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I am so sorry for the massive delay in getting this up. Had finals, move-out, and my inspiration ran away. When I saw the season finale and that massive cliff-hanger my ideas sort of went out the window. I am really, really sorry.


Chapter Twelve: Ever and Never

Rick's PoV

Carl and Michonne were off looking for food and I was ordered to stay here. In a way I was glad, I was still hurting in places I had forgotten I had. There was still a huge bruise to my pride that he had almost killed me. The one time we had met face-to-face I had come up short.

The bed was soft, softer than the beds back at the prison. But it made a lot of noises when I shifted around. It reminded me of Shane's old bed. I narrowed my eyes at that thought. Where had that come from? I hadn't thought of him in a long time. Just like I hadn't thought about Lori. I could barley remember what either of them looked like now. Kelly probably could though. She could still tell me in detail what mom had looked like, all I remember are feelings. But Kelly could tell you everything, from eye color to what she is wearing in her grave. Strange considering how little she was when mom died.

I sighed and closed my eyes. For some reason I just wanted to remember today. I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. Everything was finally calming back down for now. We were going to stay in this house a few more days. The house was quiet. It was a perfect time to just think back on better days. A breeze drifts from the open window and I breathe in the cool air. It was fall again. If this was back in the normal world Lori, Kelly, and poor Carl would be school supply shopping. Then Kelly would be dragging us all to her school to set her room up for the year, and Shane and I would be spending our whole day moving desks and bookshelves.

"Come on, please? Please, please, please!"

"I'm sick of moving this thing Kelly. Pick a spot!"

"This is the last time Shane, I promise!"

Her room was a mess. Supplies, textbooks, chairs, and desks were scattered all over the room as Kelly tried to decide how to set it up. Shane and I had moved a filing cabinet to four different places so far. And we were not going to do it again.

"I liked it in that corner." Lori said from the doorway.

"But it's too open. I'm thinking back behind the desk."

"Just pick a damn spot." Shane mutters under his breath. And it takes Carl half a second to rat him out, causing Kelly to throw her pen at him and Lori telling him to watch his language around Carl.

Back when life was easy. Oh I didn't think life was easy, but what I wouldn't give to have it back. Where I was up at 7, ate breakfast, we all left the house at 7:45. I would work; Shane and I would have lunch around noon, always fast food. Then I'd be home around five for dinner, in bed by eleven. Everyday that was the basic schedule. It would occasionally be interrupted by Kelly or dinner out, but it was dependable. Now, I couldn't even tell you what time I actually was.

I wish I knew where my baby sister was. I hoped she was with Daryl, but in reality she could be gone. Her and Shayla. I had been an uncle for three days. And while it was nothing like being a father, it was still an amazing feeling. If she was gone too, at least she and Judith would be together. Together with Lori.


Kelly's PoV

The nights were getting colder; I sat on the roof of the cabin and tried to wrap my mind around what had just happened. Merle was beyond pissed at me, and I was far from being alright. The wind blew my hair away from my face and chilled my skin as it dried another tear. I was beyond even faking that I was okay. My heart hurt as much as my wrist did. I pull my legs tighter against me as I try to calm down. Daryl had always told me he was mild compared to Merle, and tonight I was finally a believer in that. Daryl was good at making me see things; Merle shoved them right in my face and held it there till I figured it out.

I wished Daryl was here. If I could have anything right now it would be him.

But he wasn't here, and he wasn't going to be. And I was just going to have to deal with that. Just like I was going to have to deal with the fact that everything Merle had said was true. I was a bad mother. And the excuses I had didn't matter. I had a responsibility that I was stuck with. No matter how much I wished I didn't. "Can I join you?" I turn towards the window and see Abraham's head sticking out the window.

"You're not gonna yell at me for punching Ponytail are you?"

"No." he says climbing through the window to sit beside me. "But I bet if you used her name it would ease tensions a bit. Not like Tara is a hard name."

"It can be when pride is involved."

As he sits down I see two bottles in his hand, he hands one of them to me. "Found them in the pantry behind the water heater. They suck when hot, but better than nothing." I look at the brown bottle of beer and spin it around in my hand as Abraham hooks the lid on the side of the house before he slaps the bottle. The lid comes free and sticks in the wood. "Pride is a hard thing to overcome. Something your brother-in-law needs to remember next time he gives you a lecture like that."

"Merle has never been on to beat around the bush."

"He also seems like he can beat a dead horse too." I nodded and took a deep breath and the cool air burned my lungs. "Not a drinker?" he asks looking at my still unopened bottle."

"Not anymore."

"Alcoholic?"

"The worst kind. Spent over a year with one of these in my hand. Haven't had any since."

"Well, I only found these two, so there isn't a danger of a relapse, but if you don't want it I'm sure Merle would."

"No, I'll drink it. I'm just thinking." I saw as I open my bottle roughly the same way Abraham did. I take a sip and cringe at the taste. Beer was never my favorite. Abraham takes a large drink of his before he starts to talk again.

"I don't know you that well, but will you permit me to tell you a story?"

"I don't think story time is going to help."

"I think it will."

"Okay."

"I had a wife once. A very long time ago. We met when I was in the Army. She followed me to every army post I was sent to. We had three kids. When I was away on deployment she met this other guy, and I got divorce papers in the mail. She decided, for whatever reason that she didn't want our kids. So I got full custody and she ran off."

"How could she possibly leave all her kids behind?"

"The same reason you can't look at your daughter. Guilt, hurt, anger, fear."


"Do you even look at your daughter Kelly!" Merle's voice was loud and it wasn't helping my shaking.

"Of course I do. I look at her every single day!"

"Do you? Does she have a birth mark?" he asks, his face serious and angry. But I was taken aback. I didn't know. Did she? I quickly thought back to her, and I couldn't recall one. But his tone of voice was making me think that she did.

"What does it matter if she does or not, how is that important?" I say back, but if it was even possible, Merle looked even more angry.

"That's my point!" he yells. Then he takes a deep breath before he continues in a calmer tone. "That baby is all we have left of Daryl. That's it. He's gone; chances are we aren't going to see him again. He wanted that baby, and you are damn well going to honor him and be the best mother you can. And I know you can do a hell of a lot better than what you're doing."

"No I can't!"

"Yes you can. I saw it every damn day when you'd drag Rick's kids outside, you took care of her a hell of a lot better than you are taking care of your own kid."

"Just go away!" I scream at him. The longer he had talked the more angry I had gotten. "I get it, I suck. Thanks for the news flash. So why don't you just take her and go if you're such a damn expert!"

The silence between us feels louder than our yelling had. Merle just looks at me shakes his head.

"She has a brown patch of skin on her hip. You see it every time you change her diaper. You don't know your own daughter and she's only a week old." He turns and goes down the steps, leaving me alone upstairs.


"Fear of what?" I ask Abraham as I drink more of the warm beer.

"Our kids were older when she ran off; they all knew what she did. She was afraid of their reactions. Afraid they wouldn't love her. Guilt about what she had done, the ripping apart our family. It took her a long time to get the courage to face them again. Our oldest was in college."

"What happened to them? If you don't mind me asking."

"We were going to Georgia State; we were there when they quarantined the city. I lost two of my kids there, then my last one in the woods last year."

"I'm sorry." I say looking at him, he looked like he always did, face blank and hard, but his eyes looked a little softer.

"The worst part of it all is I'm almost glad they're gone. They don't have to live in this world anymore. But then I look at you, and I see the love you have for Merle, and for that little girl and I miss my children so much it almost hurts."

He sighs and takes a huge swallow from his bottle. I just look away and swirl the liquid around in mine. Then he starts again. "Why are you afraid to look at her?" he looks at me and I just shrug. "I haven't known you long, but that fight I just saw, and how you reacted when we first met tells me you're tough. So what is it about that helpless baby that is scaring the piss out of you?"

"I don't know. I was always afraid. When I found out I was pregnant, the months after-," I laugh and shake my head. "The day she was born I was too busy worrying about other people in our group than I was about her. It took my brother, Daryl, and Hershel to keep me in my place. All I wanted was to help." I take another drink. I still hate the taste, but I don't cringe at it.

"The day your camp was attacked, what were you doing?"

"I wasn't any help if that's what you're asking."

"No, what were you doing?"

"Does it matter? Not like we can build a time machine and go back."

"Will you just answer the question." He says looking at me. He had pretty eyes, I didn't want to talk about it, but unlike Merle he wasn't yelling at me. And he genuinely seemed to care. So I told him. Told him about how Hershel, Michonne, and I got caught, what happened in the woods, then the attack on the prison. I had cried and cursed and screamed. The beer was gone by the end of the story and all Abraham did was hold me. I cried into his shoulder and screamed about the unfairness of it all. Screamed about how much I wanted Daryl back.


Daryl's PoV

The fire burned hot. Setting this stupid house on fire may have been a bad idea in the long run, but right now I was feeling happier than I had since Beth and I had fled the prison. It was like burning this thing down was a cleansing. We needed to move away from it, the light would draw the walkers, but it was hard to look away. The last house fire I had seen had been the one that had killed my mother. I had stared at that fire like I was staring at this one. Fire was fascinating, and watching this house burn down was even more so. Beth flipped it off, and then I did the same.

I was letting go of the prison. And putting most of my ghosts to rest.

Our new mission was to find our people.

Beth was going to find Maggie, and I was going to find Kelly, Shayla, and Merle.

Then that would probably send us after Rick. Kelly was probably looking for him.

"We need to move." I say as I finally lower my hand. Beth nods and we walk away from the house, she has a huge smile on her face. We walk in a comfortable silence instead of the awkward one it had been since the prison. My head was still a little fuzzy from the moonshine, but she seemed just fine.

"Do you think Kelly is alive?" Beth asks after we've walked about a mile from the house.

"Don't know, hope so."

"Her and the baby?"

"I told her to get to the bus, that's where Evelyn was supposed to be."

"She wasn't." she says after a few minutes of silence. I stop and turn back.

"What?"

"Evelyn wasn't on the bus either. Not when I was."

"Are you sure?"

"Ya, that's partly why I got off, to find the kids,. Lizzie, Mika, all of them weren't on it." I feel my chest tighten, it was one thing to think that my family was dead; it was another to have plausible evidence of it. Beth quickly spoke up. "That explains why we didn't find her on the bus. She got on and saw Evelyn wasn't on there, so she went to find her. She's out here with Shayla and Evelyn."

"Still got the same problem." I say shaking my head. "Woods are huge, finding a needle in a haystack."

"At least we know what we're looking for." Beth says with a smile as she walks past me. "Bottle of peach schnapps we find them soon." She holds out her hand. I roll my eyes and walk past her, bumping her with my shoulder as I go.

"We need to find a place to sleep, that fire's gonna be drawing them from all over."

As much as I didn't want to really believe I could possible to find them, I found myself hoping just a hair that I could. And if I did I would never let them go ever again.


Kelly's PoV

Abraham and I just sit in silence when I finally pull away. His arm is still around me, his thumb rubbing small circles where it rests. My eyes hurt, but my chest doesn't feel as tight anymore. I'm shaking a little from the cold and I just smile in thanks when he gives me his sweater. Like all things it fits like a tent, but it's warm. It's so quiet out; the silence makes me nervous because any sound we make can be more easily detected. I suck in a deep breath and let it out. "I'm gonna go check on Shayla." I say, keeping my voice low. He nods and helps me stand up. "I'll give you the jacket back." I send over my shoulder before I climb back through the window.

Shayla is lying in her box that we were soon going to have to replace; all the collapsing and fixing were taking its toll on the worn cardboard. I peek over the side and I smile when I see bright blue eyes looking up at me. "Hey, what are you still doing up?" I ask as I gently pick her up and hold her. She wiggles a little before she settles down. Her diaper is full. "Guess that answers my question huh?" I sit grab her blanket and sit down on the floor, my back against the wall. I lay the blanket out between my legs and lay her down on top of it. I unsnap her pajamas and pull off the wet diaper. Then my eyes settle on the birthmark Merle had known about but I had missed completely. On her hip there was a little upside-down crescent shape, several shades darker than the rest of her skin. I trace it with my finger and blink my eyes at the stinging. I swallow and quickly put on a clean diaper and snap her clothes back in place. Then I do what Merle told me to do, I look at my daughter.

Everything I had said on the day she was born was true; she was the spitting image of Daryl in almost everyway. Maybe that was why it hurt to look at her? I didn't know. But I did know that everything Merle, and Tara had said was true, I was a bad mother. I had been since the day I even suspected of being pregnant. I hadn't wanted her, and if Merle hadn't of caught me with the pills she probably wouldn't even be here right now.

That thought made me feel sick.

I did love my daughter; I just don't know how to be a mother. I had always been told about this bond that parents were supposed to have with their children. Daryl had gotten it, but I hadn't. Maybe it was because of all that was going on around the time of her birth, or the mess we found ourselves in now? Maybe Abraham was right and I felt guilty that I was alive when Hershel and several others weren't?

In the end I did not know why.

But I did know I was going to work on my problem.

Merle was right; this little wiggling bundle in my arms was all I had left of Daryl. I set her back down on the floor and pulled my bag over to me. I pulled off Abraham's sweater and pulled on Daryl's jacket that I had scavenged from our cell. It smelled just like him. I picked Shayla back up and laid her against my chest before I zipped the coat over her, wrapping us both in its warmth. I gently rest my cheek against the top of Shayla's head and close my eyes. I loved my daughter, and I would never give anyone reason to doubt that again.


Next Chapter: Kelly works on bonding with Shayla, Glenn finds Maggie, and…. The rest is up to you!

If there is anything you would like to see let me know, I'm sort of out of ideas at the moment but I don't want to end this just yet, so please give me some ideas!

I mean anything: Flashbacks, different points of view on anything, ECT. LET ME KNOW!

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Hope you all enjoyed this!