A/N: Chapter 12! Credit for Valentines ideas in this chapter goes to bluehuepirate. (And she didn't want me to put this up until she'd put up her valentine's fic, so that's why it took so long) Meh, I know stealing ideas is lazy and baad, but what do you think this whole website is dedicated to! R&R! Please!


Voldemort shook out the calendar. "Finally, it's Voldemort's Day! Now I can go kill Harry Potter and no one will complain! Nasty little kid."

"Um, what has he ever done to you?" Snape sighed, from his position at the kitchen bench(they were eating pancakes for breakfast).

"He killed me, remember?" Voldemort replied, sounding offended.

"You staged that, remember? And all because you accidentally drank a potion that turned you into a girl for eleven years!"

"Shh!" Voldemort dived under the table. "We must not speak of it!"

"So when are you going to do this?" Snape asked.

"Right now!" Voldemort declared, whipping out his wand. "There's no time to waste!"

Snape looked sceptical. "But Voldemort's Day doesn't even exis—!"

With that, he Apparated to Harry Potter's house.

"Hellooo?" Voldemort called out, looking up at the window. "This is Harry's house, right?"

The door opened, and out marched a fat man with a toothbrush moustache. "I'll have no hocus-pocus around here…" he shouted angrily, but stopped short at the sight of Voldemort's snake-face. "Who are you?"

"I'm Voldemort," he started, but the man was already running back inside the house. Crashing sounds ensued, and a moment later a scrawny boy with glasses was thrown out the front door.

"Deal with him!" was heard.

Harry scratched his forehead. "Oh, hi," he said, looking nonplussed. "Uh… Long time no see? Um… What are you doing here?"

"I've come to kill you! Muahahahahahahaa!" Voldemort cackled, raising his wand.

Harry's eyes widened. "Hey, wait a second! I haven't even been laid yet! You can't kill someone so innocent!"

"I so can!" Voldemort boasted. "You're my mortal enemy, so it's my job to kill you!"

"What have I ever done to you!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh, hello Harry," someone said breathlessly from behind him. Harry whirled around and Voldemort noticed a short red-haired girl leaning on the brick wall fence, breathing hard. "I just ran here as soon as I remembered! Today is Valentine's Day, isn't it!"

Harry looked horrified. "Ginny!" he edged closer to Voldemort, and whispered, "You can kill me now."

Voldemort perked up suddenly. "No, you've got it wrong. Today's Voldemort's Day. Everyone has to worship me, so chop-chop! Kneel before your lord!"

Harry looked sideways at him. "No, it's Valentine's Day. You must've… um… got the two days mixed up?"

"So, Harry! Want me to solve your innocence problem? But not so he can kill you," Ginny shook her head so hard it looked like it would fly off her shoulders and hit someone in the eye. "Ohhh, no! I would fight to the death to protect you, Harry! I would kill for you, Harry! I would commit a lover's suicide with you, Harry! I would…"

Harry looked over at Voldemort. "So, if you're not going to kill me, can you kill her instead?" he asked over Ginny's declaration of love.

"…I would shave my head for you, Harry! I would follow you to the ends of the earth for you, Harry! I would bake people into pies for you, Harry! I would…"

"Wait a second!" Voldemort froze. "Valentine's Day? No! That means I can't kill you yet! Although, you should probably take that girl's offer up on getting her to shave her head."

"…So will you be my Valentine, Harry?" Ginny finished, looking up at Harry with a maniacal gleam in her eyes.

"No, sorry, I don't date stalkers!" Harry exclaimed. He looked around wildly, then grabbed Voldemort and pulled him close. "I already have a Valentine's! Look! See!"

"You're going out with him?" Ginny gaped, noticing Voldemort for the first time. "Eeew, but you're both guys!"

"Homophobe!" Voldemort sneered. "It's called freedom of choice! Wait, why am I helping him!"

"Yes, we've been going out since forever!" Harry said forcefully, stamping on Voldemort's foot. "You've never had a chance, Ginny. My heart belongs to him!"

"What!" Ginny and Voldemort chorused in horror.

"Come on, let's go!" Harry said, putting his arm around Voldemort's waist and dragging him down the street.

"Heeeellp meeee!" Voldemort wailed. "I'm being kidnapped by a fifteeennn yeear oollld booyyyy!"

"But Haaarrrrryyy! NooO, you caan't beee!" Ginny moaned, her voice getting further and further away.

A few streets away, Harry finally let go of Voldemort and collapsed on someone's lawn. "Phew! That was way too scary."

"What's all this about?" Voldemort gasped.

"She's stalking me!" Harry curled up into a foetal position and started rocking backwards and forwards. "Every day, every night! Pies in the window, heart shaped letters on the pillow, flashes of red in the darkness! …can't escape, can't live, can't die, can't have a life… She's watching, always watching…"

"Uh… Are you okay…?" Voldemort patted his shoulder. "Everything's going to be okay. She's gone now. It's all over."

Harry grasped his arm. "No! It's only just begun! Even now as we speak her spies are all around us!"

"Okay, you can let go now…"

"We must continue the charade!" Harry stood up so suddenly Voldemort was knocked backwards. "We have to keep on going until she goes away! Or she'll be back, she'll be back!"

"What? Continue the charade!" Voldemort started shuffling backwards, crushing some flowers. "I think I'll go home now…"

"No! I mean, yes! We must convene at five o'clock tonight! Bring your Valentine's present!" Harry commanded desperately, pulling Voldemort to his feet. "Say you'll come! SAY YOU'LL COME!"

"Okay, okay! I'll come!" Voldemort capitulated, looking down at the grass ashamedly.

"Good. GOOD! She'll go away then, she'll leave me alone…" Harry disappeared with a pop.

Voldemort went back to his evil lair, back to safety, where crazy fifteen year old boys couldn't track him down and force him into dates to sort their own stalker issues. He was trying to get through the door when he realised that there was a mass of quivering black on the welcome mat (Welcome to the Lair. Enter And You Shall Die).

"Who's there?" Voldemort stopped in his tracks.

"It's meeee, Bellatriiiix!" The mass of gothy black sat up to reveal it was a woman with a gaunt, grinning face and a twitching eye. "I baked you a pieeee!"

"Does it have people in it?" he asked warily.

"Of course! I learnt how to do this on the set of Sweeney Todd!" she said proudly, holding up the pie.

Voldemort dissApparated.

A few hours later, he sat awkwardly across the table to Harry in a pink-themed coffee shop in Hogsmeade.

"Soo… Can I go now?" he asked hopefully.

"NO! She might be here! And her minions are everywhere, so keep up the charade!" Harry hissed, then smiled sweetly. He handed Voldemort a large cage with a blanket hanging over it. Voldemort lifted the blanket with trepidation, and gaped at the little green budgie inside.

"Aww, a budgie!" he said, bringing the cage up to his face.

"I hope you like it," Harry replied nervously, glancing around at the shop and beaming at all the visitors.

"Aww, you're a pretty green colour—just like this curse! Avada Kedavra!" the bird fell to the bottom of the cage with a thud.

Harry gaped. "You just killed my present!" he said, outraged.

"It deserved it," Voldemort shrugged. "It tweeted."

"That's what it's meant to do, you numbskull!" Harry moaned.

"So does this mean you don't want your present?" Voldemort asked meekly.

Harry looked up. "What did you get me?"

Voldemort held out a small wicker basket. "It's only small," he started, as Harry lifted the lid. "But it'll grow to an awesome killing size later on in life. You can laugh maniacally as it squishes your victims to death! No evil genius is complete without one."

"But I'm not an evil genius," Harry said, lifting the python out of the basket. "And I have to point out—neither are you."

Voldemort pouted. "We can feed it the budgie! How genius is that!"

"No! Harry, he's not right for you!"

"Merlin's beard, she is a stalker!" Voldemort exclaimed, as a shifty looking patron in the corner of the room ran over and pulled off a black wig to reveal bright red hair.

"Not so fast, my Widdle Dark Wordy!"

"Now who's the one to talk?" Harry teased as Bellatrix came running up from behind a pot plant.

"We, as your fangirls, have unanimously decided that neither of you are right for each other!" Bellatrix and Ginny feverishly chanted in unison, pulling out pink, poorly-made heart-shaped badges with the words FANGRLZ UNYTD scrawled in black lipstick on top. "You reserve the right to come quietly and cooperatively, and no fluffy handcuffs shall be used!"

"There should be a theme song to tha—No! I'm not a toy!" Harry yelled as he was pulled kicking and screaming from the table and dragged away by Ginny. "Nyyyaaaaaaargggghhh…" They disappeared with a loud pop.

Ssssorry, misssster, the snake said to Voldemort as he was shackled to Bellatrix's wrist. But Ginny offffffehred me mohre than jussst green budgiessss. Ssssshe gave me ssssomething to live fffoohr. It clumsily, and proudly, held up another FANGRLZ UNYTD badge.

"You betrayed me!" Voldemort gasped. "And I thought you were a boy!"

Then he, too, was dragged kicking and screaming from the room.

A/N: Wow, long chapter. At least my writer's block is finally and completely gone. Hehehe, Fangrlz Unytd. I actually misspelt that at one point as Fangrlz Untyd… lol.

Lol, seriously, my favourite part is the "Aww, you're a pretty green colour… Just like this curse!" Muahahahaha.


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