Thor rang Fandral's front door bell. He and Loki switched surprised gazes as they heard the loud music and the overflow from female voices.
"Ah! Thor, Loki! Welcome my friends!" Fandral opened the door, looking radiant, despite his hair being slightly disheveled.
"I thought you said this was an intimate party." Loki said while he offered the blond a bottle of wine, his green gaze taking in the crowded living room packed with young beautiful women.
"Well, it is. I only invited my closest friends. I cannot help if ladies heard about the party. I did not have the heart to send them away." Fandral gallantly said while his hand rested on his heart. Loki made a scoffing sound while Thor barked a laughter.
"You're inexcusable!" The sophomore said while he pated his friend on the shoulder. "Now where are the others?"
…
It was surprising how many people Fandral's relatively small apartment could bear. There were at least 50 people spread out in the different parts of the house. Thor was sure, weren't it for the fact Fandral's neighbors were at the party too, they would have called the police by now. The loud music drilled his ears and seemed to want to tremble the building, attracting more and more female party goers. The blond struggled his way along the apartment divisions, doing his best not to stumble or crash against a dancing woman or a couple engaged in a kiss.
He hoped to find Loki in this chaos. It was three in the morning and he honestly had enough of the party. Jane had left early because of a headache. Fandral was surrounded by gorgeous women who listened excited to his tales about his fencing championships. Darcey was unsuccessfully trying to seduce Captain, after Loki escaped her for the tenth time and disappeared. Despite the confusion, Bruce and Natasha seemed to be engaged in a quiet conversation in the living room. Thor had spent most of the time with the company of Sif, Volgstagg and Hogun in a relatively quiet place by the window. But one by one, they paid farewell to the birthday boy and headed back home. Thor too wanted to leave, but he didn't dare to go without Loki. Especially after tonight's conversation.
Thor opened the bathroom's door and froze when he finally found his target. He felt awkwardly uncomfortable with what he saw. Loki was standing against the tiled wall with his shirt half open. He had his eyes closed, clearly relishing the soft kisses a dark brown-haired girl was planting on his chest. She continued unbuttoning his shirt and her lips traveled downwards to his belly. Thor knew where this was heading to and decided to take a leave. He was just about to turn around when Loki opened his eyes and their gazes met.
Thor could feel all the blood spread to his face from embarrassment. His friend could only be completely drunken, because in normal circumstances, Thor was quite sure Loki would have been shocked and uncomfortable in being caught in the act. But instead of uneasiness, the raven-haired man looked back at the blond with an unknown serenity, an unusual tenderness in his eyes and smiled softly before closing his eyes again. It was when the girl reached Loki's crouch and his lips departed in a silent gasp that Thor left the bathroom, making sure he shut the door behind him.
He walked to the kitchen and opened the window to breathe some air. It took him some time to realize he was panting, sweating and shaking. The image of Loki with that girl had gotten itself imprinted in his mind and disturbed him greatly. Thor knew he shouldn't. It had become quite common to find couples making out in this kind of parties after a certain hour of the night. Above all, he was more than familiar with Loki's tales about his one-night stands, so he shouldn't be surprised at all his friend had found himself a sex partner. But seeing Loki actually in this context made his stomach turn. He didn't quite know why. Maybe it was because he somehow had always wanted to believe that some part of Loki's childhood's innocence had survived during their growing process into adulthood. Maybe it was because this was a side in Loki he knew existed but never had been confronted before. Or maybe it was the sweetness and peacefulness of that look Loki gave him that haunted him. Thor left the window and searched the kitchen for a strong drink. He was needing it.
…
It was half an hour later when Loki appeared. Thor was sitting on the kitchen's counter, while he scrolled an internet page on his mobile.
"What are you doing?" The blond lifted his head startled to see his best friend standing right opposite him. He could see in his glazed eyes and crooked grin that Loki was more than tipsy.
"Just reading some stuff on the net." Thor answered while he put his phone back in his pocket and stood up. "And waiting for your return. I wanted to go home, but I could not find you."
"Oh. Well, I was…kind of busy." Loki said with a mischievous grin and Thor could tell Loki didn't recall their brief encounter. "Was rather sweet of you to wait for me."
"Don't flatter yourself." Thor said unable to hide the annoyance in his voice. He couldn't look at his friend without the image of Loki with the girl popping right into his mind. "Come on. I'm tired."
"Right." Loki said uneasy, as he sensed his friend's irritation. He immediately felt guilty and didn't dare to ask him how long he had waited for him. "Was quite a party, wasn't it?" The younger man said when they stepped outside, wanting to break the ice. Both breathed the welcoming cool night air.
"Yeah, if this is Fandral's notion for an intimate party, I don't want to know how a normal party is for him."
"Probably women only." Loki quipped and Thor actually smiled. They entered the car. "Sorry I made you wait. You could have gone home without me, you know."
"I wouldn't leave you behind, Loki." Thor said while started the engine. When Loki didn't answer, he looked at him. There was that soft smile again, which was matched with the tender half-drunken look. The raven-haired quickly broke the gaze and looked out the window.
"Thank you." Loki whispered. Thor's head became light for some moments and an involuntary smile drew on his lips. A peaceful silence reigned in the car and Thor drove back home.
…
"Hey Loki, I'm going this weekend to my parents. If you want, you can come along." Thor cheerfully asked while he opened the refrigerator and took a can of beer from it. Loki shifted uncomfortably on the chair. His heart jolted at the idea of going home, while a wave of anxiety swept unhealthily over his body. He forced the grimace away from his face.
"Ehm. Thank you but…I'm kind of busy this weekend. Have this major project to finish." The black-haired man excused himself in an almost nonchalant manner, while he gestured graciously at the large drawing he was making. "But thank you anyway for the offer."
"Are you sure? You haven't seen your parents since college started. Can't that project wait a few days?"
"Ah, dead-lines. You know how they work. I'll go another time." Loki dismissed in a carefree smooth manner.
Thor took a sip of his beer and watched silently as his friend continued his sketching. He actually thought it was a pity. He had hoped to have Loki's company in the four hour drive. It was always hilarious when they drove together. They had the habit of singing on top of their lungs, along the loud music of the radio. Loki would make the strangest comments about names of the places they passed and sometimes shouted something silly at people that were by chance at the street, startling them.
The sophomore turned on the TV but he wasn't really paying any attention to it. His eyes shifted once and a while to Loki. He smiled. More than a week had passed since Fandral's birthday party and Thor was finally capable of looking at his friend again without associating him to that awkward moment. He observed Loki working on a drawing and loved the way the green eyes glinted cleverly, just like he thought the little knitting of his brow from the concentration was absolutely adorable.
Thor missed his best buddy. Even after their conversation, they continued spending too little time together. Apparently Loki had his agenda filled with all kind of works, projects and papers that took practically all his free time. The blond thought it was unbelievable to have his friend so close by and yet he never experienced this kind of distance between them. Since children, they had a very strong bond and were always together having fun. Thor missed the countless hours they shared laughing at any silly subject they would chose to talk about. But lately, when he attempted a conversation, Loki reacted irritated most of the time. He wondered if sharing the apartment together was the actual problem. That the closeness would create a division instead of a stronger connection.
"Do you think it was a bad idea to live together?" Thor wondered out loud. Loki stilled, straightened his back and looked at him clearly surprised.
"Why would I think such a thing? You're my best friend! I doubt I would want to share a house with anybody else." Loki retorted with an annoyed but obvious tone.
"Then why are you angry with me all the time?"
"I'm not angry with you all the time."
"Yes you are. You are always pissed up with me, just like right now!" Thor insisted and Loki remained silent for some moments, staring at this friend with a thoughtful expression.
He had not realized that he had been quite hostile lately with the blond. How could he not? He had to endure daily Thor's constant praising about dear sweet Jane. The teenager realized he had been acting stupidly jealous and envious. He had to be more careful and less obvious. It was a miracle Thor or one of his friends hadn't drawn that conclusion yet. But when the blond wasn't talking about the girl he was bragging about his talents and looks. Loki had been feeling invisible and forgotten the last weeks and it hurt as much as it angered him. It was only after they had their serious talk about Thor's unintentional distance that the blond finally tried to make time for him. And for his greatest frustration, Thor's epiphany happened during his busiest week, when all teachers seemed to plot together and give simultaneously short-term assignments. As a result, he became short-tempered. Loki bit his under lip.
"Well excuse me if I'm not always all smiles and sunshine." The raven-haired teenager said in an over-dramatic nonchalant way, so Thor knew he was in a playful mood. "This study is very demanding and I do tend to lose my patience rather easily when I'm under pressure."
Loki smiled at the way Thor shifted on the couch to look better at him and his face beamed in happiness. It warmed his heart that, despite his best friend's non-correspondence to his feelings, Thor valued their friendship immensely. Truly, the sophomore was radiant with his answer. Loki could never dream of much the blond was both relieved and happy to know nothing was wrong between them.
"That's because you're a perfectionist! It takes ages before you're satisfied with anything you make!" Thor pointed out in an amused chuckle. "Take a break and come with me this weekend." Loki looked at Thor's bright blue eyes, his sweet smile and almost gave in. But the thought of going to his parent's home made him feel so nervous, his insides turned from distress.
"I really would like to, but I need to finish this project." He sorrowfully said while he pointed at his drawing. "It has to be ready by Tuesday." Thor looked genuinely disappointed and it broke Loki's heart. The blond turned his gaze to the television and missed the flash of regret and sorrow in Loki's face. The freshman almost gave into his feelings for Thor. But the sickness in his belly and the waves of nerves that traveled through his body at the mere thought of seeing his father were stronger than him. So, instead, he forced his mind to focus only in the drawing and forget the rest of the world.
…
Thor was furious. He had just learned from Fandral that Loki had spent practically all Sunday together with him, Sif and Captain. And apparently Loki had also participated in another one of those stupid college parties the freshman adored, so he could sow mischief and chaos, if not to get drunk or drugged or get laid with some stranger. It drove him mad to no extend.
Thor was convinced now that Loki had used the project as an excuse not to go with him to their hometown. The idea Loki had lied to avoid him and chosen to be with other friends instead of him hurt insanely. Jane and Fandral had been taken aback with Thor's thunderous look in his eyes. He had stomped away infuriated, searching for Loki and grew the more angry and frustrated when he couldn't find the little trickster. So that day, as soon as classes were over, he headed to the apartment and waited impatiently for the teenager's return.
Loki arrived about an hour and a half after Thor and froze at the doorstep when he saw his friend sitting on the kitchen chair with his arms crossed, facing him with a murderous look on his face. He pondered if he should leave the door open for an escape because he had the unpleasant feeling the other wanted to hit him. He had experienced Thor's fists in the past (when Loki teased his friend so much that Thor completely lost his mind) and was the least interested in having a new encounter with them.
"Is something wrong?" Loki cautiously asked while he gently shut the door behind him. He still could make a quick escape if it was necessary.
"You lied to me!"
"I did?"
"Fandral told me about you going to that shitty party and then spending the Sunday with him and the others!" Thor yelled outraged. Loki's heart jolted in his chest from fear and anger at Thor's irate tone, having the feeling he grew pale and red at the same time.
"What has that to do with you?" He poisonously asked and Thor stood up. The raven-haired man took a step back and for a fraction of a second, his face denounced fear.
"I thought you couldn't spend the weekend away because of a project!"
"I worked faster than I calculated, you oaf! I practically finished it on Saturday!" Loki shouted back as anger started to build up in his chest. He couldn't believe Thor was controlling him, was invading his private life this manner. "Besides, I own you no justification! What I do in my free time and with who I hang is none of your concern!"
"Oh really? You have been doing nothing but avoid me and being pissed with me for no reason! You keep making up lies so you don't have to spent time with me! Don't I have the right to know why?"
"That's bullshit! You're just being stupid and paranoid! You don't hear me complaining about all the times you are away so you can be with dear sweet Jane!" Loki furiously spat.
Loki had just spoken these words when his eyes widened of fright. Thor took a few steps closer, looking the more infuriated. The freshman instinctively took a few steps backwards, until he hit the door behind him. His heart raced unhealthily under his chest as Thor towered him and his blue eyes gaining a dark gray shade that reminded him of stormy clouds. Loki swallowed dry.
Thor looked into the jade eyes and read the fear in them. He had to restrain himself from hitting the slightly shorter man. How dared Loki involve Jane in their fight? What did Jane had to do with them in the first place? Thor froze at his questioning and suddenly it hit him. He suddenly realized. It all made sense if he stopped to think about it. Loki had started giving him the cold shoulder after he started dating Jane. It was so obvious that Thor cursed internally for being so oblivious. Loki was jealous. He was in love with Jane. Thor immediately cooled down at the sudden realization, finally understanding the origin of his friend's hostility. Loki read the change in Thor's eyes and noticed him calm down. He repressed a sigh of relieve.
"Jane." Thor whispered and Loki arched an eyebrow perplexed. "You like Jane. That's why you are so angry with me all the time." An expression of horror and disgust flashed through Loki's face and he angrily shoved Thor away.
"You idiot! It has nothing to do with Jane! It never did!" Loki spat angrily, his clear eyes shining from the fury and this time it was Thor who felt intimidated. "You are incredibly stupidly ridiculous if you think the whole world revolves around her!"
The raven-haired man furiously shouted. He remained panting for some moments. And while he breathed in and out, the words he had just shouted started to sink in. A dreadful sensation spread through his body at a horrible realization. He had lost control over his own mind and had let his emotions get the better of him. He had practically denounced himself. He practically admitted he was jealous, not of Jane, but of Thor.
Loki quickly understood the consequences his words would have. Fury was quickly replaced by terror. Sure Thor wasn't one of the smartest people in Earth, but Loki knew the blond would soon draw the right conclusions. It was now a matter of time. The raven-haired young man could feel himself grow pale knowing Thor would put the pieces together and discover his true feelings. Loki felt himself panic. He was sure Thor would be disgusted and outraged at this discovery. He was sure Thor would never want to be friends with him again. Loki could feel his legs tremble at the distressed thoughts that haunted his mind.
Thor saw the horror fill Loki's eyes and became the more confused. Loki had shifted from absolutely outraged to dreadfully petrified. Thor wanted to ask him what was going on. Why was he suddenly so horrified? But he didn't have time to ask. Loki opened and closed his mouth. Looking terribly pale and ashamed, he turned around, opened the door and ran down the stairs.
"Loki! Loki wait!" Thor yelled. He wanted to ask his friend why this had nothing to do with Jane. And he wondered, if it wasn't about Jane, what was it then?
"Just stay away from me!" Loki yelled back while he turned around, before he exited the building and ran down the street.
Thor frowned confused. He was understanding his friend less and less by the day. He knew better than to go after Loki and figured out the young man needed some time to be alone. If only he knew why Loki was acting so annoyingly confusing. His thoughts lingered in Loki's last words during his outburst and remained with an extremely unpleasant feeling in his gut. He still was convinced that it was jealously that led Loki to act so ill-tempered lately. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. But if he wasn't jealous about Jane, who was it then? The unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach only grew worse. There was only one person left.
Thor's heart jumped when he heard the entrance door unlock. Loki entered and their gazes met. There was an unsettling and awkward atmosphere. The blond had no idea what to say. Loki felt his blood drain down from his face. The raven-haired man read the confirmation of his fears on his friend's eyes. Thor was suspicious about him. Loki was nervous.
Thor was nervous. If his suspicions were true, then he really wouldn't know how to react in this situation. He feared he wouldn't know how to behave around Loki anymore. He had no idea how badly awkward things would become between them. This would change everything. Thor watched as Loki entered the living room, his fingers fidgeting with his shirt.
Loki licked his dry lips. He needed to save their friendship. There was only one possible way out.
"I wanted to apologize for earlier." Loki started and stared timidly at Thor. "Actually I wanted to apologize for my bad mood recently. It-It has nothing to do with you or Jane, really."
Thor almost sighed. There was a bit of relieve that came with Loki's words, but he couldn't shake off the worry that had installed in his heart. If it wasn't a problem of jealously, what was it then? And then Loki continued. "I…After I went to Stark's party…Some stupid journalist recognized me and placed a photo of Stark and me and Miss Pepper when we were talking…Of course my mother had to buy the damn newspaper and then – and then she of course showed it to my father and he – he called me and he was – he was really pissed off with me and – and I…"Loki chocked and nervously put his hand in front of his mouth to muff a sob.
He was shocked with how painful it was to talk about something so ordinary like a fight between father and son. He was shocked with how painful it was to verbalize the whole incident, never expecting this would hurt so much. It was like if he vocalized, the conflict between his father and him became more real. He almost winced when the blond rested his hand on the crook of his neck.
"I'm sorry. I had no idea." Thor honestly said, his eyes filled with care, concern and understanding.
It was obvious Loki was telling him the truth. The anxiety in the green eyes were so evident to the point of watering, which was a rare thing to happen to his friend. Thor could tell it had been an awful fight, because it was very seldom when Loki would become this disturbed. Usually he just shook off his parent's reprimands and dismissed them, considering them insignificant. But this time, whatever Laufey said, it had had a great impact. Loki was shaking.
The blond locked his gaze with Loki's and gave him a reassuring smile. He needed his friend to understand he was there for him. He wanted to care and protect him. "Look. I'm not controlling you or following any instructions from your parents, if that's what you were thinking all this time. I just miss our companionship."
"I'm a fool." Loki said in a chuckle and Thor could see he was fighting the tears back. "I don't want to fight with you either."
At these words, Thor's thumb caressed Loki's skin under his jawline and the younger man smiled painfully. The blond smiled compassionately and gave his friend a hug. Loki's breath came out in a choke, repressing a shaky sob. How bittersweet this embrace was. He closed his eyes for just a second and breathed in Thor's natural scent. He felt loved and cared, but most of all, he felt protected. Thor had no idea how this one-sided love was torturing him. Loki felt like he got to take small tastes of little affective moments like now, and then needed desperately to feed on them, because he never knew when he would taste them again. Because he knew Thor would never be his. The blond had no idea of how it killed him, to hold him so close. And if it was up to him, he would never know.
Loki had told the truth. But it was only a very small portion of the whole truth. Thor would never dream of how this kind of fights with his father were far from being a novelty. Thor had no idea how things actually were in his family. Because the black-haired teenager had succeeded in hiding his problems at home from his friend. He had managed to keep it secret for many years already. And he would keep it secret for many more. Loki needed Thor not to know. He needed Thor to be happy and cheerful around him. Because when Thor was happy, Loki was happy. He would feel strong and forget about his parents, about his troubles, about his depressive thoughts. He was sure if the blond would know the whole truth, he would behave more than compassionate. Thor would suffer with him alongside because he would be worried sick with his best friend. And Loki was sure this would tear him apart.
Loki had told a small truth. It was a glimpse of a dark secret to hide an even greater secret. He had told this truth so Thor would never come to the conclusion he was desperately in love with him. Because Loki knew the sphere around them would become unbearably awkward. Their friendship would change. Their friendship could die. And that would destroy him completely.
Loki was making sure, from now on, he would act like he always did before college. He would have to learn to live with his bitter jealously. Be always kind and cheerful towards Jane. And hide his true feelings for Thor from the world.
…
That night Thor could not sleep. His thoughts kept whirling around Loki. It made sense his friend had fought with his parents. It would not be the first time. After all, Loki loved to defy them but his rebellious behavior had always consequences. No. What kept Thor awake was an entire other matter. He couldn't sleep because when he had weighted the possibility of Loki being attracted to him in a romantic manner, it had not shocked or disturbed him as much as it should. Just like he could not shake off the unpleasant feeling of disappointment when Loki had refuted his theory completely. Thor's heartbeat raced uncontrollably. Because Thor was now confused about his own feelings and perceptions surrounding Loki.
