Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight


Not Without You

Chapter 12: Lullaby

When Masen was two weeks old, he found his lungs. In our room, Masen screamed, while Edward was downstairs catching up on the week of schoolwork he'd missed.

I tried nursing Masen again, but he was full. I gave him my finger to suckle but he didn't want that either, nor did he do anything with his pacifier but push it out with his tongue. I checked his diaper. I walked the room with him, bouncing, but still he wouldn't stop. I was at a loss for what else to do. At least ten minutes had gone by and I was losing it myself. I lay down with him on the bed and cried right along with him.

"I'm sorry, baby, I don't know what you want." He was still screaming. I closed my eyes, torturing myself by lying there with him, listening to his cries. There was no way I was going to leave him, though.

Edward threw the door open. "What happened? What's going on?"

I sat up. "He won't stop. I don't know what to do. I tried everything I could think of."

He picked up Masen, his tiny head resting against Edward's chest as Edward lightly bounced him. That did nothing to soothe Masen, and I wasn't surprised. I fell back on the bed, eyes on the ceiling.

"Is he hungry?"

"He just ate."

"Does he need to be burped?" Edward started rubbing and patting Masen's back as if he'd just solved the problem; Masen would burp and that would be the end of his tears. But his cries still didn't cease.

"Don't you think I tried that, Edward?"

"He's wet."

"He is?" I sat up again.

"Yeah." He fished a diaper out of the top dresser drawer.

"I checked, Edward. I swear, I checked."

"I know you did, Bella. Don't worry, it probably just happened." I watched as he started changing Masen on the bed. "These diapers are still too big for him, " he said, folding the top over before fastening it. Masen's crying stopped momentarily. But when the change was complete, his cries picked right up again.

"What is it, little guy?" Edward asked, cradling him. "What is it?" Masen quieted for a few seconds, just long enough for us to feel relief, but then he started up again. "Maybe his stomach hurts." Masen paused again for just a second.

"How will we know?" I asked. "He can't tell us."

"I don't know. All we can do is guess." Again, Masen's crying stopped, only to pick right back up after Edward stopped speaking.

I stared at Edward.

"What?" he asked.

"Talk to him."

"What's the matter, Masen? What can we do for you?" As long as Edward was speaking, Masen was quiet.

"I think your voice is soothing him," I said. "Sing or something."

Edward started humming and Masen was calm. Lying down with me, Edward continuing to hum a tune I didn't recognize. He had Masen on his chest and pulled me to his shoulder. Within seconds, Masen fell asleep.

"It's like magic," I said. "What am I going to do if he needs you and you're at school or work? I think you need to record your voice." I was only half joking. "What song was that, anyway? It was pretty."

"I don't know. I made it up as I went along. Has he done this before?"

"No."

"I wonder why my voice worked."

I shrugged. "Your voice has probably been soothing him all along. Remember when you started reading to him in my belly?"

"That could be it. Or maybe I need to spend more time with him. I was with him day and night for the first week."

I moved my head to Edward's chest next to Masen's, my arm around Edward's stomach. "He wants you like I do. Stay here."

I fell asleep on him, but when I awoke, I was alone in the bed and it was beginning to grow dark outside. Masen wasn't in his bassinet. Downstairs at the kitchen table, Masen was a natural fit in one of Edward's arms, while he wrote frantically with his other hand. Esme was washing the dishes and told me she had a plate saved for me in the refrigerator.

I kissed Masen and the back of Edward's neck. "You left."

"I didn't want him to wake you. You barely get any sleep."

"Thank you." I took Masen from him and brought him to the living room to nurse him. I was beginning to know by instinct when Masen was ready to eat because my breasts were too full and sometimes leaked. I fell asleep again for a little while as he nursed until he let go, ready for the next breast. Edward joined me on the sofa.

"Are you finished with schoolwork?" I asked, reminding myself that soon I would have to stop ignoring my own studies.

"No. Why?"

"I want to go for a walk or something... you know, get out."

"In the dark?"

"Don't you have a flashlight?"

He nodded. "Okay, you eat first and I'll finish up my history paper, then we'll go."

It was after 8:00 when we finally got ourselves and Masen bundled up. Edward carried Masen and hooked an arm around me as he took us toward the creek. He introduced Masen to the forest, the creek, and the footbridge he built with Carlisle, promising that someday they would build something together.

"Are you going to miss this?" I asked him. "If we move?" We stood in the middle of the bridge, water rushing beneath us.

"I haven't thought about it. I can't really. It's like... if I make Stanford real in my mind and then it doesn't happen, I'm just setting myself up for further disappointment."

"If it doesn't happen, there are other colleges. It wouldn't end the world."

"I never thought it would. My world only ends if you're not in it." He bent down and kissed me, and as he pulled away, I took Masen, bringing his head to my face to make sure he was warm enough.

"In California, it will be warmer. We can stay out longer."

Edward covered one of my hands with his. "You're cold."

"Aren't you?"

"No. But are you okay? I want to stay."

"I'm fine." I pulled Masen's blanket tighter against his face.

I followed Edward across the bridge to our big rock. We sat together listening to the stream. He shone the flashlight on it so we could see the water slipping over rocks. We sat in silence, the only silence nature knows anyway, which really isn't all that quiet. Light winds whispered through trees. Crickets chirped. Water trickled. The three of us may have been the quietest things in the forest. I remembered the night that now seemed so long ago, when we decided Masen was ours. I'd imagined living in the forest, never going back to face our disappointed families. At this point, the only one who was still disappointed was my mom.

"If only she would meet Masen, she would fall in love with him."

Edward didn't have to ask who I was talking about. "She will, Bella. We don't know when, but she will."

"I feel worse for Masen than I do for myself. If she resents him for being alive, I will never let her around him."

"When you put it that way, neither will I."


Masen's first snowfall experience came with his fifth Saturday. I couldn't keep him out long because he was still so small, but I let him feel a few flakes on his face before leaving Rosalie and Edward outside. I unbundled Masen in the warmth of the house, and laid him down on his thick blanket on the floor in front of the sofa. There was still no table. Esme decided she didn't need one for now, and it left some space for Masen, anyway. I lay next to him and gave him my finger to grasp. He brought it to his mouth.

Through the large windows, I could see Edward with his arm around Rosalie, their backs to me. He kissed the side of her head like he'd done countless times for me. I could almost feel what Rosalie may have felt in that moment. Then he released her, scooped up some snow and threw it at her. She turned her head and blocked it with her hands, where it broke apart. She formed her own ball and threw it at Edward's face. It landed right where it was intended, and I knew he could have ducked or turned, but he let it hit him. He was trying to make her laugh, and even though I couldn't see her face, I thought it might be working. They came in seconds later, both out of breath, me staring at them from the living room. If Rosalie had been smiling outside, she wasn't anymore.

Even though she'd opened up to me, even more than she had with Alice, Rosalie still avoided Masen. She'd speak to him, but never touched or attempted to hold him.

"Are you tired, Bella?" Edward asked. "You can nap. I'll take care of Masen."

"No. I'm just enjoying baby and watching you two. How's your face?"

He laughed. "Sore."

Rosalie half-smiled, then offered to get us something from the kitchen; she needed a glass of water. Edward sat next to me, his hand on the back of my thigh, as we both declined her offer.

"Does she smile with you?" I whispered.

"Sometimes."

"Was she laughing just now?"

"For a few seconds. I can get her to laugh every once in a while, but then it's like she becomes aware of it and shuts down. I wish she could forget, or just let herself be, but she won't."

"Why did you kiss her?"

His face shot to mine. "I didn't kiss her."

"No, not that kind of kiss, but you kissed her head."

"I did?"

I nodded with a frown. Was it really something he did without thinking? Without realizing?

"It must have been after I mentioned Emmett. She didn't say anything, so I chucked snow at her to change the mood."

"Yeah, it was right before you threw the snow. I can't believe you don't remember."

"Did it bother you? I won't do it again."

"No. I mean, yeah, it bothered me, but I know that it shouldn't. You're just trying to comfort her. I'm not jealous in that respect. But I was in here watching, and I remembered how it feels when you kiss me like that."

He kissed my forehead. "How does it feel?"

"Like love."

"Good. That's what it is when I kiss you." He kissed me again. "I'm sorry, Bella, really. Jasper and Emmett kiss your cheek sometimes-- it's the same thing. But I won't do it again."

Rosalie returned and I felt an instant need to change the subject, so I started randomly complaining about the "big heavy stroller," and how it was hard to maneuver through the tight aisles at the market. Rosalie ordered me to kiss Masen and Edward goodbye, pulled me to my feet and toward the door with a, "Come on," and called to Edward, "Babysit your son. We'll be back in an hour."

"There's breast milk in the fridge," I said, with a wave. I followed Rosalie to her car and didn't bother asking where we were going. She'd initiated the outing and I wasn't going to question it. She drove snail-like compared to Edward, and she didn't talk until we were parked in front of the only fabric store in Forks.

Rosalie tugged on different fabrics, testing the stretch of the material. "Do you like lavender?" she asked.

"I don't hate it."

She paid $4.99 for a few yards of the material, then wrapped it around me, showing me how to make it into a baby carrier. Back at the Cullens' house, we tested it out on Masen, and it held him sturdy against me.

"This is amazing," I said. "How did you-" I stopped because I knew exactly where she'd learned it. "It's perfect."


Friday afternoon, I had an appointment with Dr. Denali to check on my healing. I went alone, leaving Masen at home with Edward, so we wouldn't have to bring baby out into the cold. It was an extremely frosty November, even for Forks. That night, after dinner was cleaned up, Esme and Carlisle sat together in the living room with a movie (a ritual for them whenever he had a night off). Edward spread his books out over the table, while I went upstairs to feed Masen and put him down for the night. Once he was asleep, I grabbed the baby monitor and returned to the kitchen.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

I started stacking his books. "Can you come upstairs and study? I want to be near you, alone."

He consented, like I knew he would. Once he'd set his books on his desk and I'd rested a blanket over the baby's bassinet, I turned Edward around to face me, pulling him by his v-neck until our lips met. I kissed him as deeply as he would allow, but he pulled back, the way we'd both grown accustomed-- just before our desire overpowered us. I brought his face back to mine, and when he tried to pull away again, I stood on tiptoe to kiss him some more, my hands on his waist.

"You shaved," I said, kissing up and down his jaw. "It's so smooth." I let my lips brush back and forth across the softness of his skin.

"Bella," he breathed.

I kissed his neck and drew my fingers under his shirt, up his stomach. He took a deep breath. "Bella. You have to stop. I have no control." He pushed me back at arm's length.

My eyes didn't leave his lips. "The doctor says I'm ready for exercise and other such things." I lifted his shirt, my hands drifting up his chest.

"The doctor… the doctor?" That was all he got out before his shirt was off and his lips were on mine again in a fever of kisses and gasping breaths. He tugged my shirt off, too. We were both trying our best to be quiet so we wouldn't wake the baby in our moment. Our moment which had become a thirst, a hunger, a necessity. We undid each other's pants and pushed them down. He traced a finger over my stomach. It was much flatter but still a little soft. I giggled.

"What's funny?" he asked, looking up at me from where he knelt on the floor.

"It's squishy."

He kissed me all over my stomach, tickling with tongue-teases. "I love it," he said. "I love every part of you." Then he made his way up my body with his mouth until he found my smiling lips. "You're happy."

"Of course I am." I pushed his boxers down and stepped out of my own panties. One of his hands moved up my side from my hips to the top of my ribs, then around my back, enclosing me against him--skin to skin, finally.

I pulled him to the bed, on top of me, my legs wrapping his waist. My hands on the back of his head kept his mouth on mine. We kissed over and over, minute upon minute, making up for all those times we had cut our kisses short over the past few months.

He pulled his face back, ran his fingers through my hair and looked down, into my eyes, while I felt him start to enter me.

"Wait. Wait. Wait."

He stopped. "What's wrong?"

"It hurts."

"It does?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean sort of?"

"I mean it hurts and feels good at the same time."

"Do you want me to stop or keep going?"

"Go." He moved further into me.

I took in a deep breath. "Wait."

"Bella."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize." He kissed my forehead. "I just… I can't keep going and stopping. Maybe we should try again later."

I wrapped my arms around his back to hold him there. "No. It's been so long, Edward. I don't want to wait any longer."

"Neither do I, but Bella… here, let's..." he turned us around so that I was on top of him. "Is that any better?"

I pressed down on him. "No." We both groaned in frustration. He lifted me off of him.

"What are you-"

"Relax, I'm just getting a condom. Maybe it'll help." He reached into his side drawer, ripped open a condom, put it on, and in another instant he was kissing me. My lips, my face, my throat, my chest, my breasts, and I gasped at the shock of feeling his fingers between my legs. But his touch was soft and slow. I bit my lip to hold in a moan.

"Does this hurt?" His voice was deep and low, and his fingers continued teasing as he kissed up and down my neck.

"N-no. No." He quickened his pace and slid a finger into me. My back arched.

"How about this?" he whispered against my throat. His voice and his fingers brought uncontrolled gasps from my lips and quivers from my body.

"Edward… Edw…"

He kissed along my jaw to my ear. "How does it feel, my beautiful Bella?"

I pulled in a quick breath. "So… good…" I bit my lip harder, turning my head against the pillow, and Edward's lips slid to the back of my neck.

"Bella," I felt on my neck, "you feel fucking sublime to me."

I couldn't hold in my moan, and I clawed my pillow in an effort to control my volume. His lips traveled up my neck, around my jaw to my lips, bringing my face back to his. "Do you want more, Bella?"

I couldn't answer. Already feeling myself vacating my body, I tugged on his shoulder. His fingers were gone but he was there between my legs and slid in easier, and even though it still hurt, it wasn't enough pain to stop the sea of waves that were already rushing through me... against me... over me. We both groaned, moving together like lapping water, back and forth, until all that was left of either of us was a puddle.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me?"

"Do you even know what you do? Are you aware of what you can do?"

His fingertips found my cheeks. "I know I love you. That's all I need to know." Still, he had a big smile on his face. "But you do it, too. It's not all me, Bella." He kissed my lips and moved aside, resting next to me, dragging his fingers up and down my arm.

"Yes it is. It's all you."

He laughed. "No it isn't. I swear. What you do to me… there are no words for it. It's…" he ran a hand through his hair, "it's… fuck… remember our second time on that first night? You said, 'why would anybody ever stop?' That's how I have felt the entire time. I never want to stop because of the way you make me feel. You're fucking unreal. And I'm the lucky idiot who gets you."

It was my turn to laugh. "Don't call yourself an idiot. Especially after that."

"Idiot or not, I'm lucky."

We pulled each other as close as we could get, his arms around my shoulders and mine around his waist. We allowed ourselves to fall asleep naked, wrapped in each other for the first time in too long.

Naked and cold, I shivered. There were no arms around me. I reached for Edward, and when I didn't feel him I opened my eyes to darkness and an empty bed. I must have slept through Masen's cries. As sleepy as I was, I needed to feel Edward, so I pulled on his shirt, some sweats, and headed downstairs. Just outside the bedroom door, I heard the piano. I followed the somewhat recognizable melody to the living room. Masen slept bundled up on the sofa while Edward hovered over the piano.

"Beautiful," I said, and he immediately stopped and turned around. "Keep playing."

He took my hand. "Did I wake you?"

"I was already awake. Play some more," I said.

He shook his head and pulled me onto the bench with him, wrapping his arms around me. I inched back to look at him. His brows were furrowed and I drew my fingers over them. "Are you sad?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he bowed his head against my chest. I brought a hand to the nape of his neck, fingers in his hair. I was so far from sad after making love with him just a few hours ago, that I couldn't fathom how he could be in a mood like this. "What's wrong, Edward?"

"It's nothing."

I led him to the sofa and sat between Edward and Masen. "That song you were playing sounded familiar."

"Because you've heard it before," he said. "It's Chopin. Masen's squirrel plays it."

"That is it." I turned to face him. "I didn't know you knew that song."

"I didn't know it."

"But you just played it... Are you telling me that you were playing that song by ear?"

He shrugged.

I brought my hand to his face. "You can do that?"

"Sometimes. Not perfectly. I can't get the chords right without the music, but that doesn't matter because I can't read music anyway."

"Edward, why haven't you ever played for me before?"

"I have."

"Once. You played Mary Had A Little Lamb. I didn't know you could play like this. Why didn't you share this with me?"

"It's pointless, Bella."

"Why would you say that?"

"If I tell you, will you let it go?"

"I can't promise that when I don't know what it is."

"Okay, just... don't turn this into something bigger than it is. Sometimes I'm drawn to play, compelled to it, but afterward, I'm left with this… heavy feeling."

"Why?"

"I can't do anything with it."

"Because you can't afford lessons?"

"Look, it doesn't matter. Can we forget about it now?"

"I don't understand. If it means so much to you, why don't you major in Music instead of Business?"

"Music won't pay the bills. I'm no protégé. It would take a lot of time and work for me to get good enough for a career in music. I'm not going to chase a dream I can't catch. I'd probably end up playing in malls or something. I know what it's like to grow up struggling for money. That's not the life I want for me or my family."

"But your dad won't be struggling for much longer. It all pays off in the end; plus he's living his dream."

"I'll be out of the house by the time he's earning a good living. I want it to be different for Masen. We don't have to be rich, but we do have to be comfortable."

"Okay. But don't be sad, though." I kissed him, and he must have needed it because he held my face and kissed me deeper.

"I'm not sad." He kissed me again. "I have you. I have Masen. That makes sadness an impossibility."

"You can make piano a hobby, Edward. You don't have to put expectations on it just because you're gifted. Just play it. Enjoy it."

"I'll think about that," he said. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For encouraging me. You always believe in me, and it makes me think that you could be right-- that maybe I can be what you see in me."

I smiled. "You are what I see in you."

He kissed me again, before lifting Masen. "Come here," he said. Lying back on the sofa with tiny Masen on his chest, he pulled me down, too. I had one leg over his and my head in the crook of his shoulder.

"I feel like I know you so well," I said, "but we still have a lot to learn about each other."

"We have our entire lives to learn," he said.

"Tell me something I don't know about you, right now."

"You first," he said.

"I'm not as interesting as you."

"Never say that, Bella. I'm fascinated by you. Tell me something, anything, small or big about age fourteen."

"Fourteen? Okay… um… in eighth grade, in Phoenix, I was in my school's Shakespeare play?"

He laughed. "Are you asking me or telling me? Which part did you play?"

"Viola."

"A girl, pretending to be a boy."

"Yep, it was perfect; I was boyish back then."

"I doubt that. Wait, don't the leads kiss in that one?"

I lifted my head, peering at him wide-eyed. "Oh my god, I forgot about that." I covered my mouth.

"Bella. You said that I was your first kiss."

"I told you, I forgot. How could I have forgotten? All those rehearsals…"

"What?!" He lifted his head, eyes wide, too.

I laughed. "Just kidding. There wasn't a kiss in our eighth grade adaptation."

"You are evil. Evil."

"Sorry. Your turn. Tell me something about fourteen."

"Let me think," he sighed. "Oh, I was in this bowling league with Jasper and Emmett."

"You bowled?" I laughed.

"Why is that funny? Emmett was really good. Sometimes he bowled three hundred. He got some trophies-- they were the plastic kind, painted gold, not even metal."

"I just can't imagine you bowling. Why did you guys quit?"

"The Forks Bowling Alley closed down," he laughed. "The abundance of opportunity surrounding a childhood in a small town is astonishing, isn't it? Your turn."

"Don't laugh," I said. "I used to take ballet."

"Why would I laugh at that? Dance for me." He moved his arm from me so I could get up, but I didn't move.

"No way."

"Come on. Just one twirl. I played piano for you."

"No you didn't. I caught you playing. I can't dance. There's a reason I only took ballet for one year, when I was five. I sprained my ankle. More than once."

"Bella," he gave me a one-armed squeeze and kissed my head. "Some things never change."

"Your turn," I said, but he yawned. "You're tired."

"Mm-hmm." He closed his eyes.

"Wait. Don't fall asleep yet." I shook his shoulder. "I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"How often do you sneak away to play piano?"

"It depends. A few times a month, at least. More often when I'm stressed."

"I've been living here all this time and never knew?"

He didn't answer. His eyes were closed again, and again I shook his shoulder.

"How did I never know?"

"…Middle of the night."

"You're going to play for me on purpose sometime, I hope you know."

He didn't answer. He was already asleep. I kissed Masen's cheek and Edward's chin, then let myself fall asleep too. The three of us, snuggled up tight on a not-quite-big-enough sofa--it was perfection.

For once, Masen didn't wake us up in the morning. Esme did.

"Bella?" She touched my arm. "Edward? What are you doing down here?"

"We fell asleep," I said, as if that wasn't at all obvious, and as if that answered her question completely.

She picked Masen up off of Edward's chest. "You two go on up and get some sleep. I'll feed Masen. I think there's some breast milk in the fridge.

"No," I said, sitting up. "I'll feed him first. My boobs hurt." Then I laughed because I'd just complained about my breasts to my sort-of mother-in-law.

Edward sat up and kissed my cheek. "Morning, love."

"Edward, Masen slept all night!"

"Well, yeah, from like 2:00 until… what time is it?" he asked.

"It's just after 6:00," Esme said.

"Oh man, it's too early."

"Go up to bed," I said.

"Not alone. Come with me."

"I'll watch Masen when you're done nursing, Bella," Esme said. "You two need all the sleep you can get. You couldn't have been comfortable down here."

I smiled at Edward. "I was."

"Me too," he smiled back.

Upstairs, we snuggled into bed together, and Edward kissed my eyelids, but didn't stop there. He kissed all over my face, and then my neck.

"What are you doing?"

"Let's have morning sex."

"Edward, we can't. We're up here to sleep. That wouldn't be fair to your mom."

"We can sleep right after. I want you, Bella."

"Why? So you can get all emotional and run off to play the piano?"

"Don't call me emotional." He licked the inside of my neck to my ear, and nibbled my earlobe.

"Edward, whenever you sneak away to play piano, I want you to wake me up. I don't care what time it is. That is a beautiful part of you… a part of your soul. I want you to share that with me."

"Okay. Make love to me now, and I will. I promise."

"Are you bribing me for sex?"

"Don't blame me. Feel my need for you." He pressed himself against my thigh, his desire undeniable, and that was all it took for me to give in.


A/N: Review, review, review. :)