Twelve: Lemon Drop
Daryl set out before dawn so he would not be noticed and especially so that Maureen wouldn't try to stubbornly insist that she go along. This had carried on long enough. They had to know if she was pregnant.
He was relaxed, focused as he passed in the shadows beneath Maggie. As much as Maureen's company wasn't a bother, it felt good to be alone, so why did he feel guilty about that?
Little did he know, the redhead was awake, staring into space when she saw his shadow pass by the Suburban away from the woods and towards the road. Not at all the right way to be going if he was headed out to hunt. She got the horrible feeling that he was in search for something for her, a pregnancy test. He hadn't said it in so many words, but she knew that was his plan.
She tried to recall what Glenn had said was in that direction; a convenience store and gas station, a plant nursery, there was a pharmacy that'd been mostly pick over, but that was too far to go on foot. There were housing developments around here, but that was a long-shot she didn't think he would take. The convenience store was the best shot.
She wrung her hands in worry, debating if she should chase after him. It was possible that he just wanted to check out that direction for game, or wanted to be alone. He could be going to the bathroom. That would be an uncomfortable thing to catch up to.
After slowly packing a bag while she debated she decide not to follow him. It was best to respect his privacy. If he wanted her there, he would have asked.
The group was up and moving now, Maureen kept glancing at Daryl's tent as did Rick who eventually went over to find it empty. "Did he say if he was going out?" Rick's question was directed at her and she couldn't help but feel surprised.
Maureen kept it simple, "No, but he doesn't really tell me his plans if they don't involve me."
"I hope he's alright," Carol came to stand with them. "It's not like him to just take off and not tell anyone."
Maureen could feel T-Dog's eyes on her, his face still mild, not giving anything away and she shifted uncomfortably. Had he seen him sneak off too? Or did he know she wasn't letting on to everything she knew. She often wondered if he ever heard or saw Daryl sneaking around at night.
"I didn't hear or see anythin'," Maggie said to Rick as Maureen exited. She went to occupy herself with helping Carol mend some clothing.
Daryl pulled an arrow from another Walker's head. That was five so far. He scanned for more movement, feeling brainless for going on a run alone. Yes, he was capable, but for something like this he knew he should not be risking it.
"Ya dope," he muttered as he kept on. He had a code, his own set of rules. A few he'd abandoned because they weren't really his, they were Merle's, but he was second guessing certain aspects of that. He didn't have any to follow in his current situation. He'd never taken into account for relationships because they'd never seemed like a possibility before. He was getting careless quickly and he had to keep his code intact. Merle was right, women did complicate things. Especially when they were small, sweet, and pretty.
"Never let a bitch get unda ya skin, litta brotha," he could hear Merle's voice, clear as day in his head. "Never let 'em get inta your head and sure as Hell never let 'em get inta ya bed. Don't ev' make 'er cum, that there was my mistake. Bitch'll make a little nest 'n' 'fore ya know it she wants ta settle down. She'll stop shavin' her pussy. Stops suckin' ya dick. Starts naggin' and tellin' ya ta cut back on the booze. Starts expectin' ya ta be home by five. And that's P.M., not A.M. jus' so's ya know."
Daryl sighed, remembering his brother ranting and raving in the bar that night after the girl he'd been boning asked about renting a trailer with him. It hadn't sounded so bad to him.
Maureen was special. He wouldn't do this for just anyone. She was like a little sister. No, that wasn't right, he'd thought too long and hard about her for that to be an accurate portrayal. He guessed a friend would be the proper word for it. It felt odd, he'd never really had a friend before. Only Merle, but he was blood.
The three women laughed at Carl, endeared at his determination. He was trying his best to mend one of his shirts where the fabric was torn by a branch. He poked himself with the needle again. He wanted to learn how to sew.
Lori stopped teaching him about history and math, the usual English and science at the farm. It didn't seem like a useful way to spend their time anymore. She'd already spent far to long in la-la-land, pretending that everything would be alright and would one day carry on like it had before. That just wasn't realistic anymore. Instead, she focused on more useful things.
Carol helped the boy adjust the shirt, picking it up and putting her hand inside. She laughed again, "Oh boy, looks like we've sewn both sides together." Lori and Maureen chuckled along with Carl who blushed under the brim of his Sheriff's hat. The boy's mother took the shirt to work her magic on it.
Maureen watched as she laid her son's shirt over her ever-increasing belly and she swallowed a dry lump in her throat. That could be her. "Excuse me," she said timidly as she got up to leave.
Maureen was awfully close to telling Rick where she thought Daryl had gone off to when T-Dog called down to the rest of the group that he could see the hunter. It was late afternoon and she was beginning to feel guilty and sick to her stomach.
"Where'd you go?" Rick called over to his right-hand man when he approached.
"Went to check out the lay of the land." Daryl headed straight to his tent and threw his bag inside. "Put some landmarks on the map."
"You should have checked in with someone." Rick's hand was on his belt, his face concerned.
"I wanted to get 'n early start. Didn't wanna wake anybody's all."
"Just, next time, make sure you do. Or bring Maureen." Rick glanced at her. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Everyone was worried about you."
Daryl nodded, uneasy at the last comment. Since when did everyone worry about where he was?
Maureen took the midnight post for look-out. She pulled her jacket tightly around her. It was an especially chilly night for the time of year. The area was quiet like it normally was. They'd only had few walker pass though in the time they'd been set up there. They figured the large expanse of woods on either side and the houses and road on the others helped.
She fixed her hair, making sure it covered her ears which were feeling chilled from the night air and watched Daryl appear from his tent. He was carrying something. Her heart raced as he motioned for her to go to the far end of the row of units.
He rounded the side to keep out of sight and looked up as Maureen crouched and sprawled herself out on her belly, he handed several things up to her wordlessly. She had to stretch her arms over the side to reach.
She looked at the first item, struggling to see in the dim moonlight. It was small and cylindrical, lip balm. She ran her teeth along her lips out of habit. They were sore. They hadn't fared well that day with all her worry over Daryl going off alone.
The second item crinkled, it was a king-sized candy bar. The third was a lightweight, rectangular box. It could only be one thing. She sucked in a breath and placed it next to her. Still lying down, she reach back over the side and extended her hand to her friend.
He reached up, thinking she was handing him something, but instead she grasped his fingers in her hand. "Thank you," she whispered. "You didn't have to do this. You shouldn't 've. I couldn't live with myself if anything had happened to you."
He nodded apprehensively and pulled his hand away, turning with out word and heading back to his tent.
Maureen stood and brushed herself off. She tucked the candy bar and lip balm into her jacket pocket and picked up the box. It felt heavy in her hands.
She wanted to rip open the box and take it right then and there, but she couldn't. She had to wait. There weren't many good times to take it. At night when she was alone, it was dark. During the day, the women went to the bathroom in pairs for safety. That only left one appropriate time.
"No, it's one thing for Daryl to go off on his own, but I can't let you do that," Rick was shaking his head at her. The group had just finished breakfast.
Maureen pursed her lips, "I just want to check out something I saw the other day. I think there might be more yams," she lied. "It will be quick."
"Take Daryl," Rick said, glancing at the man who was oiling bolts. That wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"I really am capable of going off on my own. It's less than a mile away. I was on my own for a long time before." she tried to reason with him. "I'll be back before you know it."
There was no swaying him, "Daryl," Rick called over to him, Daryl lifted his head.
"Nevermind, it's not a big deal." Maureen rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair.
"Are you going out today? Will you do me a favor and head out with Maureen? She thinks she knows where there's some more yams."
Daryl nodded slowly, seeing the girl's face he could tell it wasn't what she had in mind and knew immediately why she was trying to sneak away. "Sure," he replied.
"Ain't what ya had in mind, huh?" Daryl's voice brought Maureen back to the present. She was far away, nervous. Scared shit-less, actually.
"I was just hoping for a little more space. I can't thank you enough for going out yesterday," she gave him a weak smile.
"Wasn't too bad. Killed thirteen walkers."
Maureen's eyes went wide and she stopped in her tracks. "Daryl," she said slowly, slightly scolding.
"What? Not all at once. It was easy, in 'n' out. Figurin' out what I was lookin' for was the hardest part. Don't worry 'bout me so much." He watched her nod. "I'll be over there," he turned and left her.
She stood still, willing herself to move. "Pull it together," she chided herself. She searched for a tree and crouched down behind it.
Pulling the box from her bag, she opened it quickly, discarding the box and scouring the directions. It wasn't her first pregnancy test, but she didn't want to mess up. It wasn't like she had an endless supply. She just had this one. It looked cheap and junky. She wondered if it would even work.
She pulled down her pants and waited. She had to pee, but nothing was coming out. "Fucking Hell," she grumbled. Another thirty seconds and she was able to release a stream of urine, dipping the stick underneath before replacing the cap and pulling up her pants.
Daryl watched her finally emerge, turning away, pacing. He twirled an arrow between his thumb and forefinger.
Maureen sat still, against a tree and waited. She didn't dare look at the test before the two minutes were up. She felt like she was going to throw up.
She looked at the trees, the canopy. The way the sunlight kaleidoscoped through the trees with the passing clouds. Daryl was a ways away, jabbing and prying at the bark of a tree with his buck knife.
It was quiet so Daryl decided to turn around cast a watchful glance Maureen's way. He turned just in time to see her reach for the test and froze, unable to turn away and give her anymore privacy.
She pulled her knees to her chest and slowly raised the stick. She stared at it for a moment. Daryl stood, not breathing. He watched her lower the stick and exhale, he felt himself start to smile, thinking her calm was good thing. Her hand went to her chest. He couldn't tell if she was relieved.
He took a step forward before he heard her little voice become louder than he'd even heard it be, "Shit, shit, shit," she yelled the last word and threw the test several yards away. Her hands briefly flew to her face, then tugged at her hair as she stood, turning in a tight circle and kicked at the leaves before dropping back to the ground. "God damn it, fuck." There was something about hearing something so delicate saying those words, stabbing through the quiet forest with their potency.
Daryl's heart sunk. He watched her curl in on herself, looking even smaller. He knew.
She was still when he reached her, panting and hugging herself. She stood when her came to her side, their eyes meeting, fear in her's and pity in his.
His hands reached for her, making contact with her shoulder. "Don't touch me," her voice was shrill as she jerked away from him. She buried her face in the crook of her arm.
She was pregnant.
She was pregnant and scared.
She was pregnant and scared and sick with heartache.
A baby didn't deserve this. To be born in this kind of a place with a girl like her for a mother. To be a rape baby instead of a little bundle of joy.
"I can't do it," she uttered, the words muffled by her arm. It was real. This was really happening. "I don't want it."
Daryl didn't know what to say. There was nothing that he could do. He didn't dare reach back out to touch her.
"No," her voice wailed. Daryl crouched and let his head hang. She sounded like she was mourning a death. Her quiet crying was the only sound around them.
Daryl lifted his head, rage filling his chest and head. He hated the men who did this to her. If they ever crossed paths, they better pray that he'd simply shoot them and not draw it out. People couldn't get away with this, with hurting his people.
He stood and paced, wanting to punch something or throw something. He wanted to cause those men a world of hurt. What if no one had ever found her? If they hadn't found her. She'd be pregnant and on her own. She'd be a dead girl walking.
He stood still for a long time with fists balled. When he turned around he faltered, Maureen's eyes boring holes into him. She looked exhausted and the sun hadn't even reached the highest point in the sky yet.
"Come on," he walked slowly to her, gently waving her to him like a wounded animal. "Come on, Sweetheart."
Maureen shook her head, her lip quivering. "Just leave me here."
"No." He was firm but not confrontational which took a lot out of him not to sound impatient. That wasn't an option. He couldn't return with out her. It was his job while they were together to keep her safe. "You have to talk to Hershel."
Coaxing wasn't working, but after threatening to carry her the whole way back to the Ark she began to walk. She watched as the man bent to pick up the test and slip it into his pocket, the proof.
Rick noticed the girl's flushed cheeks as they returned and looked to Daryl who avoided his stares and guided the girl to Hershel where he was sitting on the bed of the truck. "Will you excuse us?" Hershel asked Beth who glanced at her father before getting up to leave. However, before she left, she ran a hand over Maureen's messy locks and down to her shoulder, sensing that something was terribly wrong.
Rick approached, watching Maureen's lack of a response to Beth and steadied himself. Daryl waited, hoping that she would say something, anything, but she stared at the ground, looking something like shame and unease.
"What's going on?" Rick demanded an answer.
Daryl shifted his weight, his hand going to his pocket, but he waited briefly to pull out the pregnancy test. He prodded her elbow, but nothing. He simply withdrew the test from his pocket and placed it on the flat surface of the truck bed and departed from the group. Rick ran a hand through his hair and Maureen's face screwed up in pain, trying to hold back her tears. She turned her head away from the men and pressed her cheek into her shoulder, wishing Daryl hadn't left her side.
Rick swung around to the man he'd put so much confidence in, "You knew about this?"
There were a set of long discussions that followed. Mostly involving Hershel, Carol and Lori joined in several times, trying to offer at least a modicum of comfort to the girl.
She was shutting down after several hours of conversation. They recognized that. Carol led the girl to the Chevy, making sure to tuck her in well, she climbed in with her and allowed her to rest her head in her lap.
"It'll be okay," she whispered soothingly.
"I'm going to be a terrible mother," Maureen croaked.
Carol stroked her red hair and untangled a knot. "You'll do just fine."
"No, it will hate me. If I can even keep it alive."
"That baby is going to love you."
"What if I can't love it?"
Carol felt her eyes sting with impending tears. "You will. You may think you can't, but when you see that sweet little face for the first time, it won't matter where it came from."
Maureen sniffed and dragged a hand across her forehead. Her eyes could barely stay open. "You'll hear it cry for the first time," Carol continued, "and you'll just want to wrap it up. It's instinct. You'll just feel this rush of love. And you'll look at it's little nose, eyes, fingers and think about how it's a little part of you. All yours and no one else's. A little version of this sweet thing right here," she pointed at Maureen and then stroked her arm.
The girl let out a sound like a sob mixed with a relieved laugh. Maybe Carol was right.
"We're here for you. You don't have to feel alone." Carol wiped a tear from her chin before it fell on the girl's head. "You didn't have to keep it a secret, Baby." The woman felt the girl's pain. She fed off her emotions, feeling exhausted as well.
Time passed agonizingly slow, inching along week by week. Maureen felt useless most of time. Her days were spent with Lori, gaining a new appreciation of how it felt to be her. They were in charge of what could be considered household tasks. Things like laundry, cooking, organizing. They were necessary things, but she couldn't help but feel depressed and burdensome. The most she felt useful in the past three weeks was when the group headed out on a scouting mission and she got to be look-out for the Chevy while they stopped to look at the the map.
Everyone treated Maureen like a breakable figurine, placing her high on a shelf and never taking her out to play. The only person who didn't do this was Daryl. He never spoke down to her, never treated her like she was incapable of doing anything, or like she was crazy. He knew she was having trouble adjusting to her new role in the group. Couldn't be easy going from a provider to being provided for.
He returned from a lone hunt, he'd covered more ground than normal and stayed away overnight in a house two miles from the Ark. He was rewarded with three squirrels and a raccoon. It was only the second time he'd gone hunting in two weeks, spending most of the time with the group scouting the area for other places to live for the winter.
Maureen was draping freshly laundered clothing over the line when he turned the corner, catching her eye. She waved to him. From a distance she looked bigger than he remembered when he left although he'd been gone no more than 48 hours. He wondered if she was still constantly nauseous. When he left she was still having trouble finding things she could keep down.
You had to know she was pregnant to really be able to tell. Hershel was guessing she was about ten weeks, maybe eleven. She had a bump starting.
Emotionally, she was blocking things out, she didn't talk about it to anyone. She rarely smiled, but she looked healthy. Her cheeks were fuller and rosier. He'd make her smile. He couldn't stand it when those blue eyes turned grey.
"Got a 'coon," he said holding up the masked animal.
"That's," Maureen paused, smiling at him and raising her eyebrows, "mmm!"
He smiled at her attempt at acting excited at the prospect of eating raccoon for dinner. "Don' worry, tastes like turkey mostly," he teased, scrunching his nose and leaning in. He brushed his thumb along her face as he headed around the back of the lockers to set up for cleaning the animals.
"Hey! You got coon scuz on me!" She took her sleeve and rubbed at her face, pretending to look mad, but failing.
"Better get used to that 'cause you're gon' to help me clean 'em."
"I am?" Maureen was surprised, Daryl was meticulous about cleaning and skinning. He never let anyone help. He always said anyone else would carve 'em up.
"How're you feelin'?"
Maureen stood, waiting for Daryl to tell her what to do. "Okay," she said. Daryl was spreading out a trash bag to clean the game over. He laid out his knives and sat indian-style on the ground.
"Ya ain't gonna pass out or nothin' right?" Sometimes people got queasy when they started cutting.
She looked down at him, her hand on her belly where she always found it now, resting there. "I'll be fine." She pulled her hand away from her baby.
"Sit," he said after nodding. Maureen was about to sit across from him. "No, next to me."
She moved next to him and he set a squirrel in front of each of them. He took his knife and precisely made a long incision down the belly of the mammal. He turned to her and handed her the knife, "Now you do that."
Maureen glanced from Daryl, to the knife, to the squirrel, and then back to Daryl. "You're just doin' this to be nice," she said, her face cheerless.
"You've been outta sorts, just thought you'd want to help."
"I'll just be in the way."
"Stop that."
Maureen was silent as he pried her hand open and placed the knife inside, closing his hand around her's and helping her make the cut.
"I did it!" Maureen looked down at the third squirrel, fully skinned and gutted, all her doing.
"And ya didn't even butcher it," Daryl flipped the squirrel over and admired her work. "Not bad at all for a firs' timer."
Maureen peered up at him, "Thanks teach'," she delighted. She watched him make quick work of the raccoon. Examining his hands, his movements and the concentration that covered his face. His muscles rippled and flexed as he removed the hide.
"Haven't seen ya drawin' lately," he said, making conversation.
He paused his work, assessing her features when she didn't respond. She broke her own thought, shaking her head and sucking in air. "Just haven't been in the mood. Are you happy to get back to hunting by yourself?"
Daryl thought, "'S alright." There were aspects he liked about it and ones he didn't. "Stop 'at," he said.
"Stop what? I'm not doing anything."
"Yeah y'are. Stop smilin' at me like that."
She scoffed, "Why?" He looked at her again, noticing she was still grinning.
"'Cause it's obnoxious."
She laughed, "Sorry."
"Damn it, Girl, what'd I say 'bout apologizin'?"
"Not to do it," she answered matter-of-factly. "That wasn't a real apology though." They were silent for a few more seconds. "You're gonna hurt my feelings if you keep this up, Daryl. Com'mon admit it," she said nudging a shoulder in his direction, "you kinda like me."
"No, I don'." He shot back quickly. She was taunting him.
"Sure ya don't," she rolled her eyes.
"Naw, you're annoyin' as Hell. Twirlin' ya hair and bitin' ya lip. Ain't my fault you got a voice 'at sounds like dewdrops on a flower. It's damn annoyin' is what it is. And that laugh," he growled grumpily.
Maureen stopped short, her mouth dropping open as she watched him work. "Daryl Dixon," he stopped too and spun his head to look at her. He glanced back in direction of the group, but they were much out of sight. "Dewdrops on a flower?" She smiled, hard. She felt her cheeks blush.
He waved dismissively at her, narrowing his eyes. "Stop it. Focus, you're distractin' me. And I mean it, stop laughin'." He felt the heat rise to his cheeks, he was actually blushing! Damn it, he thought. He sounded like an idiot.
"Yes, Sir." He glanced over one more time before shaking his head at her. "So, what exactly do dewdrops on a flower sound like?" She couldn't resist. Normally she wouldn't do this, but their jesting was all in good fun and it helped to lighten the mood. There tended to be more awkward moments between the two of them than casual ones.
"Didn't mean it as a compliment."
Her only response was to jut out her bottom lip and make a sad face.
Hershel combed a hand through his growing beard and meandered over to where Maureen and Lori were sitting.
"How are you two fairing today," he smiled genuinely as he approached.
Lori was the first to respond, "Not half bad." The woman smiled in happiness as Hershel nodded and looked to Maureen.
The girl fidgeted and played with her hair. "I'm okay," she said tentatively. Lori glanced curiously at Hershel and then back to Maureen.
Hershel used a markedly gentle approach when it came to Maureen. She was more inclined to discuss her symptoms than how she was feeling mentally. He'd hoped to make more progress in that department by now, but he didn't have high hopes. "Your nausea is better today?"
"Yeah, it's been better. I've been a little uncomfortable though."
"How so?" Hershel leaned forward and held out a hand to get a pulse rate.
"Some cramping, but," she leaned forward as well and rolled her eyes to play off her embarrassment. "I think I'm just constipated."
Hershel chuckled slightly along with Lori who knowingly nodded. "That's considerably normal. Let's check you out though just to be sure."
Maureen appreciated how caring and thorough the man was. She felt cared for and that was much more to be said for in a long time. "Pressure here?" She nodded as he palpated her stomach.
Hershel sat back and rubbed his hands together slowly. "Well, Maureen, from what I can tell everything seems fine."
She nodded, "But? There's a but, right?"
"But, I want you to be aware that the chance of miscarriage at this stage in the pregnancy is at its highest." He waited to see some amount of worry cross her features, but it didn't. "Why don't we go for a little walk," he suggested and stood, nodding to Lori.
The two strolled up and down the lines of units, weaving their way through. Maureen was silent which he expected.
"It's been a long few weeks," Hershel admired.
"Yeah." Maureen let her feet scuff along the pavement.
"The weather is changing. Are you nervous about going through the Winter being pregnant?"
She stared at the trees which were gripping tightly to the last of their leaves. "I'm just nervous in general. I'll be fine."
"Sometimes we tell ourselves things will be fine and it helps, but sometimes we do the same and it hinders," he observed.
She stopped and he followed suit. "It doesn't seem real." Hershel waited for her to go on, letting it come naturally. "I feel like my entire life has been made up of things that I don't want and that I can't control. I just wanted to live for a while."
"You think you're going to die?"
"No, I mean that I just wanted to feel alive for a while. And this feel like the end."
"I see a girl with an abundance of potential."
This brought out a feeble smile. "I don't."
"I also see a girl with so much pain," he continued. "Life will throw things at you that you can't change, but I've found it best not to resist. That only creates sorrow and loathing. People will treat you badly, cause you pain. Let God sort out what to do with them, otherwise the hate in your soul will consume you too."
Maureen soaked in his wealth of knowledge. Hershel was almost Grandfatherly to her. That was something she'd never had. Her mother had her young and her parents hadn't approved of that, causing a great deal of divide amongst the family. "It was always just me and my mom," she finally spoke. "I never wanted a child, but if I ever did I hoped that I could give it a real family. A real home. How can I bring a child into this world? I don't understand how Lori remains so hopeful."
Hershel thought for a moment. It wasn't ideal by any means. Before, death was a part of life, still unavoidable, but much less the center of their everyday. Now, even treading lightly was a danger. "Death needs a counterweight," he shook his head, looking off into the distance. "We have to have hope."
