Chapter 12, Whodunit?
Disclaimer: As you probably read five minutes ago: WE OWN NOTHING!
A/N: The immediate update is here. Directly after this will come Chapter 13, which, like last story, will be a songfic chapter. It's time to find out if the killer is the one who you think it is!
Violet, Chubs, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora and Elmira gaped in astonishment as they saw, standing beside Esme, Inspector Hercule Poirot, alive!
"Well, well, we were just going to come down there to fetch you." said Poirot in a voice that was not his own merry Belgian accent, it was instead a familiar wheezy voice. Poirot began to peel off his clothes revealing that he was really thin as a bone. Beneath his flamboyant suit, he wore a tatty black one that the children remembered from their last day at Prufrock Prep. Poirot then pulled a bucket of water from out of nowhere and poured it on himself, washing the black from his hair and revealing that the single ring of thinning locks that went round the back of his head was scraggly and gray. His eyebrows were also like this, though they slanted slightly at the ends as though they used to connect in a uni-brow. Next, Poirot kicked off his leather shoes revealing disgusting bare feet and an obscene tattoo on his left ankle. This tattoo was exposed for only a second, for he pulled on black leather snow boots next. Finally, he reached up and ripped off his moustache revealing the complete terribleness of Count Olaf! He stood looking proud for a second or two, but then, the rip-burn caught up with him and he screamed bloody murder.
"!" howled Olaf, while Esme spread some Vicks Vapo Rub on his burn.
Five minutes later, Olaf stood and said, "You know, we were distracted for five minutes, you had perfect time to run away or hit me on the head or something!" Confronted with their extreme stupidity, the children and Elmira said in chorus, "DAMMIT!" "Yes. Well the past is past!" said Olaf contentedly, "Now I will begin a very long monologue about how and why I killed everyone. After I discovered that you had come to this Asshat Village of Blackbirds, Esme and I came down here and took up jobs, Esme as 'Stripper Esmeralda' and I as 'Inspector Poirot', the foppish mustache detective! Then, you finally arrived and took residence here at Crapshack Manor. That is where I had to acquire an associate!" "Like the losers who only had one sentence of story time in the first story?" asked Violet, "No, I hired that idiot butler, Walcott, to make things ready for me here, under the pretense that 'Inspector Poirot' was planning to catch a serial killer who enjoyed committing mass murder at dinner parties. Walcott ate the story up like a wheel of delectable brie cheese."
"Impossible!" exclaimed Elmira, "My butler may have been a complete fool, but he never would have believe a story like that! And brie cheese is disgusting!"
"My dear old hag," said Olaf, "it was perfectly simple to manipulate your butler; I offered him chocolate while I spoke to him and he promised him more if he helped me 'catch the killer' on the evening of this Christmas party. He started preparing this house with all sorts of gadgets and surprises that I told him would assist me in my detecting endeavors.I'll get to what he did later. Then came this evening! I will have Esme tell about her part in this affair."
Now Esme stepped forward and began, "I arrived at this party masquerading as the flamboyant slut, Stripper Esmeralda. When that idiot Starloff was playing the piano and I was dancing around like a little flame, I slipped Marta Stewart's foot shavings into Jacques Snicket's glass!" "It was particularly satisfying to be rid of an old rival!" chuckled Olaf.
"Rival?" stammered Chubs, at a loss to understand, "what do you mean, 'rival'?"
"Long story," said Olaf, "we'll explain it in another book. Continue Esme!" "Anyway," Esme continued, "after Snicket was killed, the blackbirds came. It was unexpected and like something out of a Hitchcock film. But it was the perfect distraction. While everyone was stumbling around like blinded gorillas, I entered the Kitchen and pushed the giant woman Mrs. Pierce into the oven and cooked her at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. I returned to the others before the birds had fully settled down. Back to you, Olaf." Esme stepped back and Olaf stepped forward, "Thank you, Esme." He said, "While that was happening, I entered the house through the secret sewer tunnel, complete with the pillow case that held my Poirot disguise, and hid in the cellar. I quickly dressed himself up for the part and waited. Walcott returned to me and said that he had pretended to send the telegram to the police. For, you see, one of my instructions to him was to cut the telegram thingy's wires as the killer might have infiltrated the authorities! I had told him that I would already have entered the house through means of my own. I then informed Walcott that to pretend that I had come from the police station, I would come to the window on skies and he must be ready to let me in. And that is just what happened: I appeared at the Game room window and Walcott did allow me inside. I introduced myself to you all and made it clear the circumstances that you were in. Then, as you dispersed I decided on my next victim, another fop, William Starloff. I cornered him in the Study, stuffed a paper towel into his mouth and stowed him in that bench thingy leaving him to suffocate. I then told my associate, Walcott to gather everyone in the Study, which he did. Starloff's body was found and then the power went out! That was an unexpected pleasure! Like when you run into a pretty girl in Modell's who's picking out sports bras to fit her plump cleavage…"
"Ahem!" harrumphed Esme, "Oh, sorry dear," Olaf stammered, "well, to continue, the power being out led to Walcott and the moron Lettie going down to the cellar to fix everything up. As far as I can figure, Walcott stuck his finger in a power socket and died. It was a purely accidental affair, but now I don't have to buy him chocolate! Anyway, Lettie runs out screaming, she tells us that Walcott's dead and we split up in hysterics. I then fetched some rope from my supply stash and tied one end to a bookshelf in the Library and the other end to the door-frame: a perfect booby trap to kill whomever came inside! Sure enough, that person was Petrovich, a right-wing idiot all the way! I knew the blackbirds would take flight when that loud crash occurred so I wasn't surprised when they swarmed Lettie, who happened to be passing! Next, was the séance." "Indeed," began Chubs inquisitively, "what was the meaning of all of those special effects and whatnot?" "Well," said Olaf, "one of the things I had instructed Walcott to do was to exaggerate on the local legend of Lauren Chip's Ahoy and, according to that, rig the house with the mirror hologram that you saw in your bedroom as well as the seance treats in the Dining Room. He did all that in the days before this evening. When we sat at the dining table for the séance, I used my knee to push the control pad that had been attached to the table's underside. This began the lights and sounds. My eyes turned green because the colored lights reflected off of the special contacts that I had been wearing. The soup tureen had been affixed to a censor that was activated when I waved my hand."
"But what about the voice. That ladies' voice?" asked Violet, to which Olaf replied, "A microphone attached within my collar modified my voice so that it sounded like a woman's. I was able to fly due to little jet engines I inserted into my fop shoes and the table was upended with another censor! And that's how I did it!"
"Wow!"
"Bonkers!"
"Incredible!"
"Bastard!"
"Tiddly-wink!" which meant, "So it's true…so cheated on me with that bloody whore!"
"Now, now, Sunny," crooned Olaf, "I will still love you somewhere in the depths of my deformed and horribly warped heart! BTW, you guys had ample time to run away while I was giving that monologue."
Once again, they all shouted, "DAMNIT!"
Olaf continued, "Ah and I nearly forgot!" suddenly, before anyone could stop him, he drew a revolver from his jacket and shot Elmira clean through the head!
"ELMIRA!" screamed all the Baudes at once, rushing to look at their dead guardian, who was now lying in a pool of blood seeped from her head, "She may have been weird," Violet sobbed, "but she was cool!" "Indeed," wept Chubs, "She was so kind!" Duncan and Isadora tried to comfort them when Violet turned ferociously on Olaf, "WELL!" she screamed, "ARE YOU GONNA KIDNAP US NOW OR WHAT?" but it was revealed that Olaf was putting on a ridiculously large top hat and Esme was pulling on her fur coat, "No." was Olaf's simple answer to Violet's question, "What do you mean, 'no'?" asked Violet, Chubs, Isadora and Duncan; Sunny said, "Upioa!" which means the same thing. "This plan wasn't to kidnap you and get your fortunes, oh no sir! It was to have you hounded by the police as murderers!"
"Murderers!" exclaimed Duncan, "Most assuredly not!"
"My dear children," sighed Olaf, "what do you think will happen when you are discovered here with seven dead bodies? You will be on the run as fugitives giving me an easier chance to get at your fortunes in the next story!"
"Yes," said Esme, "Olaf darling, in fifteen minutes it shall be Christmas Day! Let's go!" "Yes," said Olaf, tipping his top hat at the children, "do let's!" The two villains ran off into the Dining Room, the children right on their heels. They ran past the destruction from the séance and into the Kitchen. Olaf threw open a window revealing a snowmobile with a snow blower duct-taped to the back. Sitting in the snow mobile was…
Plot Twist #5: Who is in the snow mobile? Hint: It's one of Olaf's associates! As usual, I will give a bit of thinking space.
In the snow mobile was Duncan's old girlfriend, Carmelita Spats! She was wearing designer pink winter wear and had her red hair back in a bun. "OK, you two!" she called to Olaf and Esme, "Get on board! Hi, Duncan!" as she said this, she blew him a kiss, on which Violet glared disapprovingly. Olaf then roared in rage and tossed Duncan to the other side of the room. The two climbed on board and drove off. The snow, by the way, had stopped falling, though it was now lying about five feet deep on the ground. The snow blower's purpose was, apparently scatter the snow about to cover the mobile's tracks.
"There's no use following them," sighed Violet, "it's too far off and it's too cold out there."
"Well then what canwe do?" asked Chubs, "We can escape before the police arrive." Said Violet solemnly. The children ran out of the room and up the stairs. The Baudes hurriedly changed into clothes that were suitable for travelling. Just as they were leaving their rooms, suitcases in hand, they heard loud banging on the mansions doors. "Crap!" screamed Isadora, "The cops are breaking down the doors!" And, just as she was saying this, the doors burst open, letting in swarms of AVB policemen who immediately noticed the dead bodies in the Hall and in several rooms that had opened doors, "Blimey!" exclaimed one of them, "Look at all these here bodies!" "And look," said another one, "those kids up there! They must be the murderers!" "No we're not, you hick idiots!" Isadora screamed down to them. "Let's just run!" shouted Violet, and so they ran up the stairs to the roof. When they reached the rooftop, Duncan asked, "So, what do we do now?" "Hell if I know!" said Violet, "I was just making everything up!" "Wait!" exclaimed Chubs "Look, up there in the sky!" Indeed, there was something coming closer and closer to them until it was revealed to be a big red sleigh, pulled by very sick looking reindeer. Sitting astride in the sleigh was…
Final Plot Twist: Who is the person in the sleigh? Hint: it's not Santa! You know the drill!
Sitting in the sleigh was Mr. Poe! "Ho, ho, ho!" Laughed Mr. Poe, "I sensed that there was something wrong and hurried over! What's going on?" Just then, the cops arrived on the roof, "Look there!" shouted one of them, "The kids are kidnapping the fatass!" "Well, whatever floats your boat!" said Mr. Poe, "Get in!" the children did as he said and leaped into the sleigh, leaving the cops behind them.
"Hey guys," said Violet, looking at her watch, "it's been Christmas for five minutes!" "Then we'd best celebrate!" declared Mr. Poe, pulling some hot cocoa with marshmallows out of the glove compartment, and serving it to the kids.
"Merry Christmas, Violet!"
"Merry Christmas, Chubs!"
"Merry Christmas, Duncan!"
Merry Christmas, Isadora!"
"Merry Christmas, Sunny!"
"Merry Christmas, Mr. Poe!"
The Baudes and the Quags had plenty to be worried about: where they would go, where Olaf and his cronies were, what would become of the next story. But at that moment, all they needed to do was to wish each other a Merry Christmas.
A/N: And so concludes Act 2 in our Series of Queer Events! Well, not exactly, we will still have a song-fic chapter and a certain someone will make a reappearance!
Update Coming Right Now!:)
