Chapter Thirteen: Last Kiss;
"Why?"
I can hear the heart break in his voice and my stomach clamps on me. I'm the worst person in the world and I know it. "Because this is my home, Jess. I'm not leaving for five years."
"But … you and me, we'd be together."
I lick my lips. "That sounds wonderful-"
"Then what's the problem?! If I love you and you love me?!" he snaps, a defence mechanism for the pain I'm putting him through.
I put my hands on his cheeks, and will him to understand with my eyes. "Jess, I love you. But sometimes, love isn't enough. I'm not willing to leave my life behind."
His eyes narrow. "You did it for your career."
"And it got too much for me and I had to quit and come back! I'm not made to travel around the big world without my mother. I can't leave her again. I won't do it-"
"You're choosing your mother over me?" his eyes grow wide. "Are you sure it's not him?"
I sigh. "Jess, I ran into Dean when I was walking to my car. Nothing happened, and nothing is going to happen. I love you. But I can't leave."
"You said that already."
My breathing hitches. "Jess,"
"Rory, I love you. I need you in my life, you're the only thing that keeps my heart beating. But I can't give up this job." he says, his eyes searching mine.
I bite my lip. "I don't expect you to."
Suddenly realisation dawns on him and he shakes his head, taking a step out of my reach, out of my arms, backing up against the kitchen bench. "No. No. No. No. No."
"Jess-"
"NO! You promised you wouldn't do this again! You promised you wouldn't leave me again." his voice is barely more than a whisper, but the pain it holds is enough to fill the room.
"Jess! Look at me!"
Finally his eyes turn to look at me and I try to make him understand. "I love you-"
"Than come with me!"
It hits me; it's either go with him, and lose my mother. Or stay here; and lose him.
"I can't."
"You lied, didn't you? You never loved me. It was all just some sick joke."
"How could you say that?! Of course I love you! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!"
He doesn't say another word and I walk over to him, standing right in front of him.
"You need to go, Rory."
My heart stops beating. "What?"
"You need to go … I can't be around you. My hearts breaking and I can't let you see me like this-"
I pause. "No, Jess, I don't mind. I can help you through this-"
"I want you to leave, Rory!" he snaps. "I want you to leave!"
My eyes begin to water. "No you don't."
He scoffs at me. "Yes I do."
I don't move my eyes from his. "No, you don't."
"Than why would I tell you?" he whispers. "Why would I tell you to get out of my house if I didn't want you to go-"
"Because you love me, too." I shoot at him, knowing I'm speaking the truth. "Because it's too painful for you to hear me say I can't go with you."
He glowers at me, and for the first time, I'm scared. Not of what he'll do, but of what he'll say, and what extents he'll go to to make me get out of his sight.
"Rory, if you don't fucking leave, I will drag you out by your hair."
My eyes narrow. "So this is how you want to leave it than?"
His laugh in return is enough to break my heart. "This is how I want to leave it? Oh, no, no, no. You don't get to turn this around on me, love. You're the one who's breaking my heart and leaving me."
"I'm not leaving you!" I yell at him, tears threatening to pour from my eyes. I try to blink them away, but they only fall rapidly down my cheeks. "I'm just not giving myself up to be with you!"
"WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?!"
I want to scream at him and ask him when his mouth got so dirty, but instead I stand there, like a shocked mullet, and let my tears hit the floor beneath me.
His voice is little more than a whisper when he speaks again. "Get out, Rory."
I want to scream back at him. I want him to yell at me, so I can yell back, and I know we'll be able to make it through this. But I can't. I can't do anything but obey him. This is his house, and I have no right to be here. Not any more.
I broke him, I realise as I walk towards the door. I turn around, my hand on the handle, and look at him.
He's still n the same spot, his whole body frighteningly still, like he's made out of wax and this is a museum … a very sad, very hurtful museum that people would leave the moment they got here if they were to walk in.
I wonder what people would think if they saw this scene. Would they hate me? Would they blame my run in with Dean? Is it even Dean's fault?
I scold myself. Dean did nothing wrong. All he did was bring thoughts that were in the back of my mind to the front of it. I can't hate him for that – and neither can any one else.
No, if somebody was looking at this scene, they'd see a girl, tears falling freely down her face, and a boy who's hear she'd just broken. My stomach clenches, and I wonder if it will ever go back to normal. I've broken him. Jess isn't Jess. I promised him I wouldn't leave him, and yet here I was doing it all over again.
I feel guilty. I feel horrible. I feel dirty and I feel disgusted with myself.
I don't bother grabbing my coat from his couch, in fact even though I can see it in my peripheral vision, but I don't even make a move towards it. I deserve to freeze. I deserve the cold to seep into my body and make me want to die. Accept I don't need to cold to make me want to die – I'm already numb. Numb from hurting the man I love so.
I can't believe it. I don't even know why I did it … the choice of living with Jess is always appealing to me, but the thought of losing time with my mother to accomplish that leaves my heart hurting even more than it already is.
I realise, with a start, that I'm still standing in his doorway, my hand on the knob. Slowly, I turn and pull it. Before I pull it shut behind me, I look at him one last time. "I will always love you, Jess. No matter what I say. No matter what I do. I always have, and I always will."
He shudders, but I can't help feeling a little bit of relief – he's moved, that's better than him belonging in a wax museum.
I walk down the small pathway and to my car where it's sitting, waiting patiently and faithfully for me in the driveway.
But when I sit in it I feel wrong. This isn't right. I'm not meant to be pulling away from Jess' house with tears streaming down my face.
And Jess is meant to be in the car with me. It feels tainted somehow. It's like every memory of the last three months, sitting in this car has been with Jess. And now I've hurt him again.
I can't believe I just did that to him. He's right – I promised I wouldn't leave him again, and here I am, breaking the promise.
But I didn't lie. I never lied; I love Jess with all my heart, and I know it's never going to change, no matter if I'm with him or not.
As I drive away from his house, tears falling and making mascara marks down my cheeks and staining my favourite light-blue blouse, a thought crosses my mind and I have to pull to the curb.
My breathing ceases and I sit, staring at the window in panic.
I've pushed him too far. We've had our last kiss.
And a new wave of tears washes over me.
