Author's Note: And the whumpage continues. I told you this story would have a lot.

On a completely unrelated note, anyone here know the show "Futurama"? I'm trying to write a crossover between Doctor Who and Futurama, and am having some trouble (don't worry, when it gets posted, eventually, you won't have to know the show to appreciate the crossover, as is always the case). So if anyone knows the show and would be able to help me with it, that would be really useful.


Buffy was stalking through the woods, desperately trying to find the Doctor. She couldn't work out how to get to the Hell Dimension where Carmen took him. She just knew that, if she wandered around the area where he'd disappeared, there'd be a chance he'd reappear.

That's what she'd been doing all day, and now it was approaching night, and she still hadn't found him. Which was probably why she didn't notice, when she ran right smack into a brown pinstripe suit.

The Doctor stumbled backwards. Then blinked, and grinned as he saw who she was. "Oh, brilliant! It's you! I've been looking for you!"

Buffy just stared at him. The Doctor. Pinstripe suit, spiky hair, sideburns, and all. Unharmed, it looked like. Happy. Not afraid of her. Not distrustful of her. But honestly happy to see her.

"You… you… don't think I'm evil?" she asked.

He frowned. Then realized, "Ah, yes, Carmen! Have to say, was a bit worried when I heard her call you 'Slayer', but — well, whole destruction of my species? Seemed a bit far-fetched." He grinned, and winked. "Elizabeth."

Buffy ran forwards, and swept him into a tight hug.

"Ow!" he cried.

She jerked away from him. He held his left hand in his right one, and gave her a pout.

"She hurt my hand!" the Doctor whined. He held it out to Buffy. "See?"

There was a very nasty red mark on the back of his hand, where it looked like a high heel had stepped on it. Buffy touched the skin around the mark, tentatively, and he hissed in pain.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Well, lucky for me she wasn't terribly bright," he said. "Do you have my coat?"

Buffy nodded. "And the crystal," she said. She paused. "Wait, where did you guys go? What happened? How'd you escape?"

"Ah, well, see, Carmen had this little dimensional fold that she was using as a home base," the Doctor explained.

"A Hell Dimension," Buffy said.

"Yes, that's it!" said the Doctor. "Terrible place. Lots of tortured people crying out for help, being mercilessly flayed by demons and such. So, yes. Went there. However, being the terribly clever individual that I am, I pretended to be mind-numbingly stupid, stole some items, used them to create a little smoke-device, and broke out of her palace. Then, I incited a revolution amongst the masses, convinced them to rise up against their oppressors, and helped them write a formal constitution guaranteeing every citizen basic rights and setting up a democratic form of government. At which point, it was only a matter of creating some basic gadget that could seal off that particular dimensional fold from this world." He pulled out a very ragtag little contraption with a great big button on it from his pocket, and tossed it to her. "Which I did, and quite brilliantly! Then I escaped, and now, here I am!" He looked at her, very proudly, waiting for her to compliment him on how terribly clever he'd been.

Buffy burst out laughing. She could barely stop herself from snatching him up and hugging him again. Because this was so something he'd do.

"You brought constitutional democracy to a Hell Dimension!" she said, through her laughter.

"What?" asked the Doctor, a little put out that she was laughing at him. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. In fact, it's the most you thing I could possibly imagine!" said Buffy. She stuffed the device in her pocket so she could give him a far, far more careful hug. "You don't know how much I missed you."

The Doctor hesitated. "I… still don't remember you," he admitted.

"Don't care," said Buffy, into his suit, "just missed you."

The Doctor gave a small sigh, then hugged her back. "Me too," he admitted. He paused. Then, in a far more enthusiastic tone of voice, he added, "Oh, and I've discovered something that is very, very important!"

"Mhm?" asked Buffy.

"I don't like licking people!" the Doctor announced. He made a face. "They taste funny."

"Could have fooled me," Buffy muttered.

"Ah, well, I think I just like licking one person in particular," continued the Doctor. "Who happens to be quite fun to lick."

Okay. Time to faint from pure lust, now.

"And has a boyfriend," the Doctor added. "Which I haven't forgotten about."

"What… what about…" Buffy cleared her throat, and tried to put herself back together. "Nearly-naked big-boobed demon lady?"

"Oh, she's decidedly not fun to lick!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Absolutely not! I believe she was trying to sleep with me so she could wipe my brain completely clean. Which is something I'd very much like to avoid, if at all possible."

"No, I mean, she isn't going to destroy the world, anymore, right?" asked Buffy.

"Don't think so," said the Doctor. "Trapped her in the dimensional fold, see. And I'm pretty sure whatever she needed wound up in here." He tapped the side of his head. "And, well, since she's in the dimensional fold, and I'm not, I'd say she can't destroy the world." He thought a moment. "Although… perhaps I should have locked her out here, and myself in there. Seeing as I'm the thing she needs to destroy the world."

"No!" said Buffy, taking his non-injured hand, and tugging him closer to her. "You're staying right here. Far, far away from skanky demon boob lady."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her. "Is someone jealous?"

"No," Buffy lied.

The Doctor's eyes danced with mirth, as they examined her. He raised his eyebrows.

"Shut up," said Buffy, as she hugged him again.

A howl of wind picked up through the trees. And suddenly, the Doctor was jerked out of Buffy's arms and flung into the air, slamming against the ground with a force that would probably paralyze a human body straight out. Bright purple flames leapt up in a circle around them, and Buffy ran over to the Doctor, leaning down to make sure he was okay.

"Death would be too good for you, Time Lord," came an icy voice from Buffy's left.

Buffy looked up, and there, rising up through the flames was… well, Carmen, of course. But this time, she wasn't coquettish or predatorily sexual. She was just plain pissed. And the person she was pissed off at was, very clearly, the Doctor.

Buffy stood up and shifted into a fighting stance.

Carmen's eyes blazed, her hair gusted, and her entire face was filled with rage and loathing. As she landed on the ground, she waved a hand and tossed Buffy away, so she could focus all her rage on her Time Lord victim. Buffy felt herself flying through the air, and thunking against a tree trunk.

"You destroyed my kingdom," Carmen seethed. "You ruined all of my plans. You stole my pet monster and locked him up inside your mind. And then you tore apart the Kalenford of Corcheck, so you could create your stupid little Hell Dimension sealing device! You took absolutely everything I had and turned it to dust, Time Lord. And I will not let you get away unpunished."

"Unpunished!" cried the Doctor, indignantly. "You stepped on my hand!" He waved the hand in the air. "That hurt."

Oh, great, Doctor. Goad the villains into hurting you more! You were only supposed to do that when you knew they couldn't, but it seemed he was falling back on old habits.

Carmen flew at the Doctor, and Buffy heard a loud crack of bones and a scream (he never screamed, not when he was himself, and oh, that was a sound Buffy never wanted to hear). Buffy got to her feet, and ran towards Carmen, but Carmen held out a hand and Buffy found herself running straight into an energy field.

"You think that's the worst I can do?" Carmen asked. "By the time I'm through with you, you will beg me to kill you. You will grovel at my feet, pleading for mercy, even though you know I'll show you none."

"So… same plan as before, then?" the Doctor asked.

Carmen blasted him with purple energy, and he doubled up, falling to his knees in front of her. She surveyed him, a small smile of satisfaction on her face, then grabbed him by his hair and twisted his face up to look at her.

"You think I'm so small, when I've reduced you to this?" she asked. "You dare to call me insignificant when I've turned the Destroyer of Worlds into a poor, lost little boy?"

She kicked him, viciously, in his ribs, and he fell to the ground.

"You know," said Buffy, "maybe if you want people to take you seriously, you should invest in some clothes." Then she lifted the crossbow she'd taken out of her bag of weapons. "Or, on the other hand, I could just kill you." She fired a shot at Carmen.

Carmen glanced back at Buffy, her hand flying up, and the arrow burst into flames in midair, and disintegrated before it reached her.

"You can't kill me," said Carmen. "With him so frightened and scared, so full of childish optimism and faith in the basic goodness of all creatures? You kill me, you become a murderer in his eyes. He'll hate you forever."

"At least he'll be alive," Buffy said, as she dropped the crossbow and charged forwards, managing to force her way through the magical energy thing, then running towards Carmen.

Carmen flicked a finger at Buffy, and Buffy found herself frozen, unable to move a muscle. Carmen advanced towards her, icy eyes leveled at her.

"Silly, stupid little girl," she said. "Going up against someone like me?" She extended a hand, and her nails morphed into claws. Claws that, Buffy couldn't help but note, looked spaced exactly right to produce the healed gashes she'd seen on the Doctor, last night. Carmen crept closer, placing one sharp claw against Buffy's neck. "I could kill you in a second. So very easily. And no one would be able to stop me." She leaned, so that she could glare right into Buffy's eyes. "Are you ready to die, Slayer?" she growled.

"Yep!" said the Doctor. "Absolutely. Long past, really. Go on. Kill her."