A/N: Thank you for the reviews last chapter - some of you really made me smile! I hope you guys don't mind long chapters. This one is the longest yet, and I toyed with the idea of stopping it where the #'s are...but then I kept going. Hope you like it!
A half hour later the dishes were washed, dried, and put away; and as Gillian folded the towel and laid it on the counter, she identified a tinge of ache lingering in her chest with the knowledge that she'd be going home soon.
With pruned fingers and a wet shirt from not so carefully washing the dishes, Emily announced she was going upstairs to change. "I'll be back down in a minute," she said before dashing up the stairs. Gillian nodded at the girl silently, then looked around the kitchen with a solemn look on her face and pursed lips.
Cal had been once again sitting in the living room, listening to the two chatter about this and that as they made their way through the pile of pots and pans. He couldn't help but noticed a sad undertone to all of Gillian's words despite her efforts to seem unaffected by the day. Seeing her straighten her posture and head his way, he got up from the couch and stood by a nearby wall.
"There you are," she said with a smile that was genuine, and yet incredibly sad. "I was wondering where you'd run off to again."
"How's that?" Cal asked while stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"You've been slinking off all day when you think no one is looking," she flatly stated with a straight face.
"Well, we saw how it went earlier when we were all in the same room together. Just trying to maintain my manhood, you know," he said with a cheeky grin as he rocked back on his heels.
Gillian pursed her lips and gave him a half-smile as she tilted her head to the side. She then quietly said, "I should get going. It's almost 8:30, and I've been here all day." Despite her attempt to hide it, she could feel the sadness rising in her eyes. She looked down at the floor in an effort to guard herself and find some strength.
Cal tipped his head to the side at her words, considering the look that accompanied them. He noticed how she looked away, how she first widened her eyes slightly and then closed them while hoping to mask what she was feeling, and he noticed how she didn't look at him again as she walked toward the door.
Taking her coat from the rack for the second time that evening, she slipped it on and reached for her purse on the floor. It was only when she turned around to say good-bye that she noticed Cal had followed her and was now standing very close to her. She drew her head back and simply looked at him with hollow eyes.
She always thought she was fairly good at hiding things from him when she really wanted to, but that was almost never possible when he was standing so close to her. Not to mention she was tired, which made it that much harder to keep her walls up and keep them strong. She watched as his eyes made their way slowly over her face, and she started to worry that her walls had failed her completely, leaving her vulnerable and emotionally naked. She was certain he could see everything – her fear of going home to an empty house, her anger toward Zoe for ruining what she thought was going to be a great Thanksgiving, her jealousy toward Zoe for how she interacted with him, her desperate longing for a family during the holidays, the ache she felt when he stood this close.
Taking a half step toward her, he laid his hand on her shoulder and allowed it to trail down her arm to just above her elbow, causing Gillian's stomach to flip-flop. He looked in her eyes then gently and quietly said, "You know you're always welcome here, right?"
Feeling her chest ache so much it hurt, Gillian's mind flashed through the events of the day. Cal could see that she'd gone somewhere else for a moment. The look in her eyes had gone from heartbreaking to nostalgic to longing, and he squeezed her arm as his heart rate quickened. She nodded and gave him an unconvincing smile. Not buying that she believed him, Cal tipped his head down while holding her gaze, giving her a serious look. Before either of them could respond again, Emily was bounding down the stairs with a DVD in hand.
Seeing Gillian standing at the door with her coat on, Emily's eyes went wide. "What are you doing?" she asked with concern and a sense of urgency in her voice as she walked up to them.
Gillian turned to her, wide-eyed at Emily's semi-frantic tone. "I was just getting ready to leave?" she said as more of a question than a statement.
"Well first of all, you're standing under the mistletoe with Dad," she stated point-blank as she pointed up. Cal and Gillian both looked at the ceiling where an innocent mistletoe decoration hung, and Cal finally removed his hand from Gillian's arm. "Second," she continued without waiting for any verbal reaction, "We have to watch A Christmas Story. It's tradition! We put up the tree, we eat, and we watch the movie. You helped put up the tree this year so you have to watch the movie." By this time, Emily figured if she just kept talking long enough, Gillian wouldn't be able to object. "You don't have to work tomorrow anyway," she added while pulling Gillian's coat back off her shoulders.
By this time, Gillian was flat out flabbergasted at what was happening. She'd gone from thinking about going home to an empty house, to her heart stopping at Cal's touch, to worried for Emily because of her frantic tone, to utterly confused as to why she was once again being told she couldn't leave! Never mind the fact that she didn't want to leave anyway…
"Dad." Emily said with upward inflection, while rolling her eyes up toward the ceiling again and waiting.
"Oh. Right," he said as he leaned forward and gave Gillian a chaste kiss on the cheek.
Gillian couldn't help feeling disappointed at the quick peck, but before she knew it Emily had taken her by the hand and led her to the couch, adding one last statement. "Sit!"
"Emily, I don't –" Gillian started while shaking her head, but was cut off.
"Gillian," Emily said seriously. "It's not a discussion – it's tradition. Here's some popcorn, now sit. I'll get the movie ready." Emily handed Gillian a large bowl of popcorn that seemed to have magically appeared and gently pushed her down in the middle seat on the couch. Feeling convinced that Gillian was going to stay put, Emily walked to the television to get the movie set up.
Gillian wrapped her arms around the bowl and she slouched over it while she stammered, "Wha..I…Uhm…" She finally sighed as she looked to Cal for help.
Cal simply shrugged at her and said, "She's impossible." He knew he could have gotten her out of watching the movie, but the whole point of Gillian coming to Thanksgiving dinner was to make things better between them; not to send her home feeling sad and alone. He walked to the closet in the hallway, leaving Gillian alone and baffled while hugging the huge bowl of popcorn.
"It's almost ready!" Emily called seeing that her dad had left the room. She sat next to Gillian on the couch, tucked her legs under herself, and settled into the cushions, giving Gillian a bright smile. Gillian smiled back, thinking that Emily was already a master manipulator.
Cal returned shortly and handed Emily a blanket. He smirked at the accepting and yet still-baffled look Gillian had on her face. "Arms up," he said, and placed a blanket over her lower half while she held the bowl of popcorn up in the air. He took the opportunity to trail his eyes down her body, noticing once again that her neckline was dangerously low. He sat on the other side of her and put the last folded blanket on the arm rest, leaning on it with his elbow and resting his head against his open hand. He smiled at her and raised his eyebrows for a second. She couldn't help but return his smile with one of her own.
Cal's look faded from mischievous to pure affection as he looked at her, and Gillian became suddenly thankful for the low glow of the Christmas lights that filled the room since she could feel the color rising in her cheeks. Noticing the bashful way Gillian tore her gaze away from him, he smiled to himself.
He licked his lips then said, "I've been meaning to tell you –"
"It's on!" Emily interrupted. "No talking!" She reached across Gillian's lap for a handful of popcorn as she kept her eyes glued to the tv.
"Later," he whispered.
Gillian nodded in acknowledgement then looked at Emily and smiled, thinking it was quite rare that people enjoyed traditions like these anymore, especially teenagers. She settled back into the couch and reached in the bowl for some popcorn.
###############
As the movie finished an hour and a half later, Emily yawned and announced, "I'm going to bed. Good night, Dad. See you in the morning, Gillian. Oh, and help yourself to my bathroom. Anything you could need is in there," she added as she walked up the stairs.
Gillian was now sitting straight up with a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. "Uhm, good night. And thank you," she called after her. She looked at Cal with her brow furrowed.
"Guess you're spending the night," he said with an amused look on his face as he once again leaned against the arm rest.
Glancing at the clock and seeing it was only 10 she said, "It's not that late. I can just go home."
"Gillian, it's been snowing for hours. Just stay. Better safe than sorry, and all that. You can take my room if you like," he offered.
Noting that it had indeed been snowing for hours, and seeing that this conversation could take a wrong turn in a hurry she responded, "No, no. That's okay. I'll sleep on the couch."
"Well I wouldn't be in there," Cal responded, amused at her response that contained a clear lack of additional objection at staying the night.
Gillian opened her mouth to attempt a retort, but simply ended up with a funny look on her face.
Cal smirked. "Right. Well unless you like."
"Cal…" Gillian said with warning.
Standing up he said, "I'll get you a pillow."
Gillian remained seated on the couch as he walked away and couldn't believe how tired she felt. What a roller coaster of a day, she thought. I need some chocolate. Which reminds me, I never had dessert! Chocolate pie… And with that she got up and headed straight for the chocolate pie she made earlier.
Coming back down the stairs, Cal walked up behind the couch to see it was empty. He laid out a sheet and straightened the blanket Gillian had been using, placing a pillow at one end and a heavier blanket at the other. He stepped back, thinking it wasn't too bad for a makeshift bed. He'd also brought down a sweatshirt and a pair of his comfy pajama pants so she didn't have to sleep in jeans and a sweater, and he set those on the couch as well.
He walked into the kitchen to see her leaning over the counter with what used to be a piece of pie in front of her. He smiled as she looked up with a guilty look and licked her lips.
"You want some?" she inquired before dragging her lips across the fork, licking it clean.
His smile widened with fascination at how slowly she pulled the fork through her lips as he said, "I think I'm good for now." He paused for a moment, and then thinking it was wise to change the subject he added, "I brought you down some clothes to sleep in." He motioned for the couch and she looked over his shoulder.
"Thank you! I'll go get changed," she said as she walked to the couch to grab the clothes. She walked upstairs to the bathroom and upon entering saw that Emily had set out a new toothbrush for her. She smiled and started the process of getting ready for bed. She brushed her teeth, washed her face, and changed into the pajamas, noting they smelled like Cal as she pulled the sweatshirt over her head. A short while later she went back downstairs with her hair pulled into a low ponytail and her make-up removed.
Cal enjoyed the view from the wall he was leaning against as she walked across the room toward the couch. She looked up at him and asked, "What?" as she saw that he was starring at her. He didn't say anything, but just kept enjoying the view, thinking that she looked cute in his over-sized sweatshirt. Gillian simply shook her head and crawled under the covers with her back leaning against the pillow on the arm rest and her legs extended across the couch. As she sat there, she became acutely interested in the edge of the blanket and began examining it in great detail.
Cal removed himself from the wall and headed for the stairs, thinking she was simply ready to go to sleep; but just before he started up them Gillian asked, "What are you afraid of?"
With one hand on the railing and one foot on the bottom step, he looked at her confused and asked, "What?"
She stretched her neck to glance at him for a second over the back of the couch. She returned her gaze to the blanket and continued, "The other day when we were looking at that video, you said you saw fear. I went to your office after that and asked what fear you were talking about." As she paused and received no response from Cal, she looked over the back of the couch again and this time held his gaze. "You were talking about your own fear. So, what are you afraid of?"
Cal slowly removed himself from the stairs and walked around the couch to sit on the edge of it. Gillian folded her legs in front of her so she was sitting tall and in one section of the couch, alert and ready to hear what he had to say. Despite the fact that the rest of the couch was now available, he sat in the same section with the side of his thigh resting against the front of her legs. He put his hand on the back of the couch not far from where her shoulder was and ran his eyes over her face. He couldn't believe it, but he thought she was even more beautiful with Christmas lights highlighting her features. As he looked down at his shirt that she was wearing his stomach flipped, and he looked back up into her eyes and said, "I'm afraid of losing you."
Gillian locked her eyes on him, noticing the way he clenched his fist in his lap, the way his eyes moved slowly across her, the way his eyes seemed much more sad and vulnerable than they had a moment ago. "I'm afraid I've pushed you so far this time," he said as he shook his head to himself while looking at his lap, pausing before looking in her eyes again and continuing, "that you won't come back. I'm afraid that all these stupid little things that I do won't amount to anything. At least not enough of anything to make up for how I've treated you. I'm afraid," he said pausing again, not certain how to say what he wanted to say. "I'm afraid of what my life would be like without you." His worried, vulnerable eyes settled on hers, and he waited. He just waited for her to say something, anything.
Her eyes took in the raw worry etched on his face, her ears had taken in the sadness in his voice, and her body had the need to touch him. She reached out for the fist that was on his lap and felt it relax the moment she laid her hand on it. She pulled his hand to her lap while she looked at it and held it with both hands. Glancing up at him to see his eyes still focused on hers, she raised her face again to look at him and finally spoke. "I wasn't far from walking away from everything. One more good push from you and I would have walked out the door without looking back." She took a deep breath and slowly let it back out, buying herself a little time before continuing. "You've been…really great, these last few days," she said with a nod. "It's like I've been getting a bunch of little Cal Lightman apologies." She smiled as she looked down at their hands tangled together and ran her thumb over the back of his hand. Looking back up into his eyes she said, "I'm not going anywhere. Not right now." It took everything in Cal not to explode and melt into a puddle of relief on the floor. Instead, he simply took in a short breath and sat a little taller. "If you ever treat me like that again though, it won't take much to make me walk away," she said with warning.
"I won't treat you like that again. I promise. At least not in that quantity," he added jokingly. She glared at him and he cleared his face to allow his apology to show though. Looking his face over, she nodded at him, signaling she understood.
He looked at her lovingly, thankful that she understood him so well. He took his hand from hers and laid it on her arm while slightly leaning toward her. Seeing that she responded by leaning into him, he moved his hand to her waist and snaked it around her lower back while taking the other off the back of the couch and throwing it over her shoulder, pulling her into a fierce hug and burying his face in her neck. Gillian laid her hands flat against his back, holding him tightly against her and relishing in the contact that she'd been deprived of so much lately. She took a deep breath and tightened her grip on him, giving him a squeeze before letting go. Feeling her grip loosening, Cal gave her a tender kiss on the cheek and she laid a hand on the side of his face as they pulled apart and stopped inches from each other. He gave her face a once over and settled back on her eyes with a smile. "G'night," he said with his hands resting on her waist.
"Good night, Cal," she quietly responded while running her thumb over his cheek. She leaned forward and gave him a lingering kiss on the opposite cheek. He could feel her warm breath and he swallowed while closing his eyes, willing himself not to tighten his grip on her and reveal how she was affecting him. As she pulled away she said, "I'll see you in the morning."
He took his hands back and stood up to walk toward the stairs. As he started up them he asked, "You sure you don't want to sleep in my bed?"
"Good night, Cal," she again responded, this time more flatly, as she laid down and settled into the couch for the night.
He smiled at her response, satisfied that his attempts at repairing their relationship were successfully pushing them in the right direction, and headed to bed thinking, Mimosas…
