Motives

"Let's just go back to you agreeing with me. How did we get off of that?" ~Princess Leia

Chapter 8

Coruscant

"You should've been there."

Leia stood with her arms wrapped around herself as she stared out the window of her high-rise office with its sweeping views of the busy traffic lanes of Coruscant. This was exactly what Han had predicted for her just a few weeks ago: the New Republic back in power and Leia in a dream office with a fantastic view. Even then she had worried that it was not what she really wanted, and now in the stark light of reality, it was far from what she had dreamed of.

She turned around to face her brother. "I know," she said with a sigh as she skirted around her desk and sat down.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"

"Yes, eventually," she replied flatly.

"Leia."

Her gaze had drifted away along with her thoughts. She had never been less focused in her entire life. At Luke's stern use of her name, followed by his damning silence, she snapped back in focus to his face. "I just need…," she began, but then trailed off.

"Just tell me, Leia. Get it over with. You'll feel better."

She redoubled her efforts to focus on him and sighed. "I just need you to support me right now. Right or wrong or indifferent, I just need you to listen and tell me everything's going to be okay."

Luke opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off, raising her hand and twisting her face into a reproachful grimace.

"What I don't need is for you to push me on things. Like my Force sensitivity, or training as a Jedi, or…," she stopped, still not being able to say his name without first hesitating, contemplating what it meant and then shuddering at the thought. "Vader," she finally said as if the word carried some contagious disease that could only be transmitted by saying it out loud but it didn't really matter anyway because they were already infected. She then continued, lowering her tone, almost embarrassed, "Or Han," she whispered. "Just be my brother. Indulge me, this once, for as long as I tell you it's necessary."

"Alright," he replied, leaning back into his chair. And she knew that he meant it. She knew that no matter how difficult it might be for him, that he would live up to his promise. There was no one she could count on now more than Luke.

She sat and stared at him for awhile. It was still such a novelty: having a sibling. She had been raised as an only child and having a brother or sister had been a frequent fantasy of a very young Princess Leia. "You know, I used to dream about having a sibling," she said out loud, not only to change the subject but to think about something good that was in her life now.

"Really?" Luke asked, looking genuinely interested as he always seemed to do. "I don't think I ever did." He shrugged, thinking. "I mostly dreamed of just moving away someday. Leaving it all behind."

Leia thought to reply that it looked as if they both got what they had wanted, but what they had gotten was so messed up and distorted that she bit down on the words and kept them buried.

Luke stared at her, reading her in his own way. "So?" He asked, his expression lightening. "Have I lived up to your lofty childhood expectations?"

With that question, Leia laughed. It was the first time she had done so in quite some time. It felt good, like the memory of something she had once enjoyed that her body responded readily to, as if screaming: yes, more of that! She reveled in it for a moment before smiling and replying, "Not quite."

Luke shifted in his chair. "What? Why not?"

"Well." Leia squirmed a bit herself. She was well aware of how childhood dreams and fantasies could be an un-forgivingly clear window into one's soul. But this was Luke. What did she have to hide? "For one thing," she started. "I dreamt of a sister, so there's really nothing you could do about that."

Luke eyed her suspiciously, knowing that the heart of the issue was yet to come, but he relaxed a little anyway and said, "Okay, no apologies there. What else?"

"Well, and," she said, stalling. "Looking back, I guess I imagined them, her, a little more pliable. You know? Someone who just did whatever I wanted and never questioned me one bit. Certainly didn't push me to do things I didn't want to do." Leia reclined back in her office chair, her eyes lifting to the ceiling, really drawing back on those innocent times. "She would always get in trouble and I would bail her out, sympathize with her and give her good advice. And, I was older, of course and she looked up to me. And whenever I did get into trouble, she was just always there, whenever I needed her just waiting to tell me that I was right and everybody else was wrong."

"So," Luke started. "You basically dreamed of having a minion, not a sibling."

Leia's gaze dropped back down onto her brother. The twins shared a devilish grin. It was hard to think about a time that he hadn't been in her life. Years may have separated them but time had drawn them close. "Yes, I guess so," she replied, unashamed. "And I have to say that as far as minions go, you're sorely lacking."

"Thank you."

They sat that way for a second, soaking in some warm and fuzzy familial feelings that Leia welcomed openly. "Han has a daughter," she stated flatly, ripping the topic off out of nowhere, like badly adhered bacta from a wound.

"What?"

"He has a daughter," she said again, the words came easier that time. "Orakzai's granddaughter, apparently and he wanted Han in exchange for the Corellian fleet. Everyone's been speculating how that deal went down, you know? Well, Orakzai wanted Han…undivided. And he made me choose."

"Wow," Luke breathed. "Does Han know?"

"That he has a daughter?" She asked, carrying on the discussion as if they were hashing out menu items for an upcoming event. "I guess he knows by now. Does he know why I did what I did?" She shrugged. "I don't know."

"Have you talked to him?"

Leia scoffed and stood up out of her chair. She went back to the window and looked out over Capital City. "I shot at his ship, Luke. I might as well've stabbed him in the chest. Besides," she said sadly, turning back to look at her brother. "He has a daughter."

"So?" Luke replied, standing up as well. "Are you saying that changed the way you felt about him?"

"No! Not at all. I'm just saying," she paused and shook her head. "I don't know what I'm saying." She waited for Luke to say something but when he didn't she inhaled a deep breath and pressed on. "I guess what I'm saying is that when I made my choice it wasn't just for the troops, just for the New Republic," she stopped. "It wasn't even for that at all, not in the slightest. If it was that I could call him, throw myself at his mercy and let's be honest, it's not like he would be really surprised." She stopped again, listening to her own words and maybe for the first time understanding their meaning. "But all I could think about, all I could imagine was that some little girl out there had lived her whole life without a father, and it was up to me to give her one. I chose because of that. What if someone had at sometime made that same choice for us? How different might it have been?"

Luke watched her, for as naive as he sometimes seemed, he took it all in perfect stride. "Well, then, that's all the more reason to talk to him. He has to have been figuring some of this out. He's a reasonable kinda guy, Leia, even when it comes to the Falcon."

Leia winced at the mention of Han's ship, the memory of the impact blast still randomly flashed across her eyes unbidden. "Forgiveness for some things is hard to come by," she replied. "And besides, I'm assuming right now he just needs some time with…," she trailed off, waving her hand gently through the air as if to encompass everything else in the universe that was not her.

"Alright," Luke said, shaking his head. "As your minion, I guess I'll go ahead and agree with you. But can I say that as your friend and your sibling-"

Leia held her hand up. "I already know what my sibling would say. I've said it to myself a thousand times."

"People can forgive anything," Luke replied.

Leia shook her head. "No, not everyone is like you. Not everyone can hear a five second apology and hand out forgiveness like candy."

"I," Luke started, but then stopped himself. Leia could see the heat crawling up his neck. "I thought you didn't want to talk about that?"

"I don't," she replied, stepping away from him and sitting back down at her desk. "Han just needs time and I intend to give it to him." She began to shuffle some flimsies around and busy herself with nothing in particular.

"How can you possibly know what Han needs right now? Leia-"

"Look," she replied, cutting him off. "Let's just go back to you agreeing with me. How did we get off of that?" She could feel Luke's eyes watching her. She tracked his movement in her peripheral vision. Her breathing slowed down a bit when he walked back to his chair and sat down.

"Whatever you say, sister dear," he drawled.

She still didn't raise her eyes to meet his. Too many emotions were running through her to stare down those ice blue orbs. "Good," she replied tightly. "Now, what are we doing for dinner tonight?"


Corellian Spaceport

"So, if I would pull down on this, the dampeners would level out the distortion from the interference. And then I could engage the drives?"

"Yeah," Han replied, pride and amazement painted all over his face and radiating warmly all over his insides.

One corner of Eliza's mouth ticked up triumphantly and she turned her attention back towards the control panel of his ship. Han had taken Eliza with him to meet Chewie and tag along as the two of them started on repairs to the Falcon. The young girl had taken instantly to Chewbacca, which had been no surprise but then also quite surprisingly to his ship. In fact, their quick visit had turned into an all day affair. Han had fed her rations that were a few cycles expired and the long-sleeves, knees and various parts of the clothes she had been made to change into for this expedition were black with dirt and grease. But she had taken it all without complaint. He wasn't, however, looking forward to the reception their late return would garner them, but he pushed that to the back of his mind to worry about later.

Repairs to the Falcon had progressed painstakingly slow, as Han took the time to indulge his daughter in answering all her questions and allowing her to perform some minor maintenance with an omni tool and a pair of hydro spanners. She was now sitting in the pilot's seat of the Falcon while Han threw simulation exercises at her after she had bragged that she was proficient at piloting the family hovercar around the back garden and didn't see how spaceflight could be any much different.

The question she had just answered had been a throwaway question, something Han had never intended for her to puzzle out on her own. It was a way to end the session with her stumped and thinking about what the right answer might be. Han had hated when his instructors had done that to him back in his days at the Academy and it chafed him a little now to finally understand the value that particular tradition held. But she had not been stumped. She had answered the question correctly, even if it had taken her a little while to figure it out.

He could not have been more proud, it was like the final stamp had been seared into his heart. She was definitely his. Eliza hadn't paid any notice to his obvious wonderment, she had apparently not answered the question to impress him or earn some token praise. The Falcon had just totally enchanted her, something else that Han found entirely endearing. In fact, the child had already moved on, tracing her fingers over the worn labels of switches and buttons, leaning in, squinting her eyes and asking and guessing what each one would do or what it meant. She drew back, her finger still stretched across and pressed against a small dial. "Am I right?" She asked, looking up at him. Han had not heard the question.

He followed her finger over to the dial that she was pointing at. It was the internal calibration meter for the hyperspace relays. He drew his gaze back to meet her inquisitive eyes. Whatever she had asked, he'd give the universe away if she was right. "I think we've had enough for today," he said, standing up. "I'm sure there's some social commitment or household regimen that I'm causing you to miss."

Han had been staying at the Orakzai mansion for just little over a week now and the routine and obligations that came with that were rapidly wearing him thin and his commitments were nothing when compared with his daughter's. He had to dress for meals three times a day and was expected to greet guests when called upon to do so. He was growing impatient to speak to Sasha and hash out some sort of custody arrangement that would allow him to take Eliza with him, or at the very least visit her unrestricted without having to live in the Orakzai home. But meeting with Eliza's mother had been a touchy subject since the very first time he had mentioned it to Stanton and the topic had been unofficially shelved until Eliza's grandfather returned.

Eliza, at hearing Han's answer, fixed her mouth into a frown and looked away from him. The change that came over her facial features was dramatic and although Han had grown somewhat used to it by now, it was still fairly unnerving. When they were allowed to visit alone, Eliza was playful and young, still a bit sharp-tongued and witty but not as cagey as she had been during their first meeting. But at the mere mention of her family or the Orakzai home, the solemnity and the years came crashing down upon her like a cave collapsing in on itself.

Han sighed. "What if I promise we can come back tomorrow?"

Eliza dragged her finger away from the control panel of the cockpit and nodded. She was more resigned than excited by the prospect of another visit on some other day. It was something that worried Han and puzzled him. She seemed hesitant if not completely incapable of looking forward to anything in the future. He first noticed it when he had quizzed her about her lifelong dreams and aspirations. She expressed no desire beyond surviving day-to-day. He had not pressed her on it, but he had made a note of it. And now, he recognized it in almost every interaction they had. She not only could not fathom what her long-term future had in store for her, but she could not or would not even allow herself to venture beyond what might happen to her beyond each and every day.

"Hey," Han said, placing his finger under her chin and lifting her face to his. "Your grandfather is supposed to be home by tomorrow. Maybe we can go see your mom, too?"

She shut her eyes and gave another resigned nod as she stood up and walked past him and out of the cockpit. Han watched her leave, clenching his jaw together and feeling a knot cinching tightly around his heart and staying there.