Paradox of Nihilism

A/N: There will be a few hints for events several chapters away from now, but I hope you enjoy this little look into Shoka's inner world and his quite butch zanpakuto. ;)

The Mountain

It took Shoka a very long time to go into jinzen. He didn't want to go back to see that person. But without that person's help, he had nothing to protect Misao with – nothing that could possibly defend her against the forces of the spiritual world around them. So he closed his eyes and let himself go deep within, seeking that other presence inside.

The cold wind howled around him, lashing snow into his face. He shivered against the frigid mountain wind, eyes squinting into the darkness to find a spot of light. It was there, only a few feet behind him. Shoka stumbled into the cave, staring straight into the yellow-orange glare of the fire at the center of the hard stone floor. The cavern was so large that when he looked up into the ceiling, all he could find was darkness. Primitive drawings decorated the walls of the cave around him. The one that always caught his eye depicted a wolf being brought down by a group of hunters. Further in, there was the distinct sound of water dripping. He thought there might a spring inside the back of the cavern, but he wasn't sure. He'd never been able to get much further than the glowing circle of the fire's light.

And that person stared back at him from across the flames.

Outside, the mountain blizzard howled angrily at the cave entrance as their eyes met.

Her outfit was always the same: soft, black buckskin tunic with long sleeves and a hood and matching boots, with dark leggings that tucked into them. The boots, hood, and sleeves were lined with wolf-gray fur. Wild cobalt hair swirled around her sharp face and shoulders. Well arched brows of a slightly darker color slanted down sharply from her forehead. Her eyes were the color of old gold coins, with narrow, silted pupils, and lined heavily in black kohl pencil. A necklace of teeth and claws hung loosely around her long neck.

She was his zanpakuto, but he didn't know what her name was. He was beginning to think he'd never know.

She also happened to completely and utterly despise him. Her upper lip curled into a nasty snarl, showing him her yellowing teeth and long, deadly canines. "I thought I told you not to come back here, kozo!"

His spine stiffened. "I thought I told you not you call me that, onna."

She grinned at him, more of a baring of teeth and aggression than a sign of goodwill. "Until you give me a reason to show you any respect, I'll call you whatever I like, you little maggot!"

Shoka's fist clenched. "I don't know why you won't help me."

She snorted and glared. "Why should I? You have no love for me. You don't respect me. You don't trust me. You won't listen to my voice, no matter how hard I try to make you hear me. So why should I bother to help you?"

"I'm trying," he insisted quietly, rubbing his temples tiredly. "I'm sorry, onna, but I really am trying my best."

She actually made a sound like a growl, tensing the muscles in her back and arms. "Try harder, kozo! Do you know how long I've had to wait in the silence?" She didn't have to make any gestures or speak any commands: a pair of silver sai with sleek black handles simply appeared in her hands. She leapt at him, jabbing insistently at his vulnerable internal organs. "Your weakness is pathetic, Shokanmaru! I will not tolerate it any longer!"

He used her sealed form to block the sai, but it wasn't possible for someone as inexperienced as he was to block two weapons with only one katana. A big gash opened in his forearm, decorating the stone floor with blood, as primitive as the cave paintings. She snarled and stabbed upward, pointing the sai toward his eyes. "You disgust me, kozo!" He ducked and she scraped his forehead instead of stabbing him through the left eye. "Your fear of your own power – of my power – makes you weak. I will beat it out of you if I have to. I will thrash you until this weakness bleeds out of you."

He gritted his teeth and kept blocking her strikes. Again. Again. Again. Again. Until the cut above his eye actually stopped bleeding and the trail of blood dried on his skin. Sweat dripped from every pore of his body and his muscles began to shake with the effort, but he kept going. The sai sliced right through his pathetic sealed katana, wrenching the weapon from his hands. "You do not deserve a defense," she growled, the sai in her hands moving so quickly they flashed on the firelight. "Until you can hold me without any disquiet in your heart, you do not deserve to carry me!"

She kept attacking, so that he was forced to block using only his hands and forearms. She sliced open his palms and tore through his fingers. She demonstrated the sai's abilities to hold a victim down with the prongs by using his right hand as her demonstration tool. He felt himself slipping away from his inner world, the extraordinary pain bringing him back to consciousness in the real world. His hands were completely mutilated by then, but his broken fingers managed to grasp at her fur lined hood, smearing blood over the grayish-brown hairs. "I'm sorry," he murmured, voice hoarse with pain. "I'm sorry. Forgive me for this one day, onna. Please."

Her hard expression smoothed and even softened very slightly. "A lack of humility was never your problem, Shokanmaru." Her voice sounded very far away, as if she were shouting to him from the bottom of the mountain. "I will see you again, sometime."

He grimaced as he felt the bones in his wrist grinding together. "Promise?"

"Yes, Shoka. I promise."

Misao's face was white as Hachi fixed Shoka's hands and arms. "It's torturing him," she whispered, staring at the exposed bones of her brother's knuckles. "This isn't teaching me anything – it's just torturing him."

"Not torturing," Hiyori said, sneering. "Punishing. This is Shoka's punishment. The zanpakuto will probably start cooperating soon."

To say that zanpakuto were strictly confined to the inner worlds of their masters was not exactly true. There was a vague 'other space' where all spirits were connected, but it was a world only the spirits of the zanpakuto could occupy. This space was barren and gray and currently only held five spirits. Off in the distance, a baboon with a snake for a tail and a young (very beautiful) woman who seemed to be entirely made of snow white were speaking with an older man in a dark robe and sunglasses.

But this small group was not the focus of Shojohime's attention. Her arms were folded across her chest, the patterned sleeves brushing her pale knuckles and trailing down to her bare thighs. Her pink ponytails dropped to the gray floor, standing out against the monochrome landscape. The fifth spirit inside this no man's land stood beside her, surveying the nothingness around them as though it were a battlefield filled with soldiers.

"How is he?" Shojohime asked casually, blinking her pale blue eyes at the spirit beside her.

Eyes the color of gold coins blinked back at her. "He's…very different now. Less troubled. But I'm afraid that our natures no longer suit each other well." Nails like claws pulled back the fur lined hood, revealing a mane of wild cobalt blue hair. "I'm not completely sure that we will be able to survive long. We may end up like Amaterasu and Kanemaru."

"He just needs more time. You've been through worse situations than this before."

"But not with each other. We've always been on the same page before," the other zanpakuto admitted quietly. "He's frightened of his own nature. My nature. Our nature. This has never happened before."

Dryly, Shojohime remarked "You'll have to forgive me if I prefer him this way. The last time we met, you killed us."

"We're sorry." Her golden eyes stared out into the endless gray space that stretched out before them. "He doesn't know, but I know he would want to say it if he did."

"Will you ever tell him what he did?" She was certain she already knew the answer.

"No," the taller woman said harshly. "How could I? The knowledge would almost certainly break him, 'Hime. Tell him that his beloved sister is with him because in his last life, he was responsible for her brutal death? Assuming he trusted me enough to believe me, the knowledge would surely drive him into insanity – if he didn't let the Hollow eat him alive first."

"I am inclined to agree with you." Shojohime said, bowing her head in acknowledgement.

The other woman's lips curled up into a sly smile, baring her slightly yellowed canines. "I see Sakanade has returned to you once again, 'Hime. In what capacity do you work together now?"

"We are not speaking," the pink-haired zanpakuto said coldly. "Or should I say, I am not speaking to him. They promised to stay with us and instead, they abandoned us."

"You're still angry with him for that? They sacrificed themselves for you and your master, 'Hime." Shoka's zanpakuto said in a little surprise. "They gave themselves so that you could live."

"They left us alone," Shojohime said sharply, pale eyes flashing along with the diamonds on her nails. "They died and left us alone for nearly a hundred and fifty years. She was never happy after they died. Never. You didn't murder us – it was a mercy killing. Misao has made a request to see him. I will speak to him when he reveals himself to her. Not before."

"You're certain he will?" she asked, raising both of her finely arched eyebrows. "Sakanade is known for being less predictable then most."

Shojohime made a sweeping motion with one hand. "Their damnable curiosity has not weakened. I know Sakanade will not be able to resist reaching out to her. How she will take the meeting is another matter entirely."

The sly smile was still there. "They're just the right gender now, Shojohime. And they aren't blood related this time, either. Sakanade promised one day that they would have both of you. Misao is the only one they could never have. She was always taboo to them. Big sister, daughter, best friend – male best friend at that. She's not taboo any more though, is she? How will you keep them from her?"

Stiffly, Shojohime said "I won't. It doesn't worry me. This won't be the first promise to me that Sakanade breaks. Misao is too afraid of their ability to manipulate her emotions and she fears everyone will leave her too much to trust Shinji. Hirako Shinji – that's what he's called now. Shinji and Sakanade won't have Misao this time, either. His presence is of no consequence to me."

The taller woman's grin never vanished. Her bright golden orbs sparkled in a way wickedly reminiscent of a knife blade, the silted pupils like the points of her sai inside her eyes. The heavy black make-up around them only accentuated this. "Just as you say. Why is it you don't want him near her?"

Shojohime's pale blue eyes hardened and again, matched the tips of her diamond nails. "I must protect what is dear to me. Sakanade will never make me forget my loyalty to her. She is what is most dear and I must do what I can to protect her." Her hand came up and played with the necklace of pearls around her throat. "My mistress's fears are hardly unjustified, my friend."

A/N: I originally intended Shoka's zanpakuto to be a man, but I just kept picturing a woman in my mind's eye. My mom suggest making him into a flaming man, but I choose to make a really butch woman instead (not as butch as the female half of Zabimaru, though - she actually has a male name!) I know I didn't reveal her name, but tell me what you think of her!