The NEW Grim Edventures of Ed, Edd n Eddy
Episode Eight "Tastes Like Ed" (Part Two) [Chapter 12]
Written by thebestkindofstupid (also known as "Edd Shwartz")
Although I've mentioned this on the wikis, there is a reason for the episode titles being the way they are. One day, I was watchingThe Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandyon DVD, and I decided to watch Episode Eight first. Well, then I watched episode one. I decided to make a game out of going to the opposite end, each time I finish an episode, so I went to episode seven, then episode two. I ended on Episode Four. That's how I get the titles for these episodes. Episode one of this story is named after a segment from the original episode eight. Episode two of this story is named after a segment from the original first episode. Episode three of this story is named after a segment from the original episode seven. This is episode eight, so the pattern will not continue after this.
"Well, this is the place," Eddy said, showing Dracula the exterior of his house.
"Nice place you got there," Dracula said. "Dracula wish he still had a house like that."
Fred then came out of Ed's house (Don't question it), and said, "Hey, Ed, you're out of Peanut Butter, whipped cream, and brusslespouts." I don't know what he wanted with those three food items, either. "Hey, is that Dracula?!" he called.
Grim quietly said to Dracula, "You know, you don't have to fool with that idiot if you don't want to."
"Are you kidding?" Dracula said in an almost ecstatic tone. "Dracula love elephants! Dracula wanna feed him peanuts." He walked over to Fred Fredburger, and he said, "What's your name, little guy?"
"Fred Fredburger! Yes."
"That's a great name," Dracula said. "It's almost as awesome as Dracula's name."
"I can spell my name real good. Eff ar ee dee eff ar ee dee bee yoo arr geee … ee … arr. Fred Fredburger! Yes."
"Well, iddn't that cute." Dracula. "Well, I'm afraid I've got to go now," Dracula said, as he walked off with the Eds and Grim. He came back, looked the audience straight in the eye and referenced 2 Stupid Dogs by saying, "Ha! Dracula betcha thought Dracula was gonna say it was WRONG! Didn't ya?!"
[Scene Transition]
"All right, Dracula, my man," Eddy said, "now that we've gotten you an e-mail address, it's time to set up your dating profile."
Note: The creator of The NEW Grim Edventures of Ed, Edd n Eddy is not affiliated with any dating website, but I'd like to be.
"All right, first thing's first: What's your first and last name?"
Dracula tried to remember his last name, "Uhhh, just put 'Count' and 'Dracula.'"
"All right, now, we need a username, so stalkers don't murder you."
"Dracula is the Man," Dracula said.
"That's already taken," Eddy responded.
"Uhh, can we add a 17 like we did with my e-mail account?" Dracula asked.
"You're the boss," Eddy responded.
"This is wrong on so many levels," Grim complained as Eddy typed.
"What's your birthday, Dracula?" Eddy asked.
"Dracula was born on, uhh, August 15, 1431," Dracula said. "Wait, maybe it was April 30, 1211… No, I think it was June 27, 1930, or maybe October 25, 1881 or was it––?"
Eddy replied, "Well, it only goes back to 1900, so we'll just say today on 1900. Now, how tall are you?"
"Uhh, Dracula don't know that."
Double D said, "Just stand still, and I'll get a tape measure."
Dracula responded, "Don't tell Dracula what to do. Dracula was born knowing what to do. Just put five foot eight on there. That's close enough."
"Let's see here," Eddy continued. "Previous marraige?"
"Can I tell them later?" Dracula asked.
"Surprisingly, yes," Eddy responded. "Do you have any children."
"Heavens, no" Dracula said.
Ed called out, "What about Ir––"
"He's not in this continuity," said Dracula.
Eddy continued, "All right, ethnicity? Uhh, here we go. Vampire. Uhh, vampire again. Vampire, vampire, vampire… What are things you like?"
"Dracula like disco and dancing and fudge ice cream and Yorkshire terrier mixed dogs and, of course, himself, and…"
"All right, that's enough, I only needed three," Eddy responded, "and your dislikes include…?"
"Ain't nobody gonna tell Dracula what he don't like!"
"Eh," Eddy said, "very well, next question… What celebrity do you look like?"
"Does it matter if he's dead?" Dracula asked.
"No," Eddy answered, truly not knowing.
"Dracula looks like George Washington Carver."
"I wish I knew who that was…" Eddy responded. "Did your mother like you?"
"Of course, Dracula's mother liked him," Dracula said.
"Good. Good," said Eddy, "Now, what brand of watch do you own?"
"Dracula sold his watch," Dracula answered.
"Okay, good," Eddy said. "We all like baseball. How 'bout you?"
"Could we still to questions that are actually on the website," Dracula said, a bit annoyed.
"That's what it says," Eddy said.
"Okay, uhh," Dracula said a bit confused. "Dracula never liked baseball." Dracula then regained his normal attitude, "Dracula likes football, and not the stupid kind they play here. Dracula talkin' 'bout real football that's played everywhere else."
"Soccer?" Eddy asked.
"No, Soccer is for girls. Dracula talkin' 'bout REAL football, where you throw tennis balls and catch 'em with a stick," Dracula said.
"Jai alai?" Double D asked, extremely confused.
"No, they have wimpy sticks that make the ball too easy to catch," Dracula said. "I mean, reeeeal football."
"There's only two options: 'yes' and 'of course,'" Eddy said. "What was your favorite subject in school?"
Dracula thought hard as he said, "Dracula wasn't very good at school, but he was fond of math."
"Math guy, huh? Never would've thought," Eddy said. "How many times have you scraped your knee in public while wearing a tutu?"
"What?" Dracula said. "Never. Why are they even asking Dracula this stuff?"
"It's just part of signing up. Now, how many times did you sleep in your parents' bed when you were a kid."
"Four times, at most," Dracula said annoyed.
"I still think this is a big mistake," Grim complained.
"Say," said Dracula, "how many more questions is Dracula gonna have to answer?"
Eddy said, "I'm sure it won't take that much longer…"
2 and a half hours later…
"All right," Eddy said, "last question: What is your I.Q.?"
Dracula tried to think of an insanely high yet realistic I.Q. "One hundred and two," he responded.
Eddy finished the profile and said, "All right. Now we just wait for women to browse your profile, and they'll be all over you like bees on honey."
"Dracula thought he would be browsing theirprofiles," Dracula said.
Double D explained, "Times have changed, Mr. Dracula. Women now have equal rights as men. It was what people like Susan B. Anthony stood f––"
"Dracula know that, Dummy," Dracula responded. "Dracula just thought that was a requirement of the dating website. Dracula thought it'd be traditional is all." He turned to Eddy. "Why aren't the dates all over Dracula like bears on honey or whatever it is ya said."
"Just give it a couple of days. You can't just expect your website profile blow up overnight. It takes fanboys and fangirls who are going to enjoy the show no matter how bad it gets––" Eddy then heard a noise from his computer. Then another. Then Dracula's profile seemed to be blowing up with women interested in dating the prince of darkness.
"Wow, five hundred and seventy-four eligible bachelorettes," Ed narrated.
"Dracula still got it, after all," said Dracula, triumphant and a little bit surprised.
"Now, hold on," Double D said, "I'm not so sure about this. What if your date turns out to be a dangerous killer? What if they turn into a stalker? What if––"
"Don't listen to him, Dracula," Eddy said, "Come over here and pick out your first date."
Dracula browsed over some of the profiles. He read over the profile of a girl with short blonde hair and said, "Dracula like this one. FemaleYankeesFan1208."
"Let's set up the date right now," Eddy said, "You know any romantic places to eat?"
"Dracula know this cattle ranch with a lot of cows containing tasty blood. No, wait, that was a dream."
Eddy said sadly, "This is going to be harder than I thought."
[Scene Transition]
"All right, Dracula," Eddy said, "I got one of my brother's books on dating here: Dames, Dates, and You. I want you to pretend that I'm your date for a moment."
15 minutes later…
"Okay, that was a mistake," Eddy said, quickly.
"Yeah, you're right,' Dracula said, just as quickly.
The less I say about this part of the story, the better.
[Scene Transition]
"Dracula not so sure about this," Dracula said, while wearing a standard white business suit. He was at the fancy restaurant known as Mario's Place. It had several round tables covered in cloth, and it was very large. Two of the walls were more like bridges, in the sense that they have several tall upside-down-U-shaped gapes in the wall. The gaps were just as wide as the brickwork between each of them.
"C'mon, Dracula, you're bound to land that girl," Eddy said.
"Dracula starting to think this is a stupid idea," Dracula said.
"I agree," Grim said.
"Listen, it's all going to be fine," Eddy said. "Now, listen, WildWingedBovine23 should be here soon."
"What happened to FemaleYankeesFan1208?!" Dracula asked, confused.
Eddy explained, "Yeah, she was kind of busy all this week with…" Then, Eddy coughed and quickly and quietly said, "other dates."
"I'm NOT the only person she replied to on that site. Now Dracula REALLY thinks this is a bad idea."
"C'mon, it's not that bad," Eddy said.
"She's not a cow or something is she?" Dracula asked.
"No, it's just a screen name."
"Because that would be really weird."
"Well, it's not going to be weird," Eddy said, "because you and WildWingedBovine23 have a lot in common."
"Like what?" asked Dracula.
"Well, you both like––Shhh, here she comes," Eddy said. The Eds and Grim hid in a bush on the other side of the pillar. "Don't just stand there," Eddy said in the bush, "Talk to her."
"Uh," Dracula said nervously, "you must be…"
"Natalia," the girl said. This girl also had short hair, except it was very dark blue. She looked like a goth, wearing mostly dark clothes, but she wasn't really a goth. She just preferred wearing dark clothes was all.
"Nice to meet you, Natalia. Dracula's the name," Dracula said. Dracula pulled out Natalia's chair, and seated her. "You look very pretty, today," Dracula said, still a bit nervous.
"Thanks, you're not too hard on the eyes, yourself," Natalia said.
"So what now?" Double D asked in the bush, "Do we give Dracula dating advice now or––"
"Don't be ridiculous, sockhead," Eddy interrupted, "As evidenced by that earlier scene, my brother's book didn't know a thing about dating chicks."
"Then, what are we doing in this bush?" Double D asked.
Eddy paused for a moment, then he "whisper-yelled," to Ed, "You idiot, you got us in this lousy bush for no reason!"
Meanwhile, Dracula and Natalia were really starting to hit it off.
"So, then what happened?" Natalia asked Dracula.
"Dracula wasn't going to take no for an answer from the employee, so Dracula didn't just demand to see his manager, Dracula marched up to the C.E.O., and Dracula said, 'Selling ten hotdogs at a time and twelve hotdog buns at a time is like inviting Frankenstein to dinner. It sounds like a good idea, but then you realize you're going to be tired all weekend afterwards."
"Then what happened?" Natalia said in anticipation.
"The C.E.O. said Dracula was out of his mind, and Dracula said, 'That's not the point.'" Natalia started cracking up at this. "Hold on, wait until you hear the rest. So, the C.E.O. of the company invited Dracula to play golf, so we could iron all this out, so Dracula decided to bring…"
The Eds stared at the scene and decided that Dracula had the date in the bag. Eddy turned away from the scene to face Double D and Ed. "C'mon, boys, our work here is done," he said. The Eds then walked home, as it was almost dark outside.
Continued in Part Three
