WARNING: This chapter may be triggering for some readers. If you are triggered by mentions of suicide or suicide attempts, I highly recommend skipping the final scene in this chapter (begins with the dream).


"Mom?" I stare out the window at several cars, landing and spilling people in front of the building. I recognize them all—Liara, Kaidan, most of my other friends. "Mom!"

"Yes?" she calls from the kitchen, over the sound of clinking beer bottles. I turn and look; she's stocking the fridge. "What is it?"

I motion toward the window. "I don't think you have enough beer for everyone."

She laughs. "Don't worry, I can always pop out to the store if we need more." She motions to an unopened case next to her. "But I think we're set for now."

The door buzzes, and still smiling, I open it. A long line of familiar faces greets me—some still getting off the elevator. "Can we come in, Shepard?" Liara asks. I step to the side, motioning for them to enter. Most of them stop to hug me briefly, or shake my hand. When everyone is inside, and it appears no more are coming, I shut the door. The apartment is filled and noisy.

I'm not sure which conversation to join first. Before I can decide, Liara's at my side. "Shepard, it's good to see you." Her smile seems strained.

"You too, Liara. What's been going on?"

"Not too much. I'm still rebuilding my networks." She looks around, and seemingly satisfied, turns back to me. "Feron wanted to come, but he's…not feeling well." She looks uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?"

She steers me over to the window, out of earshot of the rest. "After the Reapers were destroyed, I decided I'd waited long enough. I told Feron how I felt about him." She gazes out at the skyline, a wistful look on her face. "But… I may have waited too long."

I'm about to ask why, but in a flash, it hits me. "Oh, no…"

She nods. "It's in the early stages, so he still has quite a while. But still, I'm not happy." She looks at me. "The Council may have said no, Shepard, but they can't stop me. I've taken over the research to find a cure." She looks out the window again. "I always thought that if I was with a shorter-lived species, I'd be all right with it. Just enjoy the time I had, and not dwell on the idea of their death. But now I find it's not so." She sighs. "I'm sorry. I don't think I ever really understood how you felt until now."

I pat her shoulder. "Why don't we have a drink? You look like you need it."

Walking toward the kitchen, I spot a few people dancing. My eyes are instantly drawn to Kolyat—and Oriana. I stop in my tracks, and Liara stops with me. "What is it, Shepard?"

I point it out. "They've never met, as far as I remember."

"They met while you were in the coma. Miranda and Oriana were helping in the medical camps. Kolyat was helping, too, since some of the hanar and drell troops were injured. That's where they met."

I stare at Liara for a long moment. "You used to lie a lot better, T'Soni." She opens her mouth to protest, but I hold up a hand. "That was a joke."

She rolls her eyes. "You and your jokes." We continue toward the kitchen. "They've both been helping with the cure. They've grown quite close, I believe."

I glance toward them once more. There's nearly no space between them. "Yeah, I'd say so." Entering the kitchen, I spot my mother opening a beer, and deftly relieve her of it. "Thanks, Mom." I take a swig, leaning against the counter.

"About time you had a drink, Shepard," Jack says. "Always thought you were a little too tight-assed about it."

I laugh and take another sip. "It's still a new thing. But I'll try not to go overboard this time."

"So," Kaidan says after a moment. "Nice apartment, Shepard. Wish the Council took care of all their agents like this."

I grin, patting his arm. "You can take the next galactic extinction, then." There's a round of laughs, and as the song changes, some retreat out to the impromptu "dance floor." A few moments later, Kaidan and I are the only two left.

He steps closer to me, leaning against the counter as well. I try not to look at him as he sidles closer. "Something wrong, Shepard?"

"No," I lie. Too close. He's too close. Just tell him to back up a bit.

I feel his hand on my arm. I turn to look at him, ready to yell, but the look in his eyes stops me cold. "I'm a little worried about you," he says softly.

"I'm fine, Kaidan. Really." The song changes, and now a slower one is playing. I recognize it—centuries old, but I still know all the words. I swallow hard, suppressing the urge to burst out singing.

"All right." He takes his hand away, takes another drink. The bottle drained, he puts it down on the counter with a dull thud. "Come dance with me?"

I smile. "In a minute. Let me just finish my drink." He nods, and heads out of the kitchen. As soon as he's out of sight, I dump the rest of my beer down the drain. I need something harder. Opening the fridge, I find a half-empty bottle of ryncol; presumably what Grunt has been drinking. Pouring myself a glass, I vaguely recall a line by Grunt, years ago: "Ryncol hits aliens like ground glass."

With one mouthful, I know he's right. My head starts spinning. Despite feeling as if I want to vomit, I finish the glass. The entire room is spinning now. I head out to the dance floor.

"Shepard?" Kaidan's voice sounds distorted. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine!" The floor rushes up to meet me.


I reach to caress his face, but he pushes my hand away. He walks to my desk, leans on it. I see a tear course down his cheek, and as it falls, he slams his fist into the desk. "I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I've done. Prepared." He turns away from me. "I consider my body's death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me."

In an instant, I'm by his side, reaching for his hand. "Thane…" I pull him up to face me, gently. "Be alive with me tonight."

His lips brush against mine, so softly I nearly don't feel it. He pulls away for a moment. "Siha…"

I dive for his lips, silencing him with mine. I feel his hands on me; one in the small of my back, the other on my hip. I run my own down his chest, eventually wrapping them around him. I start to pull him back toward the bed.

He doesn't need much coaxing. He picks me up and carries me across the gap, laying me down on the bed.

"Thane…"

He kneels above me on the bed and bends to kiss me again. "I love you, Josslyn," he whispers.

My head is spinning. "I love you, too, Thane." I twist my hips against him, and he smiles.

He caresses my cheek tenderly. "We have time. Don't rush." One of his hands drifts down to my waist. I grab his collar and pull him down for another kiss. After a moment, he sits up, sliding his coat off and dropping it next to the bed. I pull my shirt off, tossing it next to his coat. He smiles. Kisses me again. Then stands up. Starts to undress, slowly, letting me take in every detail.

As he slides his shirt off, I see a flash of movement behind him. "Thane…?"

He turns, and then…the flash of a sword. There's blood… Thane collapses to the floor. I'm frozen in place as Kai Leng stares at me, smirking. "Too slow, Shepard."

I'm startled awake by a scream; after a moment, I realize it's my own. I climb out of my bed, pulling open a drawer in my nightstand. An M-77 Paladin smiles up at me.

It's time, old friend. I pull it out of the drawer.

My door beeps. "Joss? Are you all right?" Kolyat.

I sit on my bed, clutching the pistol.

"Joss?!" The door beeps again. "Joss!" I can hear him hacking the lock.

I close my eyes and lift the Paladin up, the barrel resting on my temple. I can't do it, Thane. I'm sorry. See you soon.

I squeeze the trigger…but nothing happens.

I open my eyes, looking at the pistol—and spot Kolyat, standing in the doorway. "I took the thermal clips," he says, his voice strained. "I thought you might do something like this."

I'm shaking, furious. "You little bastard! Where'd you put them?" I fly to him, grabbing him by the collar. "Where'd you put them?"

He's strangely calm. "I'm not giving them to you. He wouldn't want this."

"You don't know what he'd want! He's dead!" I walk away and punch the wall. "And I should be, too!"

"I wish you wouldn't think like that. You're important to a lot of people, Joss."

"Well, fuck 'em!" I whirl on him. "You don't get it. None of you get it. I'm in hell."

"Why?"

"Because I want to die!" In a matter of seconds, I'm on the ground, sobbing. I feel Kolyat's hand on my arm, and I turn to him, crying into his shoulder. "Why won't you people just let me go?"