(author's note / disclaimer):
I own nothing. Hinton and Good Charlotte do though. And thanks once again to divine energy. Do I really have to go back to rehab/comma boot camp though, Dee? D:
Enjoy guys. ;)
x- I'm young and hopeless.
I'm lost and I know this.
I'm going nowhere fast that's what they say ... -x
I realized halfway to the truck that we didn't have enough seats for everyone, but Mark solved that problem pretty quickly.
"Mary here can sit on my lap - I'll be her seat belt," Mark offered gallantly, winking at her. She raised her eyebrows, a knowing smile curling on her lips.
"I don't mind," she said indifferently, shrugging. She carefully propped herself up on the seat before sliding onto Mark. He scooted down the row and wrapped his arms around her.
"Okay, M&M can sit next to me," he said brightly, motioning to M&M who was looking solemnly at the darkening sky.
"M&M?" I asked him, "Come on now." I didn't know why I was so unsettled by the kid. Maybe I was being bitter because of his complete openness - his childlike innocence that I seemed to have lost. I don't know. I don't think it really matters anymore, anyway. That's what I try telling myself.
Driving home, Mark tried playing with the radio until eventually giving up frustratedly. "I should tell you ..." I said. "That damned thing hasn't worked in ages."
"Now you tell me," he sniffed and tightened his arms around Mary, who giggled. He studied the radio. "Y'know ... I could probably swipe you a new one if you want, Curtis."
"Yeah, and get that one stolen from some no good hoodlum?" I joked. "Don't worry, Mark. 'Sides, what would Darry say if I suddenly had a new radio?"
"Yeah." He paused. "You're right. You're right." He shrugged and tapped M&M on the shoulder, whispering. I caught one word: Cathy. I felt heat creep to my face.
"I live right here, Ponyboy," Mary told me, grabbing my upper arm. I stopped the car, and quickly thought if I should walk her up or not - we weren't going out and I wasn't even sure if I liked her or not. But I thought again. I did kiss her, and she thought I did. It really wasn't fair to leave her like this.
I walked up the steps with her - she had a nice house. It wasn't over the top like a Soc's but it had a safe, static feel about it. I could remember going to Johnny's house, and the tension I'd feel by just walking by made me anxious. It was like whatever made that house a living hell for Johnnycake would come tearing out with an actual physical form.
She struggled with the metal gate for a minute, and cursed when she got her finger stuck. "Here, lemme help - "
"No," she snapped. "No," she said softer, "I got it."
We walked up slowly to the porch, and I turned to her. "Look Mary ..."
"Save it," she said tiredly. "I'm not even sure what I was thinking. Just forget it, Ponyboy."
"Oh, alright then ..." I started saying, feeling a little relieved that I got out of it so easy. Is this what it was like for us? Remembering girls like Sylvia and Evie, I knew that none of them would stand for being used like this. But maybe I didn't understand it as well as I thought. I wasn't a girl after all, and looking at the petite blonde standing on the porch, biting her lip, I could tell she wasn't likely to forget it either.
"Y'know," I started slowly, "I have track season now and I'm real busy ..."
She sighed impatiently. "Di'in't you hear me before? I said just forget it," she snapped. "I have a boyfriend anyway, Curtis. And it looks like you," she continued, jerking her chin at my arm, "Have a little girlfriend of your own, anyway."
"She's not my girlfriend," I said. "She's my buddy's girlfriend. He's in 'Nam right now with my brother." Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
She quickly looked at the door. "My father will be wondering where I am ..." she started, looking at me curiously. "Maybe I'll see you around?"
"Yeah," I told her as she yanked open the screen and closed it gently behind her. "I'll see you later."
When I got back to the truck, Mark was leaning against the car door, chewing away on a cigarette.
"Don't do that, man," I chided him, yanking it out of his mouth. "You're ruining it." I looked down distastefully at it. "That's gross."
He took it back, quick as a cat, and patted me on the shoulder. "I'm heading out, Curtis. I only live a block away from ol' Mary." He winked at me.
"I should walk you at least," I insisted.
"Such a gentleman," he snorted. "I see you know how to treat your boyfriend, Curtis." He laughed and started away. I rolled my eyes and noticed someone else was missing.
"Hey, Mark – where'd the kid go?" I called after him.
"He didn't feel like going home just yet," Mark replied without turning around. "He's headed over to the movie house or bowling alley, I think. He'll be fine. I told him to call if he needs anything."
I sighed. No chance of seeing Cathy then, I thought glumly to myself as I hopped up into the truck again. I started home, thinking about how I wished I knew her better. She seemed like a tuff girl, and I wouldn't have minded just being her friend if I had to. I was thinking that if it had been Cathy tonight, she wouldn't have let me do what I wanted, and then make me feel bad afterwards. She probably would've told me exactly what was on her mind. That's how Mark always described her. But while Mark thought it was a bad thing, I thought it might be nice.
I felt lonelier than ever, driving home that night. I had waited so long to grow up – to be like my brothers and their friends. And now that I was here, I'd give anything to be a kid again. I guess Johnny knew what he was talking about; I only wish I had listened to him a bit more carefully. I felt like I had failed his wish somehow; like my childhood had slipped through my fingers like sand.
~/~
"Ponyboy?" Darry said softly, walking into my room that night. "I didn't hear you come in, buddy. How was it?"
"Good," I chimed, not itching to tell him about it all. I didn't want to tell anyone, actually. I was feeling a little sick on the whole thing to tell the truth.
Darry nodded slowly, and pulled out the chair to sit next to the bed, which is where I was reading. "Let's talk."
Oh, great I thought. Here we go. "About?"
He pursed his lips. "Two-Bit."
Well, I thought again. I wasn't expecting that. "Thought we were gonna talk to him."
"Well, yes," he said carefully. "But then I realized that it wasn't fair keeping you in the dark like I was. I thought of how I'd feel if Soda and you were keeping secrets from me, and only one of you would tell me a little."
"What's Soda got to do with anything?" I said a little sharply.
"Nothing, Ponyboy. Jesus, can't you just -?" Darry sighed. "I'm just making an example. You don't have to get so worked up all the time – golly, Ponyboy, it's like you're in love with your own misery."
"I'm not," I seethed. "It's just –"
"Okay, stop." Darry held up a hand. "I want you to stop talking to me like that first of all. Second, we were talking about Two-Bit, remember? Well, you know that he hasn't been in school a lot recently …"
"Yeah," I noted, nodding slowly.
"…and he's gotten real serious lately about everything … but now he's not coming home as often, and I'm really worried about Annie," Darry seemed to go off track, looking thoughtful.
"Darry," I said forcefully, bringing him back to the subject. "I've noticed – and …" I swallowed. "There were loads of bills on the counter when I went over there, Dar. And …" My throat had closed up. I almost felt ashamed to rat out my buddy like this. ". . . pills. On the counter," I whispered.
He seemed to notice something I didn't about my story. He met my gaze sharply, like he had just figured something important out. "Ponyboy … do you know whose pills those are?"
I met his gaze, and then bit my lip. "Are they … his?" And then I understood something odd about my assumption. Those pills were prescribed, it had almost looked like. Oh, lord … what if he wasn't abusing them like I had thought? What if Two-Bit was really sick?
"No," Darry whispered. "Pony, about a month ago, Two-Bit took his Mama in because of some odd stuff that was going on with her. She started getting real tired … and you know she's on her feet all day, working at that bar."
I felt my stomach drop. "Okay, and … ?"
"His Mama's real sick, Ponyboy," Darry said bluntly. "Real sick. She's got a bone disease … Paget's disease. You ever hear of that?"
I shook my head. "So … those are her pills?"
Darry nodded. "Yeah. She just went back to the hospital for some tests last week. Reckon that's why Annie was all alone."
Mrs. Mathews. I felt like bawling. Or throwing something at the wall. I thought of Two-Bit's friendly mother, who would check up on us every now and again even though she worked like a dog. Who never kicked her son out and never seemed to run out of energy, even with a son like Two-Bit. I was angry – why was it that any positive adult in my life had to end up sick or dead? I thought of the different folks I knew – Steve's old man kicking his son out every week, Johnny's slob of a mother, the Shepards' household constantly fighting. And Mrs. Mathews was the one who had to get sick? I thought about what a mess Two-Bit was lately, and I thought about poor Annie, scared out of her mind.
"Hey, maybe I should check on them tomorrow?" I said slowly. Darry took this under consideration.
"I'm sure Two-Bit'd appreciate that. I was actually going to go with him tomorrow and help him find a job. That's what we've been doing for the past few weeks," he explained.
"Good idea," I said dully, but I wasn't listening anymore. My head was too filled with potential outcomes of this. I was even a little afraid of what might happen if I got involved – what could I do?
"Okay," Darry said softly. "Are you gonna be alright tonight, kid?"
"Of course," I retorted coolly, although I knew I wouldn't get much sleep tonight. I wished Soda was here again, so we could talk about it. I'd be able to go to sleep even with such awful news if Soda was here.
I saw Darry nod and look at the floor for a few more seconds before getting up. "Darry …" I called out. He turned around cautiously. I wanted to tell him a lot of things right then. That maybe he didn't have to help Two-Bit on his own, that I thought he was a real swell guy for taking on yet another responsibility like this. I wanted him that I loved him; it seemed important right then to let him know. "Good-night."
He gave me a small smile. "'Night Ponyboy." He clicked the light off and I flipped over on my stomach, plunging my face into the pillow. Why was it so difficult telling Darry this stuff? I almost wanted to have this one power over my oldest brother, and it made less and less sense to me when I'd try to pick a fight with him. Maybe Darry was right – maybe I was in love with my own misery. Maybe I didn't have a real reason for the way I acted.
I lifted my face to the window, taking in the shocking brightness of the moonlight that night. I wanted Soda here to tell me it was going to be OK. I wanted him to promise to talk to Darry and wrap his arms around me, to wake me up by tickling me, and to make cake so sweet that it rotted your teeth out. Mostly I needed him here to be that beacon of light … that light that Darry and I needed; the light we had to follow to find home again. To find each other again.
... HA HA! Shame on all of you people who thought Two-Bit was on drugs! Goodness, do you have such little faith in Two-Bit? That's right ... be ashamed.
We'll have some Annie, Two-Bit, Mrs. Mathews ... and perhaps an appearance from a certain greaser girl? Leave it up to y'all to figure out which one we'll see.
Happy August 8th (?) my readers! Review, critique, flame - do what you must, and do it well.
