The Place You Alone Can Fill
By AmboDriver
Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.
A/N: Sorry yet again for the delay. I just haven't really been in much of a writing mood so getting these chapters out is just not flowing as well as I'd like. But I'm going to keep plugging away at this, I promise.
Thanks, as always, for all your kind words in your reviews and all the follows. I really, really appreciate it.
Chapter 12
"Arizona, I'm scared," Brandon said as they rode the elevator up to the floor where the ICU was located.
Word had come in that Rob had made it through his surgery, but that he would be unconscious for at least a day but more likely a few while his body struggled to heal. When Bailey had come into the lounge to give them the news, she'd tried to explain to Brandon that his brother needed help breathing and that as long as the ventilator was pumping air into his lungs it was safer to keep him unconscious. Brandon had just nodded but it was apparent that he didn't really seem to understand. Arizona was mentally kicking herself for not taking a few more moments to make sure that he understood while they were still in the safety of the lounge, but had instead given in to his insistence that he just wanted to see Rob. Just as she was about to say something the elevator came to a halt and the doors opened. "Okay, come with me," she said as she took his hand and slowly led him out of the elevator, but no further. She pulled him to the far side of the hall, leaning up against the wall to take pressure off both her leg and her arm from the single crutch she was using to help her balance. It took her a minute to swallow down the nausea that was churning in her stomach before she could trust herself to speak. "Brandon, it's okay to be scared. This is all very, very scary. When we go in there, he's going to be attached to a lot of wires and there will be a tube in his mouth that's helping him breathe. You'll hear some beeping, which is from the sensors reading his heartbeat and you'll hear the ventilator pushing air into his lungs. You can talk normally so don't feel like you have to whisper or anything. They're giving him medication to make him sleep so you won't wake him up. And I want you to ask me anything, okay? Nothing is a dumb question."
Brandon nodded, a deep frown on his normally happy features. "Okay," he said as he looked down the hallway and sighed heavily. "Okay," he repeated quietly. He sniffled and blinked, fixing his face into a serious expression as he took a deep breath. He looked back up at her and nodded. "We can go now."
She couldn't help but smile at how brave he was trying to be. She reached out and gave his hair a quick ruffle before turning and leading him down the hall slowly, concentrating on each step as she went. As they walked, she could feel eyes on her from all her colleagues, and she tried to push the feeling of being the freak show out of her head, but it was incredibly hard to ignore how self-conscious she felt. It certainly didn't help that she felt weak and sick to her stomach on top of dealing with being in the hospital, in the place she had always thought of as her second home but now hated more than almost anywhere on Earth. If she could just disappear right then, she would, and if it weren't for Brandon she certainly would be far from the hospital, but she needed to be there for the young boy. He'd already helped her immeasurably in her own recovery, so now she needed to grab a little of her old self back so she could be there for him.
Finally, they made it to the room where Rob was recovering. She looked down at him and then pointed into the open door. "Go ahead when you're ready." Taking a step to the side, she waited for him to make the first move.
Brandon's grey eyes were wide with fear but then he set his jaw and gave the smallest of nods as he looked up at her. Then he took a deep breath and moved into the room, Arizona following him closely to the point of almost running into him when he came to a quick stop just inside. "Rob," he whispered.
She put her free arm on his shoulder and squeezed even as her eyes instantly took in everything—the steady beat of the cardio monitor, the hiss of the ventilator pushing air in and out of Rob's lungs, the numbers on the monitors that all showed he was quite stable, and then finally the pallor of his face. Gone was the vibrant young man who had so often sat with her while they waited for Bran to be done his physical therapy. Now he had that look so many of the sickest and most injured patients had when they were first beginning their recovery. She was sure she had looked similar in the first few days after the crash herself. But she knew it was just a matter of time until his physical appearance returned to a more normal hue. "Brandon, he's strong. And do you see that computer monitor up there? All those numbers and those squiggly lines, well they all tell me that he's really doing pretty well. I can't promise anything, I wish I could, but I've been a doctor for a pretty long time now and I'm sure he'll pull through."
Brandon nodded and then he suddenly moved away to go stand at his brother's side. He looked back at her with fear and pain in his eyes. "Can I touch him?"
She nodded. "Yeah, just his arm though," she whispered as she moved over to the other side of the bed. She busied herself taking a more thorough look at the monitors, trying to give Bran some small amount of privacy.
"I'm sorry, Rob. This is my fault," he said and then sobs started to overtake him as Arizona's head shot in his direction. "I'm sorry."
She moved as quickly as she could around the bed and gathered him in her arms, letting her crutch fall against Rob's bed. "Hey, Bran, no this isn't your fault." In a way, Arizona wondered if it was in some way actually her fault for having Rob help her get those drugs. She had thought that almost immediately but had tried to push that guilt aside, knowing how unpredictable life could be in the far seedier areas of town, because she just couldn't handle that kind of guilt on top of the pain. But to think that Bran was feeling even a fraction of that guilt broke her heart. "Nothing you did could have caused this," she said as she reached behind her to pull over a chair. She sat down, finally on his level, and took his face in her hands so he would be forced to look at her. When she was sure that he was really seeing her, hearing her, she repeated, "You did nothing wrong."
"I spilled all the milk and so he went out to get some more because I'll only eat cereal for breakfast." He leaned forward into Arizona, his arms wrapping around her neck even as she pulled him into a huge hug. "If I hadn't spilled the milk he wouldn't be dying."
She pulled his head tightly into her shoulder and kissed the crown of his head before putting her lips right next to his ear. "Brandon, listen to me. You didn't cause this. It was just bad luck. And he's not dying. He's getting better, okay? Miranda got the bullet out and fixed all the problems like she told us. He just needs to get a little stronger." She paused before saying, "You got stronger, right? Rob will, too. You're both such fighters."
"Why, Arizona?" he said as he sniffled loudly. "Why did we both get shot? That's not fair."
"No, Bran, it's not fair," she whispered as she nodded with her cheek against his hair. "Life isn't always fair and I'm sorry about that." It was such a horrible truth for a ten year-old to have to learn, and now Brandon had seen it twice in only about a year's time. Over the years she had seen her share of tragedy, had dealt with children who had been in car crashes themselves and lost one or both parents at the same time, had put kids back together who had been attacked in some of the most horrific ways, and it ripped her heart out every single time. But this was the first time she had let herself purely care about the child on a personal level instead of on a medical one. She wasn't Bran's doctor, she was his friend and he was hers, and that made this so much more horrific to watch happen. How fate could be so cruel as to hit this amazing little kid not once but twice she had no idea. "Come here," she said as she pulled him to sit on her lap.
As he leaned back into her chest, both of them watching Rob, he asked, "Are you sure he'll wake up?"
"Brandon, let me tell you something," she said as she shifted his weight so he was sitting primarily on her right leg. "I've been working with kids as a doctor for about as long as you've been alive. And in those ten or so years I've met some really amazing kids, some smart kids, some brave kids, some caring kids. You are all of those things and more and so is your brother." She felt him turn his head to look back at her and she laughed quietly. "I promised you I'd tell you the truth, not only because I don't want to lie to you, but because I think you're old enough and smart enough to understand." She wrapped her arms tightly around his chest. "I can't promise you that your brother is going to wake up or that he'll get better. I think you understand that sometimes things happen that we didn't see coming. But I'll tell you this. If nothing unexpected happens, if he just slowly improves, he will actually get better. He'll wake up and he'll be out of bed and walking around in a week or so. He'll be in here for a while, but eventually he'll go home. That's exactly what I believe will happen. No promises, but that is what should happen."
Brandon was silent for a moment before he whispered. "Where will I go, Arizona?"
That question broke her heart all over again. She hated to think that he was going to have to be at the mercy of social services for the foreseeable future, not because they did a poor job—they did what they could with the meager resources they had—but because he had already lost so much in his life and Rob was really all he had. Having to rely on strangers now was far from what was best. "Since you don't have any other family, the social worker will be by later today to take you to a foster home for a while. Just until Rob is well enough to go home. Then you'll be able to go home, too."
"Oh," Brandon whispered quietly. Finally he turned completely on her lap to look at her. "Can I go home with you?"
Arizona sucked in a quick breath of surprise. "Sweetie, you can't. I wish I could take you but I'm not a foster parent so I'm not allowed to." Besides, it wasn't like she was physically able to take care of him, not with her leg and the recovery from the drugs. It was all she could do just to handle him in this situation. And worst of all, she wasn't even sure she truly had a home to take him to if she could. She wasn't sure if the apartment was still her home, if Callie was still really her wife. Everything was far too uncertain even if it had been possible. In a way, it was a relief that it wasn't, because telling him no would have been impossible otherwise, and yet it was the only answer she would have been able to give with a good conscience. "They'll find you a good family to stay with and you'll be able to come see Rob, I promise. And I'll see you, too, okay? When you're here at the hospital I'll come just so I can visit with you."
"You don't like being here," he said in a tone that was without question.
"Not so much right now, no," she conceded.
He turned then and looked back at his brother, his head falling onto her shoulder with a heavy sigh. "I don't like it here right now either."
"Torres!"
Callie shut her eyes and whispered, "Shit," under her breath as she turned to find Alex rushing down the hall toward her. "Hi, Karev," she said while forcing a smile on her face.
"What the hell are you doing there? I heard you were taking a few days off." He looked at her with that confused look he often wore even when he wasn't perplexed. "Have you heard anything from Robbins lately?"
"Yeah, well I'm here because of Arizona," she said quietly before letting out a deep breath. "She's here right now."
Alex let out a quiet chuckle. "You're stalking her at the hospital now?"
"No, Alex, I'm not. She came home but a friend of hers was hurt so she's here to see him. And his kid brother. Well I guess the kid brother is more of the friend, but, yeah, whatever." She shook her head absently and raised an eyebrow at the peds fellow, silently asking him if he wanted anything from her.
"Oh, yeah, right. It's nothing. I just saw you and wanted to ask about Robbins. How's she doing then?" He leaned up against the wall casually but there was an excited tension in his body that was unmistakable.
Callie smiled as she recognized the concern in her wife's protégé. He missed her, too, and not just because she was an amazing teacher, but because before the crash and the fight over his fellowship offer at Hopkins, they had been good friends as well. And just as she so desperately wanted things to go back to how they'd been back then, to have her wife be the Arizona of old again, she knew Karev did, too. Her smile turned a little more forced as she considered her answer. "She's, well, she's home." It was something, at least.
Karev let out a heavy sigh. "Have you, I mean do you think…" He let out a dry breath of laughter and shook his head. "Have you guys had a chance to talk about, well, things?"
It really wasn't his business, but then again in a way maybe it was. She wasn't the only one who had a huge chasm in her relationship with Arizona. Her wife had already been mad at Karev before the role he played in her losing her leg. And in a way, she knew, Arizona blamed Karev just as much if not more than Callie for the misdiagnosis that ended in the amputation. He was the one who had told Callie it was her leg that was causing her vitals to crash, although no doctor under the time crunch he had been under would have been able to properly diagnose her wife. The tests were simply too time consuming to diagnose it. Even the blood tests to rule out the sepsis would have taken far more time than Arizona had at that point. At first Callie had blamed Alex until she had taken a few moments to really think about it, realizing that the only way they would have diagnosed the pulmonary embolism that almost killed her wife was to have the one obvious source of her distress taken out of contention. So, in the end, the amputation had truly saved Arizona's life, even if the loss of her leg hadn't resolved the issue. She had no idea how to make Arizona see that, how to forgive both of them and move on, but she knew she had to try. "Not yet," she finally answered quietly with quiet sigh. "Right now I'm just glad she's home and she's been getting the help she needs all this time. It'll happen."
"Good, good. Well, if you think it's a good idea, can you tell her I said hi?" He looked so uncertain in his request, almost as if he were asking the most popular girl in school out on a date.
"Sure," she replied, although she knew it would be far from a good idea at that point. Getting Arizona to be comfortable at home was the most important thing at that moment. Reminding her of Karev, of the hospital and her amputation, was probably not at the top of the list of things she should be considering at that point. She started to move away when she stopped. "Alex, if you see her here, can you just walk the other way? Please?"
For a moment he looked like he might argue but then he just nodded. "Sure. But let me know if you need anything," he said, his voice rising in just a hint of a question.
"Of course," she said as she patted him on the shoulder before walking past him and toward the elevators leading up to the ICU unit. She wanted to check on Arizona, to make sure she was still physically okay after all this time up and about. And she had to admit that she just wanted to check on Arizona and make sure she was still there.
Arizona rocked a little from side to side with Brandon still sitting in her lap, her arms wrapped around the small boy. He had been quiet for the last few minutes and she wasn't sure that he was even still awake. But she knew he needed his rest if that was the case, and most importantly, he needed to feel safe at that point, so she didn't mind just sitting there for a little while with him secure in her arms. And besides, she had to admit, that it felt good to just sit still and relax quietly. For the first time in hours her nausea had lessened and the pounding in her head was almost gone.
A deep clearing throat behind her caused her to turn and find Owen standing in the doorway. "Um," he started quietly as he moved around to look at her from the front, "I just thought I'd come see how you were doing."
She swallowed hard as panic rose in her. She had been hoping to avoid needing to speak to her colleagues at all, and worst of all, to her boss. But then again, was he even truly still her boss? She was far from certain she could ever wield a scalpel again, let alone in the hospital where she had lost everything that ever mattered to her. She nodded her head to Bran and he silently came over and lifted the boy from her, giving her the answer as to whether he was sleeping. She rose to her feet and moved out of the way so he could lower him back into the guest chair and then she motioned with her head to the hallway. She grabbed her crutch and led them outside, waiting for Owen to close the door behind them before she looked up into his pale blue eyes. "I'm, um, I'm here just for those boys in there."
Owen nodded as his eyes seemed to take her in for a moment. "You look…" His eyes dropped to her left leg and a smile came to his lips. "It's good to see you up and about."
She wiped at the back of her neck as she felt the headache return and her neck tense up achingly. "I didn't really have a choice, did I?"
It was meant to be a rhetorical question, but Owen shifted his weight and nodded. "You did. You could still be in bed, refusing to get up, or worse."
Still. She was sure he had meant it as a sign of support, but there was just a hint of accusation in his word choice. Or maybe she was just looking back on how she had reacted in those first few weeks post-op and saw her own faults too strongly. "Point taken." She coughed and swallowed, feeling suddenly quite feverish. "You know, I've been a little wiped out lately, so I'm going to go back to sit down."
"Arizona?" he asked before she could fully turn around.
She stopped and looked up at him. "Yeah?"
His brow furrowed as he stepped closer to her, lowering his voice as he spoke. "You look like you're in pain. Can I get you something?"
"No," she answered swiftly, wincing slightly at how strong her refusal was. She swallowed hard and forced a smile on her face. "No, really, it's okay. I have something if I need it," she lied.
He seemed to look at her a little too long before he nodded. "Okay. But let me know if there's anything I can do. And when you're ready to come back to work, just let me know. We'll work out whatever you need."
"Thanks," she said with a nod, trying to remain calmer than she felt. There was something in his pale blue eyes that seemed uncertain and even a little suspicious, and she was afraid she had somehow tipped off something about her current situation. If Owen even suspected she had had an issue with her medication, he could cause her all kinds of problems. And she suspected that between his time in the ER and his tours in the military, he had seen many individuals in a similar situation to her own. "I will," she finally added, trying to steady her voice but unsure of how it came out.
He just gave her a smile and nodded his head before turning to walk back down the hall toward the bank of elevators. She watched him for a moment and then tensed up as she saw her wife get off one of the elevators just as he approached. He stopped her and they talked for a moment before Callie looked down at her for a moment, tension evident in her stance even that far away. Callie then looked back at Owen and nodded, the two of them then walking away from Arizona down the hall, finally entering the conference room just on the other side of the elevators.
Arizona swallowed hard, concerned as to what the chief wanted with her wife. She watched the hall for a moment, knowing it was stupid to keep staring as if Callie would reemerge immediately. She let out a deep breath and then returned to Rob's room, smiling unbidden at Brandon as he continued to sleep curled up in the guest chair. She grabbed the other chair in the room and pulled it over next to Brandon's chair, sitting down in it wearily with a relieved sigh. She reached out and ran her fingers through his fine hair, her smile turning sad as she thought back to the last time she had seen the young boy and she frowned, as she remembered telling her prosthetist, Pete, that he seemed almost too happy. And then Pete had wondered out loud how long it could last. She wondered if he knew something she didn't. Just ironic perhaps, she thought as she sighed and leaned back in her chair, continuing her silent watch over the two boys.
Callie sat down heavily in the first conference table chair near the door. "All right, Hunt, what was so urgent that you needed to talk to me when I'm not even working?"
Owen sat down in the chair across from her and folded his hands on the table, leaning toward her and piercing her with his eyes. "What's wrong with your wife?"
Callie laughed before she could stop herself. "What's wrong? Really? What isn't wrong?" She let out a deep breath of frustration.
"That's not what I mean," he said. He paused for a moment, the expression on his face giving away how he was contemplating something. Finally he gave a small nod. "I'm not talking about emotionally or even her leg, which by the way it's good to see her walking. Something's physically wrong with her. She looks sick. I can't have her sitting in the ICU if she's sick."
"Um," she said, her mind torn about what to say. She knew Arizona wanted to be with the boys, and Callie had to admit that seeing the hints of her wife peeking out while dealing with Brandon made her want Arizona to spend as much time with him as possible. But she also knew that keeping Arizona's condition secret was imperative. "She's fine, really. I think she's just a little tired. It's been an emotional few days."
"So you're saying she's not sick."
"No, she's not sick," Callie answered, hoping that her voice sounded as confident as she wanted it to.
He nodded and just looked at her for a moment. "She seemed like she was in some pain, but she didn't want me to get her anything for it."
"So?" Callie answered defensively before she closed her eyes for a moment and let out a breath. "Sorry, I guess we're both just tired. She told me she doesn't like the side effects of the pain killers so she's trying to go without them. That's all." In a strange way it was the truth. "Just say what you really mean, Owen."
"It's just…" He let out a deep breath. "Has she had any problems with her pain killers? I've dealt with a number of trauma victims who have started relying on them a little too much."
Callie bit at her lip and took a moment to get control before she blatantly lied to Owen. "No problems. She's fine." She didn't trust herself to say any more than that.
"Okay, I just wanted to check. I only want what's best for her so she can recover and get on with life."
Callie nodded and a genuine smile touched her lips. "You and me both."
Owen stood and started to move toward the door. "If either of you need anything, really anything, just let me know." He hesitated before adding, "I feel pretty responsible so anything that I can do, I'll do it." He looked like he was going to say something else, but then he quickly turned and left before Callie could even respond.
She just sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the conference room door and breathed. Her heart was pounding, but there was just something in his expression that told her Hunt would have their backs if it came down to it. But then again, he was often really hard to read, and his loyalties had to also be to the hospital. Better to not need to roll the dice on that one. "I just want the next few days over," she whispered to herself as she put her head in her hands.
She sat there for a few moments before rising to her feet and heading back down to check on Arizona and the boys. When she got to the room, she knocked lightly and then stuck her head through the door, finding Arizona sitting in one guest chair, her right leg propped up on the foot of the bed and her head thrown back and eyes closed. Brandon was curled up in the chair next to her asleep. Callie walked in and looked down at her wife, smiling at how peaceful she looked.
"I'm just pretending to sleep," Arizona whispered as her blue eyes slid open. There was pain shadowing them and a crease to her forehead that Callie recognized as a sign that she had a horrible headache.
"What can I do to help?" Callie asked as she shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. She was still so uncomfortable trying to find a way to be there for Arizona, to read this newer, harsher version of her wife, but she was determined to stick it out until it became easy again.
Arizona looked over at Brandon and then her eyes flashed up toward the monitors next to Rob's bed. "I don't think there's anything you can do." She paused a second and then her eyes shot over to meet Callie's. "What did Hunt want?"
Callie moved over to kneel down next to Arizona so that she could keep her voice quiet, hoping not to awaken Brandon. "He's suspicious that you're having problems with your meds. I think he thinks you're abusing them."
"Well, I was."
"True, but you're not now." Callie so wanted to reach out and touch Arizona but she stopped herself, before deciding to use the guise of checking her temperature to get one quick grounding touch in. "You still have a fever."
"Hmm," Arizona agreed as she closed her eyes. "What did you tell him?"
"I told him you didn't like the side effects of the pain killers so you were trying to deal without them, but that was it." She shrugged, even though Arizona wasn't looking at her then. "That's about as close to the truth as I could get. I think he bought it."
Arizona turned her head and her eyes peeked open. "Thank you."
Callie finally did reach out and put her hand lightly on Arizona's forearm, causing those blue eyes to shoot open as her whole body tensed, but that was the reaction Callie not only expected, but was hoping for. She wanted her wife to hear her and take in her words. "Listen to me, okay? I know things are shitty between us and I'm not sure where this will all head, but nothing will make me stop loving you and supporting you, okay? You're my wife and I'd do anything for you. I've got your back on this, Arizona."
"You promise," Arizona said quietly. It wasn't a question, but a reminder of promises past, both the ones she had been able to keep and the one she had failed horribly at.
"I promise," Callie said with a simple nod. And she knew that she would never break this one, because it was the last hope she had of rescuing her marriage, and more importantly rescuing the woman she loved from the depths she had found herself in since climbing on that plane. "I'm here for you, no matter what."
There was just the slightest hint of a smile on Arizona's lips as she nodded. Then she closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the chair wearily.
Callie released a sigh of relief as her heart felt just a hair lighter at the smile. She then sat down on the floor, for lack of another chair, and propped her back against the wall to wait along with her wife.
TBC…
