Echo
A week ago
"Promise you won't laugh." She nodded. She couldn't feel like laughing no matter what he was going to say; she hadn't laughed for such a long time.
"Go on" she demanded.
"Well… don't laugh, please." He was exasperating.
"Merlin" she cried.
"You want to know why I gave you that slice of bread. Fine. I will tell you. All started when I was five. It was such a lovely weather. I used to love it so much. I took something to eat and I fled to the forest. There I used to feel the most comfortable as there were no people who could have seen me practicing magic. Actually, I had hardly known what I was doing; I didn't know any spell and it wasn't as safe as I had believed, but at least I could be sure that I wouldn't set my house in fire or turn the food into a disgusting sticky green fluid."
He lifted his eyes and watched Morgana. "It wasn't easy, but I managed somehow. Few days ago, some peasants had killed some wolf-poppies. I had been furious when I heard, but I couldn't scold them about it, they probably not even knew about my existence and I had learnt that world is unfair and cruel long before. Though, I couldn't accept it. In fact, that was why I went to the woods; I hoped that my magic would help them. (Obviously, my mother hadn't known anything about my plans. To be honest, I wasn't allowed to get out at all, but that day I stealthily ran away)."
"You weren't allowed to get out? Why did she…?" Morgana enquired "I mean, it was stupid what you intended to do, but you said she hadn't know. So?" She didn't expect that answer.
"It wasn't only that day. I was never allowed to go out, at least not without her." She could see that she had reached a part that Merlin would have rather kept hidden. She could read sorrow in his eyes. "It was because of my magic. She was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep it hidden. Every time we went out I held my breath for fear that if I should breath I would show the people who I really am. My mother had noticed that my powers were related with my feeling and she always reminded me to ignore everything. I thought that if I stopped breathing, I would feel nothing. Once I fainted, but I managed to keep my powers hidden. Well, I was a silly boy at that time and my mother loved me so much. I don't know how she coped with everything."
"But, it was cruel." Morgana exclaimed.
"It was the only way. I didn't have control over my powers then. I almost killed someone because he had scared me. Obviously, I didn't want to knock down that tree, but it happened and I was 16 at the time." He stopped. ''What I was saying? Yeah, I went into the woods to help that poor mother-wolf. She was so skinny and so hungry; she could have killed me at that very instant. Yet, she didn't. She watched me in the eye. I could see that she felt so lonely and so desperate. She must have missed her kids so much.
All I could do was to give her my food. It was little, but it was all I had. She stared at me. I wondered if she didn't consider revenge, if she had a better heart that those people who pretended to be just and sensitive. I wanted to pat her, but I was afraid. I don't know why, it was probably my instinct and my mother's stories about children who had been killed by wolves. I think that she was craving for a little affection, that she needed my love more than that food, but she was afraid, too. Finally, she fled away. I've never seen her again, despite the fact that I kept looking for her. I hope I don't make the same mistake again.''
But Morgana didn't answer. She could have asked him what she had to do with that she-wolf, but it was so clear, his last statement made it so clear and she followed the example of the she-wolf, she hide. She needed a place where she could cry and she didn't want him to follow her.
When she came back, he was unconscious and he was raving, his wounds were infected and he had fever.
She didn't know if he had suggested that she needed affection too or he had only felt pity for her as he had felt for that poor wolf long time ago and all he had wanted was to help. She regretted that she hadn't asked, at least she would have known, but it had been too much for her. She had recognized herself in that description, deep inside she had known that she was alone and desperate too, that she also needed a little love and she had wanted him to follow her. He had called her out, but he was too weak to follow her and she was too proud to let him see her crying.
She had tried her best to be strong, but finally she let herself feel and it hurt, it hurt horribly. She was trembling and she couldn't stop it. Her world was falling down over again and in that very instant she was aware that she wouldn't be able to build it again. Years after years, she had woken up, dreaming of the day when she would be queen, of the day when finally she would have everything she wanted, she had told herself that she would be happy then. Now she doubted it. It had been an illusion, an obsession that had helped her stay firm on her feet, but as that illusion faded away she could see that it wasn't what she really wanted.
She tried to remember what used to make her happy, genuinely happy. As she remembered she realized how wrong she had been. She had used to be happy when she could help other. She had used to give food to the poor ones and she had loved so much to speak with them. They had loved her. She had been welcomed everywhere. People hadn't respected her because of her title, but due to her kindness. Then as she had found about her powers, she had wanted to be accepted, to make people see that magic was not evil, that she wasn't a monster.
Morgause had made her believe that she would have all those when Uther would be death and Camelot destroyed. She had thought that as a queen she would never have to be afraid again. She had thought that she was helping those like her, that she was revenging all those who had suffered because of Uther. In the end she had even forgetting what she was fighting for, all that had remained was that obsession: to be queen, to be feared and powerful.
Now she couldn't see a way out. She was a prisoner, she was hungry and she was powerless. Out there she was hated. Even if she got out, there wouldn't be any better for her. Though, she wasn't willing to let anyone know.
She wiped off her tears and sneaked towards Marlin corner. It was silence. Only the crystal lighted the deep darkness surrounding Merlin. She was happy that she could spy on him without being seen.
He was sleeping. At first she had been furious, later she calmed herself and decided to let him sleep. After all he had fought for both of them.
She tried to sleep, but sleep didn't come easily. She tossed in her sleep, waiting for the morning to come, but morning never came. It was always dark, there was no windows, not even a single tiny hole that would allow the sunlight to enter. Somehow she lost the track of the time.
Finally she gave up and started to paced around. Everything was so irksome, there was nothing to do and Merlin was still sleeping. She decided to wake him up. She dashed toward him, but as she got close enough she backed down. What might she say to him? She couldn't tell him that she had been bored and she had needed someone to talk with. Definitely, she couldn't. She might pretend that she had done it in order to annoy him; it would be credible. Soon, she dismissed that idea too. It was so boring.
She kept pacing. The tension ran high and she felt that she was going to burst out. She considered the previous night's thought. She had been such an idiot. She couldn't understand why she had felt so guilty.
She had done a lot of thing she didn't like, but there hadn't been another way. After all, she had sacrificed her happiness for other; she had given up her beliefs so that those like her would be respected in the future. It was true that thousands of people had died, but great things required sacrifices and great wars had to be fought with blood. If Merlin hadn't had interfered, she wouldn't have to kill so many people. People would have recognized her as their queen as soon as Arthur had been dead. She wouldn't have been happy, she knew it, she wasn't cruel and strong, she wasn't meant to be queen, but it was the only way to restore magic to the realm, Arthur would have never allowed it.
During the time, when she was alone and afraid, she thought if the things had been better, should she stayed by Arthur's side, if he would have ever accepted her and they might have worked together in order to build a better world, but as the time passed, she learnt that it was no going back and she started to hate the king even more.
She had done what she had to do, there was nothing she should regret, she encouraged herself.
She was decided to reproach Merlin all those things, to tell him that he had destroyed everything, to ask him what he had gained by fighting against her. Deep inside she was curious why he had chosen to help Arthur rather than helping her. She walked toward him again. Her green panther like eyes glitter with hate. Finally, she would be able to stand up against him, she would be the hero and not the villain in that story. She was only several meters far away when she stopped. She didn't know how to start.
She ended up enquiring how he could sleep so much. She started to pace again. It was silence. All you could hear where her steps and the irksome noise of the drops of water falling down the stone walls.
This chapter is more about the world Morgana tried to build and about how she must feel when she realize that it was an illusion. She is not a character who wants to be saved, she not even realize that there is another way. Merlin is also more complex that it seems. So many things are not explained in the serial or maybe I am too focused on the psychological aspect of the characters.
Thank you all who read and encourage me. It means a lot for me.
Next chapter: She is haunted by her insecurity while Merlin is sleeping.
