I'm so sorry that I've left you hanging! I was genuinely aiming to post twice a month, but it now glaringly obvious that will almost never happen. Life is busy, work is busy and I was sick, sick, sick for about two weeks. And to top it off I tend to procrastinate. I think about the storyline, try to work out the chapter in my head before I even attempt to write. And then, I edit. I rearrange, I second guess and then start to question EVERYTHING that I have just spent hours upon hours to get on the page. So, if you like this story at all then you really should thank Athlete Girl, who edits, points out flaws that I've never even considered, edits again and then takes the time to convince me that it is good enough, and that people DO want to read it...and then she edits AGAIN, when unable to help myself, I "fix it" just one more time. She is a Saint.
So if you are reading...and maybe waiting for more, here is an extra long chapter! Honestly, for me this chapter was like pulling teeth. But in the end Athlete Girl assures me that is better than I think. In any event, Merle and Beth are where they need to be at this moment even if it isn't where the should be according to my written timeline, that darn Beth is dragging her feet and Merle is being a bit of an A-Hole.
"The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
or
Resfeber
The restless race of a traveler's heart before the journey begins.
When anxiety, excitement and anticipation are tangled together;
A travel fever that can manifest as an illness before an adventure.
Ch12 - Resfeber
"I'm going on up to grab a shower...y'all good?" Merle asked Beth later that night as he gathered up a semi-clean change of clothes. "Yep, we are all good." She answered as she looked out the front window, not bothering to look back at him.
A few minute later Merle was ecstatic, he didn't have words to describe how it felt to stand under that hot spray in a stranger's cramped master bathroom. He was enjoying a bit of privacy and being able to work up a cleansing lather over his body was cathartic to say the least. He shook his head beneath the spray safe in the knowledge that Beth would avoid the upstairs as long as there was a possibility of catching him with his pants down. That was something that he was positive of, she wouldn't venture upstairs unless under extreme duress.
He didn't hesitate to take a little extra time to release some built up sexual tension that he had been feeling. Damn...did it feel good to have a hand on his cock again...even if it was his own. It wasn't even close to what he really wanted, but needs must and all that shit. And unless they came across another woman...a loose, highly sexed woman, then he doubted he would be getting any better than a selfie anytime soon.
I'm clean and relaxed for the first time in weeks, he told himself firmly. Ain't no reason to be pining over that slip of a girl. The thoughts he had fleetingly entertained of Beth giving him a "hand" in the shower momentarily dissipated as he thought about the fact that he still had it better than most folks at this particular moment.
Anticipating that he would be wide awake after his shower, he had told Beth that he would take first watch that night. Once he was dry and dressed in clean clothes he prowled the house, going from window to window trying to remember the lay of the land before it got too dark to see properly.
The farmhouse was tiny and old, something that an ancestor of his could have lived in once upon time. The living area where they would be sleeping was just enough room so they weren't on top of each other. The kitchen was serviceable, but what his Nana would have called a "two-butt kitchen" having more than two normal sized adults in there at the same time would be a squeeze. The dining room attached by a wide cut out, small enough that it could almost be called a eat in kitchen...he thought that originally that space must have been the farmers bedroom. A small out of date bathroom was steps away from the stove. Who in their right mind put a bathroom that close to the kitchen? He thought in distaste...better off with an outhouse. He guessed that at some point one of the owners had added the second story, which consisted of a master bedroom with an adjoining bathroom...in the 60's judging from the wallpaper and the matching avocado green toilet and sink . Maybe at one time it had been a loft or a small attic that they had raised the roof to allow for a little more room. He wondered why they didn't bump out a wall to add the stairs, because the ones they had were so narrow that his shoulders brushed the walls everytime he went up or down them.
he could hear the quiet murmur of voices coming from the bathroom at the bottom of the stairs where Beth was getting Dexy ready for bed. He paused at the top of the stairs and listened to them.
"Mama, are you going to tuck me in and sing to me?" Dexy asked loud enough to catch Merles attention. "Of course I am, don't I always?" she teased him.
"Yes, but...can you stay with me till I fall asleep...or do you got to go to a different room?" Merle could hear concern in his voice. "No, Dexy...no seperate rooms unless thats what you and I choose. Okay?" Beth's voice was excited now, "We'll be in the same bed this time. But, I'm going to take second watch...so I may not be there when you wake up. If you're scared, Merle will be there sleeping on the couch, right next to you if you need him, and I will check on you everytime I walk past the room...promise," she assured him.
Before Merle had gone upstairs for his shower, he had gotten his first real good look at the boy. Beth had scrubbed him in the bathtub and had trimmed his hair with a pair of small shears that she had found in one of the drawers. He had been dressed in a pair of blue footie pajamas with a T-Rex declaring "I have a big head, and little arms!" Now that the boy was clean with only a few fading bruises remaining, he only slightly resembled the boy that Daryl used to be, Merle didn't have that heart wrenching jolt of recognition when he looked at him. Now Dexy was more like of a whisper of a long forgotten but happy memory then some fucked up PTSD flashback.
Merle knew that as children the He and his brother could have been best described as ragged...that is if the person you were talking to was feeling generous. The Dixon boys were forever running wild, their clothes just as dirty and smelly as they were and half the time without shoes even in the coldest months. Without the layer of dirt and bruises covering him it was easier to see Dexy for who he really was, and not feel like he was looking at a living xeroxed copy of his brother...a brother who had himself ceased looking like that long ago.
Freshly rejuvenated, Merle walked past the downstairs bathroom on his way to the kitchen. Beth's back was to him, cleaning up from the haircut she had given Dexy before his bath. The boy's clothes were hanging over the edge of the tub to dry, she must have washed them while Merle had been upstairs. Merle noted that it would probably be a good idea to follow her lead and wash his own clothing before they left. Tomorrow he would look around to find some rope to set up an outdoor clothesline. The kitchen had already been cleaned up and the dishes were washed and drying in the rack by the sink. She had also taken the time to pack up everything else, and thinking ahead had moved the bags to sit beside the backdoor. Real good idea, he noted, it would be handy in case they needed to make an unexpected exit.
He walked into the den where he had dragged a mattress from one of the upstairs bedrooms. Better for them to stay close in case of an emergency, and that way Dexy wouldn't be left alone when she went on watch. He found Dexy sitting in front of the coffee table with the coloring book that he had traded them that first day he had met them at the store. Beth came into the room right behind him, moving past him and going to their packs to put away a few items.
He smiled at Dexy, but spoke to Beth, "Little Bit, you go on and get ya' self a hot bath, me and Dexy can take the first watch while ya' in there." he told her as he sat down next to Dexy. She was still wearing that filthy, ugly dress that she had been wearing since he had first laid eyes on her. She hadn't had a bath yet, even though he had offered her a little bit of alone time earlier that day. Wet wipes could only do so much, and she was looking...and smelling a little worse for wear.
She refused to look at him, but he could see the tip of one of her ears turning red, "No." Her voice sounding strangled, "I only have this one dress, why bother getting clean just to put it back on again?" she said as she continued digging through their bags.
"Ya' can wear one of my shirts, and wash that dress...should be dry by morning." He suggested. He didn't understand why she seemed to curl into herself, and watched in concern as her shoulders hunched and rounded. "No, I'll just wait." She said dismissively, and kept her stiff back to him. Merle turned his head to look speculatively at Dexy, but the boy was staring at his Mama, a grim frown was distorting the boys face making him appear much older than his years.
She stood up, and headed towards the door, "Come on Dexy, we still need to get our teeth brushed before bed." she said briskly, as she walked away not even waiting to see if the boy was following her. She was so tense that Merle, even as tactless as he was, decided to drop it, at least for now.
Unfortunately for Beth, the house seemed to be unoccupied, maybe the previous occupant had passed away or had moved. There wasnt alot left there except for the old out of date furniture and a few random boxes shoved in odd places. She was slowly working her way through the closets and had pulled out a few items that she thought that one of them could use.
Merle privately smirked at the pair of mens mismatched tube socks and one pair of mens boxers that she had sitting next to her bag. The boxers had not been opened, they must have been a gift. The recipient didn't seem to appreciate Spiderman as much as he had been thought too. He would like to see her in them, and imagined that she would look sexy as Hell in those boxers. Unfortunately the chances of that happening were slim to none. She had also had found a pair of old worn sneakers that would work for a short time even if they were too big, she could stuff the toes with newspaper and at least she wouldn't be barefoot if they needed to make a run for it.
"I'm sure that we can find ya' something better to wear at one of the farms around here." he told her and she hadn't bothered to respond. He decided that he would make time to look around in the next few days. Who knew, maybe if the defense training went well and he deemed them somewhat ready, he would take them on their first run and she would find some suitable clothes. It would be better to test Beth and Dexy in a situation where they had a safe place to return to if needed then to forge forward without a safe haven. He wanted to work on their knife skills and maybe take them to do a little shooting in a location that was far enough from the house that the dead wouldn't be crawling all over the farm afterwards. He thought that Beth would probably feel better in some clothing that covered her up more that that thin, skimpy dress did.
He listened with half an ear as the girl sang the boy to sleep, but kept his attention on perimeter surveillance. Best to not get too distracted by her, also probably for the best not to make her anymore uncomfortable then she already was by staring at her for too long as he had a tendency to do. Because underneath the grime and the greasy hair, he couldn't help but notice that Beth Greene was a beautiful woman.
Merle checked the night sky as he silently opened the window in the upstairs bedroom to let in a breath of fresh night air. Something had changed between them he reflected, he couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly. But it was just her overall attitude, she had just...gone cold...and she seemed to be avoiding him at all costs. It was strange, because she hadn't seemed to have any problems telling him her thoughts or opinions before they got to the farm. Now when she spoke to him her answers were short, or she communicated in small smiles or shoulder shrugs. He was damn sure that it wasn't his imagination...she was more on edge tonight then she had been in days, maybe even worse than the day that they first met. In a rare act of decency, he planned on just taking a step back and let her work it out in her own time. Could be that she was on her lady days and that was why she was acting so off. If that was the case, he would just leave her to it and hope she had all the girly products she needed.
The night watch went by fast with nothing to warrant the use of his knife or of his gun, couldn't ask for better than that. He woke the girl around 3:00 AM, and she sleepily rolled out from the full size mattress where she had been curled around the boy. She yawned and paused only to slip on her sneakers over the long adorably mismatched tube socks that she was wearing. Before she walked away, she made sure that Dexy was still tucked in tight, then she silently slipped from the room with only a slight nod in Merle's direction.
Beth had put two thin pillows and a blanket on the threadbare couch for Merle. It was a bit short for him to fully lay down on, but honestly he had slept in far worse places. If anything, Dixons knew how to make the best of a situation. One of the lessons he had learned a young age was to take what was given without complaint, go without...or to go out and try to get yourself something better on your own. Standing next to the couch he stopped to stretch out his back, he sighed in satisfaction as it gave several loud pops. Tiredly he sat down, unlacing his boots and kicking them off sluggishly before he sprawled back across the couch. Wearily he crossed his legs, and put his feet up on the padded arm as he settled down comfortably. He could hear the old floorboards creaking under Beth's feet as she passed through the hallway from the kitchen, past the bathroom and up the stairs. Exhausted he closed his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.
Dexy startled awake, was there a bear in the room with him? He was sure that he had heard a bear growling. Where were Mama and Merle? Had the bear got them? Was he alone with a hungry bear...and then reality hit hard...or worse could it be a Dead One in the room with him? Panic-stricken, he lay completely still, a skill he had developed living with the bad men. Knowing that it was better to pretend to sleep because they would sometimes leave you alone. Slowly he slid his hand around under the covers searching for Beth.
She was gone, had been for some time...his feet were so cold without her there. Was Merle still here, or was he all alone in the room with the bear...or a Dead One? Slowly he rolled over and looked at the couch where he knew that Merle should be. Heaving a sigh of relief, when he saw Merle profile in the dim light from the window, was right where he said he was going to be. He felt his breathing slow, already feeling better just knowing that someone was in the room with him...even if that someone was sleeping.
But, still...there was that bear to worry about. Wait a minute, was that bear noise coming from Merle? Dexy held his breath and waited, Yes, it definitely was coming from Merle! How had Merle managed to hide from the Dead Ones when he made so much noise in his sleep? Dexy couldn't help but to think that it was a good thing that he and Mama...Beth, had found Merle. It was clear that Merle needed them just as much as he and Beth needed Merle, even if he didn't know it yet.
He lay there for another moment, and in the quiet moments in between the loud growling that Merle was doing he could hear quiet movement coming from the front room. Then Merle shifted, half rolled facing him and the bear sounds stopped. Dexy listened, but only the sound of Merle's heavy breathing could be heard coming from the space between them.
He was startled once again when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but it was just Beth walking past the doorway. He could hear her walking into the kitchen and then up the stairs on her endless loop of peering out windows on the lookout for anything that would threaten their safety.
Dexy lay in the bed still half asleep, trying to decide if he should get up and follow Beth. He had just began to nod off but startled when Merle shifted and let out another loud snore, making Dexy jump, and refocus his attention back to Merle. Shrugging he grabbed the blue blanket off the bed and drug it behind him like a real living Linus. Fearlessly he approached the couch where Merle was lying face up with his own blanket pushed down to his feet.
As he crept up next to Merle, he could feel the heat coming off the sleeping man. His decision made, he slowly climbed up onto the couch. Trying his best not to wake Merle, he placed his small hand in the middle of Merles broad chest and clumsily heaved himself up. Wobbling unsteadily, he somehow kept ahold of his blanket, but in doing so he accidentally jammed his knee into the man's crotch before he could steady himself.
Merle shot straight up, dislodging the already teetering boy from his lap. "Wha' ya' doin' boy?" Merle groused, only his quick reflexes allowing him to grab a fistful of onesie before the boy toppled backwards off the couch. He eyed the boy his expression equal parts irritation and exhaustion, while keeping his tight fisted grip on the boy and not allowing him to fall.
"Shhhhh...you'th making really loud bear noises!" Dexy whispered to him in an anxious voice. Merle blinked at him owlishly before hauling him up to his lap and letting his grip on the boy relax. Dexy clambered the rest of the way over, making Merle give a grumble of objection as the little boy delivered another sharp jab with his knee, this time to his stomach.
"You gunna make the Dead come, you'th so loud! So, I'm going to protect you when you sleep….kay?" He said around his thumb as he struggled to wiggled himself between Merle and the back of the couch. Bravely he slid his cold feet up, finding the gap between Merle's pants and shirt to press his feet to the warm skin that he found there.
"Jesus H. Christ, boy! You feet are like fuckin' ice cubes." Merle growled as he pushed the small frozen feet roughly away. Still half asleep and muttering to himself, he pulled his shirt between his bare skin and the ten cold toes that seemed intent on sucking the heat from him. Once he had the shirt firmly in place, he yanked the small icy feet back to the same spot, but over his shirt. Placing both his warm large hands over the small icy feet to hold them in place and keep them from finding any more exposed skin, even as he was grumbling in protest as being used as the boys personal heater.
Dexy sighed happily, as Merles body heat quickly warmed him up.
He didn't understand grown-ups, they were so confusing! Merle sure was so grumpy most of the time, he always seemed to be nicer when he was occupied or busy doing other things. Merle didn't seem to mind when he asked him lots of questions about the guns and knives. Merle took his time and answered everything he had asked, and made sure that he understood. He hadn't gotten mad even once, even when he had to explain something to him more than a few times. Frustrated yes, but not mad. Not like Joe...Joe didn't like to tell him anything more than once.
At first whenever Merle would talk, Dexy thought that he sounded a lot like Len. But after spending some time with him, he knew that while you couldn't trust Len, it was probably okay to trust Merle. And while Joe had always talked real nice to him, his eyes had always been mean...cold. The exact opposite of Merle, who talked kinda mean sometimes, but he had friendly eyes. Merle never looked him with eyes that made his insides colder than his feet had been, like Dan had looked at him. Merle yelled a lot, but he didn't hit, push or make him feel small.
It was true that Merle talked loud...too loud for Dexy to feel really comfortable with. But he never made fun of him the way that Len and Dan had. Merle could move real fast when he needed to, yet he never tried to intimidate him with his much larger body the way the other bad men had.
Maybe Merle was more like his Daddy, he tried to picture Daddy in his mind, and was troubled when all the memories of his life before the Dead One, were fuzzy and fading, including those of his Mommy and Daddy. He did remember that Daddy had been very, very tall. He was the tallest Daddy of all the Daddys who picked up kids at his daycare. Daddy had dark hair, while he had hair the same color as Mommys. It bothered him that he couldn't quite remember what his Daddy's face looked like. What color was Daddy's eyes? He tried hard to remember, but all he could picture was Joe's and Marle's blue eyes. It made him so sad that he wanted to cry. He may not be able to remember everything about his Daddy but he could remember how Daddy made him feel...safe and loved. He always felt safe and loved with Daddy, and now he felt safe with Merle.
Maybe Merle was more like Mr. Otis who worked on the Greene Farm...but not really. Mr. Otis liked to pretend to be mean, but he really wasn't, and he had the feeling that Merle could be pretty mean if he didnt like you. Good thing that Merle liked him, and he liked Merle...because he thought he was going to learn how to be mean to people if he had to be. If he had been like Merle than the bad men would have ran the other way when they saw him. He had never met anyone quite like Merle before, so he had no place in his young mind to categorize him into that seemed to be a perfect fit.
Dexy didn't understand grown-ups, but he did understand food. He had alway hated vegetables, they were all yuck. If it was green then he did NOT want it on his plate... except for broccoli, he adored broccoli, broccoli was his favorite thing ever. He liked it raw with ranch dressing, he liked how Mommy steamed it for dinner at home. At the cafeteria at Daddy's work, they put some sort of seasoning on it, and he liked it that way too. Maybe all the men in this new world were like vegetables, and Merle was the broccoli. Maybe broccoli and Merle were in the same category!
He didn't know anyone else who talked the way Merle did, so loud and with all the bad words. He knew that Merle said bad words, because once Daddy had hit his thumb with a hammer trying to hang something for Mommy, and he had said "FUCK!" Now that Dexy thought about it, Daddy had even had said it in a loud growly kind of way, not like his regular voice. Dexy thought if he had known Merle back then, that he would have thought that his Daddy sounded like Merle at that moment.
Mommy had gotten real mad at Daddy for using a "cuss" in front of their son.
If Mommy got mad a Daddy for saying "FUCK!" and Dexy could only remember Daddy only doing it that one time, then what would Mommy have thought about Merle? Not only did Merle say it...he said it a lot..too many times a day to count...Dexy knew because he had tried to count all the "FUCKS!" that Merle said in a day once when they were stuck in that small room together. But it wasn't long before he had run out of numbers that he knew. By then Merle had used it 29 plus...lots and lots of PLUS! He had already stopped counting by the time lunch was ready. Merle had the whole other half of the day where Dexy didn't even bother count the rest of those "FUCKS!" that Merle had used. He thought that maybe Merle just might like the word "FUCK!" the same way that he liked broccoli.
Once, before the Dead Ones had started walking...Dexy had been playing with a boy in his daycare and Mommy heard him say "What the…!" It was something that he had heard the other boys at school use sometimes, he didn't even know that it was even a bad thing to say. But Mommy said it was, and that it implied a cuss. And he had better not do it again.
But he forgot, and before he knew it that bad almost cuss slipped right out of his mouth, right in front of Mommy. She put pepper on his tongue for using bad language, pepper was yuck! After that he made sure never to say it again! He idly wondered if Merle's Mamma had ever put pepper on his tongue for using bad words. Judging from the amount of times that Merle used that bad cuss, his guess would be "No!"
Despite Merle's potty mouth, Dexy decided that he really, really liked him.
Merle made him feel safe, and he was going to help teach him how to keep Mamma...Beth safe. That alone was a good enough reason for Dexy to get past the loud way Merle talked and all the bad cuss words that he used. And Merle had smashed the cage that Len had made him go into! At first the anger in Merles eyes had scared him...but then he realized that Merle wasn't mad at him...Merle was mad at Len. Merle told him that he was going to make sure that he would never have to go in a cage again, ever. Merle had promised it, and Dexy beleived him.
And then there was the other the way that Merle looked at him. It was the same way that Daddy looked at him. It seemed to him, that he had the same kind of love in his eyes that Daddy always had in his. And Dexy noticed right away that Merle's eyes always seemed more...more Daddish when he talked about Baby Brother.
He had been thinking about it hard ever since Merle had started teaching him about guns and knives. If bad men could just keep you because they wanted to, then why couldn't a good boy like him decide to keep someone if he really, really wanted to?
Just after this startling thought he had prayed to God about it, just like his Mommy and Daddy had taught him to do. He explained to God that the difference between him keeping Merle, and Joe keeping him and Beth was just like the difference between broccoli and brussel sprouts. One was oh, so very, very good...the other, not so much. And he would be real good to Merle, never yell at him, and he would never hit him. He would never, never make Merle feel bad, the way that Len and Dan had made him and Beth feel. He would do his very best to make sure that Merle never wanted to leave them. He had explained this to God, reasoning that if Merle stayed with them willingly, then really it would be like they were really keeping each other.
What was it that Cody from daycare always said? Oh yeah, finders keepers...losers weepers. Maybe once they found this Baby Brother that Merle was always talking about, then they could keep him too!
He had always wanted to have a baby brother of his very own, just like Cody had. He promised himself that when they found Merle's Baby Brother, that he would do his very best to share Mamma...Beth, with him without being jealous. He would be the best big brother that he could be, and teach him all about guns and knives. It was clear that Baby Brother was very important to Merle, so that made him important to Dexy too. So he would protect him, make sure that the Dead never got him.
Besides, little boys needed to have a Momma and a Daddy to take care of them! And he had a Momma...sort of, that he was more than willing to share with Baby Brother. And Baby Brother had a….he had a Merle, and a Merle was kinda sorta like a Daddy. Baby Brother should share his Merle with him. If Baby Brother didn't know how to share, it would be okay because he would teach him how. Because if he knew anything at all about being a big brother, it was that you had to go out of your way to teach the new baby the ropes. It was what big brothers did best.
Dexy leaned in to pat the sleeping mans face, pulling his thumb out of his mouth he told him in a knowing voice, "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers, and I found you fair and square...so that means that I get to keep you. We get to keep each other, so we are Like a family." Popping his thumb back into his mouth, Dexy lay back down and cuddled into Merles warmth. It wasn't long before the sound Merles deep breathing and his body heat soothed the little boy back to sleep.
Beth rested her head against the door jam, her shoulders slumped. After listening to the little boys words, she was just going to have to find a way to make this work. Dexy wasn't the type of child that just bonded with strangers, even before the Dead started walking. Somehow in the short time that that they had been together Merle had become important to the little boy.
She needed to think of the future, what if something happened to her? What if when they finally made it to the farm, Daddy and Maggie weren't there? If either of those things happened, then Dexy was going to need other people to care for him. No, not just anyone. Someone strong, someone who had the skills and the will to survive, and Merle Dixon had both of those things in spades. Something made Dexy pick Merle Dixon as the person that he wanted. He even called him family, any protest that she might have given to that would just sound petty.
Yesterday, she had a chance to leave, she had thought about it long and hard before choosing to stay and take her chances with Merle. The risks were far too great for her to jeopardize Dexy by heading out on their own with so many unknown variables. Even if traveling with and putting her faith in a complete stranger was something that she would rather not do, she knew that at this moment she wasn't adequately prepared for the new harsh realities of daily life. She realized that she needed to put Dexy's needs before her own, even if Merle Dixon had roving eyes and was teaching Dexy swear words at an astonishing rate. It was an irrefutable fact, that she needed him more than he needed her...but, he still needed her.
Merle Dixon was a enigma, one that was hard for her to wrap her head around. Just looking at him you could surmise that he had lived a rough life, one that had in many ways made him more suited for this life than the average man had been. She worried about his propensity to take offense even when none was given...that along with a seemingly hair trigger temper might put them in more danger than they were avoiding by traveling with him. But to be fair he also seemed to cool down almost at fast, at least from what she had seen so far. There was a hardness about him that none of the men in her life possessed, and she worried that he may crush Dexys tender heart. And while to an outside observer it would seem that he had no softness in him, she knew better. But she had to wonder if Merle had ever willingly let anyone other than the beloved Daryl close enough to see that side of him.
Maybe it was because of their forced time together, or maybe now that the Dead had become the undead he might be more willing to open himself up to one of the few remaining living. But that thick wall of his had a crack that she had been able to see through, and she had caught a glimmer of his inner light. Oh, he patched up that crack as soon as it had appeared, but she had seen it. And she couldn't fail to notice that even in the short time that they had been together he seemed to a certain weakness(?)...at least where Dexy was concerned.
And for some unknown reason, she thought that maybe that weakness might extended to her too.
The silent way that he watched her made her uncomfortable, and felt like he was always watching her. At odd moments, she would see a sudden lust flare in his eyes...the pure want in them made her insides freeze in fear. Other times he would look at her with such a knowing expression on his face, that it felt like he could see right into her very soul, and that he found it beautiful. That Merle Dixon somehow found her worthy of his time and of his protection. She wasn't sure, but she thought that maybe that second look scared her just as much.
Then there was the large amount of alcohol that he had, she watched as he had methodically transferred it all into her car, taking an exorbitant amount of time to insure that it was all safely stored, just so. She had yet to see him actually drink any of it, but she had a feeling that he was a man who liked his booze, maybe more than he liked most people. He had mentioned that if the need arose they could be used for trade, and that made a certain amount of sense to her. But, if at any point he started drinking she would need to leave him behind. She wouldn't willingly stay with a drunk, this she knew for a fact.
Afterall, Daddy was the best man around, but he was the first to admit that he was a mean drunk. If drink could do that to someone like her religious, kindhearted Daddy, then she would hate to see what someone like Merle would be like under the influence.
Merle had spent the morning working with Dexy, and the exhausted little boy willingly went to lay down for his nap after lunch. Merle decided that it was a good time to work with Beth on some hand to hand fighting on the back lawn.
They had been out there for almost two hours, and Beth wasn't showing him anything that he could work with. She was being too timid...where was that spunky firecracker that he had met that first day? He could see that she was afraid...but was it of him or of being in any situation where a man wanted to control her? He wasn't quite sure. But to his way of thinking, this was what she needed to work on the most. Her fear of men, and of being touched. Better she learn to deal with him now, then to wait until some unknown man tried to pull any of this shit on her.
The fact that she seemed unwilling to put any real effort into it was pissing him the Hell off. Weren't nothing he hated more than a slacker.
With no real plan in place, he decided to give her a taste of the Dixon treatment. And if it gave him the excuse to put his hands all over her...well then, wasn't he was just giving them what they both so desperately needed? And that is what he was going to tell himself until he believed it to be true. So he stopped pulling back so much, and started to really make her work. He blocked her exits, that before he had been allowing. He had knocked her on her ass so many times that he imagined that by now it was even more bruised than it had been the first day that they had met. The last time she had bitten the dust he got a peek under that dress, instead of bruises he got an eye-full of those Spider-Man boxers, and the sight of those red and blue boxers made him grin in satisfaction.
Between his lewd comments and his manhandling of her, he decided that she was either going to break or she was going to step the fuck up. It had to be one or the other...this half hearted bullshit was going to stop! If she stepped up, Awesome! It would mean that they could move forward. if she broke, even better. Then there was a chance she could begin to heal. That she might be able to be put back together stronger than she had been, even before the break. But if she broke...then that would mean time. Time for her to begin healing from the trauma. Because right now she was clearly avoiding what happened to her, only talking about it abstractly and putting it away to deal with another day. He was afraid that they may not have the time to deal with it. But better here than somewhere out on the road.
After their short but intense time together stuck in that small office, Beth found that she liked Merle despite himself. His whole personality seemed to be based on being as obnoxious as possible, then switching to a kind of distorted southern charm. But she quickly found out that liking Merle from a distance was one thing, but having someone like Merle Dixon up close and in her personal space was a whole different thing.
How could such a burly man be so agile? She found herself wondering, intimidated by his quick reflexes. His hulking presence disturbed her, making her hyper aware of his overpowering body heat as it soaked into her tired muscles every time his powerful arms had her within his grasp. With his breath caressing her neck and hot in her ear, both her body and her mind would freeze. And try as she might to fight the panic that threatened to overwhelm her, as soon as he held her against his oppressive heat and she had the slightly salty smell of his sweat invade her nose, absolutely everything that he had been teaching her would fly right out of her head.
And to top it off Merle Dixon was a big jerk! If his proximity wasn't enough to throw her off balance then the things he said to her unequivocally were. Most of his suggestions were downright obscene!
He seemed to alternate between yelling at her and sexually harassing her. And he appeared to enjoy coming up with the most vile, sexual nicknames that made her skin crawl. Things that made her fantasize about washing his mouth out with soap. Worse every time he wrestled her to the ground she could feel his obvious...excitement...poking her! When he held her down, he made no attempt to hide it, in fact he seemed to be proud of himself and his stupid penis. Without fail he would offer some suggestions on how she could help him out as he wedged himself between her thighs.
Oversexed opportunist that he was!
Laying in the dirt with his voice hot and husky in her ear she found to her complete and utter mortification, that it had the power to make her frozen body melt and then start to liquefy in ways that she wasn't ready to examine just yet. She actually liked his voice, unnerved as she was by what it was that he was saying, "Go down South, an' put it in ya' mouth"...and she hated that she liked it. It sound like someone had poured honey all over that naturally gravelly voice of his, making his already low pitched voice...dulcet, almost velvety as he made those scandalous suggestions.
Gravel and honey would be the death of her.
"NO! Girl ya' gotta fight back! You can't just stand there like a hooker waiting on ah' John!" Merle gripped. "I've seen more fight in a cadaver...literally!" He hissed in her ear, as he held her in a loose head lock under his sweaty armpit. "If ya' ain't going to even try, t'en I don' wanna waste my time or energy." He stated as he pushed her roughly away from his body, his southern twang growing with his irritation.
Beth pitched forward at his abrupt release, just managing to stay on her feet as she struggled to catch her breath. "I am trying! I know it doesn't look like it, but I am. I'm not giving up...are you? Are you giving up on me, Merle?" She challenge him as she finally looked him straight in the eye. She felt disappointment mixed with just a small amount of relief as he turned and walked away from her, than just relief when she realized he was only stepping over to get a drink of water.
He wiped the sweat off his brow and took a long swallow of lukewarm water before answering, "Nah girl, I ain't givin' up. But, I sure as shit got better thins' to do if you ain't going to start putting some effort into it." Beth looked down at her feet, as he continued, "Ya' gotta at least give it all ya' got! Don't ya' ever make it easy for anyone to take you down. Gotta' remember ya' not only fightin' for ya'self, ya' also fightin' for that boy too." His voice was thick with frustration.
He had been feeling his frustration growing, as he pushed her nonstop the last hour, goading her with his angry sometimes blatantly sexist words. Beth was beyond tired, her body felt rubbery and her muscles burned in agony. She was beginning to wonder if she would be able to move tomorrow.
"Fine!" She she said shortly. Feeling her irritation swell, He keeps telling me to fight dirty, I'm taking him down this time, no matter what it takes! She swore to herself as she got up and dusted the dirt off her scraped up knees.
"Ok girl, get ready 'cause here I come." He warned her, only to be surprised when Beth screamed and ran at him. He shook his head in exasperation, swiping one of his beefy fists out half heartedly, planning on knocking her on her ass again. That was the least that she deserved for communicating her move in advance like that. He reckoned, but he was surprised when he hit only air.
She had thrown herself under his arms, attempting to tackle him at the hips. She only managed to push him back a few steps, before he planted his feet making himself unmovable. He reached down for her but only felt strands of her oily hair as it slipped through his fingers. Sinking to the ground, she wrapped her arms around one of his leg while at the same time kicking out at his other leg with her feet.
Laying on the ground tangled around his legs, he found himself amused by her antics despite himself. "Girl, what the fuck ya' trying to do?" Bewilderment softened his tone, "I know for a fact I told you NOT to let anyone get you on the ground, and here you are puttin' ya'self there!" he huffed as he looked down at her. Beth bared her teeth at him, growling as she found purchase with her feet against his other leg. Then she doubled her efforts, using her body as a lever as she continued to forcefully push his legs apart. Although petite, growing up riding horses had given her an amazing amount of lower body strength that she was now using to her advantage.
Merle could feel his center of gravity shift, and knew without a doubt that he was going down. His arms windmilled comically as he tried valiantly to stay on his feet, but she had successfully maneuvered him in such a way as to make his weight work against him. He twisted his body as he went down so that all his weight went down on his ass and his back..better than his hands and face he thought as he went down. "I'm going to fuckin' kill her!" he decided as he started to feel himself topple.
He came down hard, but quickly rolled over and made a wild grab for her. She tried to fight him off, but he was too strong, and they rolled twice before coming to a stop in a tangle of arms and legs. Breathing heavily, he managed to pin her with his larger body and bulky weight.
Reaching out he easily caught her wrists, wrenching them up and pinning them above her head, even as his hips were pinning hers to the hard ground. His still raging erection hard against her barely covered core. He couldn't help but grind himself into her heat, as he placed his head against her breasts, whipping his sweaty brow on her dirty dress.
Thankfully she had the sense to hold herself absolutely still until he pulled himself together.
Looking up he couldn't help the smirk that came to his lips, nor the rusty laugh that escaped them, "What exactly was you expecting to accomplish? Did you mean to put ya'self in this position?" He rolled his hips again as he leered down at her. "I don' think so, 'cause there's not a man alive that wouldn't want to find himself between ya' sweet thighs."
Beth stared up at him, her eyes wide and her breasts heaving as a gasp of shock left her lips. Then she started to struggle in earnest, trying to lift him off her using her legs and hips. It was obvious to her that it was having the opposite effect when she felt Merle harden even more as he pushed back down into her softness. Tilting his head slightly he just stared at her, his eyes had gone half lidded and greedy. Thankfully he still seemed to be holding himself back, but not by much. The conflict in his eyes showed that he was fighting the temptation to give in to his less than noble feelings.
She met his eyes as a soft moan fell from her lips. Her eyes went cloudy, and her eyelashes fluttered shut as she turned away from him, her flushed face full of shame. Merle lowered his face trying to catch a glimpse of her eyes, to see if there was any lust in them. Please, let her want me as much as I want her at this moment, was all he could think before she shyly raised her lips up to his. It took everything he had to stay stationary as he waited for her to make the first move.
It seemed to take forever, and then her lips were next to his. But she wasn't kissing him as much as she seemed to be sharing his very breath. And then...oh, so very softly, her lips were at the corner of his. Still he somehow managed to hold himself motionless, waiting to see if she could gather enough courage to kiss him. Even almost almost out of his mind with lust and frustration, he was still able to recognized that it would be important that she was the one to make the first move. But she better fuckin' hurry, or he was going to lose his shit. He could feel her straining to pull her hands free from his hold. He had forgotten that he was still holding them captive and he gently loosened his grip, letting her pull them to freedom.
Tentatively she reached up, one liberated hand caressing his cheek, while the other stole around the back of his neck to fist and into his hair, drawing him to her. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head resting his weathered cheek in the cradle of her hand, seeming to want to take a moment to soak up her gentle touch.
Drawing both her hands down to his chest, where they rested they only for a moment before they ghosted back up to his shoulders. Insistently she pushed him to the side so she could take charge. He was more than happy to let her be in control...in fact she could do anything she wanted as long as she kept touching him. Willingly he complied to her silent demands, rolling them both over, even as he tried to claim her mouth, only acquiring a mouth full of dirty hair as a reward.
Then there was pain, white hot and blinding. Merle howled as he reached down to grab his bruised balls, his body convulsing in agony even as he heard the sound of a gun cocking near his left temple. When he felt the cold muzzle against his head he pulled away and squinted to look down the barrel of the gun...of his fuckin' gun... and above it Beth's wide blue eyes.
"You fuckin' little cock-tease!" he hissed at her as he rolled over and away from her, using the ground to protect his nuts just in case she tried to aim another boney knee in their direction.
All he could hear was his labored breathing as he lay, his face in the dusty crushed grass as he tried to decide if he was going to throw up or pass out...but that only lasted for a few seconds. Then louder than his panting breaths, the sound of Beth whooping and laughing, exuberant in her accomplishment. He rolled his head so that he could see what in the Hell she was doing.
A victory dance. A victory dance, was what in the hell she appeared to be doing. A very, very enthusiastic victory dance.
Well, he thought spitfully she certainly had a lot to celebrate. Not only had she managed to get him on the ground, she had also successfully swipe his gun without him feeling a damn thing. That dirty little tramp...was the only thought he could seem to form as he lay in the dirt glaring up at her.
"Come on Merle...you told me to play dirty!" Beth said once she stopped trying to recreate the scene from Rocky. She carefully stepped closer to his prone form, making sure that she was still well out of arm's reach. She doubted she would catch him off guard again. And the look on his face told her that he wasn't about to congratulate her on taking him down.
'Run." He spit out, "Run fast, because once I get up I'm going to kill you." He snarled, and the fierce look in his eyes made her back up a step.
"Come on Merle! The last few days, you've repeated told me to fight dirty." She lowered her voice, doing an alarmingly accurate imitation of him, "be aggressive...yadda, yadda...don't be timid...yadda, yadda...never do things by halves...yadda, yadda...go all in...yadda, yadda." I've been listening, to everything you say! I trust what you tell me, I just needed to feel confident enough to follow through. I thought you would be proud of me...you should be proud of me!" she accused indignantly.
She gave him a rueful smile, "At least I didn't use my teeth, or try to bash your brains in like you told me too." She sat down in the dust, watching him reproachfully at a distance as she picked blades of grass out of the ground at her feet.
He closed his eyes as he slumped back into the grass and dust. "Smart ass-cooze." His voice was still bitter, but his body was starting to relax into the crushed grass, even if he was still holding a protective hand over his damaged testicals.
"I aint ever said "yadda, yadda" in my fuckin' life." He said reproachfully, sounding insulted. To which Beth gave an unladylike snort. He bit back the bile in his throat and opened one squinty eye to give her a dirty look "I guess I'll let you live...this time. But if you ever, and I mean EVER touch my balls again, it better be when you're fondling them as you put them in your mouth...do we have an understanding?" He snapped.
"Yes, yes we do." She agreed, her voice petulant, "Just because I managed to take you down, doesn't mean that you have to be so hostile...or such a vulgar asshole!" She swiftly responded, leaning away from him. "And totally I agree with you, it would be best to not touch each other sexually." She said, her eyebrows raised high.
"Nah, girl. That is not what I said at all, what I said was...don't ya' be touchin' my fuckin' balls, unless sex is what you are after. I'ma always going to say "yes" to having my dick wet with a willing woman. Hell, if you give me some time I would still give it to you...bruised balls and all. Even with you smelling like a fuckin' outhouse, I would still fuck you if you said you wanted it, 'cause I'm a man, and I'd fuck just about anything." he said spitefully.
Beth pulled back as if slapped, her face draining of color then immediately flushing an angry red. She stood up, and glared down at Merle telling him cuttingly. "You're a real jackass...you know that?" She turned away taking a few steps, then turned back briskly walking back to him. Kicking the ground in front of him angry, sending a cloud of dust and dead grass into the air, where it hung almost weightless before floating lazaly down covering his face and getting into his eyes.
Her voice was frigid, when she continued. "I did what you told me to do. NO...I did what you've been demanding of me all afternoon. And you've done nothing but belittle and demean me every chance that you got. You've found fault in everything that I've done and everything that I didn't. Telling me the perverted things that you want to do one moment, and then in the same breath you call me names for failing to live up to your expectations! And when I finally do exactly what you asked, it's still not good enough?! Repeatedly you said that I needed to do whatever it took to turn things to my advantage. And when I do, you resent me for it? You know what...nevermind. I need a break, from this...but mostly from you. Watch Dexy." She demanded tersely as she stomped away, headed out into the field, away from the house, away from him.
And being who he was, of course he couldn't help himself. Merle Dixon always needed to have the last word.
"And you wouldn't be so offended, if what I said wasn't true!" He yelled at her retreating back. "FUCK YOU...when you get back, I'm going to throw ya' stinky ass in the tub...I'll go see if they have any bleach in the house!" He was disappointed when instead of responding she threw him the bird over her shoulder and just kept walking.
He lay there sullenly as he watched her walk away. Already regretting his words and lack of restraint. Fuck he had a big ass mouth. Why the hell had he said those things, and to her of all people? Because, he was an crass motherfucker...that's why.
He knew why he was really angry...and it had nothing to do with the girl rackin' him in the balls. The real issue was that he was mad at that slip of a girl because she had fooled him into thinking that she wanted him. Then she had made it clear that she didn't, it was all just part of the lesson he himself had been teaching her. And it rankled, because he wanted her, more than that...he wanted her to want him. She had played him like a fool, had been fuckin' blindsided by her. She was nothing if not quick on the uptake.
She was right, he was a jackass. That wasn't news to him. In fact it was one of his main personality traits, an essential part of his makeup...it was a dominant trait in the Dixon genepool. He had been called a lot worse, but for some reason this one stung. He wondered if it was because he really deserved the things she had said, or if it was because in the long run her opinion of him mattered more than anyone else's had? Never before had i he felt the need to apologize for being...well, him, until now.
He didn't have much time to ponder that important question, because about that time he was looking up into Dexy's blue eyes as the little boy leaned over his prone body.
"Hey, little man...What…" Merle started to say as he sat up, but Dexy pulled his thumb out of his mouth, and shook his head sadly.
"She don't like bafs no more." Dexy said looking down at him with solemn eyes.
"I'z' that so." Merle uttered drily in mock surprise..
"Nope. Joe, he got real mad at Mamma. 'Cause she tol' him..."NO!" to takin' a baf'."
Joe tol' her that he was in charge not her, tol' her he would beat her, but she still said "No". They fight for a long time and then Joe pick her up and made her get in the tub, made her get all clean."
The little boy searched for the right words, before continuing. "They was in the bathroom in the room we was sleeping in. The door was shut, but I could hear 'em in there. I didn't like it...scared me." He put his thumb back in his mouth.
Merle sat up, giving Dexy his full attention. "Why did it scare you so much Dexy?"
"Mama and Joe din' fight...she just always did what he said. But that day she was screaming and Joe was yellin'. When they came out Joe was real tired and his clothes was all wet from the fight in the tub." He blinked at Merle, and lowered his voice "Mamma cried and cried and cried. Joe was...different, after that."
"How so?" Merle questioned, Dexy just shrugged noncommittally as he shoved that thumb back in again.
Merle took Dexy's hand, pulling his thumb back out of his mouth. "You know why your Mamma was afraid?" He asked him gently.
Dexy shook his head "Joe asked her and she tol' him that it was 'cause of Len. Bad Len did some'thin that made her scared, but don't know what." He frowned, his face screwed up in concentration. "Was somethin' bad, 'cause after that only Billy and Joe watched Mamma and me...Joe, he didn' let Dan or Len alone with us anymore after that."
"Who's Billy?" Merle asked, Beth had never mentioned him in all the times that she talked about the Claimers.
Dexy shruged, "Billy was with the others...maybe he was only kinda bad. Sometimes he gave me toys." He said as he pulled a little yellow matchbox car from his pocket and showed it to Merle. "He give Mamma stuff sometimes. Never hurt us...never helped us. Do you think that means that he was still bad like the Dan, Len and Joe?" He looked up at Merle questioningly.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Merle quoted. Dexy just stared at him in confusion "Maybe Billy was a good man before the turn, but he was still a real limp-dick." Merle added.
"What's a "limp-dick"? Dexy innocently asked.
Merle let out an unrestrained burst of laughter, and grinned at the little boy. "Means he was a little chicken-shit of a man. A gutless coward, probably even before you knew him. He let stronger men lead him, because he was too soft to do it himself. It means he didn't have the balls to make it on his own." Dexy still looked confused but nodded in agreement.
"Billy and the other lady they had wit' us are dead. All the other ladies that they took are dead too. Bad Dan...he killed lots of ladies and some older boys." Dexy scratched his head, "Joe said Dan broke all his toys, that's why he couldn't play with us. He said Mamma was too smart...too useful, so he was keeping her for himself, that the Dan and Len could have all the other ladies that they took."
"Where there alot of other ladies that the bad men took, Dexy?"
"Oh, yes...lots, and lots!" Dexy said spreading his arms out wide.
"Joe said one was enough for him. Said that Mamma was just to his liking, was wasteful to take more than you needed. Dan killed his real fast. Len kept his, but he killed them all too."
Did Billy take lots of girls too?
Dexy shook his head. "'Billy sometime shared a room with the girl that was there already there. But she shared a room with Dan and Len too. She was younger than Mamma, but was there longest." Dexy sat down next to Merle in the grass, before adding. "Then one day they was just gone. I thought Billy left and took her. I was real mad at him, 'cause he could have taken me and Momma if he was going anyway. Then Len said that she killed herself, that she killed Billy."
He sighed "I felt bad for being mad at them, I wished that they had really ran away. She should have gotten to see her Mommy and Daddy again."
Merle took Dexy inside to clean up and maybe look into getting some dinner ready. He wasn't sure when Beth would be back, she was justifiably angry and it might take her sometime to work it out. He seemed to have that effect on people.
He walked into the downstairs bath, wetting a washcloth and began to clean the dirt from his face. Glancing into the mirror, he grimaced at his reflection. Looking like his old man was a mindfuck.
Beth was gone a few hours, but everytime he looked out the window he could see he off in the distance so he just let her be. When she finally made it back into the house her face was impassive and she had her walls up. Merle was just putting dinner on the table, she seemed calm enough, if a bit preoccupied and thankfully unafraid of him as she moved past him to her place at the table. Dexy looked up at her worriedly, "Mamma, okay?" he asked her around the straw of his juice box. Leaning over she gave him a quick hug 'Yeah Baby, I'm good now. I just needed some alone time." she sat down as Merle put the last item on the table and sat down himself. They sat and ate in an uncomfortable silence, Beth actively avoiding eye contact with Merle.
"I suck at apologies, so...unfuck you...or whatever." Merle said around a mouth full of corn, he continued eating but his eyes were locked on her face.
At his words Beth looked up, her eyes finally connecting with his. "You're right, you totally suck at apologies." her voice was tart with pique.
However she seemed to realize that this was about the best that she could expect from Merle regarding any admission of wrongdoing on his part, and they went back to the meal in silence as if by some unspoken agreement. Dexy bolted down the last of his food, and jumped down from his chair saying, "Goin' go look at my book." as he hastily retreated, clearly uncomfortable with the strained atmosphere in the room.
When they had finished eating and had cleaned up the dirty dishes, Beth started to walk out of the kitchen. Merle's gruff voice stopping her at the door, grabbing something off the counter, he walked over and handed it to her. It was his gun, the big one that he carried wherever he went, the one she had first seen him holding in the doorway of the mini mart. It was the kind that had the extra bullets a kinda belt thingy.
"Take this with you." he said thrusting it into her unresisting hands. He backed away from her as he pointed up the stairs. "It might make you feel more comfortable. Master bathroom is set up for ya', change of clothes, fresh towel...there's soap and shampoo in there too."
Beth looked panicky, and backed away from him. He stayed still, his hands hanging limply at his side. "I know you don't wanna' but you need to take care of yourself...ain't healthy, what ya' doin'. Not for you, and not for the boy. He's worried, and ya' need to try and fix this the best ya' can." Beth was still standing there, with his gun in her hand, not responding but not running away either.
"I'll stay down here. Me and Dexy, we can keep an eye out." When she still hadn't moved, he added. "If I come up there, I give you permission to shoot me in the ass." he said by way of encouragement giving her an unrepentant grin. Beth scrutinized him, before giving him a nod of acquiescence.
He walked past her into to den where Dexy was reading his book, sitting down on the couch near him. "Ya' want me to read that?" he asked the boy as he gestured to the book. Still standing by the doorway, Beth watched as Dexy handed Merle the book and climbed up to sit next to him. Sitting back he opened the book, Dexy leaned his head against his arm making himself comfortable as Merle started to read. He ignored Beth, who was lingering in the hall. But he was relieved when he heard her start to walk up the stairs. He stopped reading and was silent until the reverberation of a door being closed could be felt and heard.
Dexy looked up and him and smiled, "You did good!" he said patting his cheek with his hand, the one with the spit covered thumb. Merle grunted in annoyance as he wiped his face off with his shoulder. "You's not a limp dick!" Dexy exclaimed in earnest approval.
Even with the water running as she was barricading the bathroom door, Beth could hear Merles raucous laughter.
BigRed, Thank you for the heads up, I fixed the items you pointed out...probably because I can't help myself and add items after it's been edited (sorry A.G. I totally suck that way). Would you consider leaving a review? You didn't tell me if you liked what you read, are you a first time reader, or are you following the story? Honestly, I'm finding the lack of reviews a bit disheartening. And I have to wonder what it says about my writing/story line.
