Thanks to AnonAnnie for this prompt! This is honestly very high up on the list of weirdest things I've ever helped write... It started out as total crack, but it eventually gained emotional depth... somehow... and we ended up with this little... gem. We hope you enjoy it!
Steve stumbled over a pair of purple rain boots as he made his way into his room- why was there a poster for… Fall Out Boy? What was that? A movie about a boy who fights a lot? He felt a surge of social anxiety as he realized that his lack of knowledge about modern pop culture had bitten him in the ass yet again. Sighing, he picked up his favorite blue mug and sipped at the coffee inside- only now a mouse was sitting on a tiny couch at the bottom, shaking its tiny fist at him angrily. He quickly apologized and put the mug back on the bedside table, groaning in frustration when it went down the garbage disposal. He'd have to ask Stark to build him a new one.
He trudged over to the bathroom and pulled the door open, only to find it stuck to the floor by a pile of jelly. "Woe is me," he mumbled, forcing it open. His eyes widened when he found none other than Natasha standing in front of the mirror.
"I'm getting bigger boobs. Like, huge boobs!" She announced as her boobs suddenly began growing extensively in size. "This boob problem is your fault."
"What? I didn't mean to make your boobs grow!" He cried in horror as she turned around, the movement making her boobs gain enough momentum to swing around and wrap around her sides before returning to normal.
And suddenly he was shooting up in bed, letting out a terrified little noise. "Nat!" He exclaimed, frantically looking around the dark bedroom.
"What's wrong?" Natasha asked, her gun out and at the ready before the lamp went on, blinding him. "There're no intruders." She commented before looking at him.
Steve took a moment to steady his breathing, sizing up her chest without caring how blatant he was. "Oh, thank God." He said in relief. "Your boobs are the perfect size. Don't ever make them bigger." He told her almost sternly.
Natasha turned her full attention to him as she slipped her gun back under the pillow. "Excuse me?"
He almost laughed. "I had this nightmare where your boobs were, like, watermelons, and it was really gross. You're perfect just the way you are."
"Why do guys always dream about breasts? Go back to sleep." Natasha replied, rolling her eyes as she physically pushed him back down and used him as a pillow.
Letting out a content sigh, he wrapped an arm around her and closed his eyes.
Steve was sure that that horrible nightmare from before was messing with his very brain. That morning, when he'd first opened his eyes, the sight that met him was a pair of humongous breasts. Startled, he furrowed his brows, but when he rubbed his eyes and looked again, Natasha's breasts were the same size they'd always been.
She'd been shooting him amused looks all day, too- almost like she was planning something… like getting a boob job. He felt overly nervous.
During training, Steve watched between exchanging punches with Sam as Natasha sparred with Wanda, breasts bouncing slightly every time she moved. They didn't normally do that, did they? They seemed… bigger. Pausing his own sparring match, Steve gestured for Sam to look at Natasha. "Hey, do you think Nat's boobs look bigger?"
Sam instantly covered his eyes with his entire arm. "Nuh-uh, I ain't looking. Last time I did, I couldn't walk straight for a week!" He cried, shaking his head emphatically.
Steve rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Sam- just look." He insisted. Sam peeked at him warily for a second before sighing and slowly removing his arm, looking at Natasha as sneakily as he could. Almost immediately, a burst of red magic hit him straight in the chest, sending him flying into the wall. After he regained his breath, Sam covered his eyes.
"I told you I shouldn't look! I told you!" He exclaimed accusingly as Steve pulled him back to his feet.
"That was pretty good, but you let your guard down." Natasha was saying to Wanda, taking a small break from sparring before the girls picked it back up.
Groaning, Steve urged Sam to forget about it and continue their match.
Once training was over and Sam and Wanda were allowed to leave for the day, Steve instantly made his way over to Natasha, who was wiping sweat from her face with a towel. He studied her intensely. "No… they're the same size…" He muttered to himself before sighing in relief.
"What on earth are you doing?" Natasha demanded, resting a hand on her hip as she waited for an answer.
Steve chuckled and headed for his own towel. "Oh, nothing." He said dismissively. "I'll see you in a bit." He called over his shoulder as he trudged to the door, intending on going to the kitchen for a snack. He let out a frustrated moan when he realized that he'd forgotten his spare t-shirt on the bench and quickly turned back to grab it. He instantly narrowed his eyes as he watched Natasha walking from the room. "No… they're not the same! They're definitely a little bigger." He observed aloud, too quietly for her to hear. Alarmed, he hurried to grab his shirt so he could follow her and discretely double-check his findings. When he lifted the article of clothing, however, a few pieces of paper were shoved to the floor. He groaned, annoyed, and stooped to pick them up.
"What the…?" His eyes must have been bulging from his head at that point as he read the fronts of the informational leaflets for… breast implants. Breast enlargement. Boob jobs. "I knew it!" He grabbed up the remaining papers and sped from the gym.
"Nat!" He called as soon as he was through the door to their bedroom. "We need to talk."
Natasha held up a finger to tell him to hold on as she presumably sent a text before sliding her phone into her back pocket and looking at him, lowering her hand. "Sure."
Steve extended the crumpled brochures and dropped them to the bedspread. "What are these?" He asked sternly. "And why haven't you brought this up with me at all? I thought we agreed that your boobs were just the right size!" He felt utterly betrayed.
"Firstly, we haven't agreed on anything. You woke up one night and made a crazed comment about them. And secondly, those aren't mine- but if you are that concerned, I'll talk to Wanda." Natasha replied coolly.
"W-Wanda?" Steve repeated, almost breathless. "But why would she…? Nat, just to clarify, you did not artificially increase your breast size?"
Natasha crossed her arms. "If I decided to, that would be my decision." She stated, not answering his question.
He dropped to sit beside her on the bed. "Nat, could you answer me?" He demanded, frustrated. "Yes or no?"
"When is my birthday?" Natasha questioned. "Then I'll answer your question."
Steve raised a brow. "What does your birthday have to do with this?" At her glare, he surrendered and answered, "November twenty-second. I'm not stupid, Nat- I remember."
"Okay, Mr. Not-Stupid. What is today's date?"
"Uh…" Steve trailed off, mind blank. After a second of not being able to remember, he pulled out his phone and checked the date that way. November twenty-third. "Oh." He paled. One does not forget their girlfriend's birthday, let alone the Black Widow's.
"And the only thing you gave me… was a comment about my breasts." Natasha replied before swiftly turning and walking out of the room.
Well now he felt like a Class A douchebag. How was he supposed to make up for this? He'd been a total jerk.
But he would fix this.
Steve felt more confident than he had in days- he finally felt like he could do right by Natasha. Hopefully this would lessen the tension between them that had been building over the last day. "Oh Naaat!" He singsonged as he walked up to her- she was alone in the gym, punching the crap out of a punching bag. "I've got something for you!"
Natasha gave one last swing at the bag before turning to face him, unstrapping the gloves to adjust them. "What is it?" She inquired.
He pulled his hand out from behind his back, revealing the small envelope, and handed it to her. "For my beloved's belated birthday." He said showily.
She smiled as she accepted the envelope, opening it and reading the contents. Her expression turned icy very, very quickly. "Is this some sort of joke?" She questioned, her voice fiery, a dangerous contrast to her stare.
Taken aback, he replied, "Well… I mean, it was supposed to be… I thought maybe you wanted…" Damn, only Natasha could make him sound like an insecure schoolboy.
"You thought that I wanted to get a boob job?" Natasha questioned. "Are they not big enough for you? First you dream about me enlarging them, and now you are practically insisting I do just that." She shoved the envelope at his chest. "No."
"It was supposed to be, like, proof that it's your choice- you were mad when I asked you not to, so I thought… See? Now I'm giving you a chance to make your own decisions!" He knew that had come out wrong the second the words left his lips, yet, stupidly, he hadn't shut up.
"No, you are practically forcing your decision onto me. I am happy with my body. And if you're not, you know where the door is." Natasha informed him, sidestepping him and returning to attacking the punching bag - a lot more aggressively than before.
Well, he'd certainly screwed up. Again. How was he supposed to fix this without offending her more? Perhaps he could start with honesty. He loudly tore the envelope in half, dropping it to the ground. Then, without saying a word, he stepped up behind her and hugged her while she was mid-punch, hoping desperately that this time he could do something right and not get punched in the face.
"Do you mind?" Natasha questioned, her tone clipped and annoyed as she attempted to wiggle out of his hold without actually hurting him.
"Nope." He answered with a small chuckle. "You know, you're the perfect size and shape to fit in my arms. I wouldn't change that for the world." He said honestly. "I love you. I'm sorry."
Natasha used more force and got out of his hold. "Jeez, shut up with the sappy crap. Can't you just make it up to me with sex like normal guys?" She exclaimed with exasperation, although he could see her anger had leaked away slightly in favor of a slight fond annoyance.
Steve laughed. "Whatever you want, birthday girl."
0_0 This is honestly such a weird oneshot! Haha! It was certainly fun to write, though!
Please drop us a prompt! Or two! Or five!
Have a lovely day, Lovelies!
-Violet
