CHAPTER TWELVE
Welcome Home
She didn't know what magic he processed but Edward had done what she thought was impossible. She was smiling again. Her once dark, empty soul was now beginning to see the glimpse of light. The shattered remains of her heart that she once thought had no hope of repair was miraculously being slowly piece by piece reassembled.
The only problem was that he seemed more than content at being her friend and nothing more. They went out to dinner, they went to the movies. He hung out at her place and they talked for hours. There wasn't a day they didn't talk. They spent almost every free minute together. They shared all their secrets and let out all the baggage they had both been storing.
Yet he never tried to kiss her. He never hinted towards romance. A few friendly hugs here and there seemed to be more than enough for him. The only problem with that was she was falling for him. She didn't plan on it or necessarily wanted to but each time he made her laugh or helped her through a path of sadness she felt it a little more.
She had started to feel it before everything had went wrong. That seemed a long time ago now. After that she didn't think she would ever feel anything ever again but somehow those feelings had snuck back in. Little by little, smile by smile she let go and fell for him.
"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked, somehow he could read her like an open book. She felt like she had no secrets from him. It was like he could just look at her and know all her secrets. It was damn unnerving.
"I don't know. I guess I was just off in space thinking about the future," she told him, wondering what it was that their future held. Not too long ago she had thought that her future was all planned out. She and Jasper were going to get married, have a bunch of kids, and live happily ever after. None of that had happened like they thought.
"That good," he smiled and if she weren't such a chicken she would just come out and tell him what she felt. The problem was she wasn't sure what she felt for him. He was like her best friend and he really got her. She felt so close to him and there was sparks there, for her at least.
"What about you?"
"Are you talking about my plans for the future?"
"Sure, do you have any?"
"Nothing ever happens like you plan so I stopped making plans a long time ago. I have thoughts about things I want to do, places to visit but as for mapping out life I just let it happen."
"You do have a point there," she whispered and thought that nothing she had planned as of late had come to life.
"Bella are you trying to ask me about our future?"
Just then the doorbell rang and she went to open it only to find her brother standing there.
"What are you doing here?" she asked though she was glad about the moment of reprieve.
"Glad to see you too. Is it a bad time?" he questioned.
"No, come in."
Edward made up some story about picking up dry cleaning and departed right after the normal hellos. She wondered why.
"So what is up with you and him?" Emmett asked. He wasn't sure if he liked the guy. He didn't know him but that was because he split every time he came around. That made him uneasy. It made him wonder what he had to hide.
"He is a friend," she simply said, which was the truth. The sad, sad truth. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Just friends?"
"Yeah, now what are you here for?"
"Just checking on you. This was outside your door," he said thinking what the hell was he doing giving this to her. When he picked it up and saw who it was from he should have just thrown it away.
"For me?" she asked. She hadn't ordered anything.
"It's from Jasper," he let out and saw her face drain. He knew this had been a mistake.
It took her minutes to shake off the surprise and sudden memories. For a long time she didn't go a minute without thinking about him and then it was a day until recently when she found herself not thinking about him as often. Not that he was ever completely out of her thoughts. He was always right there waiting to return to her.
"Just leave it," she told him not sure when or if she planned to open the envelope.
"I know that I should have burnt it," he said, throwing it down on the table. It made a quiet thump.
"You can't control things. You can't wipe him out of my life. He's always going to be a part of me, a part of my history," she told him, realizing that for herself too. She had tried to eradicate him for her memories but there was no changing the past. He was always going to be apart of her. It might make her life a little easier if she could just wipe him out of her mind and heart but that was not something that was going to happen.
"I know but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I thought that when he skipped town that was the end of this," he told her hating himself for the fact that in some way he had bought Jasper into her life.
"And once upon a time so did you. I'm getting over it so maybe you should try it too. I mean you're still living in his house so I would think that says something," she told him wondering if Jasper was ever going to return. It had been so many months now that he was way. When he had spoken of never returning she had not imagined that he was serious.
"It's just someplace to be right now, nothing more. He use to be my brother but now well where we stand I don't know," but he knew. He would never look at him the same way. They would always be flesh and blood but never again would they be friends.
"Don't blame him for what happened between us. I'm to blame more than you know. I hope that you can forgive him, I have."
"I guess you have a bigger heart than I do. Well I better get going. Talk to you later?" he questioned. He didn't like hearing her tell him that she had forgiven Jasper since that meant her defenses were down. The last thing that he would see happening was Jasper becoming a part of his sister's life again.
"I'll be okay," she told him as he scanned the envelope. Yet she didn't know if she would be.
She sat for a while staring at the envelope before she ever picked it up. Part of her told her it didn't matter what was inside. He was her past and best left there. Nothing he had to say to her made any difference and would do her no good. Another part of her said she had to know what it contained. She hadn't heard from him since that night she lost the baby and he told her he was going away maybe forever. It had been her darkest day. It had been his too and she wondered if he was okay.
She picked it up and sat it on her lap staring at his writing scratched across the front spelling out her name and the address to her house. There was no return address.
Finally she took a deep breath, opened it, and dumped out what was inside. Two white envelopes were all it contained. She picked up the one of the letters and opened it. It was the flier to the grand opening of Flutter and a VIP pass. She smiled thinking about how much fun they had working on that project. She couldn't believe that her plan had been made into a reality. She wondered how it had happened with him being gone.
The next letter was from Jasper. Her heart flipped flopped a few times before she could even read her name.
Bella,
Time has slipped quietly away. I didn't plan on staying away this long but once I was gone I realized that I didn't have anything to bring me back.
Flutter opens this weekend. You did it. Your vision, our dream. It seems so long ago that we shared that dream. Anyways I'm coming back for the grand opening. I want to ask you to come. I want to see you. I know I don't have the right to ask but I hope that you will. Forever Yours, Jasper
Her heart raced at the thought of seeing him again. She didn't think that she could do it. Seeing him again would hurt too much. Even thinking about it just opened up the flood of all the pain and broken dreams. It also opened something else.
She walked up to his door. She needed him. She needed him to walk her through the darkness. Only Edward could talk her off the ledge. Only he could stop her from walking back into her past.
Soft music slid out under his door as she stood there afraid. This was only the second time she was there at his place. The first time was only for one second when he forgot his wallet. There were times she wondered why he never invited her over. Was he hiding something from her? Or was it that he was not ready to have her all the way in his life.
Quiet knocking broke his train of thought. He put aside his guitar and went to open the door surprised to see her.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi."
"I hope that it is okay that I just stopped over like this. I should have called but once I thought about it I was almost here."
"No, it is fine. Come on in," he said with a smile but part of her felt that he was just being nice and she was invading his life in a way that he didn't like.
His place was surprising pretty nice. It was also pretty clean. He had pretty good taste. She had no idea. She realized there was still a lot about him she didn't know.
"I didn't know you played the guitar?" she said running her finger over the strings. It made a dull moan.
"I just mess around with it, nothing serious," he told her.
"Were you playing the music I heard?" she asked.
"Yeah I was working on something. I've been writing it for awhile now but I can't seem to get it right," he told her, wondering what had brought her over there. He could see that there was something weighing her shoulders. He thought maybe it had something to do with her brother's visit.
"Play it for me."
"I don't think so."
"Why not? It sounded so beautiful. I would love to hear it," she told him wondering what else he was keeping from her about himself. She had believed that he was this open book but she was realizing there was a lot more to know.
"I really don't play for anyone," he told her. Music was his therapy. He wrote and played to get things out. It was like her writing in a journal. Some thing private, not to be shared.
"You don't have to," she told him disappointed. It wasn't just that he didn't want to play for her but that it was apart of him that he didn't want to share with her. Maybe he didn't really want to share his life with her at all.
"I suppose I could play a little but it is ruff," he told her picking up his guitar and started playing a haunting melody that she had heard briefly flowing through the door.
For so long she has been pretending that nothing is wrong.
Not wanting to admit that he's long gone.
Turns her face to wipes away the tears that she has been crying, trying to hide the pain.
With her smile she puts on her disguise, paints a pretty picture.
She whispers everything is alright; it's going to be just fine.
I want to believe every one of her lines.
She don't know what she's done to me
All I want is for her to come to me; come undone for me
But she can't get close to me; open up to me
Her eyes never lie
Emptiness is all that remains
We both know who is to blame
Broken and shattered
Her scars reside on the inside
She thought she locked it all away
But suddenly it's unraveling
She don't know what she done to me
All I want is for her to come to me; come undone for me
But she can't get close to me; open up to me
She tells me lies that I want to believe
Time is all she needs
We both know she'll never be free
My love is not the key, nothing she needs
She whispers just let it be
She don't know what she's done to me
All I want is for her to come to me; come undone to me
But she can't get close to me; open up to me
Make love to me
Edward was scared to open his eyes and look at her as his voice trailed off. She had to know that the song was about her. Did she have any clue how he felt about her? How at times he wished that he hadn't fallen in love with her.
"I told you it was ruff," he said when she didn't speak. She just stared at him like she didn't know what to say. The truth was she didn't.
"I have been writing it for awhile now but every time I think I've gotten it right I find something that could be better. It feels strange to play it for you."
"It was…amazing," she finally said as the song found a spot in her soul to haunt.
"You don't have to lie," he said getting up. Space he needed. Space from her and the look she was giving him. It was almost like she was daring him to believe that there was a future for them. He knew that may never be in the cards. At least until she was over him which was the problem. Months later though she tried to hide it he knew Jasper was lurking closely under the surface.
"Who is it about?" she dared asked. If it was about her it said more to her than he knew. All that she thought she was hiding he saw right through. She always said he read her like an open book.
"You know who it is about. A girl who has taken over my soul. She hurts me with every tear and heals me with every smile. She's all I want and nothing that I can have," he softly said to her. He had told himself from the beginning to walk away from her. He knew that she was not over that guy maybe never would be he finally realized. Yet here he still was because he had fallen for this wounded, fragile creature that he wanted to protect. He just wanted to heal her heart broken by life.
"Edward is that how you really see me?" she questioned.
"I see the self you don't even see," he informed her.
"I don't think that you really have seen me at all. You have seen the surface, the obvious that I have had my heart broken, my soul ripped apart and now you think that I'm some un-repairable shell. The truth is I'm stronger than you believe. Yes, I've been destroyed but not ruined. I am healing thanks in large part to you. If you are waiting for me to be completely over my past, over him you might as well walk away. I am never going to be 100% whole ever again but that doesn't mean that I'm not 98 or 99%."
"I just think that you want to believe that and you don't want to admit how much he is still affecting you today still," he threw at her causing her to go back to the reason that she was there in the first place.
"I don't want it to. I want to be free of him. I want you to erase him," she told him and took steps to make that happen.
She filled the space between them and reached out to kiss him but he put up his arm to her stopping the contact. It was like a knife to the heart, a blow to her soul. She felt hurt and alone. He had rejected her.
"No. I can't be that. I can't be the guy that gets you over him. I only can be the guy that you can't get over. Until I become your first thought and not the second it can't be any other way," he firmly informed her. It took all his will considering how much he wanted her in his arms but second fiddle was not something he was going to play, "You have to figure out is holding on to him is worth losing me."
Bella checked herself one last time in the mirror. Walking into the lion's den and she was worried about how she looked. She told herself that she was not going to see him but from the moment that letter arrived she had known she had to.
Then she had that conversation with Edward and she knew she had to close the finally chapter on Jasper or she was going to lose Edward. He made that it clear that it was all or nothing. The only problem was she didn't have all to give, at least yet. Hopefully after seeing Jasper she would be able to put a lock on the door that she had closed.
When she arrived at the club, it was ten minutes before closing time. She had started to leave ten times but found another reason to stay until finally she ran out of reasons and remembered the one reason to go.
Packs of females poured out of the club laughing. It appeared her idea was going to be a hit. It meant nothing to her. It would mean everything to him. She wondered if he was still there, waiting for her. Part of her hoped no.
She shyly smiled when the large doorman told her that the club was closed. She handed him the VIP pass that had been enclosed for her in that letter. He nodded and let her in. There were only a few random people left in the club. No one seemed to notice her. She slipped around quietly checking out the place and smiled as she realized that every detail in her vision he had brought to life right down to the color of the napkins.
"Can I help you?" a waiter finally asked her. He was cute she thought but they all were she thought as she scanned the group of all male waiters. Another of her ideas. Women would come for that if nothing else; just think Hooters.
"I was looking for Jasper," she said, her voice cracked.
"Who?" he shot back at her.
"Mr. Whitlock," she corrected.
"Are you Bella?" he asked.
"Yes," she admitted and thought she wished she wasn't. She wished that she could become this other person that woke up one day with no memory of the last year of her life. She was afraid that was the only way that she was ever going to forget Jasper.
"He's waiting for you," he told her and looked at her like somehow he knew more about her then the fact Jasper was waiting for her.
As she walked through the club she could feel more than one set of eyes on her and she wondered what had been said about her to them.
Knocking on the door swiftly bought her back to reality and then it all ended again as it open and there was Jasper.
Tears started to form in the base of her eyes at just the sight of him and when he smiled, she came undone with emotions that had been bottled up. She couldn't look at him as she walked in and started to pace around his office. She couldn't speak just yet and she sure and the hell couldn't look at him.
"I was starting to think that you wouldn't be coming," he said and the sound of his rich deep voice sent shivers down her spine.
"I almost didn't but we both know we have unfinished business," she said but still didn't look at him. It didn't matter though she knew every detail of how he looked... from the faded, worn jeans, to the black tee shirt, to the new black cowboy boots. His hair was also longer and he had lost more then a few pounds.
"What do you think about the club? We were to capacity tonight turning people away. This club is going to be bigger than Toxic but I'm not surprised concerning that you had your hands in it. I just took your idea and ran with it," he told her itching to touch her. It was like she was right there all he had to do was reach out to her but he knew she would only pull away.
"It was all you. I was just playing at it. This is your dream not mine but I'm happy for you to know that it will be a success," Bella informed him wanting him to know that none of this life was hers anymore. Once that had planned a life together, building a home, running the clubs, starting a family. It no longer existed.
"Do you remember the first time you skipped school to come with me. We went to Toxic and you had this idea about turning my office into a VIP room, well it has been changed into that and it has been a huge success. It was an amazing idea by you," he told her wishing that she would look at him.
"Don't give me too much credit. You have an amazing sense when it comes to business," she told him, always amazed at how much he had accomplished in his young life.
"Business I know how to handle but anything else comes undone. Look at us," he whispered inching closer to her. Her smell, that perfume assaulted him.
"Where did you go to when you left?" she asked avoiding commenting on his statement.
"Here and there. I went and saw my mother. I needed to let her know what had happened. I hadn't seen her in a long time and I felt like I had to reconnect with her. I visited my dad's grave and made some peace with him. It was a lot easier to talk to him now that that he can't talk back. I went to Vegas. That had been home to me and all my old habits were waiting there for me. Sadly, I remembered them too. How have you been?" he asked within a breath of her.
"The answer that I normally give is fine but I don't think that I need to sugar coat reality to you. We both have been through hell and I still have one foot in it. It has been a long journey but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've had help though pulling me through to the other side. How about you?" she questioned knowing from the look of him his answer.
"I'm still right in the middle of that hell you spoke of. I'm starting to get use to it. I almost feel like I'm at home and lord knows that no one deserves a seat there more than me," he halved laughed. It hurt all over not to be close to her. He clenched his jaw to the point of pain trying to hold back whispering to her how much he loved her. Time and space had done nothing to dull the love he felt for her.
"I know you blame yourself for that night but I was the guilty one. I was the one who pulled away from you. You tried to hold on to me," she informed him. She had finally forgiven herself for that night. It was the only way she could move on.
"Thanks for trying to make me feel better but it was my words that sent you running. It was always me that ruined everything."
"Blame is a waste of time. We both made mistakes, we both did wrong. I forgave myself and I forgave you," she told him looking up into his eyes. It was the first real contact that she had made with him since she walked in. It was unnerving what she saw. The once strong, powerful man looked broken and haunted. He looked older, empty of all life. The passion that consumed him was gone. The drive was absent. There was nothing left of the man that had devoured her. Only demons and ghosts resided in him now.
"Thanks but forgiveness is something I don't deserve," he informed her and walked away from her. His sleeve brushed her arm on the way over to get a drink. She shivered.
"You don't want my forgiveness so what else is there? Why did you ask me here?" she demanded. Anger was her only defense against him at the moment. She could feel her heart aching for him. Memories of another time played in her head as old hopes and dreams danced in her brain. She had an uncontrollable desire to kiss him until life entered his eyes again, hoping that it might bring life back to her again also.
She had come here to rid herself of him but once again he was sucking her back in. The need to fix him, make him okay filled her. He was like a little wounded creature that looked at her with those sad lost eyes begging her to save him. But who was going to save her?
"You know why. I needed to see you. I had to…" he let his desires get the best of him and he reached out and touched the vision that had only been in his dreams and nightmares for so long. His lips crushed hers.
The kiss was brutal in the first instance. He demanded and she resisted. Then as desire took over she melted and he responded.
The passion they had shared was still there. If anything it only seemed to grow. The need to fade into each other was overwhelming.
"I have to go. I have to…" she told him as she pulled away from his kiss, "I wish you had never come back…" she hissed at him as her own demons sprang to life. She had wanted him, wanted him to touch her and her lips burned from his caress as if he had branded her again.
She had wanted Jasper he knew. She had wanted to not want him more. That was her demon. Still wanting to dance on the devil after he had burnt her repeatedly. His demons were too long to list. He had come to live in peace with them knowing that they were not going anywhere anytime soon. It wasn't one of them that kept him up at night but a beautiful little angel that had tried to heal his soul. She hovered above him just out of reach.
He had run from her but she floated with him. He drove into the darkness and she waited on the edge whispering come back. Now that he had, only to find she had stopped waiting.
"So you saw Jasper?" Emmett questioned of his sister. He hadn't been too pleased to find that out but keeping them apart was like keeping tears out of eyes.
"I had to see him. He doesn't look good. I'm worried about him. I think that you should go and see him. He needs a friend," she informed him.
"He can take care of himself. Did he say if he planned on staying?"
"We really didn't talk about anything like that," she told him thinking back to her last statement that she wished that he had never come back. The truth was there was a big part of her that was glad he had.
When she realized that she also realized that she was never going to get to the day where she was over him. She was going to for the rest of her life love him. There was no changing that.
He was like a disease and she had thought that Edward had been the cure. The first remain true but the second had proved to be wrong.
