A/N: I can't believe this is done, finally. I hope it was worth the wait! I'd like to thank everyone who has read this story, especially those who have stuck with me despite my infrequent posts. I appreciate every review and kind comment, favorite and follow. It's a bit of relief to finally be ending my first multi-chapter story.
To Guest who commented on chapter 11: First of all, that naughty Deeks. He'll have to have another lecture from Sam. Secondly, if I said that Doug was a med student, that's an error. My intention was that Doug attended a nursing program, although I might not have stated it explicitly. So if I did mention med school somewhere, let me know and I'll fix it.
To Guest commenting on chapter 6: Deeks wasn't really in a position or state of mind to take a second shot if he missed or Jerry wasn't incapacitated.
French Fan: Thanks for always being so kind and encouraging! Unfortunately I'll be back in my old position when the school year starts
Again thanks to everyone else who commented and encouraged me throughout writing this fic and hope you enjoy this final chapter.
Ease Thy Conscience
Kensi peered over her left shoulder one last time before tapping out a name on the OPS computer keyboard. It was a little after seven and almost everyone had departed for the day, leaving her with the best opportunity she'd have to complete her task for who knows how long. The first page of information appeared on the screen and Kensi leaned in to read the minute letters.
"Whatcha doing?" Kensi jumped, turning to her right to see Nell about two feet behind her chair. Her mind went completely blank as she attempted to pull together some excuse that would explain why she was using Nell's computer.
"Uh, Hetty asked me to do a search earlier and I couldn't access the information on my laptop," she offered lamely.
"Really?" Nell said looking mildly amused. "Well, maybe I can help you. Let's see who we've got here."
"No." Kensi yelped, reaching to delete the search but not fast enough for the analyst who sent the documents to the big screen. "Crap."
"Ok, why are you looking into Douglas Tourney again? I thought Hetty said he'd been cleared, no charges pending," Nell said. She fixed Kensi with a raised brow in a way that was both irritating and somewhat intimidating. Kensi cleared her throat uncomfortably, rubbing her palms against her jean-clad thighs. It was no big deal; she was a highly trained federal agent while Nell was merely a glorified techie…who could erase her entire life in a second if the urge hit.
"Uh, she did. I just wanted to double check something," she hedged. Nell snorted in disbelief.
"Oh, come on Kensi! I figured something was up when I found you lurking in the hallway two hours ago. I thought you'd be a lot stealthier about sneaking in here," Nell mused. Kensi flushed and cleared her throat.
"I'm kind of under a time constraint," she muttered in explanation. Out of the corner of her eye she swore she saw Nell smirking but didn't think her pride could handle the confirmation. "So are you going to help me or not?" Nell smile condescendingly as though Kensi had just asked the most ridiculous question.
"Of course," she said immediately. Then added upon further reflection. "So long as it isn't something really illegal, you know like breaking into classified documents or killing somebody."
"All I want is Douglas Tourney's number and current address, no one is getting killed and I'm not doing anything illegal," Kensi protested incredulously. "Technically. Just, let me write this down and I'll be out of your hair, ok?"
"Suuure." Nell drawled, making Kensi think that she'd just made a deal with the devil.
"Why did Hetty restrict access to his file anyway?" Kensi asked as she sent the document to a nearby printer. "It's not like he has sensitive information or something." Retrieving the freshly minted documents, Nell stapled the papers with a flourish, tucked them into a folder and handed it to Kensi.
"I don't know. She wouldn't tell me much, just gave me instructions to restrict his file. But I kind of think she didn't want too many people having access to him."
"That's ridiculous." Kensi scoffed. She saw Nell's reflection in the window shrug.
"Yeah, it's not like anybody would want to track him down, right?" She said, just a touch too innocently for Kensi who turned and regarded her with a suspicious glance.
"Just forget that this ever happened, ok?"
"Of course. And if I ever need a favor…?" Nell let her voice trail off, her lips pursed as she met Kensi's eyes.
"Fine, I owe you one. But the same rules that you mentioned apply and it also can't be anything overly embarrassing or something that would get us in trouble with Hetty." Kensi stipulated after a moment's contemplation.
"Says the woman misusing company equipment." Nell muttered under her breath. Holding back a petty retort, lest they descend into the kind of bickering expected of small children, Kensi the results of her search. When she was finished Nell nudged her out of the chair and unceremoniously sent her from the room with a wave of her small hand.
The next day Deeks was putzing around his living room, attempting to keep things relatively tidy while maintaining a hunched position that wouldn't cause undue harm to his tender midsection. The result was that he'd managed to feed Monty and drop a half-full glass of orange juice (which Monty had the honor of cleaning up) before it was 9am. He'd considered just crawling back in bed, but despite a residual feeling of overall exhaustion, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.
The doorbell rang just as Deeks was debating a quick vacuum session, making both dog and owner jerk towards the door. Muttering under his breath, he stepped over Monty's lounging form. He was pretty certain he'd find Kensi darkening his doorstep once again given the fact that she'd texted him twenty minutes before asking if he was home. He'd been half tempted to reply that he'd gone out to do a little surfing.
He opened the door with a quick tug that induced another wince and met Kensi's pleasant smile with a raised brow.
"Still not dead," he started, his voice trailing off into a creak as he caught sight of the figure lurking a couple feet behind her. Douglas Tourney's mouth opened slightly, his eyes widening as daylight illuminated a wealth of bruises and cuts that hadn't been visible the last time they'd seen each other. Deeks scrubbed a hand through his hair and grabbed Kensi's arm, for once not worrying about acts of retaliation as he tugged her halfway through the doorway.
"Kensi, what is he doing here?" he demanded. The last couple days had afforded him a lot of time for reflection, allowing him to conclude that Doug was no longer his responsibility and; therefore, he had no reason to feel guilty. That all flew right out the window upon seeing the younger man.
"He wanted to talk with you," Kensi said innocently, lifting her arms as though she'd had no choice but to comply with Doug's supposed wishes.
"Really?" he said shortly. His expression remained unamused as his gaze flicked back to Doug who was shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and pretending not to listen in on their conversation.
"Ok, I contacted him," she conceded easily and without a speck of remorse. "But," Kensi raised a finger to forestall Deeks' protest. "I didn't drag him here." Right, she'd probably just threatened to castration if he didn't come quietly.
"Why would you do this?" he asked, sheer disbelief masking the anger that was threatening to break through. Deeks supposed he should have expected that Kensi wouldn't let the matter go without a fight. For all she loved her own privacy and anonymity, it seemed she couldn't bear to keep silent when she felt he was making a mistake.
"I brought him here because you're still feeling guilty and taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault," Kensi said in a low tone that Deeks was fairly certain still made its way back to Doug. "Now are you going to let us in, cause we're a little conspicuous out here." Blowing out a short breath, Deeks shoved the door all the way open and lifted an arm in a sweeping gesture of false welcome.
"Why not, it's not like this plan could get any worse," he muttered, thinking that it had the potential to grow exponentially worse if the last week was anything to go by. Doug eyed him nervously for a moment before taking one large step towards the door and edging carefully by Deeks as though he might strike out at any moment. Kensi smiled cheerfully, if a little forced, and followed after Doug. They stood in an uneven triangle of sorts in the middle of his living room, Kensi between the two men while Doug kept glancing in both their directions, a hint of distrust still lurking in his expression. At this point Deeks couldn't really say he blamed him; abduction tended frighten even the stoutest of people.
"So…why don't I fix something to eat while you two talk?" Kensi said when the tension had reached Vesuvius proportions. Deeks raised a brow at Kensi's continued and convenient willingness to occupy his kitchen. She merely smiled again, an oddly sweet, and obviously fake, pursing of her lips before executing a smooth pivot and hastily walking away.
"She doesn't have to do that," Doug muttered once Kensi had left the room. He was staring at his feet, reminding Deeks of the teenager he once knew rather than a full-grown adult.
"Don't worry, I doubt she's actually cooking anything in there…and if she is then God help us all."
"I see you still have a rotten sense of humor," he said bitterly, finally lifting his gaze to focus on Deeks' half-healed split lip. For the next minute or so he continued to eye each and every injury with a disconcerting amount of intensity, making Deeks wish they could go back to uncomfortable silence. Finally when he had reached the bruises that peeked out from beneath the edge of Deeks' t-shirt, he nodded to himself, apparently having come to some decision. Deeks just hoped it wasn't painful.
"Does it hurt a lot?" he asked, staring at the wounds that were obviously more recent.
"Yeah, it does. Not as much as at first but you probably know that bullet wounds and broken ribs don't heal overnight," Deeks responded after a moment, choosing to be honest. He felt that lying or false bravado would only further irritate the younger man.
"Huh," Doug grunted. He looked mildly appeased as though he found some satisfaction from knowing Deeks wasn't getting off scott-free in the pain department. And maybe he did. Maybe that was whole reason behind this little visit, the chance to exact as much retribution as possible. Well, he thought sarcastically, there's was an excellent reason for that, you killed his freaking uncles.
"Good talk," he muttered grumpily. The ever pervasive ache that ran from roughly his neck to his knees had decided to return full force, and it was making him short-tempered and uncharitable. He really just wanted to sack out on the couch until he passed out or Kensi actually brought him food. Finally, having enough of Doug's shifty-eyed glances he wordlessly bypassed the younger man and slowly eased himself down onto a couch cushion, closed his eyes and let his held fall back with a grateful sigh.
"Are you ok?" Doug asked, as though he couldn't help but inquire. Even with his eyes closed, he could almost sense Doug reconsidering his physical state, perhaps wondering if he'd need to provide medical assistance. Deeks nearly chuckled at the thought.
"Yeah, peachy," Opening his eyes just a slit, Deeks noted the conflicting emotions flickering across Doug's face. He looked even more confused than when he'd first walked through the door, a mixture of anger, hurt and grief all competing for dominance.
This damned guilt was going to be the death of him. Hazarding a quick glance towards the kitchen on the off chance that Kensi might magically appear, he internally groaned and cursed his inconvenient conscience.
"Why are you here, Doug? I know you don't want to be here anymore than I do, so what did you come for?" Deeks asked, shoving a spare pillow behind his back and wishing he hadn't skipped his afternoon dose of pain meds.
"You told me you had to kill them," Doug answered eventually. He had turned so he faced the opposite direction of Deeks and started fiddling with the various knickknacks in the room. "Is that true? Did you really have to, or was it just a convenient way to get rid of a couple people you never liked?" This was exactly why he'd never wanted to have this conversation; the accusation in Doug's voice, the blatant look of betrayal said that Deeks was no better than the criminal he'd pretended to be.
"Yes." His simple answer was met with a disgusted noise. Turning back around, Doug fixed him with a piercing stare.
"That's all you have to say?"
"You're not gonna," he paused to readjust his pillow, "believe me no matter what I say." Doug looked briefly bemused as though he'd expected Deeks to provide a well thought out and comprehensive defense of his actions.
"You don't even care, do you?" Doug said incredulously, the disgust returning to his face. His nostrils flared as he spoke and his hands curled into fists. Considering them for a moment, Deeks affected a carefully unconcerned tone.
"Well, that's certainly not the truth, but again, that doesn't really matter too much if you're determined to think the worst of me."
"Quit being such an ass!" Doug shouted. He'd been fiddling with a wooden coaster and Deeks couldn't quite hide his flinch when it went crashing against the right wall.
"Feel better?" he asked placidly. He was almost certain that the younger man wouldn't become violent; his actions in the alley where that of a person who had snapped under great distress. He was also certain that if it did come down to it, Kensi would keep his battered body from undue harm. Unless she'd succumbed to a Twinkie induced coma.
Slowly Doug seemed to gather control of himself. He'd walked several feet away, once again facing away from the couch, his shoulders moving slightly with each breath he took and his fists clenching rhythmically.
"I trusted you and now I'm not sure I can believe anything you told me. You lied," he bit out at last.
"I didn't lie about the important things," Deeks reminded him. Doug absentmindedly fingered the top of a picture frame that held a photo of Deeks and Monty at the beach.
"Oh no…just your name and occupation and why you dropped into my life. I always told my uncles that you were better than them because at least you had integrity. Now it turns out I was wrong about that too!" He jabbed his finger in Deeks' direction as though he could physically make him feel the sting of his words.
"Yes, I lied about those things and maybe it makes me a terrible person, but it shouldn't make you question yourself as a person."
"Everything I knew is gone! I have no family, the person I revered for years is a fake and now I broke the promise I made to you and myself. How do I not let that affect me?" Doug asked brokenly. Deeks heart clenched and he wished to god that he could give him an easy answer that would fix everything. Tensing himself for the anticipated pain, Deeks struggled to his feet and walked over to his side.
"You made a bad decision a few nights ago, but you stopped yourself. That more than anything shows me that you're a good man." Doug looked over his shoulder, his eyes shining slightly with unshed tears. He quickly returned his attention to the photo and tilted so the light glinted off the glass and sucked in a wet-sounding breath.
"If I'm such a good person, then why do I feel relieved that the rest of my family is gone?" he said. Deeks blew out a short breath. Carefully, so as not to alarm Doug, he laid a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed. He wasn't sure anything he could say would be adequate.
"Sometimes, as horrible as it sounds, it's a lot easier when certain members of your family aren't around anymore. For a while you'll be confused and sometimes you'll feel guilty when you realize that you're life just got a whole lot better, but eventually you just might come to the conclusion that Jerry and Tom made certain decisions, terrible decisions that are in no way your fault. And that's when you'll start to feel ok again." Deeks finished speaking, hoping his words would actually get through to the younger man who seemed determined to doubt everything, including himself.
"Sounds like you have some experience with that," Doug said in a thick voice. He hastily wiped his hand beneath his nose and Deeks had to remind himself once again that he wasn't speaking with a teenager but a man who was desperately looking for reassurance.
"Some," Deeks agreed, pleasantly surprised he hadn't made things worse.
"And how did you get through it?"
"Well, first I did a lot of stupid things and blamed myself for stuff that wasn't my fault. Then after a while I finally realized that I was allowed to be happy and like I said, stopped blaming myself for other people's bad decisions," Deeks reiterated.
"Just that simple." Doug murmured. Deeks chuckled humorously, finally drawing Doug's attention from the picture. He looked mildly surprised by his reaction.
"I'm still working on it if I'm being honest, but the important thing to remember is not to let it affect your integrity. You're a good person; you can keep being a good person even if it feels like your world if imploding." Doug stared at him for several moment and then shook his head, his expression sad.
"I want to forgive you. I want to say that none of it matters, but I can't. I can't trust you and I can't forget, not now." His voice broke completely. It astonished Deeks how much the younger man had built him up in his mind.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't stick around," Deeks offered, although he didn't know if it would have actually helped. The illusionary Max Gentry might have been a better role model than the real Marty Deeks.
"Yeah. Um, I think I'm going to go now. Tell Officer Blye that I can make my own way home," Doug said thickly. He held out a hand without looking Deeks in the eye. Once Deeks had extended his own hand, Doug gave it a single, cursory shake and swiftly turned for the door. He turned the knob, but just before he stepped out, he whispered, "Thanks, Marty."
A minute later he sensed Kensi approaching from behind him and then felt a familiar hand squeeze his bicep.
"That didn't exactly go the way I thought it would," she admitted. Deeks raised a questioning eyebrow as he made his way back to the couch, his mind on getting horizontal as fast as possible.
"What were you expecting, hugs and kisses?" He eased back down onto the couch with a sigh and blindly reached for his pain pills. Kensi tsked, grabbing hold of the little canister, removing two tablets and pointedly dropping them in Deeks' palm. "Thank you," He said dutifully.
"Smart ass. I thought you'd come to more of an understanding, but he seems just as confused as when I picked him up, if not more," Kensi answered once she'd replaced the bottle. Making an inordinate amount of noise, she dropped onto the couch beside Deeks, bouncing a few times before she wiggled around to find a more comfortable position. Deeks glared at her.
"By the way, you sounded like a really lame guru, 'in a few years you'll realize that it's not your fault, blah, blah, blah,'" Kensi mocked, chuckling to herself at her very poor impression of him.
"It's good that I have such kind, supporting friends," Deeks said.
"You're lucky to have me," she agreed modestly. "Do you think he'll be ok?" she asked, glancing towards the door. He didn't immediately answer, not because he was confused about her question, but rather because he wanted to make sure his answer was sincere.
"Yeah," he said at last. "Not right away. But I think as long as he doesn't do anything stupid, he'll turn out alright."
"You mean something stupid like driving a stolen car to the Mexican border?" Kensi asked gleefully.
"Hey, that story was told in confidence," he protested adamantly amidst Kensi's snorts. Well, score one for Agent Blye, he thought. Her terrible sense of humor was working. "Besides, he's a lot older and a lot smarter than I was during that particular indiscretion. I think he'll do the right thing."
"What about you? Still feeling guilty?" Kensi prodded, exclaiming when Deeks groaned in exasperation, "I am just looking out for your emotional health!" He shook his head at her audacity, feeling a rush of affection instead of the annoyance he would have expected.
"Well, Dr. Blye, I'll have you know that I was dealing with my…feelings just fine before you arrived." Kensi stuck out her tongue and Deeks reciprocated with a raised finger. "But I will admit it was good to speak with him; at least I had a chance to explain things, make sure that I didn't actually screw him up too much."
"Good," Kensi said, pleased with the results of her meddling. Together they relaxed in the peaceful silence for a few minutes. Perhaps, Deeks thought, he might just be done with this whole mess. He allowed his body to slide down into the impression made by years of use, flinging an arm over his closed eyes.
"So…I have a question for you," Kensi started, dashing his hopes of a quiet, uninterrupted evening.
"You didn't actually make dinner, right?" he asked, popping one eye open to check if she was teasing him again.
"No, I didn't have time," she admitted mournfully. "I actually wanted to ask you about what you were saying the night we found you in the alley. You were too out of it at the hospital and then I almost forgot about it with all the Doug business." Both of Deeks' eyes sprang wide open as he wildly searched his mind for some memory of this supposed conversation.
"Wha–uh, what, what did I say?" He stammered. Kensi's response in the form of a predatory smile would be burned into his mind for a long time to come.
"The question you really should be asking yourself is: what will it take for me not to mention it to Callen and Sam?"
A/N: It's done, for better or worse. Again, thanks for reading!
