A/N – So the last chapter was a little on the sad side. Or a lot, but a little angst never hurt anybody. I really enjoyed writing the conversations in this chapter, so I'm hoping they turned out well. Let me know what you think!
Chapter 11 – Decisions
Lulu walked up to Kelly's slowly. Her heart was in pieces from what had happened with Johnny. She hated herself for what she had done. She should have never gotten involved with him. This pain was too much. Not only had she lost the only man she had ever truly loved, but also her best friend. She had never felt so alone and there was no one to blame but herself. She sighed as she entered Kelly's and walked to the counter to take a seat.
"Blonde One?" she heard from behind her.
"Yes?" Lulu asked, turning to see Spinelli.
"What plagues you?" Spinelli wondered.
"I guess you haven't talked to Johnny," Lulu muttered, facing forward again.
"The Lover of the Fair One has been incommunicado as of late," Spinelli replied, sitting beside her. "Perhaps the Blonde One would provide the Jackal with understanding?"
"I don't even know how to talk about it," Lulu said, tears coming to her eyes.
"May the Jackal suggest a direct approach," Spinelli responded.
"Johnny and I aren't seeing each other anymore," Lulu sighed.
"What could have separated the Bonded Souls?"Spinelli inquired.
"My stupidity and fear," Lulu answered.
"The Jackal needs more details to properly assess the situation," Spinelli replied.
"I broke up with him because I'm too scared of losing him," Lulu clarified.
"Perhaps the Jackal is mistaken, but didn't the Fair One lose her love in this case?" Spinelli asked.
"I meant I couldn't handle him dying," Lulu explained. "Him risking his life constantly for other people. I was too scared."
"Doesn't the Blonde One fear being without him?" Spinelli wondered.
"Yes," Lulu said softly. "But it's too late now anyway. I hurt him so much and I can't risk doing that ever again."
"The Jackal believes in the love of the Bonded Souls," Spinelli smiled. "Fair Lulu should as well."
"It's not that I don't think he would take me back, Spinelli," Lulu muttered. "I'm afraid he would."
"Again, the Jackal finds himself in a state of confusion," Spinelli replied.
"All I'm capable of is hurting Johnny and I don't want to do that," Lulu sighed. "Even if he took me back, eventually I would break his heart again. That's just who I am. I refuse to do that to him."
"True love makes life better," Spinelli said wisely. "No one knows what the future holds for the Bonded Souls, but the present is what they should live for."
"But what if-" Lulu tried and Spinelli held up his hand.
"What if the Fair One died tomorrow and the Wounded One never knew how she felt about him?" Spinelli asked. "Plenty of 'what if's exist. Which ones are relevant?"
"You're really smart, Spinelli," Lulu smiled. "I just need to think about it some more. I know I love Johnny and I want to be with him, but I have to know that it's what is best for him. He has put me first for so long and I need to return that favor."
"The Blonde One's good intentions are honorable," Spinelli noted. "But do not fail to consider the possibility that the Fair One is what is best for her love."
"Okay," Lulu nodded.
"The Jackal must depart," Spinelli said, standing up and heading for the door.
"Bye," Lulu waved.
The door opened and closed again as Spinelli left the diner. He had made some good points and left Lulu with a lot to think about. Could she really make Johnny happy forever? Or would she do as she expected of herself and break both of their hearts?
Johnny's feet carried him away from the meeting and to the Metro Court. The doors to the lobby were open even though the hotel was closed after the party had almost turned deathly on the previous night. He headed for the stairs and climbed all the way to the roof. He approached the ledge of the roof and leaped to stand on top of it. The last time he stood on the ledge of a roof was before he met Lulu. He used to love standing and looking out over the edge to get a rush. But once he met Lulu he didn't need tall buildings anymore. Just being near her gave him the most powerful rush he had ever felt.
He sat down on the edge of the ledge. Standing had done nothing for him. He realized he would never be able to get a thrill from doing that again. Not when he knew something so much better. He closed his eyes and pictured her beautiful face. He wished he had let her explain why she was breaking up with him. Maybe he could have changed her mind. Maybe they would still be together.
He felt someone sit down next to him on the ledge and he looked to his right to see Jason. Johnny assumed that Jason had followed him after the meeting. He hadn't really intended on quitting the Fearless Yet Flawed Foursome, but when the idea popped into his head he went with it. He wanted to rid his mind of all the haunting memories of Lulu and so much of those memories were tied to his time as the Prince of Reprise.
"You look like hell," Jason said, bringing Johnny out of his thoughts.
"That really upsets me. I thought I looked like a movie star," Johnny said sarcastically.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jason wondered.
"Talk about what?" Johnny asked, feigning ignorance.
"Let's start with you quitting this morning," Jason suggested.
"I'm not needed anymore," Johnny shrugged. "The main threat is gone and you three can handle anyone new."
"Johnny, last night you saved everyone. It was your plan that allowed us to take down Helena, Jerry and your father," Jason replied. "I think we need you."
"I just don't want to do it anymore," Johnny said sadly. "I have no reason to."
"Which I'm guessing means something happened with Lulu," Jason muttered.
"She broke it off," Johnny whispered.
"I'm sorry," Jason offered.
"Don't be," Johnny sighed. "You didn't do anything."
"Did she say why?" Jason asked.
"She offered to explain, but I didn't want to hear it," Johnny replied. "I figured it didn't make a difference."
"I would have still wanted an explanation," Jason responded.
"I just had to get out of there," Johnny continued. "I felt like my chest was about to collapse on itself. I didn't want to hurt her by breaking down in front of her. She seemed pretty upset as it was and the last thing I wanted to do was make it worse."
"Why was she upset?" Jason wondered.
"She said she didn't want to hurt me," Johnny answered. "And I believed her at the time, but now I have to wonder if she meant it. I mean she told me she loved me. I waited for so long to hear those words and I was so happy. And then only a few hours later it's over. How is that not wanting to hurt me?"
"Sounds to me like you need that explanation," Jason replied.
"I don't think I can face her," Johnny said, shaking his head. "I realize now how weak I am. Lulu gave me strength and without her I'm nothing. Just like I was before we met."
"You're not weak," Jason argued. "You must have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and that is a sign of strength. Maybe right now you feel weak, but that's natural. You've been to hell and back in less than twenty-four hours and you need time to recuperate. But once you have, you will be the strong man that I have always known. And when you're back to your old self, you'll face Lulu and you will ask her why. And I bet you find a way to get her back."
"You're a good friend, Jason," Johnny said, smiling slightly. "I appreciate everything you said and I hope you're right."
"You're a good person," Jason replied. "And because of that, I know I'm right."
"Could you tell Sonny that I'm not sure yet," Johnny said, looking at Jason for the first time. "About quitting, I mean."
"I will," Jason nodded.
"Thanks," Johnny responded.
"I'm going to go as long as you promise not to jump off this ledge," Jason laughed.
"I promise," Johnny smiled.
Jason left and Johnny went back to his thoughts. He loved Lulu with everything inside of him and he would always want her in his life. Maybe he was too quick to assume that he couldn't have her. Maybe she just needed some reassuring because of her fears. He knew that Lulu wasn't afraid of much, but love was something she feared greatly. Maybe he did need her explanation after all.
Lulu couldn't help but replay Spinelli's words over and over again as she tried to get some sleep. She had spent two days trying to sort out her thoughts and emotions and decide what she should do. She rolled over in her bed and found the alarm clock read 1:47 am. She wondered if Johnny was asleep or if he tossed and turned the way she did.
That's when it hit her.
She had been stupidly trying to make this decision on her own. She realized that she didn't know what was best for Johnny, only he did. Only he could decide if he was willing to risk a lifetime full of her making mistakes and screwing everything up. She had taken away his right to decide and she needed to give it back to him. She pushed herself out of bed and quickly got dressed. She didn't care what time it was or about anything else. She had to talk things out with Johnny and they had to decide together.
And she couldn't wait another second.
