Title: Beautiful

Series: Dear Spock

My original ideal to do a short interlude before continuing on to the second half of the letters no longer seems practical. Instead, it will be a second series but it will run parallel to all of Jim's letters. However, for the ease of reading I am keeping it all together in one story. The title comes from the Eminem song of the same name but I do not consider this a Trek Pod story. If I did a Trek Pod story for that song, body swapping would be involved. Maybe someday if I ever get the time.

Timeline: The prologue takes place about the same time Jim's prologue. Each subsequent chapter will take place around their corresponding letter.

Warning: Grab a tissue


Prologue: I Am Uncertain If I Am Emotionally or Psychologically Stable Enough to Be Anyone's 'Friend'.

Spock knows this is a dream, because the house of his childhood does not exist anymore along with the entire planet on which it resided once upon a time. More importantly, the woman in front of him sitting down with an old fashion notebook and pen in hand, no longer exists no matter how much Spock wished she still did.

He dreams of his mother daily, even though Vulcans do not dream. Every night he dreams of her. Amanda almost haunts him now, making it almost impossible for Spock to sleep. He usually dreams about saving her. Every night it is something different. One night Spock actually dreamt he accepted Nyota's invitation for dinner the evening before everything fell apart. She had been interested in him for a while but being her professor it would have been completely unprofessional to engage in a romantic relationship with any student and therefore he always said no when she invited him to coffee or dinner. He did not want to give the illusion of such a relationship even if the dinner would be platonic or school related, as she would always promise it would be. An accidental brush of fingers would always reveal her true intentions. He wanted nobody to question her abilities because of supposed favoritism and therefore he stayed away.

It would have been even more inappropriate in these particular circumstances because up until the next day when his entire planet was destroyed, he was 'engaged' to T'Pring in human terms. Anything more than a friendship with Nyota would have been inappropriate for that reason alone even if he had not seen his intended since he was seven years old.

Yet in his dreams, Spock gives in to her the night before instead of in an empty elevator in the middle of a crisis once he is completely broken. At this dinner, she tells him about the message she intercepted involving a ship that could destroy a planet. Because he knew about that particular bit of intelligence earlier, the entire fleet was prepared when they arrived at Vulcan and they easily defeated Nero before he destroyed the planet.

Other nights he beams down to the planet a little bit sooner. Some nights Spock was just a little bit faster as he and the rest of the council ran out of the arc. Occasionally in his dreams, they are beamed off the planet just a little bit sooner. One night he even dreamed that Amanda came to visit him on earth for some ridiculous reason and she was not even on Vulcan when it was destroyed.

Every night for the last 8 weeks, he saves his mother if only in his dreams. The dreams kept coming no matter how many sleeping pills or anti-depressants he consumes. Every night he would wake up much too soon to the cold reality that he was a member of an endangered species and his mother was no longer among the living.

Tonight's dream was unique. It was not his secret wish for things to be different but a memory from his childhood. He was only 4.7 years old in this dream. When this moment really took place, minutes earlier his parents were fighting about something he cannot even remember now because it was of no importance. He sees his mother pressing an old fashion pen so hard into the paper that she seems seconds away from breaking it.

The dream/memory is so real that Spock can actually smell her. Back then, his mother smelled like a mixture of earth citrus and vanilla. It was the scent of home, a home that now only existed in dreams he should not have.

"What are you doing mother?" His dream self asked Amanda hesitantly as he did as a child.

"I am writing your father a letter." Amanda said with the smile that Spock missed so much.

"Why are you not using a PADD? That is more efficient than using paper." Spock said confidently in the dream.

"I don't actually intend for your father to read this letter." Amanda told him as she put the letter to the side and pulled him up to sit on her lap. If Spock remembered correctly this was the last time he ever allowed her to do such a thing.

"Then why are you writing him a letter that you never intend for him to read? That is illogical." He asked his mother not understanding the purpose of such an exercise.

"Sometimes when you're angry at someone you need to just vent a little. One way of doing that is writing down what you want to tell the individual who made you angry or hurt your feelings but for some reason you are unable to tell him or her in person. Instead of screaming at your father, I write down everything I am feeling in these letters. Usually by the time I am done, I feel better. It is much more logical than throwing certain pieces of furniture at your father's head." As a child, he did not understand her statement, but he understood it now.

"I still do not see the logic in it. It must be a human thing. Because I am Vulcan, I do not need to use such a technique. I do not become angry." He told his mother proudly but she just laughed a little.

"That's not true. You do become angry and sad just like anyone else, but you use meditation to deal with those emotions. Writing these letters to your father that he will never actually read is my way of meditating." When this conversation actually occurred Spock continued to ask her various questions but tonight he woke up before he could say anything else.

The citrus scent of his mother was quickly replaced with the fragrance of the incense he used the night before during his attempt at meditation. The lack of his mother scent instantly brought back the true reality of the situation. He was alone in his quarters on Enterprise illogically wishing to be somewhere with someone who no longer existed. In reality, he is alone. He is always alone now even when he is surrounded by hundreds of individuals. No one understands what he's going through, not even Nyota.

His internal clock told him it was 1:23 AM ship time. This meant he slept for a grand total of 83 minutes after 3 hours of attempted meditation and consuming one of the pills Dr. McCoy gave him to aid his sleep. He was forced to start taking the medication after Nyota told the doctor that Spock would go days without rest or meditation. Tonight neither meditation nor medication allowed him to sleep.

Nyota would not know of his lack of sleep this night because he terminated their sexual relationship 5.2 hours previously. They were really not together. It was more him using her to stop feeling so numb after the loss of everything including his mother. Many humans would refer to their relationship as 'friends with benefits'.

It didn't work. Even when they were engaged in sexual intercourse, he felt nearly nothing except at release. It was wrong to stay with her once Spock realize he was just using her to run away from the turbulence and pain in his life. It was a very unVulcan thing to do and he respected her too much to continue using her in such a way.

Perhaps there was another reason why he told her that they could only be friends. Even though Nyota rarely made him feel something other than numbness, one extremely infuriating person made him feel every emotion possible from anger to happiness, and although he loathed to confess to feeling such a thing lust. James Kirk was an enigma yet he was the only source of stimuli that made Spock feel anything other than emptiness for longer than it took to achieve orgasm. Spock found it extremely displeasing.

Yet, James was the reason why he returned to Enterprise. Spock wanted that relationship that the older version of himself spoke of. Spock always desired that type of deep friendship. 2.1 weeks into his tenure aboard Enterprise and Spock seriously wondered if his other self was mistaken. Every time he suggested a more efficient way of doing something his captain would instantly become defensive and simply refuse to utilize the method Spock's suggest simply on principle. Never before in his entire time in Starfleet has Spock raised his voice at a superior officer until Jim Kirk became his captain. He realized it was inappropriate but he cannot help himself from responding in kind to Captain Kirk's belligerent behavior. Spock never understood the human emotion of frustration until he met James Kirk.

What added to his constant state of confusion was James inconsistent behavior. One moment James will be yelling at him on the bridge, minutes later he will be asking Spock to play a game of chess or share a meal. Spock would usually declined simply to keep the peace. Part of Spock was afraid that if they were alone there may be a repeat of the bridge incident. Spock never wanted to lose control like that again, yet his captain possessed the ability to make him become completely unhinged within seconds.

This afternoon Spock wondered if he was on the verge of such a loss of control after another argument broke out on the bridge for the most illogical reasons. This time James left the bridge early barely turning over the Comm to him. An hour later James showed up to his quarters to apologize for his previous inappropriate behavior and to discuss various aspects of the ship's operation. After the apology, it was almost as if their earlier argument did not occur.

For a moment, Spock almost found himself enjoying Jim's company until Nyota showed up to his quarters to share a meal together as planned earlier. He could not help but notice the sad look on his captain's face as Jim exited Spock's quarters. Spock realized he felt that same disappointment and a desire for things to be civil all the time.

It was during his meal together with Nyota that Spock came to the realization that things could not continue as they were between the two. He could not explain to her why he wanted to terminate their romantic acquaintance only that it was necessary. Spock never told her about his former fiancée or his nightly dreams about saving his mother. He cannot explain to her that he feels as if he is surrounded by darkness at all times. He never even told her that he was considering leaving Starfleet because of the guilt he should not feel over not saving his mother or his people. Nyota only discovered that he was not returning when she noticed that his name was absent from the crew manifest.

He only came back because of the suggestion that he would miss out on the most important relationship of his life if he did not. Spock could not tell Nyota that person was not her. In human terms he needed a 'hug' and she just happened to be around. She was his friend and he used her. He definitely could not explain to Nyota that he felt guiltier for using her to take away his feelings of absolute loneliness.

He couldn't tell her any of those things and maybe that in itself was the most logical reason of all to terminate the romantic aspect of their relationship. How could their relationship go any further if he could not tell her what he really felt even if he felt nothing at all?

Instead, he told her that because it was against regulations it would be best if they kept their relationship entirely platonic from now on. Spock explained to her that he did not want anybody to question her abilities or her capability as an officer due to their relationship. It was not a complete lie, but it was not the complete truth either.

To say that Nyota was upset would be an understatement. She was enraged and confused by his rationalization for the termination of their relationship. She found his excuse illogical. The only thing that prevented a scene was the arrival of Jim's yeoman with various projects that the Captain needed Spock to look over immediately.

His fight earlier in the day with James and his later fight with his now former lover required additional meditation before he could attempt to rest. Yet, his attempts at meditation were fruitless as they have been for the last 8 weeks.

Spock considered utilizing his mother's form of meditation of writing letters that she never intended for anyone to see. He immediately dismissed the idea as being illogical as he was unable to come up with a suitable addressee. In addition, there was no paper available in his quarters.

After coming to the conclusion that he would not be falling back to sleep this night he grabbed his PADD off his desk and began to read his e-mails. He quickly opened the e-mail from his captain first despite the message's highly inappropriate subject line of 'You annoyed the hell out of me' only to drop his PADD seconds later after he quickly read the entire letter.

To be continued.