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The dry warmth of Phoenix was a welcome change of pace from the Bay, which had been particularly drizzly in the days before I left.

It was good to see my parents. My mother picked me up from the airport, bubbling over with questions and family news. She had the week planned out, from the relatives we'd host to the pies I'd have to Google recipes for. One thing about my mom: she lived for entertaining but she couldn't cook or bake for her life.

The ride home from the airport was a little surreal. Things felt different - the houses, the trees, even the colors; it was a lot more sun bleached than what I remembered. It was home, though, and the familiarity of my neighborhood streets soon made my heart ache with nostalgia.

I spent the remainder of the day unpacking and chatting with my mom, and when my dad got home I caught up with him until we both started to nod off. I took a shower and snuggled into bed. My childhood room was pretty generic these days, as most of my personal things were either with me in the Bay or put away in the attic.

I'd texted Edward when I'd landed but by the time I fell asleep he hadn't responded.


Alice and I were at her house, lounging by the heated pool. The air was cool and dry, the sun high in the sky.

I'd just rolled on to my stomach when my phone rang. I rooted around my purse, hoping it was who I thought it was.

My heart skipped a beat as I squinted to read the caller ID: Edward.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey yourself. How's home?"

"Good. I… missed it more than I realized."

"I can imagine," he said.

"How about you? What are you up to today?"

Alice stood, holding out her hand so I'd give her my empty glass. I watched her retreat through the sliding glass doors.

"Working. I'm trying to finish a few things up since we'll be gone for a couple of days in January," he replied. I could hear the sound of machinery behind him.

"Makes sense," I said, adjusting my bathing suit bottom. "So… what were you guys up to last night?"

He chuckled. "Checking up on me?"

"No," I laughed back. "But you didn't text back, so..."

"I was out playing pool with Em and Jasper. Rose was with us, actually."

"Oh, nice." A twinge of longing pulled at me; I missed him.

"Yeah… listen, I have to go, get a few things done. We're working through lunch today."

"All right." I tried to push away the disappointment. "Thanks for calling back."

"You don't have to thank me."

Why did everything feel so awkward? Ugh, sometimes I hated talking on the phone.

"Bella?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry I didn't respond to your message last night."

"It's okay."

"Not really. I should've. Anyway, I do have to go now. Have fun with your family, okay?"

"Okay. Miss you," I said, feeling how acutely underwhelming the sentiment was.

"Miss you too."

We disconnected and I dropped my phone back into my purse.

Feeling like crying, I stood up, letting the sun kiss me for just a moment before I dove into the tepid blue water.


My parents were hosting Christmas dinner, so by mid day our home was filled with family and close friends.

One of my cousins had gotten married in the time that I'd been gone. I knew she'd gotten married –we'd all been invited –but they'd done it in Scotland so very few family members had actually attended. Not that I hadn't tried to finagle a ticket out of my father.

Anyway, Elizabeth was expecting now. I watched in fascination at how different she seemed, her hand often hovering near her already-swelling belly. Her husband was so attentive, too, and what I once would have found clingy and annoying I now found endearing. They were like one unit now, in a really complementary way.

Then there was Bree, a girl I'd grown up with. Her parents and mine had always been close, even when the two of us had grown apart. We'd always been okay, though, despite having different friends in high school. After dinner she and I sat around talking and sipping on wine, sharing college stories. Apparently she was dating some amazing guy that she just couldn't stop going on about. He'd left to visit family out of state but called her all the time.

As I described my relationship with Edward, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I was missing something. Bree seemed supportive and happy for me, clasping my hands in excitement when I told her the story of how we'd met and all that, but it dimmed in comparison to what she had.

It was dumb; I knew it was. Every relationship is as different and unique as the people in them, and playing the comparison game now was pointless. I loved who Edward was and for the most part I understood his ways.

But maybe that was part of the problem: I loved him, and I couldn't tell if he loved me. It had been nearly seven months.

Time tables are arbitrary… but emotions aren't. I knew how I felt and sometimes, even after all this time, he was difficult for me to read.

I realized maybe I did want the attentiveness and the phone calls, the hand holding, and if that wasn't who he was then I wanted him to prove to me in other ways that we didn't need it because what we had went beyond it.

He cared about me a lot, that was apparent, but I realized I wanted proof of love.

His Merry Christmas text came later that evening, when I was watching a movie with my parents. My fingertips hovered over the letters but I couldn't respond. I felt too churned up inside.

Maybe I was being childish and insensible, who knew. I hadn't exactly had a lot of men in my life before; the things I'd done and felt with him were mostly firsts for me. Thoughts of how he kissed me and touched me, of how it felt when we made love inundated me. It certainly felt like we had something special.

I knew one thing though: if Edward and I were at such different points in our lives that we wanted different things relationship-wise, it might be wise to have The Talk sooner than later.

No matter how much the thought made my stomach hurt.


I lay on my back in the backyard, my legs propped up one my mother's lime tree. After a trip to Florida the year before she'd decided to tropicalize the property with everything from a tiki bar on the patio to various citrus trees lining the backyard. As kitschy and campy as it had sounded over the phone, I had to admit it was really cute in reality. Very colorful and welcoming.

"Okay, now give me your other foot," Alice commanded, tapping my leg.

I carefully lowered my leg and rested it on her lap. She'd gotten a henna set for Christmas and was experimenting on me. It looked fabulous, of course. If I tried to paint something with henna it would look like a five year old had done it.

"I like it," I said, wiggling my toes as I admired her handiwork.

"Thanks. So, go on."

We'd been discussing my recent epiphanies about my relationship with Edward.

"I guess…" I paused, gathering my thoughts, trying to find the best words. "I've never ever felt like this before. I mean, I love him. And I'm afraid that I'm just going to keep on falling in deeper while he just maintains this easy going, cool as a cucumber…thing. I know he likes me – "

" – he more than likes you," interrupted Alice. "I'm just saying."

"Well, maybe he does. But I need to know. Because… I don't want to get hurt. That sounds stupid; we all get hurt at some point but I don't know if I can handle it with him."

"I understand," she said gently, holding my foot still.

"So… I feel like we'll have to talk about it when I get back."

"Like on the ski trip?"

"Maybe." I shrugged. "I don't want to ruin things… I could wait until we get back afterwards…"

"It doesn't have to be something horrible," she said. "You're good with words and he's a smart guy. Just… tell him what's on your mind."

"Easier said than done."

"I know," she sighed. "But if you're feeling like this it's going to bug you until you say something. You know that right?"

Nodding, I gazed at the designs on my ankle and foot. Alice was right.

I wanted to get back now more than ever.


~air~


Alice and I had the same flight back to Oakland. We weren't sitting together, but the man sitting next to me didn't seem to mind switching with Alice. Having been up late the night before saying our goodbyes, we were both a little more exhausted than we'd have liked and ended up dozing on the plane.

The plane hit the runway, jarring me out of my half conscious sate. Instead of feeling refreshed I was even groggier. I elbowed Alice, rousing her as well. That girl could sleep through a war.

We texted Rose to let her know we'd landed and then caught BART to the Rockridge station, where she was finishing up a shift a local pizza joint. Hunger won out over sleepiness and we pigged out on a spinach and mushroom deep dish while filling Rose in on the latest. Ironically she'd spent quite a bit of time with both Edward and Jasper because of Emmett.

She seemed surprised when I brought up my upcoming talk with Edward, but not because she didn't agree with me.

"I've often thought that about him," she said, shrugging. "Not that I should talk. Em says getting me to express myself is like pulling teeth."

"How's that for a switch?" Alice laughed, grabbing another slice. "You're pretty chatty with us."

"Yeah, but that's you guys. Talking about feelings with my boyfriend is a whole different story. It makes me …I don't know. I hate being vulnerable like that."

"Emmett's great, though," I said, staring into my Coke.

"Which is why I talk to him at all," Rose sighed. "But you know how long that took."

I nodded. It had taken Emmett awhile to break Rose's barriers but once he had they'd become quite the duo. Rose's biological father had been really abusive when she was little, and though she'd gone to therapy and even volunteered with a local group for abused kids, she was still a tough nut to crack. She didn't trust people easily, most especially men. It didn't help that she was probably the prettiest I'd ever seen that wasn't a movie star or something; she was forever getting unwanted attention.

Edward didn't have anything like that in his past; he was just quiet. He and Rose really were alike in disposition, though. I recalled being a little afraid of her when we'd first met, too.

Still, the bottom line was that Rose knew what I was going through. She understood.

"Just give him a chance to explain himself before getting all weepy," she smirked.

"I'm not going to get weepy!" I scowled, tossing down my napkin.

She arched her eyebrow as if to say oh really?

"Jeez. It's not like we're… we're breaking up or something. I just want to have a heart to heart."

"I know, but Edward's a hard-ass," Rose said.

Alice smacked her arm. "You're not helping. Bella, just say whatever it is you need to say. It'll be fine."


His phone rang so many times I thought for sure it would go to is voice mail, but it didn't.

"Hello."

"Hey… Edward. It's me. I'm back."

"I know," he chuckled. "You've been back; I was beginning to think you weren't going to call me."

It surprised me that he'd remembered what time my return flight was.

"Yeah… Alice and I met Rose to eat and then we caught a cab home."

"Cool, cool. So how are you? Glad to be back?"

"I am. Oakland definitely feels like home now," I said honestly.

"You ready for tomorrow?"

My stomach flip flopped. "Yep."

"Good. It's about a three and a half hour drive so we'll be by to pick you up around nine. We're taking the Navigator because it has extra seats," he said. "I think Jasper wants to go and if he goes you know he'll want to bring Alice."

"What Navigator? Whose is it?"

"Mine."

I frowned. "What?"

"It's mine but I usually let Riley drive it. The truck is more useful for my line of work, you know?"

"Makes sense."

"Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff to do before tomorrow. Let me know if there's anything you want me to grab before we leave, okay?"

I'd been hoping to see him sooner than that. Feeling a little like a deflated balloon, I sighed. "Okay."

"And Bella?"

"Hm?"

"I missed you."

Small words, but they meant a lot to me. I swallowed back the lump in my throat, wishing I wasn't so emo at the moment. Maybe I was getting my period.

"Missed you too."

Not seeing Edward that night turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was more exhausted than I'd thought and after unpacking, doing laundry and then packing again I passed out.


Alice woke me the next morning. "C'mon babe. It's already eight thirty."

"Crap. Didn't set my alarm," I mumbled.

"I figured. Hurry, go shower." She was already dressed, her hair wrapped in a towel.

I hurried through my morning routine, and had just shoved the last of a granola bar into my mouth when the buzzer for the outside gate went off. Alice let the boys in.

I still had such a physical reaction to Edward. Seeing him this way suddenly reminded me of the first night we'd met. He was so self-assured, so handsome. His eyes crinkled when he saw me and he crossed the room slowly, pulling me into a hug.

"Hey."

I wrapped my arms around his middle. "Hi."

We embraced for a second and then he leaned back, tilting my chin so he could kiss me.

My heart raced. I really, really loved him. I hoped he felt the same.

The ride up to South Lake Tahoe was pretty fun. Riley and his new girlfriend Vicki rode up front while the rest of us took the back. I'd never been to Lake Tahoe and I was captivated b the natural beauty. It was breath taking.

And cold. I was grateful for the winter wear Rose had lent me for the weekend. She was staying behind in the Bay, mostly because of her job and Emmett. I didn't doubt they'd make their own fun, though.

Edward and Riley had made reservations at a bed and breakfast called the Black Bear Inn. It was rustic and lovely luxurious, and everything I'd imagined Lake Tahoe would be. Several guest houses sat nestled amongst the deep green trees, smoke rising from their chimneys.

We checked in and separated to go to our rooms, agreeing to meet back in the Great Room in half an hour.

I was starting to get anxious again. Now that we were here I was going to have to figure out the best time to do this, to have this talk. I tried not to psyche myself out but it was hard.

Turns out, Edward had plans of his own. "C'mon, Bella. It's time to teach you how to ski."


Hours later Edward helped me limp back to our room.

My ass was sore and I was chilled to the bone. I was sure that I'd be black and blue when I stripped for a bath.

Still, my attempts at skiing had been fun and exhilarating. And Edward was really sexy on the slopes. I wanted to strip him down, too.

"You go first," he said, steering me toward the bathroom once our boots and outwear were off.

"Can't we go together?" I asked through chattering teeth.

Edward hesitated, and then nodded. He started the water while I got undressed. I was exhausted, but also aroused by the steam and hot water, and by Edward. We washed and kissed inside the tub but when I reached for him he twisted away, laughing a bit.

I knew he probably just wanted to be comfortable in bed – if his limbs were anything like mine after a day of skiing he probably had the shakes –but my lack of confidence concerning his true feelings just about boiled over. Biting my lip viciously, I climbed out of the tub.

I dried off quickly, wanting to be out of the bathroom when Edward came out. He followed me into the bedroom, not bothering to fully dry off. Shivering, I tightened my towel and started fumbling with the fireplace, adding wood.

Edward came over and stoked it, his towel hanging off his hips, the water glistening atop his skin.

Out of nowhere I started trembling, so bad I could hardly stand it. He glanced up at me, his mouth open like he was going to say something. He shut it when he saw me. And frowned.

"Bella?"

I backed toward the bed and sat down.

"I have to talk to you," I said, in a voice much smaller than I'd meant to have.

"That doesn't sound too good," he said, laughing uneasily. He came and sat next to me but I scooted back a little, needing some space if I was going to get this out.

Why was I so nervous? We'd been dating for months!

"I … thought a lot while I was gone," I began, unable to look at his face. If I did, I'd either lose my nerve or start crying again. "I realized some things."

He stayed silent; I guess waiting for me to continue.

I picked at the duvet, willing my shakiness to go away. "I need to know what I am to you."

He took a while to answer. "What are you really asking me, Bella?"

"I'm asking what I mean to you. Because I know what you mean to me, but you're incredibly hard to read. Sometimes I feel like you're one of the people I'm closest to but then other times it's like… it's like you're someplace else."

I looked at him right as he brought his eyes to mine. So green.

"You scare me, Edward."

"Why?"

"Because I love you, and I don't know if you love me." I looked down again, not wanting him to see my tears. The last thing I needed was to be involuntarily manipulative, a crying girl begging for affirmation.

He got up and for a second I thought, irrationally, that he was going to leave - just get dressed and just go somewhere else. But he didn't. He drew the curtains so it was a little darker, gazing outside as he did so.

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Bella," he murmured, coming back to me. "I care about you, a lot. I always have. You caught me by surprise, how fast you became part of my life." He scrubbed his hands over his face. "When it comes to explaining myself I'm just… I'm not that guy. I don't know who you want me to be."

He wasn't being sarcastic or cruel, just achingly honest.

My pulse finally started to even out a little. I wiped the back of my hands across my eyes.

"I want you to be you," I said.

His warm hands were on me then. He pulled me up off the bed and took both my towel and his and dropped them on the floor. Then he led me around to the side and peeled the covers back and brought me inside the warmth.

I let him kiss me, my love and need for him almost overwhelming, even though questions and thoughts were racing through my brain. He nudged my legs apart and started to slide against me.

"Do you?" I whispered, and his face was blurry.

"Yes, I do." he said, his mouth at my ear. "I do. I love you."