The bats' return woke Eoforhild from a light sleep where she'd huddled during the night, and she groggily sat up. Aandar was already poking the fire back to life, or at least was about the pretense of it. The flames still licked merrily at the fuel he'd given them before; his efforts had no effect. Noting his frown, Eoforhild went to kneel beside him.
"I know you are angry with me, Aandar," she said quietly, and he shook his head.
"Nar," he replied. "Eoforhild say thing, Aandar think. Remember what do. Make Aandar feel bad." He lightly pressed the center of his chest. "Bad hurt. Know now, what do to female. What Uruk do to Eoforhild. Understand."
"I have been thinking as well," she said. "I have been so long among those who could no longer speak without screaming, or listen to the pain of another... There has been no opportunity to rid myself of these... horrors." She bowed her head and turned away. "I wanted something... normal. I thought... I could leave that place behind, as though it had never been. I could start anew." Releasing a shuddering breath, she whispered, "I even believed... you... could be a part of it. I do not know if you can. I am sorry I let you believe..."
"Nar," he said firmly, and she looked over her shoulder at him. Poking his chest, he growled, "Not 'normal.' Uruk. All do, Uruk do. Not... normal Man do." His brow furrowed more deeply. "Don't know word. Know feel. Want part. Eoforhild... skai," he cursed, growling with frustration.
"What is it, Aandar?" she asked. "I am certain I do not fully understand what you feel. I will listen, if you will tell me."
He swallowed, and his mouth twitched, then he shook his head. "Nar. Eoforhild need tell, not Aandar. Tell, Eoforhild listen, Aandar better. Now Eoforhild tell, Aandar listen. Make Eoforhild better." He nodded to her. "Tell. Get... rid... horror. Aandar listen."
A wan smile came to her, and she took his hand. He held hers firmly and nodded encouragingly once more. "I do not want to hurt you, Aandar," she said quietly. "I truly do not. I want you to understand that."
"Understand," he replied.
Taking a deep breath, she said, "The first night in Isengard, I gathered the two women already in the cell. It was easier, you see. They wept as I did, for they had heard... Hilda. They knew what was done to her. If I gave them comfort, lent them what strength I still possessed, I could... set aside my own grief. It was not many hours later that the Jailor came to fetch one of them. She did not return. I did not realize until much later that the woman had conceived her fourth, and it was the end of the line for her.
"My time came soon enough," she continued in a detached, nearly emotionless voice. Aandar edged closer, and gripped her hand tightly. "The Jailor came for me. I did not know... did not want to know, what fate awaited me. I fought him all the way down the hall. Even now, I recall his words. 'Easy, lass. Fightin' don't make it better.' He was right." Sqeezing her eyes shut for a moment, gathering her strength, she pressed on.
"The Pitmaster applied the whip to take the fight out of me," she said, and half smiled when Aandar growled deep in his chest. "Yet I still struggled. He had a chore putting me on that table, I assure you. By then, I knew what was coming. An Uruk stood by waiting. He..."
Eoforhild stopped, her throat closing at the memory. "He was grinning, and... stroking himself. Watching every move. I knew then what was coming." She paused again, her lips trembling. Tears welled in her eyes. "He tried to rape my mou-... my mouth first, but the Pitmaster stopped him. He said... he said master did not want them wa-... wasting their seed that way. He made me pay for his disappointment."
Her hand went shakily to her cheek. "He made me look at him while... while he did it. He made it hurt, and he... he... barely rested between. There was blood. I bled, he did it so hard. There is not supposed to be blood but the one time, and only a little then. Over and over again, he raped me and raped me and raped me..."
Aandar caught her in his arms as she toppled over in sobbing despair. Holding her close, he felt like weeping himself. He thought she'd pull away from him, and prepared himself to quickly release her, but she encircled his waist with her arms and gripped him tightly. He could feel her nails digging into his hide.
That this was done to his Thaktor and caused this much pain, infuriated him. That he had done the same to others shamed him. He wanted to find this Uruk and rip him to shreds for hurting her, but the Uruk was dead already, leaving her unavenged, and he helpless to do anything for her.
It was some time later that her sorrow dissipated and she was able to draw back. She clumsily rubbed the tears from her marred cheeks. "Thank you, Aandar," she breathed.
Frowning, he growled, "Not do. Want do. Want kill Uruk for rape Eoforhild. Want... want tear arm off, beat Uruk. Want..." He gasped his angry frustration for several breaths. "Can't do nothing."
The grimly amusing vision of Aandar furiously beating that Uruk with his own severed arm brought a slight smile to her face. "You have done something, Aandar. You are here, and you have listened. I have wept, and you have held me. You are angry for what was done to me. I cannot tell you how much better I feel, after all these things you have done."
One side of his mouth tipped up in an uncertain grin. "What friend do?"
"Yes, that is what a friend does," she nodded.
"Not much," he replied skeptically.
"No, I expect it does not seem like much," she agreed. "But it is more than enough."
Brow pinched, he reached up and lightly touched one of the scars on her cheek. "Like Nûlkol," he murmured. "Always mark here." His face contorted with impotent fury. "Want Nûlkol live. Aandar need kill." He raised his other hand and clenched his fist. "Aandar hand, kill. Not water, not tree. Aandar."
Eoforhild drew a shuddering breath. "You cannot know it was him," she said hollowly.
He leveled a fierce glare at her, though his anger still pointed elsewhere. "Nûlkol laugh, not like other Uruk. High laugh. Hear?" Grimacing, his face showing no humor at all, he imitated a high-pitched, cruel laugh. The sound alone would have set anyone's teeth on edge.
It made Eoforhild cringe and shake uncontrollably. "Yes!" she cried, squeezing her eyes shut. "It was him. Please do not do that again, Aandar." He swiftly embraced her and pulled her close.
"Not laugh like Nûlkol again," he reassured her softly. "Aandar stop."
Pressing her cheek to his shoulder, she wept and shook. She felt as helpless as a small child as she climbed into Aandar's lap and curled around him, cowering from the mere memory of that vile Uruk and his insane laughter.
With such strong arms about her, she felt calm. Safe. Protected. It seemed ironic that the monsters might be held at bay by one of their own, but that was how it felt.
After a few deep breaths and the steadying of her heart, Eoforhild continued.
"He laughed when I cried out in pain," she said quietly. "It seemed to... strengthen him. He saw to it I screamed a great deal. Most of the scars I bear are from him. He did not simply grip me hard enough to drive his claws into my flesh; he dragged them down my body. The Pitmaster had to make him stop lest the damage he was doing... should kill me." She chuckled humorlessly. "I foolishly thought it was my welfare that concerned him, when it was his master's investment of time and effort that made him so... protective."
"Pitmaster snaga shit," Aandar grumbled. "Don't care for nothin' but Pitmaster. Suck master cock. See Orc fire, don't piss on Orc put out. Fuck Pitmaster. Good dead Pitmaster."
"I have to agree with you there, Aandar," she said with bitter amusement.
"Eoforhild better?" he asked hopefully, looking down at her face.
"A good deal better, thank you," she nodded. "It was a hopeless place, Aandar. Perhaps it did not seem so terrible to you, for it was all you knew. But for us... We had laughed and loved, breathed the fresh air, warmed ourselves beneath the sun. We knew freedom. Most of us had been respected in one form or another. At least we had not been... abused before. To come into a place of torment such as Isengard, where freedom was an ending, not a beginning; where relief from suffering was at the whim of those who made us suffer and they were loathe to give it away... We wanted to die, Aandar. All of us. Were escape even a possibility, we would never truly leave it behind."
There were no words Aandar could think to say, so he simply rested his cheek upon her head and held on. She seemed to be calmer in his lap, in his arms, pressed so close. As he sat there, it occurred to him that he was limp. He hadn't even noticed. Sighing with relief, he gave her a brief squeeze. Good, he told his cock, you are as guilty as I am. Keep your silence.
"I fainted," Eoforhild murmured. "When he had... raped me so many times that first day that I could not have counted if I'd wanted to. Perhaps he continued. I do not know. It is more likely he stopped, for I could not... entertain him with my screaming any longer. I awoke in the cell. I wept so much more... Not because I was raped, but because I woke up. I did not want to, not after..."
Sighing, she said, "The woman in my cell did not come near me. She said nothing, and did not even look at me. We should have... comforted one another, for we were suffering the same thing. We should have shared strength. Helped one another survive another day. I was angry with her, who had been there longer and should have guided me, as I guided the young girls new to the brothel. A kind word, a gentle embrace, a reassuring if insincere platitude... Could she offer nothing? Such were the foolish thoughts I had then. By morning, I understood why she could not. There was nothing left. Not for any of us. I was taken from the cell again, strapped to the table again, and... Nûlkol came... again."
"Gone now," Aandar rumbled quietly. "No fear."
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "I suppose... it was fortunate that it was quick, relatively speaking. They checked us each week, to see if... if we had conceived. By the second week, I was pregnant, and his duty was done. I could breathe. I never saw him again."
"Pits," he growled. "Rape Aandar, rape Ghrulagûrz, rape and rape. That where Nûlkol go, do."
"I am sorry that happened to you, Aandar," she said earnestly, looking up at his face.
He shrugged. "Aandar pay for rape. No sorry, Eoforhild. Aandar pay."
Though she secretly agreed with his assessment, Eoforhild did not want to hurt him by saying so.
"I think I have said enough for one day," she sighed, leaving his lap with a firm hand on the ripped tunic. "You have helped me. I feel... a bit stronger now."
"Good," he said, standing and stretching his back. He headed toward the cave's exit.
Recalling his words before, Eoforhild took his hand, and he stopped, looking at her curiously.
"What is it you feel, Aandar? That you did not want to tell me before? Can you now?"
Frowning, he faced her, yet could not look her in the eyes. "Think... Eoforhild want Aandar. Like, want. For... for fuck. Say want, think want." He sighed. "Eoforhild not want Aandar. Think wrong. Don't know... what right think."
Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You did not misunderstand me, Aandar. I... I do... want you. At this moment, I want you to be my friend. I will want that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next... I will always want that."
"Feel good, any want," he nodded. "No Uruk want Aandar. All time, Aandar not worth shit. Dumb fuck Aandar, no want."
"We are quite alike in that respect," she said, briefly touching his cheek. "I fear I will no longer be wanted by my own people. It is good to be wanted by Aandar."
"Not... fear female?" he asked cautiously. "Dead female, hate Eoforhild for want Aandar. No fear?"
"If they do not condemn me for living, for surviving," she replied sadly, "how can they despise me for finding peace? I do not want to imagine hatred I cannot see or fight. You are being a friend to me, when I need it. Where were they when I needed a friend in Isengard? They were all about me, Aandar. They shared my cell, and yet none ever offered me anything, though I exhausted myself seeing to them. I know they had nothing to give. You have it, and you have given it to me freely. No, I do not fear the opinions of the dead. Not anymore."
After they'd eaten more of the pig's meat for breakfast, Aandar girded his bow and sword and accompanied Eoforhild into the forest in search of berries. Almost nothing had begun blooming yet; the Uruk had little confidence that the fruit Thaktor spoke so highly of could be found.
He watched her move, examining each bush, touching leaves here and there to note their shapes, and he felt his cock stir. Now he was truly annoyed. Did it require so little to grab its attention? When he was certain she wasn't looking, he half turned away and socked himself a good one.
Oh no, he thought as a dull pain rose up from his privates into his gut. This was not quite so brilliant an idea as he thought it would be.
He staggered and bent double, then nearly bit through his lower lip to stifle the roar of agony; a strained whimper escaped him instead. Though his legs were fine, he found he could not take another step without limping and grabbing trees along the way to steady himself.
Glancing back, Eoforhild was startled to see him in such obvious discomfort. "Aandar? Are you well?"
"Good," he gasped through clenched teeth. "Aandar good." He waved his hand, urging her to continue.
"You are not good," she said sternly, cocking her hip and crossing her arms over her chest. "Did you step on something that caused you such pain?"
"No pain," he groaned. "Aandar fine."
"Liar," she chided. "Let me see. Perhaps I can help you."
Eyes widening in alarm, he took a clumsy step backwards. "Nar. Aandar fine. No pain. See?" He forced a smile and straightened his back, trying to still the trembling of his body. Eoforhild was not convinced, and continued to stare him down until he relented. Sighing, he told her, "Cock hard. See Eoforhild, cock hard. Aandar... hit. Make not hard."
Her brow rose a fraction. "You... hit yourself?"
"Akh," he replied sheepishly. "Not hard now." He tried to grin, but it came out a grimace.
"Oh, Aandar," she chuckled, shaking her head. "I understand. I have made you think that such a thing is a threat to me. Yes, it has been. But now... how can I explain this?" Frowning and worrying her lip thoughtfully, she ventured, "I do not feel threatened by you any longer, Aandar. Not even when you harden. I know how you feel about me. How your body reacts is often outside your control. Truly, my own... sometimes... reacts to you. You have smelled it, I know. It is beyond both our control."
"Don't want make fear," he said urgently. "Not hurt Eoforhild."
"I know," she nodded.
"Want friend," he insisted, then bowed his head. "Want shaûk also," he muttered.
"You are my friend, Aandar," she said. "I know you want more, but I cannot promise it."
"Nar," he said, shaking his head. "Aandar take what Eoforhild give. Friend only, Aandar take. Give friend to Eoforhild. Only friend, Eoforhild want. So... Aandar only give friend." He smiled reassuringly.
"How can one such as you," she whispered, "have ever come from that place?"
Startled, he said, "Eoforhild know. See Aandar come from Isengard."
Chuckling, she said, "No, I mean... you have changed so much in a short time. That you can stand here and tell me you are content with friendship when only a few days past you were so demanding. I am amazed, Aandar. I would not have ever imagined, after what I endured, that one of the wizard's creatures could be... something other than a monster."
Aandar tapped his temple with a clawed finger. "Master Voice gone. Aandar free. Can think many thing now." A slight smile curved his lips. "Think where safe for Thak-... Eoforhild. Think where get meat. Think where get water." He gestured off to their right where he'd found a stream while he hunted the day before. He chuckled. "Think what do for bat, get rid. Bat shit in tunnel. Smell bad."
Eoforhild found herself smiling at him. "This surprises you? That you can think of these things?"
"Akh," he nodded. "Voice make head..." He huffed with frustration. "Soft. Like fur. No think, some time. See one thing: kill enemy for master. Enemy there, Aandar go there. Fight and kill. No other think. Not in fight, can think some. No good. Leader don't care for ask. Aandar don't ask." His grin broadened as he looked at Thaktor. "Now, can think. Think how live. How make Eoforhild better. How... not do bad thing, make Eoforhild hate. No fur head. Aandar ask, Eoforhild tell. Feel good."
"There are many sorts of prisons," she nodded. "Mine was a cage, yours was in your mind. I am glad he no longer holds us. We are truly free, aren't we, Aandar?"
"Free," he nodded, then shrugged. "Summat free. Eoforhild think bad thing. Tell, and better. Aandar same. Tell, and better. Make all bad think go, Eoforhild and Aandar free."
"Yes," she agreed. "Perhaps when all the bad memories we both have are dealt with, we shall both be free."
"Aandar listen," he smiled.
"So shall I." Smiling a little, she said, "There is... a trick we learned for... relaxing an erect cock that is not so... hurtful. You... flick the base, like so." She curled her middle finger under her thumb and released it sharply. "I do not understand why it works, but... it is quick, and very effective."
"Try next time," he said ruefully.
The season was not right for berries, but Eoforhild was grateful for the armload of walnuts she found at the base of a tree. She wondered if the blackened skin could be eaten as well. She dimly recalled seeing squirrels chewing it to get the nut inside, but didn't know what they did with the husk afterwards.
Shrugging, she reasoned that there would need to be experimentation or they would not survive. The best she could do was give it a try in small quantities and see. The nut, she knew, would at least give them something different to eat.
Once in their cave, she and Aandar spent an hour shelling the walnuts. He used the knife to peel the softening husk from the shells, and she used a rock to split them open. Curious, he reached for a kernel she'd just set aside in a pile, only to have his hand swatted away.
"Wait until we are done," she admonished half-seriously. He grunted impatiently, but dutifully went back to cutting through the leathery husks.
"Not eat nut," he said. "Good?"
"I think so," she replied, bringing a rock down sharply on the hard shell. She was gratified by the cracking sound as the shell split. The first few she'd struck were crushed; she quickly learned to temper the blows. "When I was very young, father and I used to gather nuts from the marron trees that grew... oh, at least a league or more from our village. It was quite the journey. Mother roasted them, and they were so sweet. Harvest time was not complete without them."
"What father? Mother?" the Uruk asked.
Without looking at him, Eoforhild concentrated on carefully removing the meat from the shell of the walnut. "My mother is the one who bore me. My father is... her shaûk, I suppose. They made me together."
Aandar frowned. "Father fuck mother, make whelp? Whelp Eoforhild?"
Bristling, she slammed the rock down on the next walnut too hard and shattered it. Taking a shaky breath, she looked him hard in the eyes, making him flinch. "No, Aandar. That is not... I am sorry. You do not understand. I promised to teach you, and I shall." Calming herself after some effort, she patiently said, "There are things we do which may seem no different, one from another, but for the way we feel when we do them. When my mother and father... made me, they loved one another. They cared for one another. They lived together and worked together always. They loved. When I... earned coin, I did not care for those men, nor they for me. I did not know them before I lay with them, and knew little more of them when they left my bed. I did not want to know more. I certainly did not love them. That was fucking. What my mother and father did was make love."
"Understand," Aandar nodded. "Shaûk... make love. Not fuck. Make love good?"
Tears came unexpectedly to her eyes and she shook her head. "I do not know, Aandar. I have never... loved. Or been loved. Not like that. I can only say... it is... it is more than fucking. So it must be better."
"Say, love mean... care for other. Say, live and work for other. Do... other thing for other?"
"Yes," she nodded. "My mother... so loved my father that... when he came to be injured, and could no longer work, she took on extra duties. She made him as comfortable as she could. She never once blamed him for her hardships. And he so loved her that... he thanked her for even the smallest things she did. He was bitter about his ill luck, he lamented his condition, but he never showed it to her."
Laughing humorlessly to herself, she shook her head. "I did not see that, when I was young. I saw what was easiest to see. She aged before her time, and he was near useless. Her... commitment to him confused me. In my foolish youth, I thought she would be better served by leaving him. How disappointed she must have been, to have shared a promise of a life spent in bliss, only to have him brought so low he could not fulfill his half of the bargain."
Sagging, she bowed her head. "That is why I chose the life I did, I think," she said. "I wanted the pleasures of the marriage bed without the trappings of it. Or the trap, as I thought it was then. I simply replaced one trap with another."
"Mother... leave father?" Aandar asked.
"No," Eoforhild replied. "She loved him, you see. It took me years to realize that she was not trapped by her marriage. She chose to be with him. Whether he was injured or not, a whole man or only half, it did not matter, because she loved him."
A smile of understanding came to Aandar's face. "Shaûk," he said, nodding with certainty.
"I believe you are right, Aandar," she said, returning his smile. "They are shaûk."
