A/N: There's nothing to be addressed here. So enjoy this chapter and leave reviews if you want. I love reading them. :)
4Eva4Naya: Ah! That's something I could write about! :D Oh, keep those long reviews coming. I love reading them, especially when people enjoy reading this and wants to share their thoughts on the chapters. :)
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Chapter 12 – State of Consciousness
You were feeling stressed out with the packing you had to get done. Everything was such a mess and everyone was rushing to get their jobs done before you leave for Europe. You were so busy to the point that you had to cut short your conversations with Brittany just so you could ready yourself before the actual departure.
Quinn had also contributed to the reason why you had to cut short your conversations. Apparently, fitting hundreds of interviews, sessions and photo shoots in one day was practical. As tired and busy as you were, you still had to make a call to Brittany. It was like a daily requirement for you. But the past couple days were different. Neither of you had contacted each other. It wasn't because you didn't want to, you just couldn't.
You sat on your bedroom floor with your hands buried in your hoodie pockets as you stared at the pile of folded clothes in front of you. It was hard to believe that you would be leaving this country in less than a day. The other thing that was coming up really soon, was Valentine's Day. In fact, Valentine's Day was tomorrow. You didn't exactly have a Valentine nor would you even be home when that day arrives. Of course you could just ask Brittany but it seemed a little too late now.
You breathed out a sigh and leaned forward to stuff the rest of your clothing into the luggage. You turned your head to the left and looked at your abandoned phone on the side table as you contemplated on contacting a certain blonde. But something just pulled you away from that idea. You had no idea what to even say to her.
You picked yourself off the floor and heading out to the living room where Kurt, Quinn and their significant others were gathered. That sense of jealousy just consumed you upon knowing that your best friends had something to look forward to the next day. You meandered your way to them before slumping down onto the spot next to Quinn.
"What's up, San?" asked Kurt, waving his hand at you.
You shrugged as you inspected your fingernails. "It's just… you guys have scored big and I'm just here witnessing all your chapters closing and now you're starting a new one while I'm stuck at the same spot, you know?"
"Santana," Quinn dragged as she gently rubbed your forearm. "We've all witness your success and that's a huge chapter in your life."
"But it doesn't mean I'm happy," you interrupted. "I've seen you guys find someone who you could depend your life on. I just… I really don't know where I stand now."
The whole room just stood still, making you feel even more stupid for saying that than you already were. Maybe you were right, maybe you should have just keep your mouth shut. They were eyeing you like eagles. It would have been the perfect moment to just stand up and hide in your room before they tear you apart in pieces but your body just froze in place. Then the defensive part of you kicked in.
"Could you not stare at me like I'm some sort of an alien creature?" you frowned, pushing yourself back on the couch so you wouldn't be slouching. "If you're done staring, can I please get some personal space?"
With that, they looked away in fear as well as confusion and stared awkwardly at each other. You rested your head on your hand as you leaned closer to the arm rest and brought your legs up. The others had already picked up where they left off while you just stared through the glass of the television screen.
Santana: I need you now.
It wasn't long until you received a reply from the receiver of your text.
Quinn: Is everything ok? Do u wanna come to my house and talk?
Santana: Yes.
You wiped the tears off your cheeks and eyes, and placed your hand firmly on the stirring wheel as you took in a few deep breaths to hopefully calm you enough so your vision wouldn't be so distorted while you drive. You switched on the ignition and drove straight to Quinn's house. By the time you got there, you allowed yourself in and went to find her.
Quinn sat on the dining room table and was busy typing away on her laptop that it took her the sound of your faint sobbing to realize you were standing behind her. Her parents were away on a business trip, leaving her with the whole house to herself. It also meant that you were able to drop by at any given moment since she had secretly made a duplicate key.
Quinn looked up and saw you in a mess before closing the lid of her laptop and hurried to you, holding you close to her. She began stroking your hair and hushing you down. The repeated words that soon became a mantra caused you to lose all control and you just broke down in her arms. The words that came out of your mouth were so jumbled up that you yourself couldn't even decipher them.
"Shush shush… it's going to be okay," she cooed you as she stroked the back of your head. "Everything's gonna be okay."
After calming down a little, Quinn went to the kitchen to get you a glass of water. As she walked out of it, she kindly asked you what the reason of this sudden breakdown was. She headed you the glass to which you took a sip out of and tightly held in over your lap. You thought you were able to talk it out but the moment you mentioned Elaine's name, you were brought back to how you were when you first arrived there.
"I c-caught… I caught E-Elaine with… with someone el-else…" you sobbed. "In b-bed."
You noticed how Quinn momentarily looked at you shocked but then, she scooted over to your side and embraced you. She kept repeating the same words over and over as well as the strokes. Quinn even rocked the both of you back and forth, hoping that it would work as she tried comforting you. You angled your body slightly facing hers and wrapped your arms around her before pulling her in for a tight hug when she told you that everything happens for a reason. The problem was that you don't even know what the reason was anymore.
"Santana? Did you hear what we said?" Kurt asked, throwing you out of your deep thoughts.
"Uh..." you simply replied.
He sighed out loud and briefly looked at his boyfriend who just displayed a tight smile on his face. He turned back to you and repeated what he had just said; something about the flight departure time and where you'd be staying for the next couple of days. You just nodded blindly at his sentences. You weren't exactly in the right state of mind. It just didn't seem right, like something felt out of place.
You frowned at your own thoughts before deciding that you had enough and pulled yourself off the couch and to your room. All of them just stared at you confused and worried but you reassured them that you were okay. As you sat on your bed thinking of what could be the possible reason to why you felt like that, you just blindly scrolled down your twitter timeline. The numerous tweets about having a Valentine or crying because they didn't have one, you finally realized what was wrong.
Today marked the fifth year since that incident happened and you had not had a Valentine since simply because it just reminds you of the day you caught her cheating on you. Maybe this year could be different. Maybe this year you would finally be able to feel like you mean something to someone again.
You got up from your bed and took your bike key with you as you head out into the living room and to the front door. Quinn questioned you about where you were heading but you just left her an indefinite answer before letting the door close behind you and headed to the garage.
You put on your helmet and kept a straight face as you looked into your plan and if it was even sensible. After switching on the engine, you zoomed your way to a location you badly want to visit before you leave the country.
This was it. You were standing right outside the apartment. Your heart was beating so fast, it felt like it would jump out at any given moment. After a few deep breaths, you finally had the guts to make your presence known. You stood in place with your hands clutched in front of you as you wait for her to open the door.
"Santana..." she spoke airily. "What are you doing here?"
You let out a nervous giggle as you revealed the reason. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Brittany's face instantly lit up so bright, it made you remember why you were falling. Her cheeks tinted of crimson and her gaze alternated between the floor and your eyes. She stepped forward, closing the gap between the two of you and wrapping her arms around you. You just grinned at the action and placed your hands around her neck before being pulled by her and leaving no space in between.
You fluttered your eyes shut and just wait for whatever that was coming next. It drove you insane when Brittany just ghosted her lips over yours and breathed out through her mouth, causing you to feel the most arousing tingle on your lips. The heat from her breath warmed your face so deliciously, it was making you heat up in other places.
"Happy Valentine's Day to you too," she said huskily.
You felt dizzy just listening to her say that. Why did she have such a huge impact on you? Everything she does, it just makes you want her more.
Brittany finally stopped with her teases and connected your lips together. Oh how you loved feeling those on yours. It just felt so right. You smiled into the kiss when she suddenly stopped all movements of the lips before forcefully pecking on yours. Her tongue ran across the bottom of your lips, seeking entry to which you happily granted it.
The warmth and wetness from her mouth and tongue were enough to make your eyes roll to the back of your head. It was when Brittany moaned that it made your knees so weak and your heart beat faster. As much as you want it to go on forever, you knew there was a chance of someone else catching you.
You gently pulled away and grinned at her, still locking your eyes with hers. You held her by her hand as she brought you inside. The both of you maintained eye contact even if it meant making it harder to get to where you want to be.
Once you kicked the door shut, you did not hesitate to pull her close and continue where you left off. But it only lasted a few seconds before Brittany asked you to slow down. You were confused at first but then she brought up something about you leaving tonight. You took a couple steps back and looked away.
"I just... I don't know," you shrugged. "I just felt like I was missing something. So I came here."
Brittany smiled upon your answer and looked at you like you were the only person in the world.
"Can I ask you something?" you asked after the long silence you two shared.
Brittany just nodded and led you to the couch, sitting right in front of you with her side leaning against the backrest. You inhaled deeply and quickly thought of what you were going to ask her. It was definitely not something you were used to asking but you somehow had to get it out there and hopefully get an honest opinion.
"What is it about me?" you asked, trying not to sound too curious.
"What do you mean?" Brittany frowned.
"I mean, what is it about me that made you stay?" you elaborated. "I'm mean, I'm scary and I'm everything there is to hate about. So what is it about me that made you stay?"
You saw how Brittany looked away from you. The way she sucked in her lips as she try to come up with something. It didn't take long before she replied you and that reply was probably one of the rarest things you've heard said about you.
"You're like a book," Brittany paused, looking at you in the eye. "A book I can't put down just yet. A book so interesting and mysterious, I am intrigued to uncover more of its hidden secrets. A book... one of those rare books, like there are only five of those found in this world and I am lucky enough to get to read one of them. So no, you're not scary, mean or anything really. You're the most nicest person I've met even though you tend to hide it behind that tough exterior."
You were rendered speechless by her words. It was like nothing you've heard. You couldn't help but feel so adored by her and how wise she was at such a young age. Brittany's smile had long disappeared when she gave you the impromptu speech. It was like she was nervous as to how you felt after listening to the truth.
"Um... what is it about me?" Brittany redirected the question.
"It's hard to tell," you paused as you thought of a clever way to say it. "You're like water and... and I'm magnesium. Just this grey, dull speck of dust. But when you made contact with me, even just one small precious little drop of you, it's like... it's like this chemical reaction. A reaction so bright, it feels like my dark days are over. I am finally able to see my shadow again and see world better. If there was no you and the chemical reaction never did happened, I'd probably still be stuck in this darkness I've been living in for so long. Do you understand what I mean?"
"No, not really," Brittany answered.
The crease between her brows and the confused look she displayed easily told you how lost she was when you told her about the chemical reaction between the element and the compound. You shifted back on the couch and took Brittany's hand in yours as you took in another deep breath before explaining it to her.
"Um... you've allowed me to see the world better and at the same time, discover myself," you said, slowly looking up at her. "You make me feel like whatever bad that had happened before are just learning experiences so that I can improve myself and... more importantly, you make me believe that it is possible for me to find happiness again."
And possibly love.
You felt your hand being squeezed gently by Brittany and how her thumb suddenly started drawing circles at the back of your hand. She let out a relieve laugh and shied away from you. You on the other hand felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off your shoulder.
Brittany brought your hand up to her lips and kissed it lightly before cupping it in between her hands. There it was again, that feeling in your stomach. You felt like you could just pounce at her at any given moment. You found yourself breathing heavier and heavier by the second. It was hard enough being around her. When she did things to you, even just one little touch, you found yourself unable to contain your feelings and emotions.
"When are you leaving?" she asked.
The way her face just changed just like that drastically pulled down your emotions. As much as you loved the earlier conversation, you knew this one was inevitable. You didn't know what would happen to the two of you if you were to leave for the tour.
"A little over an hour," you replied, looking down as to avoid eye contact with the blonde.
You felt her hands squeeze yours slightly before she let it go all together. You instantly looked up and saw how sad she was. You creased your brows in worry and leaned toward her, cupping her cheek to make her look at you. Then you felt your hand getting wetter. Brittany had already layered her hand over yours that was cupping her cheek before she turned her head to it and kissed your palm. That moment just shattered your heart. You scooted closer to her and pulled her close to you, letting her rest her head on your chest as you hugged her.
"Don't be sad, honey," you cooed. "I'll be back as soon as we're done. We can still Skype with each other. If you're sad, then I'm heartbroken."
Brittany looked up at you and tried to smile, only to quiver and fall into a sobbing mess. You cupped both of her cheeks and tried to get her to look you in the eye, repeating her name over and over to get her to look at you.
When she finally did, the only thing you could think of doing was to kiss her. You just pulled her face hard onto yours and kissed her, not caring if it hurt either of you. You heard her take in a sharp inhale of breath and felt her loosen up a little before you gently moved away and looked at her. Brittany still had that sad look on her face but her eyes told a much different story. The sparkle was back and how the tears looked like they were of nothing but joy.
"Call me when you land," Brittany sobbed, wiping her tear with her sweater before holding your hand.
You got up without letting go of your interlaced fingers as you picked her up with you. "I will and I'll be back, I promise."
The two of you walked to the door and just stood there staring at each other. Brittany's eyes were still red but she was much happier than before. Her arms were crossed across her chest as she leaned against the threshold. You hooked one of your hands onto the crossed arms, hoping that she would let go and hold your hand instead, which she did. Brittany was no longer looking at you but at your hands instead. When she let out that airy laugh, you felt your knees weakened and your heart beat faster.
"Don't be sad, okay?" you smiled, swing your hands in hope of lightening the mood a little. "I'll be home before you know it."
With that, you took a step forward and connected your lips for the last time before you leave. You could feel how Brittany's lips made up words you couldn't exactly decipher which in turn, made you smile into the kiss. Finally the kiss slowed down and came to a stop. You just stood there taking in the beauty in front of you. The way her freckles made her face so adorable and how her messy bun made her look so cute.
"I'll call you, okay?" you said just above a whisper as you walked away slowly while still maintaining eye contact. "Take care."
By the time you got home, Quinn was pacing around the apartment with her phone in her hand. Kurt and the guys had already left, leaving Quinn all by herself. You tried sneaking pass her but she had caught you.
"Where the hell have you been?" she shouted. "I've been trying to call you. We're supposed to be in the bus right now."
"Sorry… had to run an errand," you said, shaking your head in the process. "Um… let's… get going."
Quinn stopped dead on her track and stared at you. You ignored whatever she was doing and walked past her to your bedroom. You grabbed your luggage and whatever you need before heading out the door and to the limousine that was waiting for you next to the sidewalk. You were not that surprised to find Kurt and the guys talking loudly and laughing among themselves when you opened the door. You isolated yourself from the gang as you sat in the far end of the limo.
All you could think about what the blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman you just said your goodbyes to. If it were a choice, you would have chosen to be with her but it wasn't. Everything had been planned out months ago, maybe a year. Brittany could have come with you but if it weren't for her classes… and the rumours, she would have done so.
You shook your head at the thought of the rumours. Maybe the rumours were true, maybe you were already in a relationship with someone and you didn't even know it. There was one thing you knew, you needed to spend some time away from this life and think about what your future will be like. Maybe if you were still into her, you could have a talk. But as of now, everything was a big blur.
It didn't take long before you reached LAX and all of you had checked in. The fact that your management team had book a private jet for you was all you could ask for. You couldn't face anymore screaming fans if you were to take the commercial flight. You really needed that peace and quiet so you could have a piece of mind.
You also did notice that the entire crew had been looking at you weird; like they knew something was wrong but they just kept their distance. The problem was why do they even bother? It was not like you would cancel the entire trip just because you weren't feeling well. This had happened before and most of the time, you would be up and well the next day. Maybe this time it would be the same.
Two hours into the flight, you were already starting to feel restless. You couldn't get any phone service nor were there any WiFi. All you could do now was to get some sleep or get creative with the time you had left. Sure, you could start a conversation with your friends but you just weren't up to it at that moment. You just stared out the small window and watched at the clouds moved slowly by.
The next two hours was torture. Kurt was singing along to Madonna with his man and Quinn couldn't keep her hands off Sam. It almost made you want to puke. All of them were being so romantic to each other while you were here sitting at the back with no one to get cosy with. You mentally cursed the management team for not booking a flight with WiFi. It would definitely have been better if it did. At least you wouldn't be so annoyed at the amount of PDAs on this flight.
The last four hours were bearable. Kurt and Blaine had dozed off after much singing and Quinn had her head on Sam's chest but at least they weren't talking. You on the other hand had been stuffing your face with the food they served on the flight. There weren't much you could do other than eating or staring out the window. There were TV shows playing on the plane but you weren't too keen on watching them.
Soon you were dozing off. Your eyelids were heavy and your body had already given up to exhaustion. Your mind began to wander and your breathing had slowed tremendously. You were starting to enter a world similar to yours, with just a little more freedom.
"Brittany?" you screamed.
You awakened from your nap and began frantically searching for the blonde. Then you felt a warm hand on you, calming you down. You looked up to your left and saw her smiling back at you. She leaned closer and kissed the temple of your head before looking at you and uttering a few words.
"It's okay, babe," she spoke. "It's just a dream. We'll be landing in an hour."
Landing?
"What do you mean?" you shook your head, unable to understand the entire situation.
"For your European tour, remember?" she giggled. "That must have been one really good sleep then. C'mon, let's get you washed up and maybe have a snack."
You were beyond confused right now. Brittany shouldn't be here; she had to teach dance to the students back home. What was she doing here? You felt your hand gently being tugged by the blonde. You stood up and followed her to the small bathroom at the back of the jet. She aided you with the tap and wiped your face with care. You looked at her and a smile just plastered on your face. This had to be the best flight you've had in awhile.
"Hungry?" she asked. "Let me bring you to the galley."
You turned to the left and instantly, you were in the galley. It wasn't fancy or anything but what was important was the fact that there was plenty of food available on board. Brittany dragged you to the corner of the area before opening up one of the cabinets and took out a jar of breadsticks. Your eyes widened at the view and you could feel yourself salivating.
Brittany urged you to hold it and eat as many as you liked. You didn't waste any more time and took off the lid before munching on the sticks. You found it weird that you couldn't taste anything but you still found it delicious. Brittany stood there just admiring you from the side, waiting for you to get done with snacking before she took you back to your seat. You took a couple of breadsticks with you before putting the lid back and placed the jar in the cabinet.
"You ready, babe?" she smiled.
You nodded and stepped closer to her before giving her a hug. "Thank you."
Brittany let her arms around you and slowly walked you back to your seat. She knelt down to the left of you and looked at you with much adoration. It wasn't long till she stood up and bent down to give you a peck on the lips before she went back to her seat. You found yourself unable to lift your eyes off her. It was only when you felt your eyes becoming heavier that you did and you finally dozed off back to sleep.
"Santana, wake up," spoke someone as they lightly tapped on your shoulder. "We've landed."
You shifted in your seat as you slowly awakened from your deep slumber. As you stretched yourself in your seat, you sleepily scanned your surrounding for Brittany. Your smile instantly disappeared when you saw everyone but her. You sprung up and began frantically searching for any signs of her.
"Whoa whoa, what's the matter?" Kurt asked, clearly bewildered.
"Brittany? Where's Brittany?" you asked, panicking as you looked around for the blonde.
Kurt frowned at your words and held you by the upper arms to stop you from moving. "Brittany's in LA, we're in Dublin," he whispered.
You knew he was trying to prevent you from screaming any louder and also from Quinn overhearing it. You stared at him, still overwhelmed by the sudden incident. Your heart was racing and beads of sweat were already forming at the nape of your neck.
"It was just a dream," he told you. "Brittany's safe in LA."
You blinked continuously as you tried to make sense of the situation. It just seemed so real. You shot him a fake smile before he led you to the exit. On your way to the arrival hall, you found the time to call Brittany after the gang had walked in front of you and were far enough so they wouldn't be able to hear you.
You were not sure what time it was there but you'd promised her that you would give her a call as soon as you landed. A few rings in, the call was picked up, followed by a sleepy voice.
"Hey, sorry to disturb you," you spoke just above a whisper. "How are you?"
"It's okay, I've been waiting for your call," she replied. "I'm great. How are you?"
It's been weird. I dreamt about you being with me on the flight and now I'm sad that you aren't.
"I'm good," you said instead. "I should probably let you get some sleep. I'll call you again in a couple of hours."
"Thank you," she said. "I'm glad you got there safe."
You smiled upon the sentence and wished her goodnight before hanging up. Quinn and Kurt were waiting for you to catch up at the end of the tunnel. They were all smiles by the time you reached them. Kurt hooked his arm around yours, and dragged you and Blaine to the arrival hall while Quinn followed behind you with Sam by her side.
You were blinded by flashes and deafened by screaming fans when you entered. You thought your American fans were crazy but your Irish fans proved you wrong. They had literally mobbed the entire airport just to catch a glimpse of you. Like always, you had on a huge smile. As awful as you felt, your fans had somehow lightened the mood a little.
You briskly walked along the small walkway the airport personnel had set up so that the crowd wouldn't swallow you up in the sea of fans. The atmosphere suddenly changed when the crowd started to act more frantic. It was like they were angry that they couldn't get you to stay for a little longer. The screaming soon turned into shouting and people were pushing each other. Several security guards were deployed to handle the crowd but they were obviously outnumbered.
You felt your chest tightened by the second. It was getting harder for you to breathe. Your chest moved up and down at a rapid pace and before you realized it, you had a panic attack. Your breath had shortened so much that it made it harder for you to even carry on walking. Just like that, you felt yourself lose consciousness and your sight slowly fading to black. The last thing you remembered was you falling down with a loud thud before everything else became totally black.
