Tegan shut the door behind her as she walked out of my house. Almost automatically, I rushed to the window that looked out into my front yard. I watched as Tegan and Lindsey's eyes met, and Lindsey just had this amazingly relieved look on her face. They took hands with each other, and Tegan kissed Lindsey before they started walking away. I watched them the whole way to their car from my window, clutching the blinds in between my fingers. I felt like it was wrong to watch them, like I was invading them in some way, but I couldn't look away. I wanted Tegan to stay so badly, but I knew I had to let her go. After everything that had happened a few years ago, I couldn't let it all happen again.

It just wasn't fair to Tegan. She finally accepted the glares and media, and she finally got over everything while I still hadn't. All the old fans who run up and ask us to kiss each other, all the people who still post on the Internet about the articles from years ago - all of the shit I was so sick of - I just couldn't let it go. But I had to for Tegan's sake. She wanted everything to go back to normal so badly, and I was the only reason it all went to hell, so I needed to give her that and just ignore these feelings I was having.

By then, I realized I had been starring off into space through the window at the empty street where Tegan had just been.

I let out a sigh, and turned around to go back to the dusty memory room. I took one last look at everything there, and then shut the door again for another long solitude locked.

I walked into the living room, clutching my arms, sliding my feet across the tile as I moved.

"You fucked up.." I said aloud to myself.

"But I just hope she's not lying about coming back this time.."

I sank down into my couch in the dark, scanning the empty room. Pictures of smiling Tegan and I lined the walls here, but they weren't about our band, they were just us. Just pictures we had taken over the years; just moments that I wanted to remember. They made me smile even though they were the last thing I really wanted to look at right now. I pulled my eyes away from the pictures and picked my phone out of my pocket, opening a new text message. I started typing in Tegan's number, but right as I was about to finish, I shook my head in frustration and screamed out loudly as I threw my phone across the room. It slammed into the wall, crashing loudly against a lamp. I burrowed my face in my arms, falling over onto my side on the couch. I cried reluctantly, sobbing loudly into my shirt. I screamed out gibberish into my house, letting my voice echo and carry as far as it did because I didn't care right now who heared me. My fingers gripped tightly onto a pillow that was luring on the couch, and as the minutes passed, my tears became quiet, but I still had that chocked feeling in my throat.

I didn't know exactly why I was crying so badly, but something about Tegan had triggered it. I wasn't even thinking about being upset when I wanted to text her..well, I didn't even know what I was going to text her. My mind was just a broken mess right now, and no thoughts could go through it very easily. All I knew was that I wanted my sister back - like what we used to have...like what are in the pictures. I didn't want to have these feelings anymore, I didn't want it to be that every time I look at her, I don't just see a girl – I see something more. And I hated it, I hated myself for it. I just wanted to have my sister back and only my sister. We looked so happy back then.. I needed it back. I needed it to survive…

I needed her.