Chapter 11 – Unstable

I felt like I was dying.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall at the movies, and I honestly felt like the entire world was caving in on me.

I sobbed harder than I ever had before as I shakily fished out a tampon from my purse, and tried to put it in.

I wasn't in any physical pain, but the emotional blow from getting my period was completely devastating and hurt worse than any physical pain ever could. I was so sure it was going to work. I had believed it with every fiber of my being. But I was wrong and I felt completely and utterly hopeless.

Emmett was going to die, and my family would forever be broken…and it was my fault because I failed at saving him.

I just didn't understand it. Edward had sex with me, it should have worked. Was it all really for nothing? I was going to lose my brother, but because of my stupidity I also lost Edward. If I never forced him to have sex with me, if I never put him in that horrible position, he'd still be there for me. Losing my brother would hurt forever, but perhaps it would have been just a little easier with Edward there for support. He made everything easier. But he was gone; if not physically, he was no longer emotionally available for me and it was only a matter of time before he left completely.

I ruined everything.

"Hey Bella, is that you?" I heard Rose's voice carry from outside the stall.

I immediately tried to quiet my cries, but it hurt so bad to hold them in.

"Bella?" she asked again. I could see her feet right outside the little door now, but I couldn't make myself stop. "Bella, what's wrong, what happened?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I sobbed.

"No you're not. If you don't open this door I'm going to kick it in," she warned me.

"Ok, just give me a minute," I cried. I finished with my tampon and then pulled up my pants before unlocking the door.

"Hey," she said soothingly. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly as I continued to sob. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, hoping she'd understand that I just couldn't tell her.

And thankfully, she did. "Ok…it's going to be ok. Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be fine," she cooed.

"That's the thing…it's not going to be ok."

"Bella, whatever it is, you can tell me," she said softly.

I shook my head again. "I'm sorry, Rose, but can you just take me home?"

She sighed. "Yeah, of course."

Rose drove me home while I tried to calm myself down, but right when I felt like I was in control, something would remind me of Emmett and I would start crying all over again.

Without warning, Rose pulled over three blocks from my house, and turned off the car. "Look, I get that you feel like you can't tell me certain things, hell, we all have secrets, but this is the second time in less than a month that I've driven you home while you were sobbing. What's going on Bella? You can trust me."

Could I really?

What if I could tell her? What if I could finally get everything off my chest and confide in someone. Just a month ago I could confide in Edward; I told him just about everything, but that relationship was ruined now and I knew I'd never get it back. Would I ruin what was left of my relationship with Rose if I told her the truth? Could Edward's freedom be in jeopardy if I told her what we had done? She could go to the police. She could tell my dad. I couldn't risk it.

"Bella…whatever it is…it'll stay between you and me," Rose assured me.

I couldn't tell her anything, and yet, without my permission I found myself letting it escape.

I told her absolutely everything.

I was so disappointed in myself for opening up, for putting Edward at risk like that, but I was choking on that secret and I was afraid of what would happen if I continued to hold it in.

When my story got to the end…the period, I just sat there and let it all sink in, but surprisingly, I had somehow stopped crying.

"So…wow," Rose said after a few minutes. "You…and Edward…wow." She was having trouble forming a rational thought, but I guess that was to be expected. "And that's why you've been so upset? Because you're trying to have a baby?"

"I know it sounds crazy," I told her. "But…"

"I don't think it's crazy at all," she said unexpectedly. "I think it's incredible. I mean, if you honestly think it'll work, then who's to tell you that it won't. Sometimes these things don't make sense, but those are the things that are the most amazing. It's called faith, Bella, and no one should try to take that away from you."

I laughed once with a mix of relief and humor. "Too bad you're not a guy, you could have been my baby daddy."

She laughed too. "I may not have understood it if I were a guy either. They just don't have the same intuition as us chicks do. We can't really fault them for it."

I bit my lower lip. "I guess not."

"And you have to see it from Edward's perspective. I mean, his ass is on the line here; he could seriously go to jail for this and that would affect the rest of his life. Thirty five years from now he could end up being just like your creeper neighbor next door because of his decision to have sex with you," she said, taking me aback. I honestly didn't think about that. I knew he could go to jail, but I didn't think he could be stigmatized for the rest of his life. "And not only that," she added. "Emmett asked him to take care of you, and to a brother that means making sure you don't get knocked up. Think how that's got to be screwing with Edward's head a bit. He failed at the one job that his best friend asked him to do, and even worse, he's the one that knocked you up…or almost did anyway."

"So…you really think his biggest problem is feeling like he betrayed Em's trust?" I asked her, still not entirely convinced. "And being worried about jail, of course."

"I think so. What else could it be?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, he's probably completely grossed out by it. I mean, I'm not exactly up to the same standard he's always dated before."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously Bella? Hella guys at school want you. If you didn't snub your nose up at everyone, you would have had a few different boyfriends by now."

"I don't snub my nose up at people," I said, shocked she would even think such a thing.

"You never say hi to people, and when anyone tries to talk to you, you end the conversation as quickly as possible. People think you feel like you're better than everyone else. Like you don't want to waste your time with people who are beneath you."

"I never meant to give off that impression," I said honestly. "I'm just…I don't know…shy, I guess. I'm always worried people are going to think I'm an idiot, so I don't even try to be friendly."

"You can't be afraid of people, Bella, cuz then you'll just end up alone."

"I already am alone," I replied quietly.

"No you're not, you have me," she said with a cheesy smile.

I forced a smile back at her. "Thanks."

"But I'm not the person you really need right now, am I?" she concluded.

I shook my head. "I'm just really scared that Edward will never get over this. I really need him in my life, Rose…I don't know how to make it without him anymore. He's been my lifeline…I'm going to drown without him."

She shook her head. "You're going to be fine either way. Everything will work out."

"Even if I could make it without him…I don't want to. I miss him, and I don't think that feeling will ever go away."

"Oh my god, Bella Swan… Are you in love with Edward?"

"What? No," I said quickly. "He's just…I don't even know." I tried to think of the perfect way to describe what he meant to me, but no one word could possibly sum it up. Edward had filled every role in my life at one point or another. He was my mom, my dad, my brother, my teacher, my friend, even my lover - albeit a reluctant one, but still. I sighed. "He's…my family."

"You should tell him that. Guys are dense; they don't see what's so blatantly obvious for us."

"Maybe," I said reflectively. I just wasn't sure I wanted to know what his response to something like that would be. I already knew he probably didn't feel anything similar for me, but to actually hear him say it would be heartbreaking.

"So…are you going to try to get pregnant again next month?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I don't know. Getting Edward to do it with me last time was hard enough; I doubt he'll go for it again."

"You'll never know until you talk to him about it."

"He's just been so distant lately….I don't know how to reach him anymore."

"Well, I'm here for you. Anything you need, just let me know."

"Rose?" I asked. "You're not going to tell anyone anything about this, right?"

"Of course not. I already told you, you can trust me."

"Thanks."

"Sure," she told me with a smile.

Rose finished driving me home, but when we got there I was surprised to see Edward sitting on the porch, staring me down with a level of anger that I hadn't seen in him before.

"Wow, he looks pissed at something," Rose said quietly. I knew it had to be bad if Rose even saw it.

"Thanks for the girl's night," I said to her. "I'll see you on Monday."

I got out of the car slowly, and kept my eyes locked on his. It was the most amount of emotion I had seen there in more than a month, I just wished it wasn't such a negative one.

"Hey," I said softly as I walked up the stairs towards him.

"Don't 'hey' me. Where the hell have you been?" he asked angrily.

I didn't respond to him because it was still early evening and I was sure nosey neighbors were out in full force, so I walked past him into the house to have the conversation privately.

He followed me in, and the moment we were inside he started shouting at me. "I've been going out of my mind here! Where the hell have you been?"

"I went…" but he didn't give me time to explain, he cut me off and just kept yelling.

"Is this some teen rebelling shit? You went to that last party to freak me into doing what you wanted me to do, so what was this one? To punish me for not being attentive enough to you lately. Is this some cry for attention or to make me jealous? Because it's not going to fucking work, and if you keep this shit up I'm going to fucking call your dad and tell him that I can't handle this shit anymore!"

"Alright, that's enough!" Rose yelled at him unexpectedly. I didn't even know she had followed me in, and I wasn't sure if I was glad or not. "You're acting like a cave man douche bag. She didn't do anything wrong and she's just had a shit poor excuse of an evening, so shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to her!"

"What happened?" Edward asked me, abruptly turning his anger into protective concern. It was obvious that his emotions were just as unstable as mine were, I only hoped he didn't hate me after what I needed to tell him.

"I went to the movies with Rose," I started quietly, planning on telling him the entire story.

"You went to the movies?" he asked, forcing himself to calm down. "Why didn't you text me or leave a note?"

"I did," I said before going over to the end table and showing him my note sitting by the house phone and remote control. "I really thought you'd find it here."

"Oh," he said ruefully. "I thought…" he paused, and then sighed. "Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that, I really…don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore."

He spun around and sat down while putting his face into his hands. He suddenly looked so small - like a little kid confused as to what was going on in the world around him. I really just wanted to hold him.

"Eh hum," Rose said, reminding us that we weren't alone. I looked at her and smiled reassuringly so she knew I was ok. "Well, I think I'm going to head home," she said, trying to sound casual. "Call me if you need anything."

"Ok, thanks Rose," I said sincerely. "For everything."

She smiled at me again and then shot Edward a warning glare before leaving the house.

"She knows?" he asked me.

I nodded hesitantly. "I wasn't going to tell her, I swear, I just…needed to talk to someone. But we can trust her, she's a good friend."

"I'm glad you have a friend like that," he said softly. "What happened earlier though, she said you had a horrible evening?"

I swallowed hard. "When we were at the movies…I got my period."

Edward's face shifted into what looked like a mix of relief and regret, and then he looked down at his hands. "Bella, I really am sorry," he mumbled. "I know you were really hoping for a different outcome."

"Are you mad?" I asked him carefully.

He looked me in the eye for the first time in what felt like a very long time, and he said – "Bella, why would I ever be mad at you for something like that?"

I shrugged. "Maybe you feel like we did it for nothing. I mean, I convinced you that it was going to work…and it didn't. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me now."

He shook his head. "I could never hate you. You should be the one hating me. The way I've been acting lately…I'm like a fucking lunatic and I don't even know how to control it."

"I just wish we could be the way we were before..." My stomach tightened and flipped unexpectedly. "I miss you," I admitted hesitantly.

"I miss you too," he replied quietly. "Maybe…if we just…I don't know, found a way to forget about it, we could try to get back some of that."

"How could we forget?" I asked skeptically. "And what about….trying again?"

His jaw clinched. "I guess we can't forget….but I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time."

"Then don't," I told him before taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Stop feeling so guilty about it, and just know that it was my decision."

"You're sixteen," he said calmly.

"And you're nineteen," I rebutted. "I mean, jeez Edward, do you really think you're so much older than me that it actually matters?"

"Your first time shouldn't have been like that."

"How should it have been then? At some party with a guy I don't care about and couldn't give a rat's ass about me? Even if we can't save Emmett, I'm not going to regret anything."

"It just should have been with someone who…wasn't me," he said quietly.

Without thinking, I leaned over and hugged myself against his arm. I clung to him like my life depended on it, and thankfully he didn't push me away or tell me off. He just sat there for a moment and let me hold him, and then without warning, he turned his head and kissed my forehead gently. Once again, I knew everything was going to be ok because regardless of anything else, Edward came back for me. I realized in that moment that as long as he was present in my life – truly present and not just the walking dead – the world would keep spinning.

We didn't discuss anything else that night. After a few minutes of us just sitting together in that way, he casually flipped on the TV and surfed through the channels until he found something he figured we'd both like. I didn't let him go while we watched, I just rested my head on his shoulder and was perfectly content for the first time in a very long time.

Nothing about conceiving a donor was resolved, and I had no idea if he'd be willing to try again the following month, but it didn't matter at that moment. Live one day at a time and worry about the future later - that was what he had said to me before, and that's just what we were going to do.