November, 2015
Blaine turned the page in his book to start reading another chapter. Tomorrow was a very important exam that he couldn't fail which meant that he had to stay in the library as long as he could. "Blaine, come on. We should get going." Mellissa said trying to gain his attention. Blaine blinked his eyes a few times and checked the time. It was already half past eight. He looked around and noticed that except for them there was only the librarian.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Blaine didn't really want to come home but he knew that Robert was waiting for him so he closed the book deciding that he could finish reading it at home no matter how hard it was to focus there. He looked over at his friend and noticed the sea of sadness in her brown eyes even though she was doing her best to fake a smile. Blaine hated when people tried to be cheerful and enthusiastic around him as if when they stopped smiling for even a second it would make Blaine break down.
They packed up their books and slowly exited the building sending apologetic smiles towards the librarian. Once they were outside Blaine buttoned his jacket and shoved his hands deep into his pockets shivering under the cold. Mellissa got rid of her pony tail letting her brown hair fall in waves on her shoulders and wrapped a colorful scarf around her neck which covered her mouth. She looked really adorable, like a small kitten. "Maybe you want to go to the cinema or something? It's not that late." She suggested after a moment of silence.
Blaine instantly shook his head even though he really wanted to postpone going home. "Thank you but Robert's babysitter is not going to stay with him for that long and besides I still need to finish studying if I want to pass this test tomorrow."
The street lamp next to the library illuminated Mellissa's face which let Blaine see all the emotions playing there. She looked both sad and disappointed. The girl rested her hand on Blaine's arm in a comforting gesture making Blaine feel slightly better. "Will you be alright?"
"Of course." Blaine immediately replied faking a smile.
"See you tomorrow then. Kiss Rob for me." She smiled and briefly kissed Blaine's cheek.
"Of course. Have a safe drive." The girl started walking towards her car and Blaine was about to do the same but then she turned her head around and called over her shoulder. "I'm going to pray for your mother."
"Thank you!" Blaine called after her. Even though he was far from a religious person it was still a nice thought that someone was going to include his mother in their prayers. It couldn't possibly hurt. Blaine slowly wandered over to his car and got into the vehicle. He gripped the stirring wheel tightly in his hands until his knuckles turned white. Blaine stared ahead dreading the moment of starting the engine and beginning the drive home.
It wasn't that he didn't want to see Robert again. He really wanted to have his baby boy in his arms but the problem was that he didn't want to be home if his mother was not going to be there with him. If he could he would drive straight to the hospital to spend the whole night with her but he was a father and a college students which meant that he had also other responsibilities.
Blaine finally started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. He felt a little guilty for having so little time for his sick mother but the woman had almost forced him to go to college and finally get some proper education. Maybe becoming a music teacher in elementary schools wasn't what he had originally planned to do in his life but it was a practical profession. In this situation he didn't want to study something that could possibly not give him a job in the future.
During Blaine's drive home it started raining matching Blaine's horrible mood perfectly. He just wanted to forget for at least a couple of minutes about all of this but it was impossible. Blaine knew that he could always go to a club, get wasted and pick up a random guy whose face he wouldn't remember in the morning but then he would feel guilty and he didn't want to feel that way.
Way too soon Blaine found himself in front of his house. He parked his mother's car in the garage and slowly walked towards the front door. He tried the handle but it turned out that the door was locked so he fished his key out of his pocket and unlocked it. Inside the lights were switched off so he quietly walked through the hallway towards the living room from where he could hear muffled sounds. Blaine peeked inside to find Samantha sitting on the sofa and watching some movie.
"Hi." Blaine greeted the girl gaining her attention. The teenager looked up at him with her light blue eyes and smiled slightly. "I'm sorry for being so late. Of course I'll pay you for everything."
Samantha waved her hand dismissively. "It's alright. When Rob went to sleep at least I had time to do all of my homework and study a bit."
"Was he good today?" Blaine asked.
Her smile faded a little. "Yeah, everything was alright but I can see that he misses you like crazy. He kept asking for his dada all the time. The poor guy still hasn't gotten used to me."
"He'll come around. You'll see." Blaine said regretfully. He didn't like the idea of his son getting close to strangers but for now there was no other option and Samantha was a good girl so Blaine was convinced that Robert was in good hands. "Now go home. Your parents are probably worried sick."
"Nah, I called them. They're fine with it."
"Okay, have a safe drive home then." Blaine paid her and watched as she left the house. Blaine followed her with his eyes feeling the wave of jealously wash over him. That girl was still a careless teenager with no real problems and responsibilities. Sometimes Blaine wanted to be like her more than anything else. Only a few years ago he could dream of great things and now all he could ask for was for his mom to get better.
Blaine took off his jacket and shoes before shuffling to the kitchen to get himself a can of beer. He was officially twenty one now and no one would stop him from drinking. He sat down in front of the TV screen and watched some mindless comedy for two hours. Then he decided that he should revise for the exam so he took his books, turned off the TV and walked upstairs passing Pamela's room without even glancing at the closed door.
He entered his room and switched on the little lamp standing on his bedside table. Blaine put the books down on the bed and walked over to Robert's crib. He wrapped his hands around the railing and looked down at the little boy who was peacefully sleeping. His dark curls were sticking in every possible direction which made the corner's of Blaine's mouth turn up creating a small smile. Robert didn't really know what was going on. He was clearly confused because his beloved grandma wasn't there with him anymore.
Now the boy was stick with his father and two babysitters. Blaine carefully ran his hand through the boy's hair trying not to wake him up. Then he lied down on his bed and started reading the book despite the fact that he felt as if he was going to pass out.
Blaine hugged his son tightly seeing as he was going to start crying at any second. He was close to tears himself but Blaine didn't want to show his son how weak he was. That wouldn't help at all. Blaine handed the little boy over to the middle-aged woman, Angela and waved to the little boy. "Dada!" Robert called after Blaine, his eyes already full of tears.
But Blaine didn't do anything knowing that it would only make the situation worse. So he just turned around and left the house closing the room behind him. He got into his car and started driving, still with little to no enthusiasm to reach his destination. Blaine loved his mother, and he knew he needed to be there for her, he wanted to be there for her but it was still extremely hard to see her so weak and vulnerable.
When Blaine parked his car he had trouble getting out of the vehicle but he knew that he needed to show his mother that he was not scared, that he was optimistic. But he wasn't. Not anymore. Despite his mother's effort to convince him that everything was going in to the right direction Blaine wasn't stupid. He knew that it was just a comforting lie.
Blaine entered the building and walked through the familiar corridors not stopping to say good morning to any of the nurses or doctors that he recognized. He wasn't there for them after all and he was not about to give them some of his precious time since he could spend it with his mother. Blaine stopped in front of the door to his mother's room doing his best to put on a mask that would fool his mother into thinking that he wasn't falling apart. So Blaine put on a fake smile and pushed the door open.
Blaine's heart broke just a tiny bit more when he saw Pamela lying on the hospital bed. It had been only three months but the woman didn't look like Blaine's mother at all. She was pale, skinny and bald. There was no trace of the elegant woman she once was. But to Blaine she was still the most beautiful creature on the face of the earth.
The woman looked up at Blaine and smiled softly putting the book she had been reading away. Her face scrunched in pain as she attempted to sit up straight. Seeing her struggle Blaine rushed over to help her. Once she was seated comfortably Blaine sat down on a chair next to her bed and took her hand into his. "How are you feeling?"
Pamela rolled her eyes. Blaine knew that she was tired of hearing this question over and over but he kept asking it because he desperately needed to hear that sweet lie come out of her mouth. "I'm alright." She replied massaging her thumb over Blaine's palm.
She had been miserable and almost depressed at first but now she seemed to be mostly okay with what she was going though. It didn't mean that she was happy about it but that she had accepted her illness and learned to live with it.
Blaine decided to let her lie to him knowing well enough that she was in a massive amount of pain but she still wanted her son to think that she was unbreakable. "How's Robert?" She asked. Blaine immediately smiled knowing how much she loved to hear stories about her grandson.
"He learned a few new words." Blaine said proudly. "But he still hasn't gotten used to constantly being switched between two babysitters." Seeing how Pamela's smile faded slightly Blaine quickly continued. "But he's getting there. He doesn't cry as much as he used to and I'm pretty convinced that he's so winey because he wants to get more of my attention."
"I wish I could help you somehow." Blaine's mother said softly.
"All you need to do is focus on getting better." He said with a smile.
"I'm doing my best, sweetie." A smile once again made its way onto her pale face. "And how is school going? Isn't it too much for you to handle?"
"No, it's alright." Blaine said instantly. "I have to devote a lot of my time to studying but it's going well. I'm not falling behind or anything like that."
"I'm so sorry you had to stay here." She lowered her gaze looking away from Blaine.
"It's not that big of a deal, mom. You are the most important right now." Blaine squeezed her hands trying to show that he really meant it even though he hoped that Pamela already knew that.
"It shouldn't be this way." She said bitterly looking up at her son with sadness and regret in her eyes.
Despite his best efforts Blaine felt like he was going to cry. He quickly composed himself though knowing that he couldn't show weakness in front of his mother, especially now when she clearly had trouble finding strength to fight for her life. Blaine let his eyes travel down his mom's body, aware of the fact that it really shouldn't be this way. Blaine shouldn't be forced to look at her in this state. And she shouldn't be allowed to suffer so much.
Blaine stayed with his mother for over an hour watching as she fell into sleep. Then he sat with her holding her bony hand for a while longer before slowly raising from the uncomfortable chair. Blaine stretched out his muscles and gathered his things. Then he gave his mother a longing look and softly pressed his lips to her forehead.
As he walked though the building Blaine couldn't stop the tears from falling anymore. Despite the fact that people were watching him Blaine let out a sob and covered his face with his hand. Knowing that in this state he would get too much attention from people on the streets and feeling that his legs wouldn't be able to carry his weight for much longer Blaine entered the hospital cafeteria and sat at one of empty tables.
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and put it on the tabletop in front of him. Blaine stared at the black screen for a moment not really knowing what to do. He desperately needed to talk to somebody, somebody that would immediately make him feel better. And yet he didn't want to seem so weak and broken.
Blaine unlocked the screen and opened his list of contacts. His thumb hovered over Kurt's picture for a few minutes as he fought with himself whether or not to call him. What if he was busy now and didn't have time for Blaine? Another wave of tears washed away all the doubts and against better judgment Blaine dialed Kurt's number and held the cell phone close to his ear struggling to breath normally.
He waited for a few seconds and when Blaine thought that Kurt was not going to answer after all he heard one of the most beautiful sounds ever. "Blaine? Hi!" Kurt's voice was cheerful and Blaine felt horrible that he was going to ruin his good mood."
"Hello, K-Kurt." Blaine managed to say even though his voice was shaking.
"Blaine? Are you crying? What's wrong?" Kurt's voice was full of panic and Blaine almost started sobbing out loud knowing he feared the worst.
"I just…" He didn't know what to say. Suddenly the idea of calling Kurt seemed silly. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"Tell me what's bothering you." Blaine shut his eyes closed leaning into Kurt's voice. "I promise to do my best to help you."
"I feel so helpless." Blaine stuttered out. "I want to help my mother somehow but I can see her slowly slipping away." A sob escaped his throat. "And it's killing me. I don't want her to die. What will I do without her?"
"Blaine." Kurt said firmly. His voice was strong and calm. "Your mother will not die. She is a strong woman who can overcome every obstacle. She will not die. Do you hear me?"
Blaine nodded his head but quickly realized that his best friend couldn't see him. "Yes." He said holding on to that shred of hope as tightly as he could. Kurt's words were most likely just wishful thinking but Blaine desperately needed to believe that eventually everything was going to be alright.
"You have to believe in how strong Pamela is." Kurt said softly. "You can't give up because if you give up she will give up too. No matter how much you may try to hide it she is your mother and she knows you better than anyone else. She'll know. Trust me."
"I feel so tired of being constantly afraid that the next time I visit her she's not going to be there." Blaine paused for a moment trying to compose himself. "Or when someone calls me I'm afraid to look at the phone because what if they are calling from the hospital to tell me…that..." He trailed off not wanting to say these words out loud.
"Blaine, you will get through this. I promise." Kurt's voice was gentle and full of love. "Think about Robert. He needs you to be strong for him."
"I know." Blaine quickly said. "But I can see how lost and confused he is. He misses his grandmother."
Kurt was silent for a few seconds. It was clear that he was struggling to find the adequate words to make his best friend feel better. Blaine didn't blame him for that. What do you say to a person whose mother is close to death? Kurt knew how it was like to lose a mother and this whole situation was probably not easy on him either. Blaine could any imagine how many flashbacks he was getting of his own mother dying. Blaine felt bad for making him feel that way.
"Thank you, Kurt." Blaine said not wanting his best friend to struggle further. "For being here for me when I need it."
"That's what friends are for, right?" Kurt really was trying hard to make Blaine believe that he wasn't upset but he just knew that Kurt was at the verge of tears himself from the amount of emotions. "But I have something that might cheer you up."
"I will gladly take anything."
"I'm coming home for Christmas."
And suddenly Blaine felt as if a great weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Maybe all the problems wouldn't magically solve themselves but at the very least for a few days he wouldn't be forced to face all of them alone.
The tears were still rolling down Blaine's cheeks but now the sad tears were mixed with the happy ones and Blaine allowed himself to smile a little bit.
