Disclaimer – I own nothing, but it would be pretty cool if I did, wouldn't it?
A.N. – You guys are awesome. Seriously! Let me tell you right now that I just couldn't help myself, and since you guys have shown so much support, I'd figure you deserved two updates instead of just one this month. Especially since it's Spring Break for me, I finally have time to just relax and write without rush. Note: I do want to apologize if the build up to the sex scene last chapter was more than the actual event—I know, I know! Don't shoot! I'm just not a smut kind of person, and so I'd rather leave the details of that to your imagination than attempt to write it out and botch it up epically.
Also, rest assured, there is more than this, even though it's not written yet, but it WILL come sometime this week. For now, enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think! Now, to catch up on some review responses…
Review Responses: Irishwoman101 – I am sooo honored that I am the first review you've ever given! Seriously, you have no idea how brightly that made me smile. Glad you're enjoying it, and hope this chapter is up to par with your standards.
poetryismyfirstlove – I'm glad to know you enjoyed chapter 10. By now you know what happens, I'm sure: they have sex. Haha. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and it wasn't too much on the deepness scale (wouldn't want to overdo it).
JJsMommy27, 00-night-eyes-00, roganjalex, Addicted2ItAll, fanaserie, clg1978, jbarbosa12, broadway89, jane, Melissamax22, luvnliason08, predatorynature, AlphaChica, addy – For those of you who are repeat reviewers, I LOVE YOU!, and for those of you who are new to my story, thank you for joining me on this journey! All reviews are highly appreciated and are taken to heart. Being a reviewer (and sometimes silent reader) of other stories I understand that you take time out of your busy day to review, so THANK YOU! Everyone who favorites, follows, and/or reviews have my deep gratitude; it keeps me going!
/I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the lines.
Maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want.
And I still have your letter just got caught between
Someone I just invented, who I really am and who I've become.
And now I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone.
And now I do want you to know I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you./
-Good to You, Marianas Trench
Chapter 12 – The Morning After
There was so much to say. A thousand words that make up an essay flitter through Rory's mind, but she doesn't speak. She doesn't say a word. She breathes. Inhale. Exhale. She breathes like breathing is something new, and she doesn't quite understand it yet.
She's not breathing on her own—Tristan is breathing beside her. He breathes, deeply. He breathes like it's something precious, because he is not alone. His arms are around Rory, and her head is tucked underneath his chin.
They are together. They are together and they didn't know how they got there, but they know that they are.
Rory breathes, and is afraid to break the silence.
She's so scared of what it all means. She flew, and dove, and held on to Tristan for as long as she could, but the magic is gone. The stars that had fluttered behind her eyes are dead, and awkwardness threatens to settle in where passion had once been.
"I'm not the guy that you think I am," Tristan breaks the silence from left field; he's always been the brave type. Rory has no idea what he's talking about, but any conversation is better than the fear of talking about last night.
"What do you mean?" she whispers. She's so scared he's right.
"I fixed the drug problem," he starts. Rory starts to smile but he shakes his head and pulls her closer, holds her tighter. "I fixed the problem at the cost of a good man's future."
Rory had options: she could ask him what he meant, ask for explanations that she hasn't necessarily earned, or she could kiss him, and forget he ever said anything. But that's not who she wants to be. That's not who she wants to become: the girl who doesn't need to know; Louise. She loves Louise, and Louise has proven herself to be an awesome friend, but Rory isn't Louise and she's not Lorelai. She's herself—the girl who loves books, and loves Tristan's kisses.
"I'm sure you did what you had to do. You wouldn't have done it if you had another choice," Rory tried to find a middle ground. She tried to find a middle ground, but her brain just kept booming and shouting at her 'what are you, now?'
Rory can't let insecurities settle in. They were Tristan and Rory, unstoppable, reckless, and in so deep with each other that the heavens would fall from the sky before they would break. They wouldn't break. They couldn't. Could they? No. Never.
But maybe they could. Rory plunged into another unknown world last night with the hope that they would be stronger than ever. Rory had plunged to prove that she wanted him. She had taken a step towards heaven, forgetting that no one had taught her how to fly and come down safely.
"That's the thing, Mary. I did have another choice. I had another choice, but I'm such a fucking coward," he exhaled raggedly. Rory tried to look up at him, but he couldn't let her see how weak he really was. He wanted to cry so bad, because of his shame, but he couldn't let anyone see. He had too much pride. But he could share—he could give her the option of hating him.
"You're not a coward!" Rory tried to defend him, but he wouldn't let her soothe him. He wouldn't let her see him, and she knew that something wasn't right. Fear held her in its grasp, but she couldn't give in.
"I am, Mare. I really am, and you have no idea." He choked up for a moment, but held it together. "You saw me last night. I was smiling! I was smiling, and laughing, and it's because I'm a coward. That good guy? That could have been me, Mary, but I didn't—I didn't…I was laughing and smiling, and it never occurred to me last night how much of a fucking coward I am, until I woke up and thought about it. It's stupid, but the more I think, the more I realize that I railroaded a friend. Just so it wouldn't have to be me. I didn't see it yesterday, but I see it now. I'm not the guy you think I am."
He was speaking in circles around her, trying to explain without explaining, but that wasn't Rory. She cared so deeply for him, and she didn't even know when it happened. All she knew is that they were in this together and if she was ashamed, then they would be ashamed together. It was the only way to survive.
"Tell me" Rory broke from his tight embrace and looked him in the eye. She saw the pain in them and the flood that threatened to break him, and it tore at her heart. He was the unbreakable one, or at least she always thought.
It was a heady moment for Rory, the soon to be adult, to realize that even strong men can break. Everyone breaks. She felt like an idiot for stressing over a potentially awkward situation, and wondering where they stood with each other when Tristan had been dealing with so much.
She felt like she had failed him somehow. All she could do was strive to never fail him again. Never again.
"Please," she pleaded. Her eyes ripped him to pieces, and he couldn't deny her; he had never been good at denying his Mary.
"Finn. I—" Tristan cleared his throat. He was nervous, afraid she would leave him and never come back. He remembered Lorelai's insinuation to him, what felt like a lifetime ago: You're not good enough for her. He remembered and it chipped pieces off his pride to know she was so right. "Word had gotten out that our side of Hartford might have owners pretty soon, and that just made things worse – we didn't mean to be so loud about it all, but we were worried and wanted answers. Suddenly there were a hell of a lot of people trying to sell around these parts—can you picture it? Dealers in front of Chilton?"
He shook his head and paused for a moment. Rory did picture it, and what she saw made her skin crawl. She didn't want to live in that world: a world she didn't know. She almost craved the comfort of her mother, a steady constant in the world that was forever changing.
Too much change.
"Anyway," Tristan spoke, "Long story short, things were getting crazy. We can't trust gangs to supply certain drugs and not others. We just can't, Mary, and I'm sorry because I know you wanted us to find another way than to get physically involved, but…sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to…"
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay, I know you tried. I know," Rory rubbed her palm over his chest. "What happened?"
"After a lot of talk, we all came to one conclusion," he sighed. It was a bone deep sigh that told Rory how tired he was. He was too tired to be sixteen. He was too tired to be the cocky king she had met on a sunny day. "Someone would have to take one for the team. One of us would have to give up our bright and clean future to be the front man."
Rory heard what he didn't say: he couldn't give up his future, not for her, not for anybody. He just couldn't. But when he looked into her eyes, Tristan didn't see recrimination. He saw hope; she understood too well, because she wouldn't have been able to do it either.
"I wish I could say it came down to drawing straws," he continued, "but it didn't. Duncan's my friend, ya know, but, frankly, he's just too fucking stupid to play the part he would need to for what we need. That left me and Finn. And he looked at me with this smile—he trusts me so completely—and I wish I had been the better man. I wish I could say I had tried to take the spot, but I didn't. I looked at him and told him that it's between me and him."
"He volunteered," Rory guessed correctly. "That's not up to you! That's not your fault, Tristan." She wanted to reassure him, and go back to simple moments of debating in his car about his choice of music.
Rory could feel his heartbeat, steady and larger than life. She felt his heartbeat, and she wondered what he was made of. What was he made of that he could shoulder so much…she wants to cry for the sixteen year old boy that he is.
"Him volunteering isn't my fault, but I let him. I nodded, Mary." Tristan acknowledged truth, in a bed where there had been so many lies over past with other women. "Finn's like my brother, and I let him volunteer. He trusts me so completely, and with a look I railroaded him into volunteering. My brother." Tristan finished ashamedly.
Rory couldn't understand his shame—she wasn't there. She wanted to so badly, but she couldn't, and so she focused on what she could understand.
"So what's gonna happen, now?"
"We're gonna be smart, is what's gonna happen," He said ruthlessly. "We're gonna make this transition smooth, and quiet. We've been too loud about everything lately, because we honestly had hoped that we wouldn't have to get our hands dirty. We were so fucking stupid, Mare. But we—I won't be that dumb again. That's a promise. I'm gonna protect all of us. I will"
His tone was sharp and fierce, and Rory believed him. She believed him so fully, that for once, she understood Louise's sentiment the other day about trust. In this moment, Rory trusted that Tristan would be smart, and he would take care of everything. He didn't need her to be with him, just to be strong for him in moments like these when he couldn't be strong for himself.
"I know you will, I know. Just…can you tell me?" Rory hesitated. She didn't want to push, but couldn't help herself. She didn't want to be separate in anything.
"It might be better if I don't. Finn's gonna be the one doing the real dirty work, but my hands won't be squeaky clean anymore. You're better than that."
He meant it. He meant it with every fiber in his being, but Rory could care less. Her mother had always pretty much played it safe with men, after Christopher. Lorelai would probably tell Rory to heed Tristan's warning and back off. But Rory wasn't Lorelai. Not anymore. She couldn't act on what Lorelai would do…she had to act on her own—find her own way.
It was this moment that Rory understood what all her insecurities had been about all along. She didn't know her path; she knew that she would go to Harvard one day, and that she would be a successful journalist, and that she would have everything an independent woman dreams of…but something about that path seemed too predictable. Something about that path seemed too Dean-ish. Normal. Plain.
There was no fire in that path, no heat and life. She had to find her own way, and as Rory's heart thumped in sync with Tristan's she knew that even if she did end up in that path….she had to try for another. Just try.
"You jump, I jump, Jack" Rory quipped. Tristan chuckled, and shook his head in awe.
"You cheating on me, Mary?" he smirked.
"Wouldn't we have to be 'official' for that?" Rory said innocently.
"Mary, we're so fucking passed 'official' that I'm pretty sure my name is written somewhere on your body" he joked, but there was a seriousness in his eyes. It said it all.
Rory licked her lips and searched for his as they descended upon her. It was swift, territorial, and a marking that seared Rory's DNA.
"You can't distract me with kisses," Rory lied badly. Her breath was ragged and her chest rose and fell in shallow inhales and exhales.
"True, but I'm sure there's coffee somewhere around here," Tristan teased. It was light, and so drastically different from their conversation a moment ago that Rory almost caught whiplash—but she saw: Through it all, he was just a boy. He needed things to be normal sometimes, and she could do that for him. That she could do.
"Coffee? Where?" Rory self-mockingly went to get up in excitement.
Tristan's laughter was the best answer he could've given her.
~TBC~
A.N. – Soooo, what do you think? This is shorter than my usual update, but I couldn't help myself (plus you're getting another one this week). Was it too serious? I didn't really proof read, but I did notice that I changed tenses from the beginning in the middle, but I'm honestly too tired to change it (but I did notice it!). Maybe it's time to get a beta? What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Let me know and Review!
