Chapter Title: Questions
POV: Arizona
Disclaimer: This is a 1950s fanfic, so it is AU. I do not own the characters of Callie and Arizona. They are the creations of Shonda Rhimes and the writers of Grey's Anatomy. Every other character though is of my own creation, but I might add more Grey's characters later on. Also, because this is AU and in a different time period, Callie and Arizona will not be as they are on the show, but I stay pretty close to their personalities as possible.
Notes: I'm so sorry, everyone! It's been a long time since my last update. I thought summer was supposed to be when I could write all the time, but things happened. I got a job, and I went through a tough writer's block for a while where I didn't really write anything for a long time. It turns out I write the best when I'm not supposed to be writing in class. Who would have thought? So I apologize for the shorter chapter. I had a tough time writing it, and I even started over twice. It didn't go as planned for one thing. I guess I wanted Arizona to think about who she was a bit. But I still appreciate any feedback and comments that you guys have! Thanks for being patient! I hope to update again soon, but I probably shouldn't make too many promises. Sorry!
Arizona held her breath as she sat on her sofa in her living room. Only for a second but it felt like an eternity. She held her breath because the thought of what she did came tumbling down through her entire system. And somehow, she wanted to make it stop. Callie. The kiss. Callie. The touch. Callie. The secret. The secret that they both held between them. The forbidden to be forever kept hidden. It was all very much overwhelming.
She let out her breath finally. It was Monday once again. Normally, Arizona would probably find herself back at her neighbor's house, since it seemed to be her new favorite past time. But things changed. Things changed after that Saturday afternoon. She couldn't get herself to go back there yet. For hours, she had been trying to give possible explanations for what happened. Was it just the rush of living in the moment? Was it just some random occurrence? Maybe she didn't get enough sleep the night before.
Arizona wanted it to be anything but what was true. Anything but the fact that she wasn't normal. What's wrong with me? Kissing another woman wasn't normal. It had to be some…sort of impulse? Even her thoughts stood as questions as she tried to explain her feelings. She told Callie they would figure it out together, and suddenly, Arizona felt guilty for making that promise. Could they really? Could they really figure it out together? How could the impossible suddenly become…possible?
Violet had been napping for about an hour now, and Arizona knew she should be using the time for something productive. Cooking. Cleaning. Or perhaps trying to knit once again. She needed to do something productive to take her mind off what was bothering her since Saturday afternoon. The clock ticked. She could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. But apart from that, the house was silent. And she felt more alone than ever. Part of her wanted to face her fears and head over to Callie's, but the fence she seemed to be able to cross so easily before…was more like a bars of a jail cell. Her mind was a prison, and Arizona kept echoing the same thoughts over and over again without any progress. Finally, she spoke out loud. "I'm not gay," she said, yet it came out sounding more like a question than a fact.
"Gay" was a forbidden word in society unless it were to describe a joyful event and such. But even then, "gay" was a word hidden beneath hushed whispers and raised eyebrows. She had heard rumors of women and men who found pleasure in others of their same sex. Would she one day become a rumor? Would she one day become part of the daily gossip? "I'm not gay," Arizona repeated. Again, a question. With no response except the silence that hung in the room like an empty picture frame.
Yesterday, her husband kissed her on the cheek, and all Arizona had thought about was the soft lips of Callie's. All Arizona could think about was the Callie's touch. That wasn't right. That wasn't supposed to right. Being gay wasn't right, right? Arizona closed her eyes and wished she could wish away what happened. She wished she could go back to the monotony of her lifestyle, the dullness of her picture perfect life, the straight-forward path of a 1950s housewife. She imagined Callie's face instead.
The doorbell rang. The sound startled Arizona half to death. She got up carefully and walked quickly to the doorbell. She noticed the familiar face looking out at her from the window. Callie. Arizona opened the door. "Callie," she whispered.
"Hi," Callie replied.
"What brings you here?" Arizona managed, finding herself suddenly breathless.
"I had to give you a message," Callie replied, stepping inside. She closed the door behind her. "I wanted to give you this yesterday, but your husband…but I'm here now."
Arizona didn't say anything. Instead, she watched Callie inch closer to her. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She swallowed, finding her throat suddenly dry.
"I like you," Callie started, "a lot."
"I like you too," It came out as a squeak because Callie's hands were on Arizona's shoulders. Callie's lips brushed against her neck. Arizona moaned softly as Callie placed gentle kisses on her skin. "Um, your message?"
Callie's face was inches away from Arizona's, and the two stared into each other eyes. Callie started, "I wanted to tell you…" but instead, she kissed Arizona's lips. Softly at first; and then Callie took more control of the kiss until the kiss took control of its own.
Arizona's eyes were closed as she enjoyed every sensation. Kissing Callie was like nothing she ever experienced before. It felt as if the entire universe was lit on fire, as if passion suddenly took on a whole new meaning. Arizona could feel a rush of warmth throughout her entire body. And despite everything, kissing Callie felt like the most normal thing in the world, at least in the moment.
A tap came from the window, and Arizona opened her eyes to find her husband staring back at her from the other side of the window. A new type of warmth rushed through her entire body, filled with embarrassment and shame. She felt her stomach drop three stories, and she knew that this would be the end of every bit of respect she worked years to earn. This would be the end of her.
Arizona woke up on her sofa, startled. She must have fallen asleep for ten minutes or so, and she sighed in relief. The last thing she needed was her fantasy-turned-nightmare to become reality. Maybe it wouldn't be that easy. Maybe it wouldn't be easy to one day know exactly who she was, but maybe that would be okay.
The shrill of the telephone filled the silence, and Arizona got up and walked over to the kitchen. She picked up the phone and put it to her ear. "Hello, this is Arizona Robbins,"
"Arizona,"
"Callie?" Arizona asked as she fiddled with the phone cord with her other hand.
"Well, I-I was going to come over, but I didn't know if it would be a good time or not. And besides, Mark and George are still sleeping. And I don't really know what I wanted to say, but I don't know. I figured we could…talk?" Callie ended her rambling with a question.
"Of course," Arizona answered, trying to sound more cheerful in some way. "I'm sorry,"
"What?"
"I'm sorry for making a mess of things. It's my entire fault," Arizona apologized, her voice feeling heavy. She was filled with such longing, but she knew in the end…how could it even work out? Arizona didn't even know how to process the situation, so how could she expect anyone else to do the same? They had to talk, but what would they even talk about?
The room was seemed to be filled with question marks, bouncing off the walls. Arizona knew Callie must be feeling the same way perhaps. Arizona still wanted to blame everything on some strange impulse that she had, but lying to herself would not solve any of her problems. The truth was that she had feelings for Callie. What kind of feelings? She didn't know. All she knew was that she liked her neighbor…a lot.
Callie cleared a throat after a momentary pause. "Arizona, I know this is complicated, but you shouldn't apologize. It's all right. Really,"
Arizona smiled and then realized Callie couldn't see her smile, so she replied, "That makes me feel better. Thanks,"
"We'll talk, okay?"
"Okay,"
And with that, Callie hung up the phone, and the wall clock chimed. Arizona's husband would be home soon. Right now, it was time to wake up her baby girl. The blonde woman walked upstairs and into the nursery where little Violet was sleeping. "Violet," Arizona said gently, "Time to wake up."
She kissed her daughter's cheek softly, and soon the little girl's eyelids fluttered open. "Good evening, sweetheart," Arizona greeted the sleepy three-year-old. "Did you have a good nap?"
Violet was still struggling to get accustomed to consciousness, so she looked at her mother blankly before Arizona picked up the little girl. Her daughter was getting to the point where she was almost too heavy to lift anymore, but there was a comfort in holding a child on her hip. And besides, Arizona didn't like the thought of Violet being all grown up already.
She bounced the three-year-old on her hip to the best of her ability and made her way back downstairs. But before walked down, Arizona caught a glimpse of herself in one of the hallway mirrors. Her hair was still a golden blonde styled in the fashionable bob. Her eyes were still a periwinkle-blue, and everything else was the same. She was still the same Arizona she always was. Violet too stared into the mirror, and Arizona began more-of-a-one-sided conversation with the little girl. "You know, Violet, people say you look like me a lot. Do you think that's true?" Arizona asked.
Violet didn't say anything as her mother carried her downstairs. When Arizona finally reached the bottom step, she let Violet get down, and the little girl ran off to find where she left her toys.
For a moment, the woman stood in place, an epiphany dawning on her. Arizona only heard about gay women a few times in her entire life, yet she had had thoughts about other women before, even before Callie. Callie wasn't the first woman Arizona felt a connection with. But "gay" never ran across her mind because she didn't fit the stereotype. Being manly never crossed her mind, so being gay seemed to be out of the question.
But the thing about stereotypes…was that they're stereotypes. She had gone far too long ignoring herself. She wasn't going to ignore herself anymore. "I'm gay," she whispered to herself. And it wasn't a question this time.
