Read. Enjoy. Review. (The reading and enjoying are for you, the reviews are for me!)
I own Evelyne Forrester, nothing more.


Chapter Twelve: All I've Ever Wanted

Jaime felt as if he was moving in slow motion when he turned away from Evelyne to look toward where the King's Guard stood in the center of the tourney field facing the king. There were six of them, in their shining white plate and their bright, white cloaks. There had been a time, not that long ago, when he had wanted nothing more than to be one of them. But that had been before Evelyne.

He felt her tense in her seat beside him. She was not looking at him, her blue eyes were staring straight ahead, but he could tell that she was waiting for him to move. Her fingers were clenched tightly in his own, her spine as straight as a rod. She was too proud to beg him to stay, he would have to make that decision on his own. But he could tell that she would not relax until he did.

He glanced between them, the Brotherhood that he had wanted to be a part of since he was a young boy playing with a practice sword and the woman that he had come to care for in a surprisingly short amount of time. They were both waiting for him to make his decision. And as much as he wanted both, he could not have them. He would have to choose between them.

He sighed, "Evelyne," he whispered to her. He knew that she was proud, he knew that she would never beg him to choose her, but he wanted her to. He needed to know that when he turned the king down, when he turned his back on his lifelong dream, he needed to know that she would be there for him, with him, beside him.

She took a shallow, shaky breath, her eyes closed, her fingers untangled from his own. She was distancing herself from him, letting him go. He wanted to hear that she needed him to stay with her, what he got instead was a silent goodbye.

"Ev," he tried again, begging her to look at him. "Please, say something."

She shook her head, he couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard her whimper. He begged her again, to say anything at all to him. "Just go, Ser Jaime," she bit out, still not looking at him. "We both know you want to."

"Ev," he tried again, this is not what he wanted from her. Just a matter of an hour ago the two of them had been walking together, joking about their lives together and now she couldn't even look at him. He needed her to look at him. He needed to know that he wasn't alone.

She shook her head again, "Jaime," she sighed, her voice cracking with the effort to stay steady. "Go, they're waiting for you. This is all you've ever wanted. Go."

"You're all I've ever wanted, Ev," Jaime sighed.

She shook her head, "Don't Jaime," she told him. "Don't make it harder. This is what you've wanted since you were a young boy. We talked about it the first time we met, remember? I teased you, I told you that if you ever married it would be because you were rejected from the guard. When you asked for my hand, when you wooed me, I allowed myself to believe that you truly wanted me and that it wasn't because you thought that you would never become part of the King's Guard. But I was wrong."

"Ev, no," Jaime started, he wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she didn't understand. He wanted her, not the King's Guard.

"You're a kind man, Jaime Lannister," she told him, still not meeting his gaze. "A good man. If I held you to your word I know that you would keep it. If I told you to stay with me you would. And at the end of this tournament you would ask for my hand and you would marry me. I know it. You would do your best to make me happy. But you would never be happy, not after turning your back on your dream." She shook her head. "Go. Please don't make me beg you to leave me. Give me that at least."

He reached out for her hand. She pulled it away, placing both of her hands in her lap, her fists clenched. Her whole body shaking in her effort to look strong. His gaze swept over her face, her blue eyes sparkled not with excitement but tears. Her jaw clenched. Her lips trembled.

She had made up her mind. She would say goodbye to him. She would force him to say goodbye to her. Earlier that afternoon she had promised him that she would marry him and now she was pushing him to accept a position in the King's Guard, a place that would never allow him to marry her.

For a moment he hated her, she had made him love her and then she had sentenced him to a life without her. He had thought that she was different from Cersei, his escape from his sister's cold and cruel nature. But this seemed worse than anything his sister had ever done. But as he looked at her, watched as she tried not to cry, he realized that she did not mean to be cruel. She meant to set him free. And there was nothing that he could say that would make her believe that he wanted her more than he wanted the white cloak.

His jaw clenched. She had already said goodbye to him and now it was time for him to say goodbye to her. "I truly do love you, Ev," he told her.

She closed her eyes, a tear escaping her left eye and slid down her cheek. He reached out, to wipe it away but she jerked her head away from his hand. "Just go, Jaime," she begged him. "Please."

He sighed, "As you will, my lady," he told her. He stood from his seat and bowed to her, "Should you ever be in need of my service -"

"I will look for you in King's Landing," she bit out, her blue eyes finally turning to meet his gaze. The tears were still there, but her eyes were narrowed and cold. Like the first time he had met her. He had overstayed his welcome, that much was certain.

"Good day, my lady," he told her with another nod before he turned and walked away from her.

His shoulders felt tight as he walked away from her, as if he was carrying some heavy burden on his back. Everything in him screamed at him to turn around, to walk back to Evelyne to tell her that he loved her and to ask her to be his wife. Everything in him ordered him to tell the King's Guard that he was grateful for their offer but that he could not accept.

But instead he steeled himself, he clenched his fists and slowly walked down to the six knights. He knelt in front of Ser Gerald Hightower and in front of the king and most of the court he said his vows.

"Under the grace of House Targaryen, I, Jaime Lannister, hereby swear on my honor and my allegiance to protect the King, the Queen, and their family. I will do my duties until death, and through that time, keep all secrets of the King safe from spread. I will not speak unless spoken to, and I will defend the King's land or pay the price. I will wed no wife, sire no children, and hold no land. I will master the gate, pluck the bow, handle the blade, and serve my realm: for now and forever."

The crowd had cheered when Ser Gerald raised him up and placed the white cloak around his shoulders. He did not care about the cloak, he did not care about the brotherhood, he did not care about the cheering crowd. He cared about one thing, one person. Once the ceremony was done he turned, looking through the crowd for the girl with fire in her hair and ice in her veins.

But his red haired temptress, the woman he was sure that he would still love for the rest of his life, she was no where to be found. At some point after he had left her she had disappeared from the tourney grounds.

He sighed, he couldn't blame her, he wouldn't blame her. He turned back toward the king and moved to his place at his side. Aerys smiled at him, almost serenely, "Well met, Ser Jaime," he greeted him echoing the words Evelyne had used earlier that afternoon. "Look happier, will you? Your sister told Queen Rhaella that joining the King's Guard was your greatest ambition."

Jaime forced a smile onto his lips. "It is, Your Grace, and I thank you for the honor."

"It isn't meant as an honor boy," the king told him. "I have enemies everywhere. I need the bravest and the best protecting me. You are one of them."

"I hope to prove that during the tournament," Jaime murmured.

The king shook his head, laughing almost, "Did you not hear your vows, Ser Jaime?" he asked. "You vowed to protect the King, the Queen, and their family. As you can see, all seven members of the King's Guard are here. Queen Rhaella is at the Red Keep Someone must guard her."

"Surely," Jaime started, he could not believe it. He had hoped for another chance to speak to Evelyne, a moment to explain himself to her. But Aerys seemed determined not to allow it.

The king shook his head, "You will ride for King's Landing tonight, Ser Jaime," he ordered. "You will win no honor here."

And it was then that Jaime realized why he had been named to the King's Guard. It was not to reward him for his skill on the battlefield or the tourney field. It was to punish his father, to keep him in line, to steal his heir.

He had turned his back on Evelyne, he had abandoned a life with her for a hollow victory.

-.-.-.-.-

She couldn't stay to watch him swear his vows. She could not sit in the stands and listen to him swear that he would never take a wife, that he would never father children. She could not pretend that her heart wasn't breaking when she watched him get everything he had ever wanted. She had told him to go, she had set him free, but there had been a large part of her that wished that he would turn around, that he would choose her, that he would want her.

But he hadn't. He had walked down to the six white cloaks without a look back over his shoulder for her.

And so she had left. Her initial plan had been to walk back to her pavilion and to spend the next ten days avoiding him. But on her walk to her tent she realized that she could not do that. She could not stay here, so close to him and not have him. It would break her more than he already had.

So, when she finally made it to the Forrester tents she approached one of the men at arms. "I need to return home," she told him, flinching at the way her voice cracked when she spoke. The last thing that she wanted was to begin to cry in front of one of her father's men.

"Tonight, my lady?" the man asked.

She nodded. "As soon as possible," she told him. "I will pack my trunk and we will be on our way."

"It will be dark soon, my lady," he told her. "Perhaps we should wait until morning."

"Are you afraid to ride in the dark, ser?" she asked him, her tone no longer broken, but biting and strong. "We will take the King's Road most of the way up, it is a well traveled road, there will be people on it tonight riding for Harrenhal. We won't be alone. I would like to ride as far as we can before we stop for the night. I hope to be at Ironrath by the end of the next week."

He seemed surprised by her statement, she was setting a bruising pace, she was aware of that. But she was so desperate to put as much space between herself and Jaime Lannister that she did not care. "If I may, my lady," the man started, his voice gentle, "perhaps we should ask your brothers first. I imagine that they will be angry to learn that you left this late in the evening."

"And you are worried they will punish you?" she asked him, arching an eyebrow. She shook her head, "No. I will make it clear to them that I gave you no choice in the matter."

"My lady -"

"What is your name, ser?" Evelyne asked him, interrupting him before he could speak again.

"Harold, my lady," he told her, squaring his shoulders.

She nodded, "Harold, you are sworn to serve House Forrester. Is that correct?" He nodded. "And am I not a part of House Forrester?"

"You are, my lady."

"Then would you or would you not be serving House Forrester by escorting me back to Ironrath. Tonight."

"I would be, my lady," he told her. "But I would prefer to leave in the morning, if it is all the same to you."

"It is not all the same to me," she told him as she started to move past him. "I will be leaving for Ironrath with or without you, Harold," she told him. "While I pack my trunk, if I were you I would consider whether or not you would get in more trouble for riding with me or letting me ride alone."

She packed quickly, her mother would be angry when she saw the state of her dresses. Instead of folding them neatly she had thrown them in the trunk. She was sure that she was forgetting something, but her brothers would make sure to bring anything she left behind with them when they returned home.

She took a moment to scribble out a quick note to her brothers, telling them that she had to return home to Ironrath, that she could not stay at Harrenhal another minute. Asher, at least, would understand, she was sure of it.

And then, struggling a bit with the weight she lifted her trunk and began to carry it out of her tent. She was moving slowly, she had not reached the flaps yet when she heard Harold speaking to a man outside her tent. "Ser, you cannot enter the lady's tent. If you will wait she will be out in a moment."

"What is she doing in there?" she heard someone ask.

Not someone, she thought, him. She would recognize Jaime Lannister's voice anywhere. She cursed herself for writing a note for her brothers. She cursed Harold for putting up so much of a fight about leaving that evening. She cursed herself again for packing her trunk. They should have simply left.

"Packing, I imagine," Harold supplied.

"Packing?" Jaime asked.

"Yes," she cut in, exiting her tent and smiling gratefully at Harold as he rushed forward to take her trunk from her hands. "Ser Jaime, I must say that I am surprised to see you so soon. Should you not be guarding the king? You are a member of the King's Guard, after all, are you not?"

It was a stupid, pointless question, she could see that he was part of the King's Guard, he had a white cloak on his shoulders. And she was being needlessly cruel, she had told him to join, she had no right to be angry that he had listened to her.

"Ev," he sighed, his face was defeated, but his voice was soft. For a moment she felt sorry for him. Then he sighed and shook his head, "What are you doing?" he asked her, this time his tone was colored with the exasperation that he had promised her she would no doubt make him feel.

"I'm going home," she told him. "Tonight. As soon as Harold saddles my horse."

"You can't!" Jaime tried to argue with her.

"I assure you," she told him, "I can. And you, Ser, are not in a position to try to tell me what to do."

"It's not safe," Jaime argued, moving closer to her.

"You should know me well enough to know that I do not shy away because of fear," she told him, looking over his shoulder to make sure that the men were saddling her horse and preparing to leave. If it got much darker Harold and the few men that would be traveling with her might overrule her and force her to stay until morning. She could not stay the night, she could not stay another second.

For a moment he looked as though he were going to reach out to touch her. "Is this because of me?" he asked her.

She laughed, a harsh humorless laugh so unlike her own, "Typical Lannister," she told him, shaking her head. "To think this is about you. This is about me. I have nothing to keep me here. Nothing to tie me to this tournament. I thought I had a reason to be here, but it seems that I thought wrong. If it's all the same I would rather be back at Ironrath than here."

"I'm leaving," he told her, swallowing his pride. She appreciated how much it must have embarrassed him to tell her that, but she refused to change her mind. "If that helps," he continued. "The king has sent me to King's Landing to guard Queen Rhaella. So if even a tiny bit of you wants to leave because of me, you needn't worry. I leave tonight."

"This isn't about you, Jaime," she bit out. "This is about me. I need to leave."

"And I needed you," he whispered.

Her gaze quickly rose to his face, she had not expected that. "Perhaps you should have thought about that before you swore your oath and put on your white cloak," she told him.

"You told me to!" Jaime argued.

"Because you wanted it!" She sighed and shook her head, "I don't want to fight with you, Jaime," she told him. "I just can't be here. Whether you're here or not, I can't be here. Please understand that. And please move out of the way."

Jaime sighed, but he moved out of her way. He followed her to her horse, and ever the gentleman, he helped her climb into her saddle. "Safe journey, my lady," he told her, not meeting her gaze.

She stared at him for a moment and sighed, "Tell your father he should be proud," she told him. He scoffed at that, but did not argue. There would have been a time when he would have told her why he scoffed, there would have been a time when she felt it was her right to ask. Now that time had gone. "He should be," she told him, her voice harder so that he would know that she meant it. "You're the youngest member ever named to the King's Guard. Eighteen years old and already a white cloak. That speaks volumes. Your legacy is set."

Jaime's smile was rueful, "There was a time when I had thought that my legacy would be the children you gave me," he told her.

She smiled down at him, she could imagine them. Little children with his gold hair and her blue eyes. Or her red curls and his feline eyes. All high cheekbones and long eyelashes. She shook her head, imagining their lives together was not going to help her forget him. "Instead you have a different one," she told him. "No less honorable. There is no shame in it." She glanced over his head and nodded toward Harold, silently telling him that it was time to start riding. "I wish you well, Ser Jaime," she told him. "Perhaps one day you will tell me of all your white cloaked adventures. Until then, you know where to find me."

His tone was bitter when he spoke, "No doubt at Winterfell. Your father will start to negotiate your betrothal to Ned Stark again."

He meant to hurt her. He knew that after everything they had told each other that she would never be happy with Ned, that she would spend her days wishing for Jaime. She would not allow him to see how much it hurt her. Instead she shrugged her shoulders and took her reins in her hands, "I was always made for the North," she told him. "What was it you once said? I have ice in my veins? It would have only melted down in the south."

And then, without a look back at him she started to ride north.


Author's Note:

Oh, these poor sweet children. If only they would talk to each other. If only they talked to each other. But instead they make assumptions and blame each other for them. You just want to yell at them, don't you?
But I love them anyway! And I loved this chapter!
And I hope you did as well! Than you so much for reading.
And thank you in advance for the lovely reviews I know you're going to leave me! Let's see if we can't break 100 of them, shall we?

HPuni101: I've always loved a kinder Tywin Lannister. It's pretty much cannon in my mind. I like to believe that he didn't get truly hard and cruel, even after Joanna's death, until after Jaime joined the King's Guard. Then he had lost his wife and his heir. The Tywin Lannister that might appear in later chapters won't be as kind.
Even though I ignored your wishes, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter!

lilnightmare17: Thank you so much! I hope this chapter was just as awesome as the last!

The Mikaelson Cupcake: You're horrible feeling was right, Jaime said yes. But this is not the end of this story. He and Evelyne will be running into each other very soon. This is just a wrench. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

calh: I love nothing more than a good cliffhanger! This chapter did not end on one, but I thought that, maybe I'd enough damage to you guys that I'd end it on a definite note. I hope you enjoyed it!

Radio Free Death: It probably would fit better into the book category. Can I switch it after it's already been posted? As for your questions about the drab conditions and if it was part of the appeal ... call it creative license.

chickeyd: Oh my goodness! This is one of the longest reviews I have gotten for this story. It makes me ridiculously happy! I'm so glad that you are enjoying Evelyne and Jaime's characterization. And I'm thrilled that their relationship is engaging. It's always a risk, creating an OC in a well-loved universe, so I'm happy this risk is paying off and you guys are enjoying it.
I'm glad you liked the letters, the next chapter is full of them too.
I did enjoy the last TWO episodes of GoT. They were AMAZING!

Bella-swan11: Don't worry about Prince Rhaegar friend, there's another Targaryen who's gonna have his eye on Evelyne.

snoowbunnie: Don't worry! They might still end up together. And Cersei will definitely be back to cause drama. But I had to do it, I had to put a white cloak on him! I'm sorry!

That's all I've got for now friends! I'll be back soon!
Until next time,
Chloe Jane.