Chapter 12 - 50 Ways
When I got home after Seung Won's birthday party, I sat in the dark for a long time, holding the hairpin that Joon Ki returned to me. I traced the outline of the gems and polished the carved peony flower over and over again until I felt rawness at the tips of my fingers.
I looked my suitcase, packed and ready to go in the corner of my room. I was suppose to go to Hong Kong tomorrow with Han Kyul. It was a trip for us to mend all the things I had torn apart since my confession about kissing Joon Ki. I felt guilty. I wondered if I just undid everything by telling Han Kyul about my mistake. I hated secrets. If there was anything I learned in my past life as Hae Su, it was keeping things from your partner always led to separation. I wanted to be honest. Even if it would ruin the two of us, I had to be honest with Han Kyul. I kept thinking about Han Kyul's pained question: "How could you? Do I mean anything to you?" It was even worse than I could imagine. I had no answers for Han Kyul other than that I was a weak person who gave into a moment that she didn't know she was waiting for. I twisted the hairpin in my hand.
"Will you be happy? You still love me."
His words kept echoing through me. What did it mean in the grander scheme of things? Joon Ki had phrased it in such a peculiar way. He didn't declare himself to be hopeless without me. He said, matter-of-fact, that I was still in love with him, and I didn't correct him. Because I knew he was right. He always saw me so clearly. When he said the words Somalia and one year, I felt my stomach twist like it was gripped in a vice. It almost felt like a dream, the way we reunited, a maelstrom of emotions, bitterness, loss, grief, happiness, impossible longing, and that kiss that I was still paying for.
I didn't sleep very well. I woke up around 5 A.M. and tried to read a novel, but I could barely focus on the words. I felt so unsettled.
When my phone vibrated, it was Han Kyul.
"Ha Jin." I heard Han Kyul's voice, reassuring and deep. "Are you ready to go?"
I set down the hairpin and tucked into my desk. Where I was going, I didn't need it.
At the check-in counter, I was surprised when the flight attendant handed us two first-class tickets to Shanghai.
Han Kyul winked at me, "Last minute change in plans."
"Shanghai?"
"Don't worry. This time of year, Shanghai is much prettier than Hong Kong."
"I just wished that you had told me. I prepared and now I'm-."
"Ha Jin," Han Kyul took my hand, "You won't need to do anything. My assistant planned out our entire itinerary and we're completely taken care of."
"It's not that." I hesitated. I wasn't sure why I was so unnerved by this new change in plans. After all, it wasn't like Han Kyul cancelled our trip, it was just a different destination.
On the plane ride, he immediately fell asleep after the safety announcements while I stayed wide awake. When I slid up the window on my side, I looked down at the billowing white clouds, as fluffy as cotton batting, thousands of meters in the sky.
I wondered how far Somalia was down on the blue marble earth spinning below the plane.
When we landed, Han Kyul turned out to be right. Almost every detail was arranged. I was whisked from plane to taxi by a uniformed gentleman, Mr. Lee, who made the experience of international travel like smooth montage of white-glove service. We didn't even see a customs officer. It didn't feel like we were traveling as much as we were being gently carried from one place to another. I didn't feel annoyed, once. I looked at Han Kyul and he didn't seem to notice Mr. Lee's extra efforts. He took it all in stride.
Mr. Lee pulled the town car into the Four Seasons in Pudong and I gazed up the glass tower before I stepped out. I only caught a glimpse of the gleaming lobby, with a huge silver mobile dangling like a thousand daggers over people's heads, before we were led into a private entrance. The hotel elevator was so quiet on the way up that before I knew it, we were on the penthouse level. I had never taken a trip like this with Han Kyul before. He was forever hopping from Beijing to Shanghai to Seoul to Tokyo and I had been too busy with graduate school and then work to take time off. I wondered if all rich people travelled like this, never mixing with other people and only occupying their dustless, monied spaces.
The penthouse gleamed with teak and stone, like a quietly plush temple. I tiptoed in and craned my neck to look the high the ceilings; they were two stories tall, with a bedroom loft at the top that overlooked everything like an eagle's nest. The feeling of understated luxury was everywhere, like I couldn't touch anything without a butler immediately wiping off my fingerprints.
"I wanted this to be special." He nodded to Mr. Lee who left a lacquered black box on the dining room in the penthouse. I spun around a little, the penthouse was larger than my family's entire home in Korea.
"Does anyone need this much space?" I looked around for the slippers and realized a pair of Prada velvet moccasins, in wine red, and my size were already waiting by the sofa.
"Sometimes, people like to entertain in hotels." Han Kyul shrugged nonchalantly. There were only a few moments in our relationship when I realized that Han Kyul was not like me. There was the time for my birthday when he rented out an entire five star restaurant and had a staff of twenty waiting on us. I felt unnerved by the experience so he never did it again. And a few months ago when Han Kyul got into a minor fender bender in Cheongdamdong and immediately switched out his one year old car for a new Mercedez.
"What's in the box?"
He took took the gleaming black rectangle and placed it on my lap. I wasn't sure how to returned his mysterious smile.
"Open it."
I opened the box and lifted out a black dress.
"Do you want me to wear this?"
He nodded.
I went into the bathroom and glanced my reflection nervously. I didn't know what was going on. I felt utterly out of my element. I liked to be at work and I liked to be with my family. I enjoyed our relationship with both our feets were planted firmly on the ground. This gossamer spun fantasy in Shanghai seemed too airy, like expensive cotton candy that would only ruin your appetite for a real meal.
"I can't wear this!" I shouted from the bathroom.
"Ha Jin, come out a show me."
"I am ninety-nine percent sure this is on backwards."
When I stepped out again, Han Kyul's eyes raked over me. He had changed into a suit and he looked better than a Korean James bond, with looks to kill. But it was the way he was looking at me that made me blush.
"Wow."
I looked down, the silk plunged right to my rib cage. The dress was intricate, black translucent silk laid over skin tight leather that warmed to my skin. It created the illusion that I was nude underneath the bodice. Thank god I had small breasts, or they would be spilling out of the black silk gown, straps as thin as hair crossing over the shoulders and flaring out into floor length train that made me look as tall as I've ever dreamed of.
"If you want me to move in this dress, then I've got other news for you." I stumbled over the train.
He walked quickly over to me and helped me to my feet. He quirked a half smile at me.
"I've always wanted to spoil you."
"I'm pretty spoiled already, if you can't tell." I walked carefully over to the window and looked out the expanse of the glittering city. I felt Han Kyul's fingers lightly trail up my bare back where he caressed my neck and gave me a soft kiss at the nape. I shivered. Normally, I'd be doing all kinds of protest at the fancy dress, the hotel, and the butler. I'd be insisting on going to some hole-in-the-wall restaurant so I could try all the local specialties. But I was trying to go with the flow on this. This was Han Kyul's idea and I wanted him to feel like I appreciated everything.
"Where are we going?" I glanced up at him.
"They'll be coming here."
"Who?"
"I'm hosting a dinner tonight, here." He went to the door of the penthouse and opened the door where a fleet of hotel staffers waited. "Come in. Please help us setup."
"What is all of this?" I clutched my dress nervously as I watched the support staff wheel different kinds of trays into the kitchen. Everyone moved in synchronicity, like a ballet of silverware setting, perfectly folded napkins, gleaming cocktails shakers, and plating caviar ladened hors d'oeuvres. Han Kyul spoke to the head waiter and everyone quickly snapped to attention.
"Ha Jin," He walked back over to me and took my hands. "I need you to help me tonight. We have to entertain about six different chairman tonight. They know that you're my fiancee. Now, they want to see a few things tonight. They want to know that I'm a serious family man and they want to meet my future wife."
"Oh." I tried to keep the nervousness out of my voice. Just how much was riding on tonight?
"I realized that I might have made a mistake keeping you away from this part of my life. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I've been hiding this part of my life, or maybe I was trying to protect you from it. But you've always been so honest with me. Even when it hurts." He squeezed my arms. "I need you to see this part of me too. If you are going to marry me, you need to see everything."
I remembered my conversation with Madam Choi when she asked me if I was ready to become part of a world that I wasn't trained for; I replied with something patently ridiculous like, I could learn anything. But now in the face of all of this ceremony and responsibility, I realized how unprepared I was.
"Han Kyul." I squeezed his hand and I frowned. "What if I ruin everything? What if I say the wrong things? I can be really truthful and rude. What if-?"
"Ha Jin," He winked at me. "If anything goes wrong, just say "China is an amazing country."
Ha Kyul gave me quick rundown of the guest list. Just your normal titans of industry guest list where they could make or break your life. I wasn't nervous at all. Of course not. I couldn't help feel like this was a test of me, to see if I could jump through the right hoops to be the right kind of wife.
"Mr. Liu of Wang Su, Mr. Ao of Beijing Technology, Mr. Liu of Pacific Pharma, Mr. Li of Boeing China, Mr. Zhou of Middle Country Steel." I recited after the last run through of the guest list.
"You're so fast." He hugged me. "You're going to do great."
"Han Kyul," I hung on to the hug for a beat. "Is this a test?"
He leaned back and stroked my hair. "Of course not. Think of this as a dry run for the future."
"Excuse me, Miss." One of the female hotel staffers addressed me in Korean.
I turned to look at her. She held her bow. I shook off a memory and bowed back.
"Please let me assist you with your dress and makeup."
I made a face at Han Kyul in surprise but he waved me off and I followed her back to the marbled bathroom. She had me stand straight while she pulled out a few pieces of double-sided tape which she placed strategically all over my body, taping my exposed skin to my dress, revealing just enough. So, that's how they did it, the girls who wore dresses like the one I was wearing. I could be standing in front of a fan and nothing scandalous would happen. Tape was insurance.
"So, can I go rock climbing now?" I grinned at her. But she only gave me a demure smile as a response. She gestured to the seat in front of the bathroom vanity.
I sat in front of the mirror as she carefully cleaned and primed my face. I closed my eyes for a moment, steeling myself for the night ahead. In a way, I had been too naive with Han Kyul, thinking that our relationship was all we needed. It was the same mistake I had made with Wang So, trying to love only the man, but not everything else that he stood for. I took a deep breath. If I was really going to marry him, then I had to accept it all.
When I opened my eyes again, my face looked completely different. I preferred a softer, more natural look, so I suppose this was my war paint for the dinner. She made some final touches with HD powder and I walked back out.
"You look beautiful." Han Kyul wrapped his arm around me and rested his hand at my lower back. "One more thing."
He had a velvet jewelry box ready on the table. I stared at it. It was more diamonds than I'd ever seen in my life. I suppose I had to look the part. The necklace was heavy, much heavier than I imagined when Han Kyul placed it around my neck.
"Are you ready?"
For the next three hours, I smiled, I spoke my limited English and Chinese to the best of my abilities. But most of all I stood by Han Kyul and looked every inch the chaebol wife he needed me to look. I had to deliver the visual harmony that told these greying men that Han Kyul was indeed a solid, stable force for the future.
When the last CEO finally bid us good night, Han Kyul and I both sighed with relief. He grabbed me and spun me around in the air.
"You did so well, Ha Jin." He set me down on the ground and nuzzled into my ear. "I knew you could do it."
"Did I?" I grinned back. "I felt like I was faking it the entire night."
He shrugged. "That's normal. We'll fake something until it feels right."
We collapsed on the couch and he took my feet out of the pinched heels that were torturing me all night.
"Thank you, Ha Jin." He kissed my foot and his hands slowly travelled up my leg.
The next morning, I woke up alone in bed. Han Kyul left a note about how he was going for a run. I showered, looked at the new travel book left by Mr. Lee on the dining table, and ate the breakfast that was still somehow warm.
I was deep in the chapter about the Shanghai theatre district in the 1920s, when the phone rang in the foyer.
"Hello?" I still had a piece of fruit in my hand.
"Hello, Mrs. Choi?"
"Oh, not yet. This is Ms. Go, I'm Mr. Choi's fiancee."
"Ah, we wanted to let Mr. Choi know that the apartment showing this morning has been postponed to 3PM."
"Excuse me?"
"Mr. Choi wanted to see a few penthouses in the French Concession area. I'm sure he would love for you to accompany him."
I was still on the phone when Han Kyul walked back into the penthouse. He was in his jogging clothes and his hair sweaty. I hung up.
"Han Kyul, what's going on? Why are we in Shanghai?"
"We're here to have that dinner last night and to get away from Seoul for a little while."
"And?"
"What's wrong Ha Jin, what are you asking me?"
"Why are you looking at apartments in Shanghai?"
He sighed. "You must have picked up the call from the real estate agent."
"Are you planning on moving to Shanghai?" I gripped the edge of the table. "When were you going to tell me?"
"It's not like that Ha Jin." He walked towards me. "Choi General China has been in the works for a long time. And it was always touch and go. There was always a chance that it wasn't going to happen."
"And now?"
"It might."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that we double the family business, Ha Jin." He sounded excited. "I can finally prove to the board once and for all that I am the future chairman."
"How long have you known about this?" My voice was shaking. "How long did you know that you might have to live in China?"
"Ha Jin." His tone completely changed. "This is bigger than us. My father laid the groundwork for this ten years ago. It's his legacy. I can't abandon his work."
"So you've known about this-since before you met me."
"Yes."
"And you've never thought to tell me, in the years that we've been together, that there might be a chance you'd have to live here."
He frowned and a realization came across his face. "Ha Jin, I didn't lie to you. Even now, I wasn't sure it was going to happen until last night. Don't you see, you helped me make my dreams happen?"
I shook my head. "I don't want to live here, Han Kyul."
"Ha Jin." He took a deep breath. "This is the most important thing I've ever done for my family. I can't stop it. I won't."
"I can't leave Seoul, Han Kyul." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't leave my family, my company, my life. I'm sorry."
"What are you saying?"
I opened my eyes and looked at the man I loved for the last two years of my life. I saw as clearly as I had seen anything in my life that we were on completely different paths. I wanted a family, I wanted to raise my children in Korea, I wanted to have my husband be at home. And I'd been fooling myself into thinking that Han Kyul would change after the wedding. He would never be home. He would always be somewhere else in the world, trying to strengthen his family's empire. And I couldn't fault him for his driving objective, I had the same drive, but towards a different end.
"I don't think I can marry you, Han Kyul."
"No, Ha Jin. I love you."
"I love you too." I started sobbing. "But I can't give you the things that you want. And you can't give me the things that I want."
"We can make this work, Ha Jin." Suddenly, Han Kyul had me in his arms, stroking my back. "It's not over, Ha Jin. Please. Let me try to make this work."
"No. Han Kyul." I looked up at him. "I want what's best for you. And for me. I can't spend my life waiting for you to come back home to me."
He suddenly tore himself away. "This is because of that man, isn't it?"
"No." I vehemently shook my head. "No, this is not because of Joon Ki."
"How can I believe you?" He walked away and paced in a long circle. "We went downhill as soon as you told me about him."
"I can't make you see it." I shook in the spot I was standing. "But, I've always been honest with you, Han Kyul. I want you. I want a family. And I want us to be together. But I don't see how that's possible if you're going to be in Shanghai and I'm going to be in Seoul. I don't want a weekend marriage, Han Kyul."
"You're being unreasonable, Ha Jin." He sounded bitter. "We could make this work, but you don't want to."
"I-I don't see how."
I gripped my engagement ring and set it down softly on the marble table top. The metallic clink was barely a pin drop, but we both heard it.
I flew from Shanghai to Seoul by myself.
A few weeks later, I was eating lunch at a rice cake restaurant close to the office, nose deep in quarterly reports, when I heard a familiar voice.
"Noona!"
It was Seung Won.
He spun a chair around, straddled it, and sat facing me.
"How have you been?" I smiled at him.
"Oh, good. Did you know my new job is right across the street from your office? I was hoping that I'd run into you." He snagged a piece of spicy rice cake from my plate and I frowned at him.
"You moved out of your family's apartment, so where are you living now?"
He groaned. "Oh, I live with five other men, Ha Jin. It is horrifying. I feel like everyday I wake up in Oldboy."
I threw back my head and laughed. It was the first time I had laughed since I ended my engagement to Han Kyul.
"So." Seung Won tipped his chair towards me and gestured at my left hand. "I heard."
"Yeh." I glanced at his face; it was so curious that he didn't retain any of his Jung memories at all. But he still befriended me for a reason all those years ago. Maybe we were always supposed to have an easy friendship like this.
"Are you okay, Noona?" His expression was open and caring. That's what I liked about Seung Won, you could always read him like a book.
I nodded. "It was for the best."
"It's really over?"
I blew out an exasperated sigh. "Seung Won, tell me what you're really asking?"
"Do you want to know how Joon Ki is?" He suddenly said. I choked on the water I was drinking.
"What?"
"Joon Ki." He grinned at me. "Do you want to know how he's doing?"
"Seung Won," I glared at him. "What do you know?"
"My brother and I have no secrets, Noona."
I buried my face in my hands and groaned. I peeked at him through my fingers.
"I'm not ready to talk to Joon Ki." I started eating faster, trying to escape this social nightmare.
"Oh, don't choke, Noona. I'm sure Joon Ki wants you alive." He laughed and laughed. "So it is true. You and my brother. Wow. I can't believe Joon Ki works so fast."
"That's not true! I didn't break my engagement for Joon Ki." I spluttered. "I had real, adult issues in my relationship that ended it."
Seung Won suddenly grew serious. "Ha Jin. I hope you're telling me the truth. My brother has been in love with you for a very long time. I can't exactly explain how it happened before you two met. But it is real. And I don't want to see him get hurt."
I took Seung Won's words and I weighed them carefully. "You're right Seung Won. That's why when I talk to your brother, I will be absolutely sure of my heart."
Seung Won shook his head, pleased. "That's what I like about you, Noona. You're so wise."
I hadn't been single in years and it was strange getting to know myself again, not as a part of a unit, but just as person. I remembered that I liked really weepy dramas, so I sat myself down for a weekend of crying and eating over some terrible brain cancer plot line where the heroine took twenty hours to die. I slurped ramen and screamed at the my TV: "She loves you but she's dying, don't you get it, pabo?!"
I felt more myself than ever. I took up running again, jogging in the early morning along the Han River. I joined a group of ahjumma runners and caught up on their intertwined lives; with their kids all in the same playgroups and their husbands in the same racquetball league. I longed for what they had.
"Ha Jin-ah!" They would try to make me set the pace for the group so that they could run a little faster. "Do you need a boyfriend? I can fix you up."
I shook my head each time and said that I was too busy.
Winter turned into spring and spring was just about burst into summer when suddenly Seung Won got fed up with me. I had lunch with him every week where we talked about everything under the sun and I tried not to make it too obvious that I was waiting to hear news about Joon Ki.
"Why don't you just ask him yourself?!"
"I-I will!"
"Here! This is his military number. He has a satellite phone so he gets signal on most days." Seung Won typed the numbers rapidly into my phone.
After I got Joon Ki's number, I stared at my phone for hours. Not knowingly exactly what to do. I just stroked the screen that showed his contact. I shook my head. I was being ridiculous.
I couldn't focus the rest of the day. Joon Ki was only one button push away. Was I ready to talk to him? Did he even want to hear from me? Seung Won assured me as much. And Joon Ki did say that he would wait, but so much could change when a person was away. I suddenly got a bout of cold sweat when I thought about Joon Ki blithely rejecting my phone call. He had every right to. I was so difficult.
I must have written and deleted fifty different text messages during the course of the day. One was:
"Hey Joon Ki, remember me?" Ugh, terrible.
Another one was, "Joon Ki, it has been a really long time. I mean, really really long." I deleted that text in the middle of writing it.
"How are you? This is Ha Jin, the girl who was engaged and now isn't anymore?" I shook my head. Too much information. I had to condense down what I felt into a shorter message. Something that would make him respond right away. I dropped my head onto my desk, resting my forehead against the cool glass. Otoke. What could I do?
I squeezed my eyes closed and pushed two buttons. Suddenly, my phone lit up. It was an international call.
Joon Ki was calling.
TO BE CONTINUED...
**Author Note: Of course, the chapter title comes from Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Love, but I didn't want to make that TOO obvious.
