Somebody liiiiikes me." Andi teased me and I shook my head.
"Shut up." I chased her up the sidewalk and she laughed as I grabbed her from behind and picked her up. We laughed for a moment before Andi cleared her throat and tapped my arm from around her waist. I stopped and looked at her as we stood in front of my house.
"Looks like you've got company." I looked where Andi's eyes were and there she was in a blue and green flowered shirt with her denim jacket and a white skirt. Her eyes were focused on my arms around Andi's waist and I pulled them away immediately.
"Clare…what are you-" I started to ask and her eyes snapped up to mine.
"I uh…I wanted to welcome you home." She said timidly glancing over at Andi.
"I'm Cl-" She started to introduce herself and Andi cut her off.
"I know who you are. I've heard a lot about you. You are just how I pictured you." Andi smiled and I studied Clare's face.
"Clare this is my friend Andi. She helped me get through those two weeks of treatment." I said looking from Andi to Clare and back.
"Well I wish I could say I've heard more about you but I guess you just didn't come up in conversation." Clare said giving her best fake smile.
"I supposed not. I have to take off. It was nice meeting you." Andi put up her hand to Clare and she smiled again but it faded when Andi squeezed my hand before leaving. I watched her walk away and turn back to Clare who had her arms crossed over her chest. Her face lightened as it was now just me and her.
"How long have you been here?" I asked her.
"Well I've been by a few times but Bullfrog's car wasn't here so I figured you guys were spending time together so I left and came back…twice." She confessed nervously.
"You should have just called Cece." I said stepping a little closer.
"She still hates me so I didn't want to interfere…you look really good Eli." She smiled at me and I felt a blush creeping over my cheeks.
"Thanks." I said with a smile. She got closer to me and I started to feel a bit of a panic.
"I missed you so much." She wrapped her arms around me and I froze. It was a great feeling but this was against everything I just talked to Andi about.
"Cl-Clare…" She pulled away quickly and scrunched her face up.
"Sorry I forgot about your…scars." She whispered the last bit and I made a face at her. One of the things I'm still working on is to learn to be okay with my scars not to whisper them in conversation.
"Look, I really would love to catch up with you but I'm exhausted. Cece and Bullfrog took Andi and I out for dinner and we walked back so all I want to do is sleep in my own bed." I ran my hand through my hair and Clare looked sad.
"Oh…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll just leave you alone." Clare started to walk past me and I grabbed her hand making her turn around.
"Hey, it really is good to see you. We'll talk, I promise. I'm just tired." I didn't want her to think she wasn't important or that I didn't care because I did. It was just a lot to take in. Seeing her always took my breath away and I'm already out of it so it was more than enough to process from just getting out.
"Okay, tomorrow." Clare said with a sigh. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand before dropping it and walking into my house for the first time in what seemed like forever. I let out a huge sigh of relief.
"Home sweet home." I said allowed as I started to trek up the steps to my room.
[Clare's POV]
I thought seeing Eli would make my heart feel so much lighter but I hadn't planned on seeing him like that with some random girl. I felt hurt and betrayed but the moment she was out of sight it felt right. Being there with him felt right but he had been too tired to spend time with me. I didn't expect him to blow me off the next day when he said we could spend time together but all he kept saying was "Tomorrow" Tomorrow was 3 days ago and I was starting to push the pain away and get angry. I was walking through the mall with Alli trying to pay attention to whatever she was saying as we shopped for outfits for tomorrow's big bash at the Above The Dot but all I could think about was Eli.
"You clearly aren't listening to me anymore." Alli laughed and I looked at her ashamed.
"Sorry." I said not really sounding sorry.
"I thought you were supposed to be hanging out with Eli tonight?" Alli asked as she sorted through dresses on a rack.
"He had another appointment today. It's the third time he's given me a rain check and the party is tomorrow. I haven't even had time to tell him about-" Alli grabbed my arm and pulled me behind a large rack of dresses almost knocking me down.
"What the heck Alli?" I rubbed my arm and she put peeked over the rack.
"That must be some appointment." Alli glared at me and I looked at her confused until I glanced over the rack. Eli was sitting on a bench in the food court with Andi laughing and talking.
"But he said...what the hell?" I said angrily.
"So that's Andi. She looks like the female version of Eli. I mean they do know there is such a thing as bright colors right?" Alli commented and I stared at them as he laughed so freely with her. I pulled my knees to my chest and leaned against the rack.
"Maybe he's moved on. Look at the way he smiles with her, It's been forever since I've made him laugh like that." I said sadly and Alli squatted down in front of me.
"Clare, stop this. You know Eli will always have feelings for you. Look at all the guy's done for you." Alli said and I shook my head.
"You mean try to kill himself twice? Yeah I'm a great person to be in love with." I degraded and Alli put her hand on my arm.
"Clare, look at me." I looked up at Alli.
"You've got to stop beating yourself up for that. Eli is older and made those decisions on his own. You weren't driving the car or holding the blade. You've got to stop thinking you were." Alli rubbed my arm and I bit my lip.
"Look at them Alli. He's moved on…and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she's better for him. They seem to get along really well and have a lot in common." I pointed out and Alli smiled weakly.
"Just because they are two screwed up people doesn't make them soul mates." Alli's words didn't really make me feel better until she took my hands into hers.
"From the few moments that I've thoroughly creeped them I can tell you one thing that sets you apart from Andi." She said confidently.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked curiously.
"The way he looks at her is in no way how he looks at you. I've seen Eli walk the crowded hallways and stare at you like you are the only one in the entire world he sees. You don't look at just any girl like that. You look at the girl you're in love with like she is your world." I peeked through the clothes and watched him for a few moments before looking back at Alli.
"Do you think we've stalked enough for one day?" Alli said with a smile and I returned it.
"I guess. We have a dress to find anyway." Alli pulled me to my feet and we snuck away from Eli and Andi as quickly as we could before we were noticed.
[Eli's POV]
I had a therapist appointment at which Andi picked me up afterwards and hung out with me. It was nice to spend the day talking about random things. I found that talking and spending time with Andi made me feel less anxious or on edge. It was a nice feeling. Just as I lay down on my bed my phone started to ring. I looked at the screen and became a bit nervous seeing Clare's name flash across it.
"Hey." I answered.
"Hey, how was your therapy session?" She asked.
"It was good. Finished up early and hung out with Andi. How was your day?" I asked.
"It was…it was good. Alli and I went dress shopping." She said hesitantly.
"School event coming up?" I asked curiously.
"No actually that's why I was calling. You see, I've been busy while you were away. Alli and I sort of planned a little get together in your honor. Nothing too fancy, friends and such at the Above The Dot." I was confused.
"You planned me a party? Since when do I do the party scene?" I asked realizing how rude that sounded.
"Well since when is going to the mall your thing?" Clare's comment made me sigh. She must have seen Andi and me today.
"I didn't lie to you Clare. I had therapy and Andi picked me up afterwards." I explained and she clicked her tongue to her teeth.
"Whatever. Look I worked really hard on something special just for you and it would mean a lot if you could at least stop by. Since you have been so busy lately it would be nice to actually sit down and talk to you." Clare started bitter but finished sincere and I sighed.
"I'm sorry. I will try to come by after dinner with Andi." I said and there was a moment of silence.
"So you're taking her on dates now?" Clare said venomously and I sat up.
"What if I am?" I asked and she snorted.
"Well you just met her Eli. Is that even safe? You barely know her." Clare pointed out and I laughed.
"I have plenty of time to get to know her." I said and Clare sighed.
"Should you really be going on dates right now?" Clare asked and I was tired of arguing with her.
"Why not? I'm single right? I might as well." I realized it was a little harsh and I heard Clare take a breath.
"Look, I'm sorry. That was harsh. I will come by tomorrow. Thank you for planning something for me. It means a lot." I said honestly.
"Have fun on your date tomorrow, Eli. Goodnight." Clare sounded upset before she hung up the phone and I felt like crap. I sat my phone on the nightstand and lay back in my bed. I knew it would be hard to sleep but I tried anyway.
Andi could tell I was distant as we sat in the living room of my house watching TV. Cece and Bullfrog had cooked out with us and then left us alone so we could hang out but in Cece's lingo that means do things most mother's wouldn't want her kid doing. I caught a pillow to the face as I checked my phone once again. Everyone was tweeting about being at the party and Adam had said he really wanted to see me.
"Hey precious if you got a hotter date then me then just say the word and I'll get out of your hair." She teased and I put my phone away.
"It's nothing…It's just…Clare planned some sort of home coming thing for me at the club above The Dot." I said and she smiled.
"Then what the hell are we doing sitting on the couch you loser?" She questioned but my silence gave it away.
"Uh oh…what did you do?" She asked making me put the pillow over my face.
"She doesn't like all the time I'm spending with you and thinks we're dating. I apologize for being harsh with her but I could tell I really upset her by reminding her that I was single and could date whoever I want." I said into the pillow.
"Well look at it this way, how do you feel when you see her with that Fitz guy?" I took the pillow off my face and looked at her.
"Point taken." I glared at her and she scooted closer to me.
"You know that you want Clare. She's all you talk about but for one night why don't you just try being happy and appreciating the fact that she went to all the trouble to plan you something. Maybe this is exactly what you need to test the waters with her? Set the boundaries." Andi said and I glanced at my phone again.
"Will you go with me? I don't want to blow you off and to be honest I think I would have more fun if I had at least you and Adam for support." I asked and she smiled.
"Well who am I to pass up a good party?" She stood up and extended her hand.
"Shall we?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I laughed at her before taking her hand and getting up. We drove to The Dot and I was nervous as we trekked up the steps. Andi had looped her arm into mine and told me to calm down as we pushed through the doors. The room was surprisingly full and people greeted me happily as I proceeded in.
"Hey Eli! Glad to see you're doing better!" Connor said and I nodded at him.
"Um thanks man. I appreciate it." I said before looking around the room.
"Adam is over there and Clare is at the bar with Alli." He pointed and I thanked him before catching Adam's eye.
"HEY!" He yelled before meeting me halfway and engulfing me in a huge hug. It was the first time we had seen each other in almost 3 weeks and it was really good to see my best friend again.
"Man you look less like shit! It's great to see you of humanly coloring and less like Edward Cullen." Adam teased and I punched his arm.
"Sorry I'm late. Andi is slow." Andi hit my arm and Adam looked her up and down.
"Well I've heard a lot about you but not about how cute you were." Andi laughed and took Adam's arm instead of mine.
"Aw I just found my new date." She said hugging Adam's arm. I looked over and spotted Clare talking to Alli.
"She planned this whole thing you know. Everything you see here is for you and because of her." Adam said as I continued to watch her.
"I guess I should thank her then huh?" I said looking over at him before walking over to her. Alli saw me first and said something to make her look at me. She looked surprised but smiled.
"Hey, I didn't think you would show up." She said and I glanced at Alli who took the hint and walked away.
"You did all this for me? Why?" I asked cocking my eyebrow.
"Because…while I've missed you these past few weeks the one thing I've missed more than anything is your smile and that's been gone a lot longer." Clare said looking down at her hands before back up at me. I stepped closer to her and put my hand on top of hers as it rest on the bar.
"Thank you, for everything." I smiled before leaning in and kissing her cheek lightly. She smiled instantly but I watched it drop suddenly and I looked at her confused until I felt someone walk up next to me.
"Andi…what a surprise to see you here." She said moving her hand from under mine and into her lap.
"Well I'm constantly surprising people. It's nice to see you again. You did a kick ass job on this party." Andi said and Clare got up from her stool.
"Yeah thanks. Can you excuse me for a minute? Alli is having boy issues." Clare smiled before giving me a pointed look and walking away. The moment she was out of eye sight Andi hit my arm.
"What the hell? No kissing. Boundaries you moron. You came here to have fun for yourself. Stop rushing things." Andi said and I shook my head out.
"I know sorry. Fun. I can do that." I smiled at her and she laughed.
"Oh God this is going to be a hell of a night I can just feel it." She put her face in her hands and I pushed her towards Adam's direction to start enjoying the party.
[Clare's POV]
I watched Eli talk to Andi all night. All the work I put into this party and he was spending it with her. I spent most of the night watching him intently as he actually smiled and talked with her as others danced around and played pool. I had stepped out to get a breath of fresh air when I heard the music change and people start to cheer. I walked back inside to see Andi dancing around in the center of the room and Eli sitting in a chair at the table where they were once sitting and laughing now as he shook his head at Andi while she tried to coax him out to the dance floor.
"CLARE! This is SO much fun! Eli's girlfriend is crazy...but in a good way!" Wesley said as he danced around awkwardly before joining the group of people on the dance floor. Andi finally managed to get Eli out of the chair and pulled on the sides of his vest to get him to move around a little. I felt tears testing my eyes but I was so angry as he actually danced around with her. He had some nerve dancing with her right in front of me. All the dances he ruined for me and he was dancing and laughing with his new...whatever she was. I watched in anger the entire song and when it went off she kissed his cheek before walking back over to the table to grab her jacket. I took this as my opportunity and approached him.
"Hey! Are you having fun?" I asked trying to hide my emotions and he clearly I had no clue.
"Yeah it's been great. I'm actually about to head out. Andi and I are going to try and catch the midnight showing of Halloween." Eli smiled at me as he turned his back.
"So...that's...it? You're just going to leave?" I said making him turn around and give me a strange look.
"Um...that was the plan. I'll see you tomorrow." Eli was now joined by Andi and she smiled at me.
"Great party Clare. Thanks for having me." She said zipping her coat.
"Yeah well you weren't invited anyway." I said rudely making Eli's eyes wide.
"Wow, it's definitely time to go now." Eli put his arm behind Andi's back and started across the room and I just lost it.
"AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH...AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED YOU JUST GO OFF AND REPLACE ME!" I screamed making the entire room go quiet. He stopped dead in his tracks and I watched Andi look over at him.
"YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME! YOU SAID WE COULD TRY AND WORK THINGS OUT AND YOU GO OFF AND MEET SOMEONE LIKE...LIKE HER AND FORGET ALL ABOUT ME." My words got Eli to spin around and Andi tried to hold him back as he clenched his jaw.
"You have NO right to bad mouth her. She's my friend!" He said trying not to yell and I laughed.
"Weeks I waited to hear from you, to see you, talk to you, ANYTHING! But since the moment you got back you've spent every waking moment with her. It's like I never even matter to you at all." I felt tears coming again but fought them as he tried to steady his breathing.
"Look Clare, you and I will talk about this later but right now...you're making a scene." Eli said in a clam manner and I was baffled. Here I was freaking out and he had the nerve to say I was making a scene. He turned to walk away and I picked up the tray of glass on the nearest table and threw them on the ground making everyone gasp and him turn back around.
"MAKING A SCENE! YOU ALMOST GET YOURSELF STABBED, CRASH YOUR CAR AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF AND I'M MAKING A SCENE! DID YOU FORGET ALL OF THAT WHILE YOU WERE SO BUSY FORGETTING ABOUT ME?" I screamed at the top of my lungs clenching my shaking hands but Eli was quick to jerk his arm from Andi and step closer to me.
"I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET CLARE!" He put his wrists out in front of me when he shouted.
"I have these scars until the day that I die to remind me of all of those things...including you." Eli seethed and gulped hard. My jaw dropped and I was speechless. I knew I was the reason why Eli tried to kill himself but he had never said it to my face until this very moment. Andi walked up behind Eli and pulled on his arm.
"Are you happy now?" He added before following Andi out. I stood there with everyone looking at me until finally I felt someone put a hand on my back.
"Come on Clare." It was Alli. She led me out just as I started to fall apart. A heart that breaks as much as mine does can't possibly still be beating.
