It was Saturday afternoon but Mercedes was still in bed. In keeping with the tradition she'd started with Sam, she would watch Doctor Who on a Saturday morning. But this particular day it had stretched into the early afternoon. No need to get dressed and go watch it in the den with the door open when there was no boy to have to be careful around.
She was still in her pajamas and she was feeling flat. The elation that she'd felt earlier in the week when she had disposed of both Shane and Missy within minutes of each other had now passed and she was back to feeling empty.
Something was still missing.
Something still wasn't right.
She clutched her pillow close to her chest and fought the feelings of loneliness and abandonment that lay heavily on her chest.
Suddenly there was a gentle tap on her door.
"Hello?"
The door opened slowly and she was surprised to see Kurt there. "Your mom let me in."
It had taken a lot for Mercedes to make her peace with Kurt. He'd been so mad at her about Shane and she really couldn't blame him. It had taken the hugest slice of humble pie to approach him to apologize to smooth things over but eventually they had. Over a familiar coffee at the Lima Bean they'd discussed how she felt he'd drawn away from her and towards Blaine and Rachel and they had parted agreeing that they would both have to invest more into their relationship.
As Kurt entered the room, his eyes rapidly scanned the room and narrowed as they fell on her. "Your hair's still wrapped at 1.07pm? Girl you must be in a bad way!"
Despite herself she had to grin. He was looking her disapprovingly, taking in the unkempt appearance and empty cereal bowl beside her. She glared back at him hard, daring him to say the cutting remarks that she knew were going through his mind.
But two could play at that game. And instead of starting the banter that he knew she was craving, he simply took the empty bowl from beside her and placed it on the dresser before climbing into the bed next to her and shifted his focus to the screen.
"So what are we watching?"
"Doctor Who."
He gave her the one eyebrow and she knew she had to continue. "The Doctor is the last Time Lord who travels through space and time in ship disguised as a blue police box. It's bigger on the inside and he gets to have lots of adventures and save people. Unfortunately for you it doesn't contain any songs!"
"So which one is the Doctor?"
"He's the tall skinny one with the bow tie."
Kurt leaned forwards slightly as if taking a closer look. "Hmmm... Bowties are cool!"
Mercedes turned her head towards him, her mouth agape.
He frowned. "What? What did I say?"
For the first time that day she threw back her head and laughed.
Kurt had no idea why, "But the braces don't quite work and the trousers are way too short!"
But Mercedes was too busy laughing and shaking her head to take issue, or even agree, with his next words.
They settled down and watched the last ten minutes of the episode. Mercedes tried hard to explain what was going on but Kurt just didn't get it. There clearly weren't enough show tunes. Much as she loved Kurt, she knew why Sam was a much better fit.
"So why are you here?" The episode finally finished and she switched off the TV with the remote.
"To take you out for lunch. But you've got a whole heap of things to do to get ready first so get moving!" He yanked the covers off her and practically pushed her out of the bed. Then he looked at his watch. "I'll be downstairs. I expect you to join me there is 30 minutes looking fabulous!"
"No Blaine today?"
Kurt shook his head. "No Blaine. He has family stuff to do and I have sadly neglected friend stuff to do!"
Twenty minutes later, Mercedes was downstairs. She was showered, moisturized and her hair was in a neat ponytail. But she was also wearing sweatpants and a tank.
Kurt's disapproving look returned with a vengeance. "And where do you think you're going dressed like that?"
"To the stove. I don't feel like going out so I thought maybe I could make us some bruschetta instead."
Kurt wanted to be annoyed at her lack of effort to go out but the reality was that he knew Mercedes' bruschetta was way more delicious than the one at Breadstix so on this occasion he allowed her to have her way.
Mercedes couldn't quite shake off her feeling of dejavu. The last time she and Kurt were sat eating lunch like this was the time when he had finally managed to get her to confess all about seeing Sam and now it felt like he was trying to get her to fess up all over again. But to what?
"Sam."
That's all he said. One word. And yet Mercedes knew exactly what he was saying. She pushed the plate with her final piece of bruschetta away from her. Suddenly her appetite was gone.
Kurt had wisely finished eating his delicious morsels before saying what he needed to say. "Don't worry Cedes. I'm not going to lecture you. I've said everything I need to say in various ways to you over the last few weeks, and I know that deep down on some level you did actually listen even if you haven't acted on it now. What I have for you today is a suggestion."
"A suggestion?"
"Yep. One of those psychology things. I know you're not over Sam. You know you're not over Sam. The whole damn Glee club knows you're not over Sam. I can't make you speak to him if you really feel that you can't. But you have to let it out. You can't heal or move on until you do. So my suggestion is a letter."
"A letter?"
"Yep. Just put it all down on paper. Write a letter to Sam. Tell him everything that you really want to say to him. Your thoughts, your fears, your reasons for dealing with things the way that you are-"
"But I can't write to him!"
"Let me finish! You write down everything and you write down the absolute truth. Then what you do with the letter is up to you. If you want you can send it to Sam. If you want you can seal it in an envelope and burn it over the stove as soon as you finish writing. What you do with the letter doesn't matter. This isn't about Sam it's about YOU! You've held too much inside for too long and it's eating you up. You need to release it or it will destroy you. You've already changed as a person and as your friends we want to help. But you need to start by helping yourself."
"So I just write it all down? I don't have to tell anybody?"
"Nope. If you want you can keep it and show it to somebody. But the important thing is not who sees it, it's the process of you putting all the things down on paper that you've kept inside. It will eat you if you don't let it out."
Mercedes considered it for a moment. This was way less intrusive than another cat intervention. "Will you help me?"
"No Cedes. I can't. This is private and it's all about you. I'm going to leave you now so that you can get on with it in peace and privacy."
She nodded as he rose from his seat and reached round to hug her. "I do love you, you know!"
She nodded "I do know. And I don't mean to be so silly sometimes."
He nodded. "I know that too. I just want to be able to tell Sam that you're doing ok. That's all he's asking for. He's not putting any pressure on you."
"I know. It's my turn to sort myself out. Thanks for this Kurt."
"No problem. This is what friends are for!"
Mercedes was sat at her desk. It had been more than an hour that she'd been sat there, staring at the huge piece of paper in front of her, wondering how on earth she was going to fill it.
In the last forty five minutes she had managed two words. Dear Sam. Hardly a flying start! It's not that she didn't know what to say, it's more that it was such a crazy jumble of information that she didn't know where to start!
With her pen she started to draw little doodles round the page. Hearts, stars, flowers. And more hearts. It calmed her. It helped her focus.
And suddenly, what felt like an age later, she finally began...
Dear Sam
I hope you're doing okay. I decided to write this letter with pen and paper because it gives me time to organize my thoughts. I don't want to keep editing as I go. I want to just tell you the truth. The whole truth.
I don't really know where to start with this. Okay so maybe I do. I need to start by apologizing. A big apology. A massive one. For not staying in touch. I know you wanted to. And I know that you've tried really hard. But I've been a completely selfish bitch. Every email, missed call, voicemail and letter was read and heard a thousand times. I promise you that from the bottom of my heart. I just couldn't bring myself to reply.
Okay so I also have to say right now that I'm sorry if this letter gets a bit rambling. I'm just writing as it pours out of my head because for the first time since we broke up I'm just trying to be completely honest. Honest with you and more importantly, honest with myself. Besides, you of all people know about rambling on when you're feeling nervous. It's one of the things I loved about you. Still do actually. But I'll get to that in a bit.
This whole letter is Kurt's fault. It was his suggestion. I know he's in touch with you. He's tried so hard to get through to me about you and all I've been doing is brushing him aside. The truth is that all I ever want to do is to talk to him about you and ask him about you. But I'm scared Sam. I don't know why but I am. You opened up so many new feelings in me. Right now I can just about keep a lid on them but I don't think it will last.
I'm broken.
Because I never got to tell you that I love you. Loved you. No, definitely love you.
I know now that you said it. It was as I was already shutting the door that fateful day. I only half heard the words and I didn't understand the Na'vi. But I've watched Avatar so many times since you've been gone that I know now. I should have said it back. I would have if I understood. Or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. Would it even have made a difference? We were only together a few weeks. What would we know of love? All this time I was trying to do the right thing. What I thought was the right thing. Breaking up with you was hard. In my head it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. Pull once, hard, and be done with it. Then the scab will form, the pain will ease and I will heal.
So that's what I did. That final kiss should have been our forever goodbye. But every time you called, or emailed or tried to reach me in some other way, it was like you were picking at that scab. I wanted to hear your voice so much. I wanted to tell you how I felt about you. But surely that would only make things worse?
You're six hundred miles and a couple of states away but it feels like you're at the opposite end of the universe.
I know I could try and come to see you. But I don't want to see you there in that other place. Seeing you there makes this breakup real. I want to see you here, in Lima. With me. I want you with me on the couch in the den watching Doctor Who with you in that crazy sexy Superman t-shirt. I want you whispering things in my ear that make me blush. I wish the TARDIS was real so that it could take us back to your motel room. To before that phone rang. I know you were always saying that I'm beautiful. But that was when you made me feel it. And I mean really feel it.
You were the first boy I kissed. The first boy I truly opened my heart to. And every night when I close my eyes to sleep I'm transported back to that afternoon. The way you looked, the way your skin smelled, the way your body felt, the way you stared at me with such desire in your eyes. I should have been scared but I wasn't. Because I trusted you. And because I loved you. And now I question myself. What if we hadn't been interrupted? What if we knew we only had five weeks. Would we still have taken things so slowly? There's a part of me that wishes we hadn't and that scares me! I can't believe that I regret wasting so much time.
Damn you for being so lovely and kind and patient! I know it's what we both thought we needed at the time but by doing the right thing we were so wrong.
I know that you know about Shane. And I know I have no explanation. I can't defend myself especially so soon after you. Even my parents expressed concern. Would it make sense to say that I was only with him because I missed you? Because that's exactly what it was. But I got it wrong. I got things very wrong. I was in a dark place when I got back from Florida. Then he came and he told me I was beautiful and I remembered what you said to me when we spent our last moments together in the park. About meeting someone who thought I was beautiful. I convinced myself that it was you giving me permission to move on. And maybe you were. But not like that. Never like that.
I felt you'd ripped my future away from me (because yes I did see our future - I saw it before we even began. I dreamed of a family with you.) And then he came and he offered me something that could have been an alternative. At most second best but still better than the darkness I was in. The darkness made me blind to his true motives.
I was hurt and I was lost and I felt that I had nobody to turn to so I turned in the wrong direction. And for that I'm sorry. I truly am.
I'm sorry for what I said to Jacob Ben Israel about you being 'so June'. It was as much a lie to myself as it was to everyone else. June was and always will be the highlight of my life.
I'm sorry for rolling my eyes (because I know you would have seen it and you would have noticed even though I had no idea I did it at the time).
I'm sorry for you finding out the way that you did.
I'm sorry for not taking the advice of our friends who warned me about him and his negative influence on me.
A wise feline once asked me a question that cut me like a knife through my belly. He asked: 'Are you blaming Sam for something that's not his fault and taking your anger and frustration out on others?' And I found I couldn't answer him. Because the truth was I knew the answer but I wasn't yet prepared to accept it. But now I am. And so I apologize again. I didn't realize I was doing it but I did blame you. I blamed you for accepting the situation so well. For not fighting it as much as I thought you should have. For not fighting for me as much as I thought you could have. I knew that you were right. I knew that you were making wise and sensible decisions. I know that you had thought things through and everything you said made complete sense. But I decided that I didn't want to hear it. I decided that I didn't want to accept it. Being with you had made me be more mature but losing you sent me straight back to square one.
Sam. My beautiful big-hearted Sam. I think about you all the time. Silly little things keep popping into my head. Things that make me smile. Just yesterday I was thinking about Kurt's face when we started kissing after we went on the double date with them. That line he said about my lip gloss being part of my look, not a second dessert for you. And how you just winked at me because you knew that when we got back in the car I'd re-apply it just for you to take it off all over again! I think about your smile. I think about running my fingers through your hair. And I think about your eyes. I think about your eyes a lot. You could never hide behind those eyes. They showed like a window when you were tired, or sad, or angry or downright horny!
Horny! Horny! Horny! Remember I would get so embarrassed and not be able to use that word? It's so much easier to write it down than it is to say. And it was impossible to say when you were looking at me the way that you sometimes did. When you thought I wasn't looking. You're such an ass man and I loved it. Sometimes just the way you looked at me could make me shiver with pleasure.
And most of all I think of you when I close my eyes at night. I think of you shirtless. All wet from your post work shower. And among other things I feel regret.
Being with you made me want to be a better person. A more mature person. Somewhere along the way I managed to lose that and hurt the ones I love. From today I promise to work on getting that back.
I will always love you and you will always hold a place in my heart.
Because you are my first love. You are the impossibly high benchmark to which all future relationships will he held up against. And wherever the future may take us, and wherever our lives my lead years down the line, that cannot be taken away.
I don't regret a single moment we spent together.
Forever Your Mercy
It was dark by the time she finished writing and she was emotionally exhausted. Without realizing she'd managed to cover nearly eight sides of letter paper in her large loopy writing and her wrist was hurting. Without re-reading what she'd written, she found an empty envelope and stuffed the folded pages into it.
Now what?
She instantly knew that she didn't want to burn it or destroy it. She'd put too much effort into all the writing for that. But neither was it meant to be read.
She quickly sealed the envelope before she could have second thoughts, and wrote Sam's name on the front. Then she quickly added his new address from memory.
After sitting, staring tearfully at the envelope for nearly thirty minutes, she pulled up a chair, grabbed her box of Sam memories, tenderly kissed the envelope, put the letter in and quickly locked it back up.
Then with a sigh she put everything back in its place.
Yes she did feel a little better for having written down her feelings.
And now the letter was safely locked away.
Out of sight but not out of mind...
Gone but not forgotten...
