They should built a special, cordoned-off area in hell for Joe Chill. So he can suffer extra-tough torture for all eternity. Meanwhile, other bad people (such as those who don't hate Joe Chill) can go to regular hell. No, I won't chill.

While Bruce and Kathy were being happy Subrucebanites, Joker and Pam moved to a small slum apartment in the barrows. One that looks strangely like my apartment. First floor, because Pam likes to garden. And Joker's oversized dog, Aetius, needs lots of room. They had no kids. The marotte was their kid. And the dog, I guess. I'm totally like that with my dog. Lucky for him, dogbortions aren't legal.

Joker got a job. At Ace chemicals. Security guard? Pam was some sort of scientist, so you'd think she'd bring in the money. I guess she's the one who wears the pants in that relationship, huh? Though, she never wore pants. Or, you know, much. Just leaves and stuff. Would be fun, having the girl walk around the house, with only a fig-leaf covering her pursued, and her wavy red hair covering her boobs, like Eve. Omphalos.

Though she has to go to work and put on work clothes, like a labcoat and nerd glasses. Joker is a bit of Savage Dragon, or has that vibe since he's a superhero but he wears a security guard uniform. Just imagine, Joker, with his white face and bellhat, stuffed under a blue shirt with black clip-on tie and a tacky badge. Hilarious. Maybe the marotte wears a badge too? That would be gold. The Joker arguing with his boss, saying the marotte is also an employee, that it deserves pay and bananfits. The boss just pulls his glasses off, annoyed, like, "here we go again, this guy."

But he's a good security guard. People are always trying to steal chemicals, I've read about it in a documentary called Detective Comics #27. The case of the chemical syndicate. in fact, for extra geek points, the boss' name is Mister Lambert. Hard to believe, back then, the first Batman story ended in a twist. Check it out.

So, Joker's always punching crooks, or swinging the marotte at them to prevent knuckle damage. I knew a guy who once punched a guy so hard, he broke his fist. So, good job, guy. Not a friend.

It could be a show. Runs for seasons. Joker & Pam, happily married. First season's a bit weird, they keep mentioning their rich friends, the Waynes, who are written out after a retool. Seasons two through six are the golden years. The "Joker demands a salary for Marotte" storyline is from season four. Lady Gaga guests stars as Doctor Quinzel, escaping from Arkham. Season 7 jumps the shark, that's the season where Joker starts working on an iPhone app where people can rate deodorants. It sticks out like a sore thumb, and it gets dated super fast. Then in season 8, Joker's neighbor and app partner Ted moves in with them, and the show becomes basically the Ted show. By season 10, the actor who plays the Joker got some big part in a movie (Sherlock Jr.) and doesn't show up, so it's just Ted and Pam, and by the time they start working on these two getting romantically involved, nobody's watching.

"So, you two are divorced?" Bruce asked, sipping his bat-uccino in the coffee shop across Waynecorp tower. Note to self, across only has one C. I always get it wrong. I'm half-illiterate, I swear to G_d.

"I don't even know anymore, Bruce, my friend." said the Joker, dour as usual. "We just drifted apart. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for her ferns than for her man."

"Well trees do get stronger with age." But ferns aren't trees. I could change that, but that would mean me pressing the backspace button, and that's something I'm not prepared to do yet.

And Jokers don't? Bullshit. I mean, a Joker is kind of like a tree. Green hair is like leaves. The boner is wood. Man, I don't know what I'm saying. I miss my wife.

"You have to work on your relationship." said Bruce.

"Do you and Kathy work on yours?" asked the Joker.

"Every night, forty minutes. When Dick's asleep." said Bruce.

"Wait, if Dick's asleep, how can you do it?" asked the Joker.

You see, the thing is, Bruce's son, Dick, is actually Richard, so Dick is short for Richard. But, nowadays, when people hear "dick", they immediately think of penis. But they can't change the kid's name, he's been around for almost eighty years. The fanboys would lose it (hypocrite alert). So they keep him with the silly name. But that leads to lots of jokes, especially since Dick is fighting the Joker. But it's not funny if everyone's doing it. So, for now on, bear with me, we'll keep saying Dick, little Dick, Dick rising, hands wrapped around Dick, she loves Dick, and pretend it isn't hilarious. Otherwise, we won't get anywhere.

"You never had kids." said Bruce. He said it twice.

"I don't care for Rugrats. Nobody's interested in Joker Junior. I'll tell you the truth, we were never happier than when we were fighting." said the Joker.

"Sounds like something out of Dostoevsky Comics." said Bruce, pretentiously.

"No, Bruce, not each other." said the Joker. "Crimefighting." I suppose fighting is a crime, so that could also be repurposed as am Orwellian word. The Joker and Pam could be together, maybe as criminals, maybe as heroes, as long as they have each other.

Well, what does Pam know? Plants. In fact, you could even call her Plamt. And it's no coincidence that a plant's the reason we're in this mess, right? So, I'm a bit worried. Could Pam pull her hand out of reality and torn the rosebush out of me? She knows every vegetable there is, like a somewhat less feminine Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho. I know what you're thinking - that's stupid, and you're stupid. Don't quit your day job. Well, joke's on you, because my job isn't day.

Still, it's just stupid, and everyone pretends it isn't. I don't care how powerful you are, Pam, or Rhas or Bat-Mite. You're still not real. None of you are real. It's like when Grand Morrison writes a comic book and he says it's a magical sigil, and it'll effect the real world, but it's just a bunch of pages. It's not magic, Ultra comics. It's fun, sure, but I read it and it won't change my life, because Ultra comics isn't real, and neither is Pamela Isley. Yeah she kept her maiden name.

I forgot what I was going to write.

So, Joker and Pam, back together. "We were our happiest when we fought crime." Ah, I remember now. So, here's what you do, Joker. You work at Ace Chemicals. To say nothing of the dog. I never read that book. Sounds pretty good, actually. The name's interesting. Very striking. You get one of those chemicals, and pour it on your wife's garden. Then a turnip or whatever will grow, and she'll eat the turnip, as women often do. And pam! Plant powers. She'll be swinging on vines like Sheena around town, you and her together, partners in crime. Just like in the old days.

"That's a good idea, Bruce." said the Joker.

"My name's not Bruce. I'm Kirk. People always get us confused." said the other guy. Kirk, that's the name. And what could possibly go wrong? I mean, nobody named Kirk could be evil. Right? Not even if they've spent the last ten years skulking in a creepy underground cave, infested by bats, while working on genetic experiments.

So in Joker comes. "Good evening, Bill. Good evening, Ev. Good evening, Frank. Denny, Jim, Neal, asian Jim, Jeff, Jim whose ethnicity I don't know. Joe." Those guys. But he needs to see the boss.

"Oh, great, what's he want now?" asks mister Lambert.

"I have a name, you know." said the Joker. No he doesn't. He's just the Joker.

"Just, go on. Do you want new uniforms, color-coded to fight off Crazy Quilt? You want to hire Ten-Eyed Man as part of the handicap inclusiveness program? Did Roxy Rocket accuse you of sexual harassment?" he asked, annoyed as only fictional bosses can be.

"No, sir, nothing like that." he said, reassuringly. What he wanted was much worse. "I just need to borrow some of our DANGEROUS CHEMICALS so I can ILLEGALLY pour them on my wife's garden, so once she eats the produce she DOESN'T DIE AND INSTEAD DEVELOPS SUPERPOWERS."

"..."

"You're fired."

That's never how it happens in real life, huh? If only there was a way to do things even though the law doesn't allow them. Like, "breaking" the law in some way. Like, committing a crime. Something a criminal would do. A criminal like...Joker.

Easy peasy, Jokerman gets through all his friends, the guards. "I ain't going to fight you, Joker." Good, because you're friends. And because you'd lose. So I get a bottle with green bubbly stuff. Gooey. Looks radioactive. Something in vaults of which people fall. Turn into supervillains. And he pours the thing on her zucchini patch.

"Joker, babe?" she arrives home. Ted died in a car crash or something. "I thought you'd be at work."

"I decided to leave early." he said. Not technically a lie. He could stay there, just, you know, the cops were arriving. But the decision to leave was all his. It always is.

"Right, I wanted to talk to you. But, oh, my zucchinis! They're finally ripe! Fast, too." she said with a proud mother's smile. Fastests Zucchinis alive, that's for sure.

"You want any?" she asks, chopping them down. The 'mom' metaphor isn't perfect.

"No, thanks, I don't like eating organic food, it irks me out thinking that there aren't preservatives so the food will rot inside me." he says.

"Suit yourself. More for me. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP." She masticated. The great masticator.

Now, I dunno if those vegetables were bad, but they did turn her green. Not the hair, though. Green is usually bad, but maybe people were just biased. Green means go. Pammy Isley went.

So, good for the Joker. I mean it, I'm happy for him. He's got a green wife, a partner, to fight crime. But where are all the villains? It's almost like crime is illegal. I mean, Dent is Dead. Or, you know, one of his faces is. Teach is locked up in a padded cell. Joe Chill is a pile of manure. But he always was, difference is, now he's in jail. Attempted billionairecide has its downsides, including the fact that rich people can bend the system against you.

Seems like we're going to have to start importing our supervillains from Mexico.