It wouldn't let me post on Wednesday! This chapter was done on Wednesday!

But I would love to thank the wonderful, lovely Addie W. whom I absolutely love because of her story ('Edward's Uploading Solution'). Her thing is the only reason I've managed to put this up today. I LOVE YOU ADDIE W. !!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or New Moon and am not Stephenie Meyer.

Sunrise

Chapter Thirteen: Blowout


Bella's sleep talking that night was the same as all the other previous occasions. She grumbled on about how annoying that Newton boy was, and how she didn't want to be in the center of attention, until at last she mumbled my name once and her words trailed away.

That was when I knew that she wouldn't be talking any more that night; the inevitable had come. I felt like moaning out loud as I stood and carefully slunk out of the room, heading back toward home.

Alice was waiting for me on the first floor before I even stepped onto the land the owner of the house also had command over. Our acres of land were quite vast in comparison to the entire town of Forks, but it didn't really matter all that much to us.

Vampires didn't get attached to material possessions very easily. There were only so many years something could survive before it became outdated according to humans or started falling apart because it was ancient.

Plus, there was the fact that we would always be there – immortal beings had little use for objects that would disappear in a few years without very good care. Land was one of those things that couldn't be taken care of meticulously like other things – books or jewelry, for instance.

I arrived home within minutes of leaving Bella's house and heard Alice's excited mind jabbering in my head – but none of it made sense. I saw that my family was waiting in the living room for me to arrive back home as well.

What would he say if he knew? Oh, Edward, I can't believe this! This is – this is fantastic! I can't believe it!

Frowning, I tried to figure out what my sister was thinking about. It didn't make sense to me – when I had left, she was contemplating what to say to me about my actions from the hunting trip Emmett and I had gone on. What she was thinking now didn't fit that at all.

Even if Emmett had said something to her about our camping trip, that still wouldn't merit this reaction to that. I wondered if she had had a vision – but I dismissed that. What could she possibly see about me that involved Bella? I couldn't think of anything.

This didn't make any sense to me. What had changed in the last hours since I had been here at home? I couldn't think of anything that might have happened right off the bat. Cautious, I made my way up to the front door quickly.

When I walked in the door, everyone turned toward me. It was slightly disconcerting to be in the middle of the focus of everyone in the room. Usually I tried to back away from being in the center of attention like this, but I found that I wasn't able to make a dash for my room at the moment.

I struggled to keep my face clear and innocent. I still couldn't figure out what they were trying to hide from me – the minds of my family were kept on shallow surfaces, reflecting back to me and keeping the inside thoughts away from me.

It wasn't too often that this happened – except for when they wanted to hide something from me. All they did was continuously think about one thing in a continuous cycle. Of course, there were other dead giveaways.

Such as Emmett's persistence in always thinking in a loop about human food.

Cheeseburgers, hot dogs, French fries, French bread, crepes, sugar, potatoes, cream, coffee, tea, milk, soda, cookies, chips, chocolate, cereal…

"Do you have a food fixation, Emmett?" I asked casually as I placed my keys on the table standing behind the front door carefully. That was my point to them that I knew something was up – we could simply toss the keys there and know they would make it without a glance.

However, I stopped, placed the keys carefully on the corner I always left mine at, and turned around, taking my time. The thoughts I heard immediately turned to what I could possibly have already heard.

There was absolute silence in the house besides the thoughts. I listened to the minds and waited – impatiently. As time dragged on, I finally got fed up. "What are you hiding from me?"

Emmett gave me a smile so wide I was afraid about what it could possibly be. Taking a few steps closer, I listened to both his words and his mind. "Nothing's being hidden from you." Did he guess? Does Edward know?

"Know what?" My eyes zeroed in on him. He didn't say anything, but blinked at me, pretending shock. Who was thinking to him? I bet it was Alice!

"No, Emmett, it was you." Still, no one said a word to me. "What is it?" I growled. I did not like this – they were certainly not telling me something, and I for one wanted to know exactly what they thought I shouldn't know.

Esme stepped forward and pulled me forward by the shoulder calmly. Inside, she was practically bursting with happiness and her thoughts flew thick and fast in my head. All I caught was a gist of something, a feeling of something or another.

Outside, she was perfectly serene and at peace. When I was close enough to the group – five feet away – she deemed it close enough for my reclusive self to talk. Turning back to me, she was glowing as she asked, "How was your hunting trip, Edward?" Did you enjoy spending time with your brother?

My eyes narrowed on her as I tried to figure out what she really wanted. However, nothing was making sense in her mind – she was female, and skilled from years and years of practice at chattering to herself in her head and staying away from the subject at hand. "Fine."

Okay, so we're back to one-word answers, again: how interesting. "Really?" Esme's tone was that of bare, minimum interest. "Well, that's nice…so where were you just now, Edward?" I'd bet anything he was over at that lovely young girl's house.

That was their trap, was it? "You know where I was, Esme," I moaned, crossing my arms over my chest. "Why do you want to know any more?" Surely they all knew where I was – that's what Alice had to have told them.

"Well," Rosalie purred, "I can't remember you ever telling us where you went." How come you think we already know? I searched her mind for a moment – and saw instantly that I had made a mistake.

Not a single one of them did know where I was, that much I could tell in the cloudiness that they were trying to create. I couldn't push through the fog, having only the power and not the knowledge of how it worked.

Expectantly waiting for me to speak, each golden eye was trained on my where I stood in the center of attention once more. What could I say? There wasn't anything I could deny – I didn't know if they had hints and clues or were just testing me.

Had I said something to them at all? I couldn't recall telling them anything, but then again, I might just not remember. There was no way to know if I told them what occupied my evenings yet or not if I couldn't remember.

My silence was taken as reluctance to speak. Jasper stopped my fretted worrying when he quietly spoke up from beside his wife. "Alice told us that you had run off to go see Bella." Rosalie is just trying to make you talk.

Rosalie shot him a scowl and turned back towards me. Abruptly, I realized that for the first time in a long while, she wasn't glaring at me, as she was prone to do ever since I became interested in Bella.

In fact, I could swear that she looked torn between anxious relief and agonized frustration. It was an odd mixture, and her thoughts weren't quite shallow enough to let me see beneath the turbulent surfaces.

She considered me for a long, drawn out moment before crossing her arms angrily and snapping, "Fine, we knew that. Now, tell us what you're plan is Edward and be quick about it. This argument you missed out on is getting old." He couldn't seriously do it – angst-ridden Edward? Doing something like that? Not possible.

The end of my rope was coming to a fast end. "What are you talking about?" My eyes darted around the members of my family as a sudden nervousness curled into a pit in my stomach. "What is that supposed to mean, Rosalie?"

"You can't keep pretending this way, Edward. Just tell us," she sneered, tapping her foot impatiently. I want an explanation, and I want one now.

This was becoming the most confusing discussion with my family I had ever had. "What am I supposed to tell you?" Now I was supposed to know something, was I? Well, quite obviously, I didn't know. And I was planning to find out what they thought I was hiding.

"Stop hiding it! We know about your plan, Edward!" Tell us already when it will be! My plan? I blinked at my golden-haired sister, now seriously wondering for her sanity. I hadn't been planning anything except to watch Bella tomorrow after school let out.

Quite obviously, she didn't know when this 'plan' of mine was to take place, so it couldn't be about the afternoon plan. Since there would be sun, I wouldn't be able to go and see her 'in person'.

That didn't mean that I wasn't going to see her at all. Now that I was finding I had an awful addiction to her that could not be cancelled out, I had to at least see her from afar tomorrow. That was the only plan of mine that I could think of – but how would they know about it?

Of course, Alice could have had a vision. But I didn't understand what could make it such a large deal to my family, not with the way Rosalie's reactions were playing out. "What plan? What is it that you seem to think I'm hiding from you?"

Rosalie's eyes narrowed at me. "You're not fooling anyone! Just say it already and we can deal with it together, like a family!" Even though none of us have been acting like a family lately, Eddie – because someone, namely you, is never here anymore!

Tactfully ignoring her 'Eddie' crack at me, I scowled right back at my sister and snarled, "What am I hiding from you?

"That's what we're asking; what you're hiding!" Honestly, get a grip Edward!

"I'm not hiding anything! I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about!" Something told me Rosalie wouldn't see the truth behind my words; that was the type of person she was. Stubborn and butting heads until the undeniable defeat came, or she plowed over her opponent and won.

"Edward –." Listen here, mind reading brother of mine, you'll admit that you did it and then we can all be on our merry way. Now admit it!

"Rosalie, stop." You don't need to answer her, Edward. Finally, someone else cut in. Rosalie and I had been standing toe to toe, her throwing accusations of something at me while I snarled my innocence in her face. Alice stepped between us, acting referee as Jasper sent out soothing waves of serenity.

Emmett and Carlisle stood off to the side, not seeming to know what to do, while Esme was on the opposite side and watching me very intently, noting each and every muscle twitch and cataloguing it in her mind.

Alice was the one who made Rosalie back down. Then, she turned to me and looked me carefully right in the eye. I glowered back down at her until she whispered, "You really don't know what we're talking about, do you?" You have no idea what it is?

Hallelujah. Someone listens to me. "No, Alice, I don't. Will someone, please, enlighten me?" I was gratified to see Rosalie glance down to the ground in embarrassment; the closest she'd ever come to apologizing for being wrong.

However, my youngest sister immediately captured my attention; twisting one foot on the ground slightly in an expression of shyness, she tugged on her short hair and chewed nervously on her lip. "What is it, Alice?"

Taking a deep, unnecessary breath, she tittered, "We thought…we thought you had made a choice, Edward." You know…a choice… She looked at me meaningfully, wanting me to understand what she was talking about without her having to tell me directly.

As if this wasn't confusing enough. "What – wait." A thought came to me in a flash of inspiration, considering whom it was that was talking to me. Alice's visions depended on choices made by people, and their actions.

"You had a vision, didn't you?"

Her downcast eyes and nervous twitching were all the answer I needed. Now that I knew what it was, I would have expected to find myself relaxing and letting out my held breath. Instead, I grew much more nervous.

There was no doubt in my mind that her latest vision had to do with Bella and me. The only reason I could think of was something I never wanted to consider. Never. But I had to know; controlling my voice and the raging ball of anxiety quelled in my stomach, I shakily asked, "Alice, what did you see?"

She took a step back, closing her eyes and drawing up the image in her mind. I listened carefully; tuning the other voices out as well as I could, while a video played on my closed eyelids. Moving pictures with no sound.

The sun shone brilliantly in the sky overhead, shimmering in waves through the branches of the bright green leaves of trees. Through the forest, a pale, bronze-haired man ran as fast as he could. Looking up ahead with his topaz eyes, he spotted something moving in a cleared out meadow. He took the running leaps and bounds he was making faster to reach the sanctuary, the safe haven spot.

He stepped out into a brightly lit meadow, with no one else around or so it seemed. Turning suddenly, he beamed as from behind him, a young woman with luminous mahogany hair and vibrant red eyes– a newborn's eyes – stepped forward. Looking into each other's eyes, a matching love was easily visible in both of them as their blood-colored eyes met.

That was it. Barely a few seconds' worth of memory, of color and moving picture without sound, and my whole life shattered around me. Everything I had built up was hit hard with the sight of that vision.

The man had been me – and the woman was Bella. Bella, with a newborn vampire's eyes, stepping out from behind a tree towards me; it was all I could see in my head. The image kept replaying: the image of that eternally beautiful young woman walking forward, moving towards me with liquid, unrealistic grace.

Rage swept through me, anger like nothing I had felt before. It wasn't even directed at anything in particular – except maybe myself. If this vision came true, it would only come true because I had allowed it to happen. The reality of it made me feel weak and powerless.

Unknowingly, I took a staggering step back as my eyes opened and focused intently on Alice's small, petite face filled with worry. Without consciously deciding it, my eyes narrowed in hatred at her – at her for showing me this vision, at showing me the hopelessness of trying to keep Bella alive and safe.

Alice knew what was wrong. She looked sad as she started speaking. "Edward, I'm so –." But her mind betrayed her. Will I really have a new sister? Would he really do this for her, for us? Will he actually take the chance at love, like we all want him to?

I was still uncontrollably angry and let out a harsh roaring, "Stop."

She flinched back, nonexistent tears in her eyes and her porcelain mouth tugging down at the corners. Jasper sent out reassuring waves that I refused to succumb to – not while I was still furious. "Edward –," she began. Is it really that hard to admit that you love her as much as she loves you? Don't you deserve to be happy, especially since she wants you?

I cut her off without a second of hesitation. "No." It was impossible that she would ever want someone – or rather, something – like me in any way plausible. It was utterly ridiculous, and I grew angrier at the thought of her placing herself, willingly, in such danger.

"I didn't mean – what? What do you mean, no?" Alice's eyes narrowed at me as she cut her own speech off. No, what? No, you don't deserve happiness or no, you aren't going to 'let' her become a vampire?

There was more than one answer to that question that I wanted to reply with, but I cut it down to one. "I mean no, that's never going to happen. Never."

"You can't change it, Edward. You're saying this now, but I still see her as one of us." Alice stood her ground against me, but I wasn't focusing on what she was telling me, or how shaky her formidable posture was. It's a solid vision, meant to pass whether you want her to or not.

All I could think about was Bella – my Bella. The Bella that should never even have had to deal with the evil self that I was, the young woman who should never be exposed to such utter darkness: that was the young woman I had fallen completely for.

The only answer I could formulate in my mind and make reach my lips was, "I won't let it happen."

Alice actually gave me a pitying look. "There isn't a choice, Edward. You've 'made up your mind'," she quoted her fingers in the air, "but that isn't changing the vision. She's still one of us." I see no way to change this is you've already fallen so much in love with her, already.

But what I wanted wasn't what was right. "That doesn't matter. Your visions can be wrong." Things can always change; Alice's daily visions changed at the whim of a single person, the whole future of the world hanging in the balance at times and secured one second before being lost the next.

She gave me a sad look that cut through to my core without hearing her words internally or verbally. "Edward, I can tell when something I see is certain – like the weather – or destined to change – like human actions at any given time." You know that sometimes I see such concrete visions that I can change nothing. This is one of them.

If that was true…I shook my head. No, I had seen the vision for myself. It wasn't 'if' – it was 'when' that was the question. Still, I had to deny it – scoff at the acceptance of such a loving, caring angel becoming one of the undead. "So what?"

Alice already knew what I was doing in refusing to acknowledge what was happening. Still, she shook her head sadly. Edward, you know this is true. "This one is concrete. It's not going to change no matter what you say otherwise."

"I'll make certain it never happens. No matter what, she stays human." It was impossible for me to think of her any other way, irresponsible to let this happen to an innocent human. My existence was hell on Earth, something I had to push through for as long as I stayed 'alive'.

My words shocked my family, Rosalie in particular. She had an issue with me intending to pursue…something…with Bella, whatever it was that lay between us. But once she had heard of this vision, she was excited at the prospect of what it entailed, as well as mad.

It would be as if she had a new sister, and a new face in the family. Someone to join in, someone new who was part of me, a person that knew me as well as she knew Emmett and Alice knew Jasper.

It was a constant reminder of my self-imposed solitude in my family, my reluctance to join in with any of the things that they took for granted as couples. Rosalie would never admit it out loud, but it hurt her as much as it did the rest of the family that I stayed alone.

She would have gladly welcomed Bella into the family had she been a vampire instead of human; but at the same time, she didn't want to know that she thought this. Rosalie and I had one rather large similarity in common: neither of us would have chosen this life had we that decision at the time.

For her, it was also a horrible existence. Before she found Emmett, she was beginning to fall into my own pattern of thinking – and that was the only reason she was excited that I might have found someone to be with me for eternity, despite Bella's…differences.

That was also why she was so shocked at what I was saying. Jumping into the argument that Alice and I had carried on with each other, she was enraged as she cried out, "How do you think you can keep her human? You can't keep her human and still want her like this." You know what I think; I needn't repeat it!

Oh, I knew what she thought all too well. Continuously, she had thrown insulting words and images my way in reference to my interest in Bella. But I knew that I was right, and she was wrong about her assumptions this time.

Just because I had never had a girlfriend or a 'mate' before, she assumes that I'm like every other male of my species. Rubbing my forehead with one hand, I glared directly at her before crossing my arms stubbornly once more. "Who says I even should 'want' her? She'd be better off if –."

Esme had been standing quietly to our side as the loud accusations and thoughts flew around in my mind. But now, hearing the words that were about to come out of my mouth, her head shot to me and stayed there.

You cannot think that! You can't believe it! Her mind screamed at me as she took a step forward, making me back up in surprise as my hands fell to my sides. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, if you dare end that sentence with the words 'if I wasn't here' so God help me I will make you change your mind the harshest way possible!"

Esme's words that fell into this type of threat were always empty and void of aggression. However, she was a mother and I was certain that this time, she would make an exception to make me see that I was 'wrong'.

That alone seemed to be enough to inflame my temper beyond Jasper's check. He struggled for a moment, I could tell, and it was just enough to let me cool down to refrain my actions to simple words.

With slow, deliberate care in pronunciation, I snarled in her face, "If I wasn't here." I felt horrible once the words had left my mouth. Her face fell abruptly, shoulders sagging just from the malice with which I carried the words. Carlisle gave me a sharp look. That was unnecessary.

I mumbled a sharp, quick apology before collecting myself once more. This time, I kept my temper from raging as I murmured much more quietly, "It's true, Esme." Because it was the truth: if I weren't here to mess with her life and heart, Bella would be a happy, normal teenage girl.

Esme didn't take my words well. Stomping her foot angrily, she grasped my arms with as much force as she could muster. I tried to pull away as she scowled at me, worry and fear in her golden eyes. "It is not true, do you hear me?" You cannot believe that things would be better if you were not here.

"I hear you, I just chose not to listen." I was purposefully contrary in my words as I pulled away from her soft grip with ease. Carlisle sent me another look that I barely received out of the corner of my eye. You're being unnecessarily troublesome about this, Edward. Don't act like this to her, or to any of us.

I merely replied with another scowl, this time in his direction. Esme caught on quickly to what we were doing in terms of communication – and that I was completely disregarding what my father was telling me.

It wasn't a far jump as to what the topic of our silent argument was, and my mother saw immediately that I wasn't changing my mind. "Stop that! Stop it right now, Edward! You deserve the same as any of us, and stop thinking otherwise!" That includes happiness, and love; don't deny yourself so foolishly.

"That's the same song I've heard over and over, Esme. Just because you pound it into my head, that doesn't mean that I'm going to believe it." Shaking my head, I pulled back a little bit more as she moved towards me again.

I knew from her thoughts that she wanted nothing more than to grab me in a hug and reassure me that I wasn't worthless, or a monster. There were two problems with that reasoning. The first was that I was indeed a monster; the second was that I was not the type of person to touch anyone willingly.

Esme knew that, and she knew I could hear her wishes in her thoughts; that made it hurt all the worse when I pulled back by choice. Biting her lip in uncertainty, she then resumed her warrior-mother stance.

The look in her eyes was utterly serious as she stared me down. "Edward, can you seriously look me in the eyes and say that you'd rather let her die and leave yourself unhappy for the rest of eternity, than to change her?" That you'd choose to be alone rather than risk heartache on her?

To others, this would have seemed like a hard decision: live your life to the fullest or hold back and hide. It would seem like an easy choice to take a chance – for a human.

But I had seen many decades pass by, and never had I once been interested in seeing what life would be like if I knew a human like I wanted to know Bella. Certainly, I was interested – far more than interested. But I also knew that I could never bring her into the hell that was my world.

She was a strong young woman – I might be able to get away with knowing her better for a short while, until I had to move on with my family. But there was no way in the world that I would risk staying around her for much longer than that.

Isabella Swan. She deserved so much more than I could ever let her have, or even hope to achieve. If by letting myself have a broken heart she stayed away from all the turmoil and torture of this existence, then so be it. My decision was clear to my family before my mouth even opened; I saw it on their own faces.

"Yes."

The volcanic eruption from Esme was completely expected. "How can you think so little of yourself? You do deserve happiness and love and hope even if you don't think you do, Edward!" This life is not meant to be squandered as you are doing! We were given an extra long amount of time on Earth to find each other, to find our loves, and this is how you are treating your own?

No matter what points she made to me, I wasn't going to back down any time soon. "Esme, I'll keep saying it until I make you understand my side of things. I'm not changing my mind."

Esme was about to jump into me again with more screaming, but Alice calmed her down, grasping her shoulders gently and stepping between my mother and me. It forced me to back up once more. "And I will keep telling you that this vision is solid, it is set in stone, it will not change, Edward. It will not change." You know it.

Again, I wanted to scream in rage, as my words had not been heard. "It has to, Alice." The undertone of my words sounded broken to my own ears. Instantly, her face softened, as she finally, finally understood what I was trying to say.

Unfortunately for my cause, it didn't last that way for Rosalie. She shook off her understanding face and made the first sound in the quiet that had fallen in the room we stood in, discussing this issue. "Just your stubbornness is not enough to make things turn out your way this time." You aren't the only one to make a choice, here: what about your pet human?

My tone was utterly flat as I hissed, "What." It was absurd; she was seriously thinking about Bella knowing her choices? Not only was that in direct violation of the Volturi's rules, but also it was completely against her own nature.

If Rosalie was anything more besides stubborn, it was that her years as a vampire had caused her to become very unwilling to go anywhere near humans. Almost like a prejudice, she disliked having anything to do with them more than necessary for our existence.

Her voice was only shaky in the very core, but otherwise solid as steel itself as she continued, "I meant that. She has the right to choose too, Edward." You can't control everything in both your life and hers. I understand that she has a perfectly good brain: let her put it to use.

Bristling at the offhand slight to Bella's intelligence, I focused instead on what she was telling me to do. "She wouldn't understand what it really meant." Not even if we told her all of it – the Volturi, the thirst, the change, the feedings that we all went through…and endless list of vampire things she had to learn to truly know.

If she truly knew about what it meant to be a vampire, she would run screaming in the opposite direction. There was nothing to draw her back if I let her know anything more than what she already had puzzled together – which, in retrospect, was very little.

Alice picked up the thread Rosalie had started to weave. "Yes, she would Edward. Because the fact that I have had this vision means that she loves you." She loves you enough to give everything up, Edward, and you know that does mean everything.

Sighing angrily, I snapped back, "That doesn't make a difference, Alice. You know that." She might think that made everything clearer to me, but I was still solidly sticking to my resolve.

"No, only to you it doesn't. Because you think that you're some God-damned demon that's going to hell if you ever manage to get yourself killed," Rosalie snarled, becoming furious at my insolence. Is that it, Edward? Is death better than being a vampire?

She meant it completely rhetorically. I snarled wordlessly as I turned on my heel to walk to the stairs heading up. Under my breath, I muttered soundlessly, "Maybe that would be a better existence than this."

"Edward!" Or maybe not as soundlessly as I thought.

Nevertheless, I tried to pretend I hadn't said anything as I turned back around. My family stared at me, wordless shock plastered on their faces and minds going through hyper speed, too fast for me to catch any words and only giving me a headache. "What now?" My face was completely blank; I could see it in their minds.

Emmett was the first one that spoke. "You can't believe that! You can't want to simply die!" I knew the guy was all 'angst-ridden vampire' but this is not normal! Or angst-ridden vampire! It's just morbid!

Something sparked in me once more – another twinge of anger that Jasper attempted to calm with his abilities but failed to stop my mouth from hissing, "And if I did? What would you be able to do about it?"

I meant it in complete rhetoric as a response to the unfounded accusations that were solidifying in their minds. But of course, they had had one too many hunts lately and decided I was being completely serious about wanting to get myself killed at that very minute.

Rosalie's reaction stood out, predictable as always. When faced with something that scared her down to her very core, she reached for the anger and whip of threats and insults. "Selfish, spoiled –." Stupid idiotic vampire! Her mind screamed the words before her mouth did.

" 'Stupid idiotic vampire'," I quoted back to her from her own mind. I took a few more steps back towards the group, glaring hard at her and trying to make her be quiet for once on her insults. "Yes Rosalie, I know. What's your point?"

Emmett answered instead of her. "We're your family! And that means it's our job to know these kinds of things! And that also means you have to tell us things!" Especially if they are things like you wishing yourself harm! Those types of things are not good! You need help, not your stupid solitude and silence!

I didn't know what made my anger flare so badly; maybe the thought that this whole issue had spawned up because I was trying to enforce my view that Bella had to remain human. The thought that they wanted her to be a vampire was suitably enough to make my tongue slip in my anger.

"So, you'd rather know that I'm suicidal, is that it?" Rather than waiting until I was already off to the Volturi or something equally dangerous, they wanted to know beforehand, now, that I, yes, had contemplated killing myself before?

The moment the words came out of my mouth, I had confirmed what they were accusing me of. Alice let out a shriek and Rosalie simply clenched her fists in anger; Emmett gaped at me while Carlisle's eyes widened and he put his forehead in his hand. Jasper was struggling to calm everyone even as he stared at me with intense worry in his own darkening golden orbs.

Esme's eyes nearly popped out of her head in fury and panic. "He's admitting it! Oh my God, Carlisle, he's admitting it!" My first baby wants to kill himself! What am I supposed to do about this? I don't know what to do!

That had definitely been the wrong thing to say. I held up my hands in a 'peace' – 'surrender' – gesture and tried not to let the anger creep back into my voice. "I am not admitting anything, I was –."

"You were not being sarcastic Edward and if you dare say that you were then I'm going to…ugh!" I won't play nice, either – I will hurt you badly. Alice snapped; I could have sworn that there would have been tears in her eyes had she been able to cry. Certainly Esme's eyes would be spilling over with tears like there was no tomorrow.

It was, however, my job to lighten the mood and swing the spotlight of focus from me back towards the argument we had been having. "I look forward to it, Alice. Because I was being sarcastic."

She hit me on the arm as hard as her small frame allowed – which was actually a lot; however, I was male, which made me stronger according to the vampiric terms of our differences from humans. Females were more flexible and lithe than male vampires, however, and had the advantage in escaping and stealthy hunting.

"You don't joke about something like this Edward, especially since it's you!" You are my brother, and I won't let you think such things! She snarled at me, struggling as my hands closed over her fists to hold her back. Jasper looked ready to jump to Alice's side – either to help her overpower me, or take hold of her fists himself, he couldn't decide between.

I finally managed to shove her back – forcefully – and straightened my arms at my sides stubbornly. The conversation was out of hand; time to rein it back in. "Back to the topic," I loudly announced, ignoring the scathing anger in their faces. "We were discussing how Bella is not going to become a vampire, not my suicidal tendencies."

Rosalie hissed, throwing her hands up into the air. "Well, you little 'tendencies' tie into how you don't want her to become your – your equal, your love on similar terms!" And that is completely idiotic! And insufferably sexist of you!

"Fancy words for 'demonic presence on Earth'," I shot back dryly. This was a safe argument, one that we had had many times over as a general rule of my family trying to pick my brain for reasons on my standoffishness that they could understand.

Of course, they never could understand what I thought. That was an unwritten rule in my family – no one understood. I sounded like an angsting teen of today's standards – well, all the better to play my part in the human world, wasn't it?

Emmett crossed his arms and looked down at me wearily. "What is your problem with this? Why don't you want her to be like us?" My 'teasing' isn't all that, Edward; I do seriously mean some of those things. You should want to be with her every way possible, even if you hold back from it. What's making you think you don't need to, or can't, change her?

"Because she could very well go off and kill humans? Because this existence is utter hell? Because it's not worth any of it?" I rattled off just from the top of my head. If it were possible, they would have gone paler at the mention of each new reason.

I saw in their heads that they were finally seeing some of my point of view. Not realizing anything suspicious was happening, I continued on – my mouth was spilling everything that came into my mind. "Take your pick- I have a thousand reasons for not being a vampire and a thousand more plans for…"

Just in time before I spilled anything else, I caught a thread of Jasper's mind and abruptly shut my mouth upon realizing that it was trust he was throwing at me as hard as he could. Glaring at him, I hissed, "Don't do that."

He merely shrugged, unapologetic, but frowned carefully at me and echoed in his mind what flew out of everyone else's mouth. "Plans? What plans?"

My mouth snapped shut without a second of hesitation. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had my 'brother' shooting feelings at me that told me to talk nonstop about what was troubling me, I had to go and start revealing something that no one knew.

No one could ever know just how seriously any of them should have been taking 'the suicide thing'. If my family had really been as observant as they sometimes thought they were, they would have picked up on this sooner.

It was only the most common of knowledge that I hated being what I was. I loathed being unable to sleep, having to drink blood, having to stay out of direct sunlight in public, having the ability to hear peoples thoughts…

The reasons were endless. The thoughts I had while listening to other people's lives were nothing my family would ever understand. If they knew just how much I longed for human life, they would have picked up on the signs a long time ago.

As my life was taking this dramatic turning point right now, it was worse than ever. In my heart and mind, things were at war over the fact that this one human girl, this Isabella Swan, actually made me feel…alive again.

I heard plenty of 'life' among my siblings and parents, from how they treated each other and how they reacted to each other. It was all too clear that there was indeed love among vampires – we simply didn't become attached to humans.

However, I was becoming attached to a human and that was the most dangerous thing that there was between a vampire and a human. If I had a choice, I would never have decided to stay in Forks – but it was out of my hands.

My heart would not allow my to leave both family and Bella; one try had been hard enough to push through. There was no way another try would let me make it out there on my own.

I hadn't been without at least two members of my family in so long that the thought of it gave me such pain that it nearly made me breathless. And that was also what the thought of leaving Bella, or letting her be hurt, felt like. A knife stab to the chest, straight through the heart, would have been less painful.

And so the thoughts of leaving this world behind had come back. It was irreversible, yes, but would effectively stop all the pain. Every bit of the pain would be gone if I just left it behind me, behind in this world that seemed not to care about all the painstaking work I put into holding back my thirst.

It wasn't easy to kill a vampire. There were really very few ways it could happen. One was by the mortal enemy of a vampire, the werewolf; they and they alone could kill a vampire with their claws and teeth. Another way was for the vampire to have him- or herself torn to shreds and for the pieces to be burnt.

I had figured that going to the Volturi and asking for the task to be done would be my best bet. Either that, or going on a hunt for vampires and allowing myself to be killed: however, that might prompt my family to retaliate. That was something I didn't want, and so my main 'plan' was to head to them.

But that would only work if my family didn't know about the thoughts I had taken so long to conceal, so painstakingly covered up and never hinted at besides the world-known signal signs. "No plans. Not the point. The point is that your vision will not come true, Alice."

My youngest sister wasn't giving up, however, and instead was caught between searching the future for something and shouting at me. "Edward, what plans? What were you going to say?" Please don't tell me my brother is going to kill himself. This can't be happening. I have to find a vision.

"Nothing. I wasn't going to say anything." My blank face and carefully kept composure threw them off a little, but Rosalie wasn't giving up easily.

"Edward –." You'd better tell us right now what you meant by that!

Taking one long look at them, I saw only concern and fear. But I didn't want that; it wasn't as if I was going to go hop on a plane right at that minute. As long as nothing pushed me too far, I thought that I could possibly pull myself back from this place I was stuck in.

Of course, that could only happen if I had a reason for letting myself live. Right now, I had barely one and I had to seriously think about it. Bella was a small reason for trying to hold on – as long as she was human and safe, I could have a small bit of hope for something – I didn't even know what for, though.

"This conversation is over." With that, I turned around and began walking back to the stairs. Behind me, my family rushed forward but I made my way to the staircase too fast to let the six vampires I called 'family' reach me.

"Edward –." Please, don't let my baby keep thinking about this! He can't go up there all alone right now! Edward, come down, talk to us! Let it out!

My answer was a simple, "No." My legs took me past the stairs with graceful ease; I didn't look back to them once.

"But –." Edward, come on! Get back down here – how about some grizzly, huh? I'm male and I'm begging you to talk! You can't refuse that!

"What part of 'no' don't you understand?" I snarled over my shoulder. My siblings were following close behind as I skirted their bedroom doors. Behind me on the ground floor, I could hear Esme and Carlisle – my mother's tearless sobs were almost enough to make me go back and discuss my 'tendencies' with her.

Almost.

"Edward –." I may not have had a vision, but I know that secluding yourself right now isn't a good idea! Talk to me?

Alice's gentle request almost broke my resolve and I paused for a moment outside my bedroom door. I didn't need Jasper's gift to feel a palpable, tentative relief at my halt. But as I sensed the cold hand drifting to my shoulder, I snapped out of it. "I. Said. No."

"Edward…" Get back here, Edward!

This time, their only answer was my bedroom door slamming shut in their faces and sliding a dead bolt in place.

For a few minutes, they pounded on my bedroom door. We all knew that they could simply barge in without asking, break down the door if they needed to, but it was a matter of principle. And it was the fact that if they did that, I wouldn't even let them attempt to talk to me. I would simply attack the intruders.

Scowling and dragging my feet angrily across the floor, I flicked a switch on my stereo, flung one of my many CD's in, hit the play button and collapsed onto my couch. The one I had bought for this town was black and leather – looking at it through someone else's eyes: I almost smirked at the typical bachelor style.

My whole room could be considered a male bachelor's office or workspace. The only difference was that it was the only room like it in the house that held this particular style flair – and that this was actually my bedroom, not an office or some other such thing.

I was avoiding the topic that everyone wanted to discuss with me, and I knew it. Tracing patterns in the ceiling that I had stared at obsessively for the past few weeks was becoming old and boring now, but there wasn't much else to distract me from everything going on outside my room.

Nothing could tear the thoughts away from my head. Esme was still sobbing into Carlisle's arms, knowing in her heart that I was going to try and kill myself someday. Her husband was caught between his fatherly concern for me and rage that I had managed to reduce my mother to this panic-stricken state.

Rosalie and Emmett had slunk back to their room; my sister steamed the whole way there and began pacing and flinging insults and accusations at me through her mind. Her husband sat on her bed, letting her wear out her anger and trying to think of why he didn't see anything like this coming from me.

Alice had retreated to Jasper's study and took her favorite chair in there, sitting and closing her eyes to scan repetitively for visions. Jasper himself sat at the desk and began sorting through the emotions surrounding him on all sides – the only way he could organize his mind was to soothe distress in those that affected him.

Since we were all a family, we all affected him tremendously. He wasn't going to get any thinking done any time soon, but he wasn't really searching for time to think. Rather, it was a stress-relieving exercise and a necessity for him. But he was constantly on alert for any feelings floating down from my room.

It antagonized me that he would think he needed to watch me even closer now that I had revealed, inadvertently, that I was a tad bit unhappier with my life as a vampire than anyone had thought.

All the same, it was slightly reassuring to know that someone was out there who didn't currently want to murder me because I was 'under the impression that I was worthless'. But everyone was still in turmoil, thrown for a loop by my unexpected duplicity in a matter that concerned them greatly – and it did, really.

If I wasn't part of this family…if I hadn't been changed by Carlisle first, he wouldn't have done the same to Esme – we wouldn't have been back in her town unless it was for my 'education'. Without her, he wouldn't have had the encouragement to change Rosalie 'for me'.

And without Rosalie, he wouldn't have even known Emmett existed, let alone helped her save him. Jasper and Alice might have still found each other, but Alice wouldn't have seen us as a family, living off animals. She could have become wild; then Jasper would have stuck to his diet as well without her encouragement.

It made me feel sick to my stomach to think of it in those terms. Like I was the glue that held everything together, or the base that started it all. It was maddening, especially since I was also partly trying to convince myself that this life was utterly useless and I shouldn't be there.

Whether I liked it or not, I also had to admit to myself that a part of me hung on through the years with a small, insignificant hope. I had heard it said countless times that I deserved what the rest of my family had: love.

But since I had never found it in anyone before, I thought I didn't. I thought that I had to stay alone – but Bella. Bella, the wrench in the otherwise perfect clockwork of my theories and self-judgments.

How do you fight against something that doesn't want to be caught, bound down and studied to find error? I told myself again, and again, that I shouldn't be interested in her. I told myself countless times that I shouldn't follow her home, that I should get on with my boring existence.

But every time I told myself that, I failed to listen. My family told me that it was a good thing to find myself loving her, but that was the problem right there; they wanted her to be part of the family as well.

I didn't want her going through the hell on Earth that was the transformation. I didn't even want her touching any of the darkness that was my life. All the same, however, I couldn't deny that she was worming her way in despite all my objections internally.

But that wasn't the issue at hand, Bella becoming part of my world. The largest obstacle was the fact that my family had settled past the fearful stage and made it to the mad one before stopping for the night. It looked like I would be stuck in my room for most of the day tomorrow.

I knew I would have to make my apologies sometime soon, likely before tomorrow afternoon so that I would be 'allowed' to visit Bella's house after school had ended. But for now, I was content to wallow in guilt that began crashing through me in waves, no help from Jasper.

In fact, that caused a tad it of worry from him – I ignored his worried inquiries in thoughts that he sent up. Instead, I flicked a button on the remote control, turning my soft classical music into loud, heavy metal rock that pounded through my speakers at intensely loud volume. An obvious 'leave me alone' message.

It was made that much more obvious with the song chosen, opening lyrics clearly stating that very sentiment. Esme let out a muffled sob into Carlisle's arms, Rosalie stamped her feet in anger as Emmett now tried to calm her, and Alice concentrated fiercely on visions while Jasper sighed and began re-doing everyone's emotional settings.

To me, he thought, Edward, all this guilt and anger at yourself isn't healthy or good right now, or ever even. Especially with what you just unintentionally revealed to us today. Talk to one of us, please; I don't think any of us could take it if you actually went through with something like that.

I simply rolled onto my side into the couch, trying – and failing – to block out the thoughts pounding into my head and torturing me until the guilt rose beyond Jasper's control.


A/N – Well, Edward's one disturbed young man, isn't he? Sorry, but I felt like I needed something more in this. It never quite fit to me how Edward could just start thinking about killing himself if Bella was gone during the Phoenix Fiasco, and so I thought, "Hey, what if he already had suicidal tendencies before that?"

(That would also mean a few things in 'New Moon', but I think that I can trace this back into that. :) See, I'm thinking ahead! In 'Blood Moon' – my 'New Moon' in Edward's POV – I'm going to have a big Cullen family discussion once he's back about that little venture to Volterra…I'm already planning it out in my head. Tee-hee – that's one scene I don't need to write in order. I'm already working on it, then saving it in the little folder so I can edit, and re-edit, and the re-re-edit. It'll go through many multiple drafts…)

Apologies, my dear wonderful readers! It seems I went off on a tangent there, and now should be getting back to the point. So, hopefully you understand why I wanted Edward to have this little suicidal thing here. If not, then I'll restate what I meant to say.

I wanted to build up the image of Edward as this multi-faceted guy, because even though Bella is blinded by love (sigh), Edward's not really perfect. He was human, you realize? And no one can be perfect. So, the suicidal tendencies can technically be foreshadowing (hint. Duh.) And the way he acts is just how I pictured it.

I mean, you have this guy who grew up rich as a human and now is the oldest in a family that has lived for a long time. He's obviously gotten a lot of what he's wanted over the years. That means that when things don't go his way, he's going to be a tad bit angry about it. And since he's also getting defensive – about his suicidal-ness, of all things – then I'd think he would be a little bit more angry than average. Plus, Edward has temper issues. See how it fits together:) Good.

I hope that you liked this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! (Actually, I did like writing this one. It made me feel good to pound out my frustrations on a keyboard, especially when I'm having issues about a guy I like and I don't know what to do about it. Bluck.)

I hope you'll review now, and tell me what you think about this! Thank you for reading, and thank you all for your last reviews! So many birthday wishes! (Sigh) I feel so loved:) Hearts and kisses and hugs and all that good lovey-dovey stuff we all know and wish would go one never-ending-lessly with Bella and Edward! (Sorry. I'm not making much sense today.)