Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world, it belongs to Trudi Canavan

Doubts

Sonea had very mixed feelings as she stood and watched Lorlen ride away from their valley. He had stayed for three days and during that time she had found time to talk to him about the things which worried her, particularly her longing to have another child. It had been such a relief to be able to unburden herself to a sympathetic listener. She had even had him look again to see if he could identify the strange magic Fallea said had touched her, but he found nothing. Nor could he discover any reason why she had not become pregnant again.

During her more public conversations with Lorlen, she noticed that Akkarin watched them, without appearing to do so. For a brief moment she had wondered if he were jealous, before dismissing that thought. There was no reason at all for Akkarin to fear that another man would take root in her heart and she thought he knew that perfectly well himself. Perhaps it was Lorlen that he watched.

Before he left, Lorlen handed back the lock of hair to Akkarin, who had looked at it for a moment before tossing it over to her with one of his special smiles.

"This belongs to you," he said, amusement in his tone, "You must take better care of it this time."

She had looked at it, curled in her hand, still with the knot in the middle she'd used to keep the hair together. It was as fresh and clean as the day she had shorn it from Akkarin's head despite having been in her pouch, then stored by Vinara, before being carried in Lorlen's breast pocket. She replaced it carefully in her pouch, silently promising to find some suitable material to wrap it in to keep it safe.

As Lorlen reached the end of the valley, he turned for a moment and waved, before disappearing down the trail. Although she waved back, Akkarin made no effort to do so and she wondered why. They re-entered the house and Akkarin fetched a bottle of wine and two glasses from the side table. They made themselves comfortable and sipped the wine slowly.

"It was good to see Lorlen again," Sonea felt compelled to break the silence which seemed to drag a little.

"As you say," was the reply.

She looked over at Akkarin but could read nothing in his features. She frowned a little. They had been friends for more than 20 years yet it seemed as if Akkarin was no longer concerned with Lorlen, that somehow he had managed to cut himself off from any ties to his time as a Guild magician.

"Do you regret seeing him after all this time?" she asked. She half-regretted the words as soon as she had spoken them, remembering the last time Lorlen had visited them and what had followed.

"I could have managed without meeting him again," Akkarin said, in a neutral tone.

It was obvious to her that there would be no proper discussion of Lorlen and his visit.

Silence fell again and they both retreated into their own thoughts. For Sonea, it was difficult to reconcile her pleasure at seeing Lorlen with the strong feeling she had that Akkarin was disturbed by it. She glanced at him under her lashes. He was staring at the fire, his glass of wine in one hand; the other was clenched in his lap. She remembered what Takan had told her when they were still in Imardin, that it caused Akkarin pain to see Lorlen as it brought back things he tried so very hard to forget.

In many ways, their lives up on the top of the mountains were pleasant enough. There was time to study as well as work and they had each other and their child. Yet Sonea had identified a well of discontent inside her that seemed to be growing little by little every day. She craved the excitement of action, of carrying out some sort of plan, of working with Akkarin in situations which were dangerous, yet at the same time, strangely thrilling. In other words, she missed the uncertainties of fighting the Ichani; of being able to draw on her strength and power as a black magician to defeat equally powerful enemies. She wondered if Akkarin felt the same. She suspected not. He had built up his network of smugglers and seemed to submerge his need for action in the game of outwitting the authorities in both Kyralia and Sachaka. There had been skirmishes, she knew, and each expedition carried a whiff of danger. Perhaps that was enough for him.

"You are very thoughtful, Sonea."

His voice roused her from her thoughts and she looked over at him and smiled, "I was just thinking about life up here on the mountain tops."

He stared at her for a moment, then said, "You think I should do what Vinara asks, don't you?"

Damn his mind-reading skills!

"Don't you?" she asked carefully.

"It is not my desire to delve into the Guild's problems once more. I spent too many years dealing with them. Oh, I admit, I enjoyed it at the time and once I thought I could never give it all up, but now, I feel differently. Guild life was so inward-looking all the time, too wrapped up in its own petty affairs. I have made a new life for myself; I am more now than just a magician. I have you and our son, a family I thought I would never have. Why would I want to go back to all the in-fighting Lorlen describes so well? I am afraid….."

His voice died away. She knew he didn't mean a physical fear of death or injury, whatever anyone said about Akkarin, they could never say he was a coward. No, it was more than that and perhaps that was the root of his concern.

"Afraid of what?" she asked when it became obvious he wasn't going to complete his sentence.

"Afraid of being sucked into it all again; afraid that I will begin to crave power once more; afraid of what that will do to me after my struggle to be free of it all."

She could see it clearly now. Akkarin was like a man who had lived for years taking pleasure in drinking to excess. He had weaned himself off it over a long period and now feared being caught once again in its snare. Power and influence were like a potent drug and Akkarin had, for years, been a wielder of much power. She could imagine how that might draw him, however reluctantly, back. But, he had not rejected the invitation outright. There must have been something which had caused him to stop short of complete rejection.

"It's the King, isn't it?" she said suddenly as the answer came to her. "If Lorlen hadn't told you what the King said, you wouldn't have given it a second thought, would you?"

"No, I would not, but I can't help feeling some sort of responsibility towards Merin," he said slowly, "He always relied on me to help him out of some problem or other. I cannot simply ignore him, especially when he has no idea how to cope with the Guild."

"Will you be persuaded?" she asked quietly.

He smiled ruefully, "There's a possibility, but I will not say one way or another until I have spoken with Merin. Personally, I hope to persuade him that I am not the person to take on this task."

The summons, when it came, was sealed inside a small book addressed in Lorlen's sloping hand, to Captain Verrin at the inn in Galia. The inn was a useful address for things purchased in other parts of the country, and Akkarin used it frequently, especially for the books he obtained, so no one thought anything of the small neat package which rested on a shelf waiting for Takan to collect it on market day.

Akkarin was away when Taken returned with the book. Sonea put it on the table and stared at it curiously. It was a thin package, with nothing other than Lorlen's writing to tell her where it came from. She was tempted to open it, but managed to contain herself until Akkarin returned later in the day. She watched as he carefully removed the wrapping and laid it aside. Life in the mountains had taught them not to waste anything.

The book was an old one and judging by the smile which flashed across Akkarin's face, one he had wanted for a long time. He opened it and found the thin white parchment folded into three and sealed with wax.

"Merin's private seal," he explained as he slit it with his dagger and spread open the paper. He glanced at the contents, then passed it to Sonea. It was short and to the point. It said that the King would be spending some time at his hunting lodge near Windrest and would be expecting a visitor one week from today.

She looked up at Akkarin, "I shall go with you. Takan can look after Justen, you know how much he likes having the boy all to himself."

Akkarin allowed a smile to briefly cross his lips, " I suppose if I suggest that you stay here, you will only follow me, and get into all sorts of problems on the way."

She laughed, "You know me too well, but I can be useful. An objective opinion is worth a lot."

"An objective opinion!" It was Akkarin's turn to laugh, "I don't think you've had an objective opinion about me in your entire life!"

She went over to him and put her hand on his shoulder, "Please don't leave me behind. I'll go out of my mind with worry not knowing what's going on."

He looked at her steadily for a moment, then smiled, "We left the Guild together, so it's fitting we meet the King together. Besides," he added mischievously, "The Eye only knows what trouble you'd get into if I left you on your own!"

They set off the following day, taking very little, apart from a fresh change of clothing. Akkarin estimated it would take three days of hard riding, or four days at a slower pace to reach the hunting lodge. They had chosen the easier option and had plans to spend the night before their meeting with the King at a suitable inn, so that they would be well rested before what might turn out to be a difficult reunion.

"Have you been to this place before?" Sonea asked curiously, but Akkarin shook his head.

"No, he only purchased the estate a short time before we left the Guild but I suspect it is relatively small. The King likes to get away from the formalities of the Court at times and it's unlikely he would take the Queen or any of his Advisors. That's probably why he suggested it."

The journey passed without incident and they arrived at the inn exactly as planned. It was a small country inn with only a few rooms for guests. It seemed to be a quiet period because the innkeeper was gratifyingly pleased to see them. He ushered them into his best room and promised an excellent supper. He even had a few precious bottles of Anuran Dark, Akkarin's favourite wine, in stock which he arranged to be placed in their room.

The innkeeper was true to his word and later that evening they enjoyed a plentiful meal, although Sonea found herself unable to do full justice to the rich country stew and warm crusty bread. Despite her strong desire to be at the meeting with the King, she felt increasingly nervous of the outcome. Akkarin had been in a subdued mood during the journey, going for long periods without saying much. In some ways it reminded her of their first journey together in the wastelands when she'd felt cut off from her companion and what he was thinking. She didn't like it one bit and hoped it was not an omen.

As they had drawn closer to the King's estate, she became more and more convinced that they were making a terrible mistake, but it was too late to turn back. Now the reunion between the King, his former High Lord and the High Lord's former Novice, was only a few hours away and the bad feeling in Sonea's gut was like a hard, cold lump which cast a huge shadow over her and everything she did.

What's the matter with me? she asked herself a thousand times. I used to be able to make up my mind and stick to it come what may! She thought about the times during her noviciate when things were hard and how determined she had been that no one would deflect her from her purpose to learn magic and become a qualified magician.

You only got this way when you fell in love with Akkarin! her mind said snidely, That's what loving a man gets you - countless worries and a life full of indecision! and she almost laughed aloud at the truth of it.

After their supper and a few glasses of wine, they made good use of the inn's bathhouse, then returned to their room. They had both decided it was important to get a good night's sleep, but in the event, Sonea lay awake in Akkarin's arms, her head on his chest, her arms around him and usually in this position, she fell asleep quickly. But not this night. She kept still, not wishing to disturb her companion, but after a long while, she became aware that he, too, was still awake.

What is the matter? she sent, her mental voice barely above a whisper.

Go to sleep, Sonea.

She raised herself so that she could look at him. I can't and neither, it seems, can you. Tell me what the problem is.

He got up and went over to where the wine bottle sat on a small chest. He poured the rest of it into two glasses and came back to the bed. He mounded up the pillows and sat back against them before patting the space next to him and she scrambled to join him. She took the glass he held out to her, but set it down untasted.

"Why can't you sleep?" she asked, "What concerns you?"

"I've been going over it in my mind," he started, "Trying to think of what sort of things the King may use to try to persuade me. I think it's painfully clear that he wouldn't have risked sending for me if he wasn't serious about my return. That won't be easy to arrange. You heard what Lorlen said about the factions which are developing and you can be sure that a lot of people see themselves as High Lord, and would not be happy at the return of a disgraced one."

She didn't like the way he described himself, but in fairness, a lot of magicians probably thought of him in exactly those terms. She remembered a number of globelights at his Hearing had not been white.

"Perhaps the King knows what he's doing," she said. "After all it's been nearly seven years since our Hearing and who knows how many people now realise you were right all along."

He shook his head, the old crooked smile in evidence, "Oh Sonea, you think people will flock to me, that somehow I'll be able to wrap them round my fingers again. I'm afraid you'll be in for a great disappointment."

"But you've known this from the beginning," she persisted, "There's something else which is bothering you, isn't there?"

All traces of a smile disappeared from his face and it gradually assumed his distant mask. Seeing it, her heart sank. Surely he's not going to keep things from me again.

But it seemed he was, because he put down his glass and bent to kiss her, his lips warmly enclosing hers, his hands sliding over her shoulders to push her sleeping garment down, freeing her breasts. It wasn't long before they were engaged in the familiar rhythms of lovemaking and she was able to forget her worries for a while. But afterwards, just before sleep claimed her, an unwelcome thought crossed her mind. Had Akkarin used his skill as a lover to divert her attention away from discovering what concerned him?