I stared unseeingly at the cloudy wall that opened up to a corridor, eyes glassy as I contemplated what had just occurred. I had just played a game of suave word poker with former Prime Minister and Labour party MP Kevin Rudd is what happened.
"How did it feel losing the election to Abbot?" I murmured to the gently humming room which was no doubt crammed full of all kinds of state of the art recording equipment. I had no doubt they could hear things as minor as my hair shifting in place, measure my heart rate, see the dilation of my pupils and monitor the state of my internal organs all without ever directly touching me.
But the time for privacy had passed, now I had to unravel and analyse all the cryptic clues in my previous conversation.
Kevin Rudd was a wizard, he was older than he looked, he still ran some important faction of government that let him, illegally or otherwise, known to his superiors or not, detain me like this. He presented himself as a force of Lawful Good. He knew a lot about me dimension wise. He was in close contact with Yuu. He was kind of smug. I was magic, and transforming constantly. I wouldn't need to eat or expel waste.
Conclusion: Wizards had completely infiltrated all levels of bureaucratic infrastructure since its conception. They ran everything down to the last man. There were still normal people without powers unaware of magic. They were being held back in all areas of life. Kevin was not the Mage Overlord, he was the Cunning Advisor or Pragmatic Head of Police. Wizards were fairly benevolent. The conspiracy was world wide. Wizards didn't operate on my current understanding of the law. My unconscious transform magic worked in this cell which I bet was anti magic. I had to wait for their next move. Yuu would probably be in their hand of cards. As of now, I was a suspicious character. This cell would remove the need for functions such as cellular carbohydrate absorption and taking a shit.
I bit back a sigh, controlling my expression. I certainly had my work cut out for me on that front. I would test it later so as not to trip off any Magic Use alarms right after Rudd left, I would try my other transform power, the one I had to consciously use. I wondered briefly if there would be concealing interference from my unconscious transform magic, if I could use it at all, that would let me escape.
But then I had to wonder exactly how the magic system worked here in the first place. Back home it was mostly like, "I want to do X," and then X happened. There was no other steps that I could remember. No activation phrases, gestures, runes or patterns required. It seemed fairly similar here, too, judging by my embarrassing fight out on the street. I recalled the prosaic power rush accompanying the sudden realisation that I could do magic which distracted me from the most important question: How did I know I could?
The corners of my eyes creased slightly, the closest I'd let myself to screwing them up in concentration.
I had hit my head in the traffic collision which had sparked the activation of some dormant heuristic.
This seemed odd to me. From what I could recall there was no problem back home suddenly gaining power or intelligence far beyond what you'd had a second ago, Yuu had let slip god liked to do this for fun, but this place appeared to have no god and obviously ran off an entirely different set of universal physical laws; even if it looked almost the exact same.
I set this aside momentarily as another problem presented itself to me, an even greater one. So great, in fact, that I was mentally flaying myself for not thinking about it more earlier.
God had sent me here. That was as far as I'd gotten. But why?
I was still in his game. Was this a puzzle from him I had to solve? Was I in a bubble universe where he was concealing himself? Omnipotent beings with a mean streak didn't just dump Saigas off onto random alternate Earths.
This seemed exceedingly likely, which was the problem with god. Despite being so predictable there was literally nothing you could do against him. I set this aside again as another though occurred to me.
Did this world have theology? If so, would there be a clue hidden deep within some holy tome?
A sudden realisation split me in twain like a blow from a Vikings axe: My memories could have been falsified.
It would be in gods disposition to do so, yes? Possibly...
My mind expanded, trying to grasp the situation, understand each facet, come to every realisation this implied... But in the end it was too much, like trying to imagine an alternate world history completely, to model every subtlety simultaneously.
If I were a lesser man I would have perhaps felt helplessness. Despair, even.
I made the most absolute keikaku doori face I could; I would conquer this place if that was what it took; for that was a kings disposition. A kings power. Just let Kevin see my expression, let him supress the anxiety it brought, let him ignore the way the little hairs on his arms, legs and neck stood up.
Let him fall prey to fear.
I chuckled internally, Kevin really should have left a nail file for me to blunt all these edges.
Around about ten hours later of sporadically checking my new cell to see if it was as completely vacant as I suspected, it was, I finally realised that if I didn't need to eat then my cells had no need to absorb and turn glucose into energy to fuel my body; this meant either a) the room itself was providing energy through means unknown, or b) the room removed the need for energy entirely but still kept me going at peak condition.
The implications this had for my metabolic processes were far reaching and bizarre, or so I had to assume without the help of Wikipedia.
So I had instead decided to play a little game called Lets See If I Can Stay Awake Forever Or Until That Ridiculous Chick Pea Addiction Hamstrings Me. I'd pitch it to Mattel but it was very player specific, needing 1 unit of Saiga to play and so probably wouldn't sell well.
And after having been awake for the past ten or so hours I wasn't tired at all, but that could be because I'd already had a sleep before I came here. In fact, I wasn't feeling fatigue of any kind.
Was that because I was constantly transforming into an optimal state, or was it because of the room?
Questions upon questions with no way to test them, I'd have to wait for Kevin Rudd to return which should be in...
It was winter now so afternoon ended at roughly six and Kevin had said it was evening earlier, so the time now was somewhere between six and eight am; if eight pm was generally the start of night time.
...Anything up to two hours, unless he had something more important to do than question me some more which I very sincerely doubted. Although I supposed he could work on a classic nine to five schedule and had stayed late last night.
The minutes ticked by, counted almost perfectly in my head, and at approximately somewhere between seven and nine thirty the big opaque wall-sized window slowly bled clear, a hexagon of small holes opening for communication.
I eyed the now visible corridor owlishly, waiting for Kevin Rudd. I heard it before I saw it; a soft sort of grinding sound that put me in mind of skateboards. The cause of the sound came into my meagre view, the two meters either side if my face was pressed right up against the glass.
Kevin pushed along a wheeled office chair adorned by a single bag of chick peas and a piece of a4 paper stapled to the back rest, hurriedly emblazoned with 'chick peas $5'
I almost made a sound to the effect of, "whau?" The scene was just so absurd. Not entirely unexpected, per se, but Kevin's smug assuredness and neat suit clashed with the slapdash presentation in a way I was half sure was a deliberate attempt to put me off. It couldn't have just been the work of a lazy intern, not with Kevin Rudd, not here.
I recovered swiftly, talking first to put myself in a position of control, or as much control as I could have in a cell.
"Morning, Mr Rudd," I greeted him cordially, with a wave, like a gracious host.
"Good morning, Saiga," Kevin returned the pleasantry with a small bow of the head, "anything from the trolley?".
That shit, he'd obviously noticed how I liked to slip references to everything into conversation. References were my shtick.
I offered him a condescending looking, "how can I afford to pay for all this? I haven't any money"
A crease deepened in his brow, "are you sure you don't want to take the lot?"
I bit my lip, he was offering chick peas which I'd need to retain my sanity, and he knew that I could only get them from him which gave him the power to peddle them like crack. Could I risk not buying them? What if I let something slip in my stupor? I strained to recall what sort of thing I talked about whilst deprived... Yeah. I could risk it.
"What I'd like is to take a fat ogre shit," I retorted, hoping to trick him into thinking the madness had started already.
Kevin reeled imperceptibly, "I'm afraid that's not possible," he said with an ever increasing frown.
"Yeah?" I got out of bed and crossed over to the window so we were face to face. "I can still spit in here, Mr Rudd," I paused to gargle a loogie and hock it onto a solid white wall, "does that mean I also have endless semen for wanking?"
Whoopsie, where did that come from?
"I, yes, but you can't get-" Kevin clearly didn't expect this sort of discourse. "Look, if you're going to act unreasonable we can do this another time, I have better things to do than argue with a petulant child"
"Alright," I said, stepping back a pace, "I can play nice, be a bitch. I'd like to buy those little chick peas you have there for half price"
If he played along I'd take a minor victory and keep my sanity, if he didn't, well, that didn't deviate from my plan at all really. But the important thing was now that I had the upper hand I had to keep my momentum going.
Kevin gave me the bland smile he reserved for dealing with irritating press events, "that's not a problem," he said picking up the chick peas in one hand and holding the other out, palm up, in front of the glass which widened one of the sound holes enough to let a hand through.
I reached through and he withdrew his hand slowly, keeping exactly in time with my movement speed. "I need money to buy it, give us a loan won't you?"
"Why don't you check under your pillow?" said Kevin, suddenly back to being smarmy like a corrupt priest.
I raised an eyebrow, not quizzically, obviously everything in this room was free for him to manipulate, but in condescension. His was a weak joust at my psychological stability. I nonetheless groped around under the pillow and came out clutching a five dollar note which I noticed was very new, as though it had only been printed minutes before.
I handed the note to Kevin who in turn passed me the chick peas. In a sudden rush of clarity I noticed my earlier comment about masturbating was influenced by my psychosis. Embarrassing. I cleared my throat and Kevin got out his wallet.
"And-"
In this moment I activated my magic, willing my enormous penis to slap against the glass like a mighty anaconda gorged on deer. It was my hope Kevin would receive a text or some other form of alert upon this and so have to reveal I was being monitored in that particular way.
Nothing happened.
"Your change," he said.
Kevin tipped $2.50 into my palm; two coins.
I nodded breezily, slipping the dosh into my shorts pocket. It wasn't surprising I couldn't use magic here, the cell was obviously bound. It was an odd feeling, though, like being able to reach a cold pool of water with only your fingernails.
"So," I said, chucking the bag of chick peas onto the bed. "Obviously you've been talking to Yuu again-"
"Not since before I spoke to you yesterday," Kevin cut in.
I shot him a huffy look.
"When can I see her?" I took a step back and scuffed the pure white floor with my bare toes.
Being able to keep tabs on Yuu myself could potentially turn out to be a vital part of my eventual escape, where it be via Kevin's dimensional hopper or using some black market mage. Her stupefaction aura would be very useful to me once I got her under my diabolical thumb.
Conflict erupted in Kevin's eyes as he no doubt attempted to reconcile contradicting facts.
"I don't think she wants to see you, Saiga"
I scoffed, "tie me up for all I care, but she's thirteen and I'm the closest thing she has to a legal guardian. I'm sure you understand the concept of responsibility"
Kevin finally sat down in his swivel chair, as though the weight of my presence was suddenly too much for him. I supposed it would be too much of me to demand he genuflect.
"Come on, man," I continued, "You know she's not quite right in the head. Just let me talk to her"
Kevin 'hmmmed' doubtfully, "I sill don't know why you persist with the charade of humanity, we do have ways of detecting what magic is what and you both reek of Shunting. Powerful Shunting. Which in itself could indicate you had a jaunt to another dimension, but that wouldn't explain the Transform or the strain you're both under"
Weaksauce. I'd had an answer to this for hours, ever since I'd contemplated that vampire hovel.
"Yuu's hands," I reigned in a smirk. "They're far, far, far more advanced than anything on earth. Mostly because she only acquired them, like, a week ago; came out of nowhere they did"
"The localised, non-corrosive amalgamation of asynchronous space would cause intelligent molecule radiation stain in the metaphysical biology," Kevin mulled, avoiding my eyes.
I nodded pretentiously, "she's lucky she hasn't suffered from molecular quark overload sickness"
Kevin Looked me in the eye, took a deep breath, and made the call.
