"Guten morgen. You have reached the residence of Ludwig Beilschmidt. Leave a message after the tone and ONLY AFTER THE TONE HAS FINISHED!"
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"This is the residence of Lovino Vargas, who can't be fucked picking up right now. Leave a goddamn message, what do you think I want you to do, you stupid bastard?"
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"Konnichiwa. This is Kiku Honda. I cannot answer the phone, so please leave a message and I shall call you in return. Thank you."
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"Heyo, it's the hero! Better known as Alfred F. Jones, but I can't come to the phone right now, 'coz I'm probably off busy savin' someone else. I'll get back to you if you leave a message. Check you later!"
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE FRANCE I'M TRYING TO RECORD MY ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE HERE AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOME CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEY COMING IN HERE TRYING TO- wait, is it already recording?"
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"Bonjour, you 'ave reached the residence of Francis Bonnefoy, 'oo is not the father. 'Owever, if you suspect that I am, please leave a message and I will be sure to return the favour, mon cher."
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"Nǐ hǎo. This is Wang Yao. As you can most likely tell, I cannot answer phone right now, but if you leave message I will be sure to call you back-aru."
*beep*
Put the receiver down. Pick it up. Dial the number. Wait.
"Privet, comrade. Ivan Braginsky here. I fear I cannot pick up phone right now, but leave a message instead and I shall call you, da?"
*beep*
That was it. He couldn't take any more. He put down the phone, took a few steps back, and sprinted until he was back in the lounge room. He threw himself onto the couch and curled up into a tight ball.
Why?
Why was he so alone?
It was taking all of Italy's mental strength to keep himself from crying his heart out. Germany and Japan were already his best friends, and Romano was his brother, wasn't he? Plus he had considered America, England, France, China and even Russia to be his friends ever since they had been forced to work together to fend off an alien invasion, despite the fact that ultimately he was the hero. Had they already forgotten? Had they never cared in the first place? Or what if…
What if something had happened to them? Something horrible? He wouldn't be able to live with himself if they had all been hurt or captured or even both while he had been in Death City. Or worse, what if they were all dead?
Not a single one of them had picked up. Not once. He had tried to think of others, but all the other countries he knew either didn't like him one bit, didn't care about him at all or outright didn't have a single clue who he was. If he tried to tell Austria what was going on, the pianist would just brush him off and say that none of this was his concern. Prussia was friendly, but too loud and obnoxious and sometimes drunk. If Italy tried all the people he knew, he would just annoy everybody and they would text each other to tell them not to answer the phone 'coz it was Italy.
'Why do I always end up alone?' he thought. 'Everybody always leaves me one way or the other: Grandpa Rome, Romano, Holy Rome- okay, maybe with all of them it wasn't their fault. I feel like the only person who actually wants to spend time with me anymore is Germany. I don't know how, but he always finds time to be with me. And the way he looks at me isn't like a friend or a brother...'
"Ve~ I wish Kid could come home soon," he thought aloud. "It's nice to have a big brother who's nice to me for a change. But does this mean that Liz and Patty are kinda like my big sisters now?"
He was very glad that Kid had agreed, but at the same time he missed his real family. But it had been nearly a whole day since the young reaper had departed for his European mission – a whole day of cooking and eating pasta, drawing and wallowing out in the sunshine – and he was beginning to get a little bit worried.
The front door creaked.
They were back!
"Kid!" he cried excitedly as he half ran, half danced into the entrance hall. "Liz! Patty! Ve~ I'm so glad you're home, I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to-"
He froze.
The Thompson sisters were leaning against the door, clearly exhausted. Their clothes were torn at the edges and smudged with mud and grass stains, as though they had fought their way through a wood. Liz even had a couple of leaves sticking out of her hat. Their eyes were red and puffy as though they had been crying recently, and as he watched, Patty sniffed and wiped a tear away.
"Liz?" he asked. "Patty? What's wrong, where's Kid?"
At the mention of their fallen meisters' name, Patty burst into wailing sobs and had to be hugged by her sister. Liz gave Italy a look of pure hopelessness and despair, tears gathering in her deep blue eyes.
"What's happened?" he asked, knowing the answer wasn't going to be good.
"C-Can you let us get cleaned up first?" Liz asked, stammering a little.
Italy nodded and returned to wait in the lounge.
He sat there, patient as a mountain, and listened to the hot water rumbling in the pipes in the walls.
Something horrible had happened. Not even he was ignorant enough not to notice that. And neither was he stupid. He always found it annoying that because he was ignorant and naïve, everybody naturally assumed that he was low on the intelligent quotient. It wasn't his fault that he was almost constantly surrounded by people who were smarter than him, was it?
While he waited, he started channel surfing, looking for something to watch.
"-come here to chew bubble gum and to kick ass, and I'm all out-"
"-ammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a-"
"-fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderbe-"
"-and you're not on it, you're gonna regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your li-"
"-a genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropis-"
"-have no fear, Zigzag your grand vizier is-"
"-isten very carefully, I shall say this only once-"
Italy turned the TV off. Despite the fact that several rather good films and shows were on, he couldn't bring himself to become absorbed in any of them. It meant he wouldn't be worrying about the girls and Kid, and that felt like the most important thing he needed to do at the moment.
He didn't have long to wait before the sisters reappeared, wearing a change of clothes and looking a lot cleaner – Patty's hair was still kinda wet, though.
"Ve~ can you tell me what happened?" he asked.
Patty remained silent while Liz took a deep breath.
"He knew something was wrong," she explained. "The moment we touched down, Kid got the feeling that something wasn't right. Patty and I didn't get it until we were a little way into the forest – the mission was back in the Black Forest, I think I should have told you – we began to feel like we were being watched. Like something invisible was following us. It started to get weirder when Kid found these notes lying around. They were all in different languages, but as far as he could tell they all said the same thing."
"What thing?" asked Italy.
"Watch Your Back," Patty replied.
"I think," said Liz, trying to remember, "there were two in English, one in French, one in German, one in Japanese, one in Chinese, one in Russian and one in Italian. I don't suppose it means anything to you?"
Italy shook his head.
Liz took a shuddering breath, clearly on the verge of tears.
"The feelings got worse as we found more," she continued, "and then after we found the last one, there was this-this thing, this big skinny guy in a suit with black tentacles coming out of his back, a-and Kid tried to shoot it, but nothing happened. And he couldn't get up because he-he'd slipped a-and hurt his leg, so he could only roll out of the way when that thing tried to stab him with its tentacles, but then he-he couldn't get out of the way fast enough and…"
She buried her face in her hands.
"Tall?" Italy muttered. "Black?"
Liz wiped her eyes.
"Yeah," she croaked. "It-it stabbed him. Right through the stomach. And then it picked him up and i-it started to walk away, but we didn't go after it because… because we were too afraid…"
"Too afraid," murmured Italy, "tall, black, claws…"
Liz stopped crying and stared at him.
"What are you talking about?" she asked. "It didn't have claws, it had-"
"Too afraid," Italy said, and clutched his head tightly, "I was too afraid, because it had claws and- no! No, no, please no!"
"Italy, are you okay?" asked Patty, and she knelt in front of him as he shook his head from side to side.
"…this can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening…" he chanted.
"Italy!" cried Liz. "Italy, calm down!"
"No!" he shouted. "This can't be happening! I didn't! I didn't! I DIDN'T!"
"Didn't what?" asked Patty.
Italy's eyes shot open.
"…no…" he whispered.
He slowly lowered his hands, which were shaking as though his arms were turning into stone and too stiff to move, to rest upon his knees. His toffee-coloured eyes stared straight ahead, and if they hadn't been filled to the brim with shock and horror they would be fixed intently on the ground. A single tear welled up and dripped onto his trouser leg. He didn't even blink.
"…I remember," he muttered. "I remember everything."
"You remember?" said Liz. "You mean about when you were attacked? Italy, what happened?"
He blinked.
"I was meeting Germany," he explained. "He said that he wanted to tell me something."
"Really?" said Patty. "What?"
"I-I don't know," said Italy, "but it was something he wanted to tell me in private. Someplace where nobody would find us, where no-one would think to look. That's what it said in the letter he sent me. It said 'Meet me in the Black Forest, I have something important to tell you'. I-I didn't really care what he said. I was just… I just really wanted to see Germany again 'coz he's my best friend ever in the whole wide world and…"
"And?" Liz prompted.
"Tell us what happened," Patty requested.
"We met," Italy continued. "He'd told me to wear my old blue uniform, the one from back in the War, and I did because it was old and comfy and it felt nice to wear it again after so much time. And so I-I put it on and I went out to meet him, but I had to lie to Romano because he doesn't like Germany and he would have got really mad and hit me or choked me if he knew I was going out to meet him, so I told him I was just going out to buy more tomatoes. Oh God, I haven't seen Romano since then, he must be really worried!"
"Calm down," said Liz, and he slowed his breathing to a steadier pace.
"I went out," he said, "and I had to run real fast because I had to go through Switzerland's territory and he always shoots at me and I don't know why, but I don't think he saw me this time. And when I met Germany, he was wearing his old uniform too, and he looked really handsome and intimidating, and he told me to take a walk with him. I-I was kinda nervous, I didn't really know what was going on, but we chatted about the weather and the woods and stuff and then he stopped me and he said 'I have to tell you something'. He started talking about how we had been friends in the past and how I'd been his only friend for ages apart from his big brother, and then he said something in German that I didn't understand. Do either of you girls know what 'ich liebe dich' means?"
The sisters shook their heads in bemusement.
"I don't know what it means," said Italy, "but he seemed really nervous and awkward when he said it, and then he got kinda mad when I asked what it means, but then when he was about to tell me what it means this- a monster appeared. It came out of the trees, all black and tall with massive claws and this really creepy human face! And then Germany stood in front of me and he told me to run away, but I didn't want to run because I didn't want him to get hurt, and then he turned around and started shouting at me that I had to run and…"
He wiped his eyes.
"It hit him!" he wept. "The monster hit him on the back and it scratched him, and he fell over and those scratches were huge and he was bleeding so much and-and he looked at me and I could tell he was really scared, but he ordered me to run away as fast as possible and not to look back for anything and I… I ran! I just ran away and I left him there and I heard him scream when I was running but he told me not to look back so I just kept running and then I heard something behind me and I knew the monster was chasing me so I screamed too and I could hear it right behind me so I ran faster than I think I've ever ran in my whole life and then…"
Liz put a comforting hand around his shoulders and felt him quivering under her hand. He started to gently rub his left arm.
"…I tripped," he said. "I tripped on a root and I fell over and the monster was standing over me, so I-I raised my arm to try to protect myself, but it brought its claws down and… it hurt. It really hurt and it made me scream again, and I-I got up again and tried to run away some more, but I didn't get as far before I tripped again and I was too scared to get up, and I really thought I was gonna die and then… then…"
He raised his head, but only slightly.
"Then you guys arrived," he said. "You-you dropped out of the treetops and then there was a big bang and the monster was gone, but I was still scared and my arm hurt and then it all went black…"
"Our fault, I think," said Liz, regretting putting a soul wavelength bullet in the back of his head.
Italy sniffed.
"I ran," he snivelled, and hid his overheated and dripping face behind his hands. "I ran away and I let Germany get hurt. I didn't do anything to help, just ran away like a coward and now Germany's probably dead because of me!"
"But there wasn't anything you could have done!" Patty pointed out. "If you'd tried to fight that thing by yourself you would have died for sure!"
"That's the worst part," Italy wept into his hands. "I'm completely helpless. I'm useless garbage. I'm a horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve to live another day!"
Liz and Patty traded a look that said 'Isn't that something Kid might say?'
Italy lay down on the couch and curled up, tight as possible, crying into his knees. He wasn't wailing or screaming, which was probably the worst part. These were the sobs of a person who had lost the thing they held most dear and believed with all his heart that he wasn't going to get him back.
"And now Kid's gone too," he moaned. "Kid's gone and I was just sitting here and I didn't do anything to help him because all I am is a stupid worthless coward who couldn't even be any help to a stick insect if he tried!"
"Italy-"
"I should have tried harder! I should have tried to talk him out of it! And now Kid's probably gone the same way as Germany!"
"Italy, Patty and I had an idea."
The wretched nation raised his head and looked at the teenage pistol with his eyes doing their best impersonation of Niagara Falls.
"Mm?" was all he said.
"We can't tell anybody about this," Liz explained. "If we do, one of two things will happen: either the two of us will be held responsible for letting Kid get captured, or after Kid's rescued he'll complain like crazy because he's the Grim Reaper's son and should have been able to rescue himself. He's like that, you know."
Italy just blinked at her. At this point, all Liz wanted to do was hug him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but there were far more important things to do right now.
"So… we were wondering," she continued, "I know it's a crazy idea but… would you be our meister?"
Everything froze.
Italy had stopped crying. Liz wondered if maybe it was such a crazy idea that it would never work. Patty sat on the floor, looking up at Italy, waiting expectantly for him to answer.
Until, after about fifteen seconds:
"WHAA?! But I could never be a meister! There's no way I'd ever be strong enough and what if I can't use you anyway? I asked Kid about it this one time when he made a really nice sandwich and he told me that if soul wavelengths aren't compatible the meister can't use the weapon and they just end up hurting themselves! And what will people say if they see me being your meister instead of Kid? Won't they ask lots of questions and be really suspicious?"
"It won't be forever!" said Liz. "Patty and I were thinking about it on the flight back to the US. Surely you've used a weapon before, haven't you? If you're a country you'd have to have been through a war or two-"
"That's different!" Italy insisted. "Those weren't weapons that could turn into people! And I never actually fought with anybody because I was too frightened! And didn't you say Kid got stabbed through the stomach? He's probably dead!"
"Italy," said Liz, taking his hands in hers, "Kid's a Grim Reaper. It'll take more than a tentacle to the stomach to kill him, but this time we need to save him. We need to do it as soon as possible. Patty and I trust you, Italy. Besides which, you were able to floor Kid with a single punch and beat a man to death with just a candle stick. You're stronger than you look and you're much stronger than you or any of the other countries think you are!"
Italy bowed his head, pulling his fingers out of her grip.
"I'm sorry," he said, lying back down on the couch. "I just can't."
Patty looked at her elder sister and mouthed "What now, genius?" Liz responded by pointing a thumb to one side, indicating that they should talk without Italy hearing. He watched as they walked to the corner of the room and started a near-silent discussion, using wild hand gestures where necessary, and it quickly became obvious that they were talking about him. Even though Patty clapped her fist at one point.
As if he was worth it.
He rolled over so he was facing the back of the couch, wishing that he could just hide away from the world in a tiny hole and let everybody forget that he ever existed.
And he felt the cushion sink under Liz and Patty's weight.
"Yeah," said Liz, "you're right."
"This was a stupid idea," said Patty.
Italy couldn't help but stare. What was wrong with them all of a sudden? They both sounded so bitter and resentful.
"I'm sorry," he said apologetically, "I wish I could be of more hel-"
"And you should!" Liz snapped. "Shoulda known it was the dumbest idea ever. How could we ever have expected you to agree to do something worthwhile for once in your life?"
Italy sat up a little.
"That's kinda unfair-" he started.
"Is it though?!" Patty demanded moodily. "Is it so unfair? How would you even know what's fair and what's not? You're just some dumbass coward who couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag!"
"Hey now, that's not true!" said Italy, sitting upright. "I beat up Turkey once! Only back then he was still the Ottoman Empire, and he tried to invade me and take me over, but I couldn't let that happen so I kicked him in the face! He left pretty quickly after that!"
"So what?" said Liz loudly. "That was how many centuries ago? And even if you did that, you just said it was once! Once! Just once! And how many other times have you fought for yourself and won since then?"
Italy could feel something odd happening within himself: his body was growing tense and felt over-energised, his face was growing warmer and his hands were involuntarily closing up into tightly balled fists which began to ever so slightly tremble.
"Stop it," he muttered, "just stop it-"
"I don't see why we should!" cried Patty. "It's all true, isn't it? All you are is a pasta-eating pussy! That's what you'll be from now on, and that's how I'm gonna remember you: Italy, the pasta-eating pussy. That's accurate enough, don't you agree?"
"You know," Liz chimed in, "I think the whole reason Kid got hurt and kidnapped in the first place is because you rubbed off on him, Italy. Your wimpiness and stupidity is contagious and it turned him into a blithering idiot! Is it any wonder that Germany was hurt when he spent all his time hanging around a weak little asshole like you? And then you just abandoned him to die! Some friend you are!"
"The FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!"
Before Italy knew it, he was on his feet, more furious than he'd ever felt in his whole life and screaming so loudly his throat hurt.
"You two think you know me?!" he demanded, stamping his foot for punctuated emphasis. "You think you know ANYTHING about me? I'll tell you what you know, you know NOTHING! NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! What, do you two think I'm HAPPY Kid got hurt? Things might have been rusty at first, but he's been like a big brother to me and I don't think I've ever felt as safe as I do knowing he's got my back! Or do you think I'm GLAD Germany's missing? I FUCKING! LOVE! HIM! Germany's the BEST THING that ever happened to me in all my life! Sure, the first time we met we were enemies! Sure, he hit me with the butt of his rifle! Doesn't every relationship start with a little bit of conflict?! It doesn't change the fact that from the moment I met Germany, from the very first second, I have never been so happy! And you know what? You have NO RIGHT to talk about him like that! NO! FUCKING! RIGHT! If I wanted to, I could go back to that place RIGHT NOW and go all mafia on those bitches! And there is nothing – NOTHING – that either of you could do to STOP MEEE!"
The only sound in the room was his breath, rushing in and out of his mouth, and the only movement was his chest heaving up and down as he panted uncontrollably. And although it may not have been the case, it felt as though the only light was coming from the fire burning in his eyes.
Looking up at him as he towered over them, Liz and Patty could have sworn that he had grown larger. Neither of them could ever have thought he'd look so…
…powerful.
Liz drew herself up to her full height, even though it wasn't as tall as the enraged nation, and looked him in the eye. A brief flicker of fear crossed her face: she had never seen anybody so angry in all her life.
"What's stopping you then?" she asked.
"Well, I-" Italy tried to voice his mind, but it seemed to have been replaced by a wildfire. "I- I guess I- nothing! There's nothing stopping me! I just said so, wasn't I fucking clear enough?!"
The world held its breath, as the girl known as Elizabeth Thompson… smiled?
"Jackpot," she grinned.
Italy took a step back.
"Huh?" he said. "W-what're you talking about?"
"Operation Piss Off Italy is a hundred per cent successful!" said Patty cheerfully, jumping to her feet.
"Tell me what you're talking about," Italy growled. "I demand you tell me right now-"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Liz. "We knew there wasn't any chance you'd agree if we just tried to encourage you, so Patty and I decided to try a little something called reverse psychology."
"That's where you get someone to do something by telling them not to do it!" Patty explained.
"We figured all you really needed to do was stand up for yourself," Liz explained. "Make you see for yourself how strong you are or how strong you could be. And I have gotta admit, that… was goddamn scary. Hell, I was afraid you were gonna hit me!"
"So now we know you can talk the talk," said Patty, "do you think you can walk the walk?"
Italy…
He had no idea how to respond.
His entire life, he had never shouted so much or even thought about swearing. He could feel his body buzzing and had to keep himself from twitching. Was that what an adrenaline rush felt like?
He liked it.
"You…" he said, slowly this time, "you really think I'm strong?"
Liz's smile grew wider.
"You're a country, aren't you?" she asked. "I would've thought 'strong' was in the job description."
Italy smiled. He clenched his fist again, but now his expression was of triumph.
"Ve~ then what're we waiting for?" he asked. "Let's do it! Let's GO!"
Pain shot faster than a speeding bullet through Kid's body as he coughed himself awake, and when he took his hand away from his face, he saw it was coated lightly in blood. The ground beneath his body was solid and cold, with the same feeling at his back and scalp as he realised he was lying in a corner. Feeling the surface proved that it was stone.
He felt unfamiliar fabric on his shoulder, resting over his suit. He sat up (with some difficulty, seeing as there was a rather large hole through his abdomen) and held it up to the almost non-existent light.
It was a military jacket with four huge gashes in the back.
"Heilige Scheiße."
His eyes flashed over to the other side of the room, where a hunched figure was sitting in another corner, barely moving. Had someone locked him up with a talking corpse?
"How are you still alive?" it asked, a masculine voice rife with European accent. "For that matter, who are you and why have they brought you here?"
Kid pulled himself into a better sitting position, leaning heavily into the crook between the two adjacent walls.
"Allow me to introduce myself," he said, trying to maintain some formality despite the fact that his voice was wavering in pain. "My name is Death the Kid, but I'm known to some people as Kid."
The stranger moved into the light cast from the window, if it could be called that.
"Gruß," he said. "My name is Ludwig Beilschmidt."
Kid couldn't help but smile.
"Nice to meet you, Germany."
Would you believe me if I said I had to sit back and take a breather after writing Italy's rant and when I finished this chapter? I had another one of those little moments where I asked myself "What the hell did I just write?" Even so, I'm pretty damn proud of this chapter. I know that it's going to put a lot of minds at ease about Germany.
And you can't say I didn't warn you.
Bʼryktn zʻnʻn bʼagrysn!
