A/N. The title of this chapter is Latin. I suggest you look it up. Remember how I said the last chapter took me three days to write? This chapter has taken me weeks to write because ever since I published 'Three', I've been writing this in my head and on notebook paper. When I finally finished it the other day I had a headache from crying and I cried myself to sleep that night. That's all I have to say. I don't own anything.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you." - 'Fix You' by Coldplay.

James was drowning. He was surrounded by darkness. His eyes were open but all he could make out were the different shapes swirling around him and the black spots that obscured his vision even more. His lungs burned painfully for air causing his headache to reach an all-time high. He was drowning, dying. But this time he felt no panic. The only thing he felt was a sense of peace that crept over him as the darkness began to close in.

Just then a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled. James panicked, jerking away from the darkness as he struggled to free himself from his rescuer. He didn't want to be saved. He wanted to die. He wanted what he deserved. But the arms never loosened their grasp for a second and as James caught a glimpse of the sun overhead, he resorted to desperate measures and sucked in a deep breath, allowing the dirty pond water to fill his lungs. The darkness consumed him.

But for some strange reason, James was still aware of everything. He couldn't see or breath but he felt the sun as his head broke the surface of the water and he felt himself being dragged towards the shore. He tried to resist again but his body was completely limp and useless. So he gave up for the time being, telling himself that as soon as he had control over his own body again, he would go back in the water and let himself sink once again. His rescuer would see what a lost cause he was and give up on him.

Soon James felt his feet start to drag on the sandy bottom and before he knew it, he was laying stretched out on the dry shore. He heard a thud beside him and then hands were pressing firmly on his chest, trying to bring him back. Part of him thought it was weird that he was totally aware of everything going on including the fact that someone was performing CPR on him. But for the most part he wished that he was conscious so that he could push the hands away. Just let me die. He thought.

The water that had filled his lungs suddenly rushed upwards and he convulsed slightly, choking as he spit enormous amounts of the liquid out onto the ground. In desperation he tried to stop coughing and suck the water back inside of him but the hand gently patting his back wouldn't allow it.

When he had nothing left in him, James fell back to the ground and squeezed his eyes shut, praying that his rescuer would leave him alone. When they did leave, James could just repeat the process, hopefully with more success.

It frustrated him. He had been so close to the end and to relief when some random stranger had decided to be a hero and save him. James resented that. He wanted to die, couldn't they see that? It hurt too much to live. But maybe that was his punishment for being such a horrible person. Maybe he was destined to live until he was one hundred and one and live in pain every day because of his selfishness and stupidity. At the same time though, James couldn't imagine that his broken heart would hold out for that long and he found comfort there. He wondered how long it would be before the rest of his body followed his heart and his mind and gave up. It couldn't be too much longer.

It was then that he felt the hand shaking him by his shoulder and the voice calling his name. The hand meant nothing no matter how hard it shook him. But the voice. . . the voice meant everything. James didn't dare open his eyes, afraid that he was simply hallucinating. But then the tone of the voice changed and James heard tears.

"James? James, come on buddy. Open your eyes! Please!"

James couldn't stop himself. He obeyed the voice and opened his eyes ready for the pain of reality to crash over him. At first the bright sun overhead made it impossible to see anything. James winced at the light and shut his eyes again. He waited for a free seconds and then carefully cracked them back open. This time, a shadowy figure blocked the sun and James opened his eyes all the way. It took a while for him to focus but when he did, James was more positive than ever that he was hallucinating. He blinked and opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

Logan was leaning over him, his face white with fear and anxiety. His brown eyes were troubled and sad as he watched James. When he saw James looking back at him, he rocked back on his heels, sighing in relief. "James."

James could only blink again in response. This was a very good hallucination. They were back at the same pond that he and Logan had gone fishing six years ago. It was ironic that Logan had saved him again. James tried to think back to the last thing he remembered but all he could think of was when he was underwater and drowning again. His mind was completely blank. Maybe he had taken too many pills and had finally lost it. Maybe his parents would have to send him to a mental ward. The thought brought tears to James' eyes. He had tried to save them more trouble by simply dying but once again, he had failed and caused them more pain. He couldn't do anything right.

"James, can you hear me?" Logan's voice interrupted his thoughts. One hand gripped James' wrist, obviously counting his pulse.

James smiled. His hallucinatory Logan was almost as good as the real one. So concerned for his friend's well-being. He nodded to ease Hallucinatory Logan's fears.

Logan set James' wrist gently on his chest and let out another sigh of relief. "Can you talk.?"

James was pretty sure that he could talk. But he didn't want to because he was just as sure that the moment he opened his mouth, Logan would disappear and he would wake up in a padded room, maybe even in a straight jacket. Still, his mouth opened and he spoke the first thing that came to his mind. "Logan."

Much to his surprise, Logan didn't disappear. He smiled instead and all of a sudden, James sat up so fast that the two boys nearly knocked heads. James grabbed Logan in a hug, expecting his arms to close around empty air, but they connected solidly with Logan. When he felt Logan return the hug, he fell apart.

The tears had been held back for so long that it seemed they had to make up for lost time. James shook so hard with each sob that he was amazed he didn't break and shatter into a million tiny pieces. Maybe it was Logan who, just like he used to, was holding him together. Everything hurt but at the same time, it didn't matter. James ignored the ache in his chest from his breathless sobs and clung tighter to Logan, feeling whole even though he wasn't real.

His sobs finally quieted and he pulled away from Logan just enough so that he can see him clearly. "Logan?" He whispered in disbelief.

Logan smiled again but the expression was weary and still concerned for James. "Yeah, James. It's me."

"Are you. . ." James struggled for a way to phrase a question when he was afraid to hear the answer. "Are you real?" He blurted it on in a rush and then shut his eyes, waiting for the answer.

"Yes."

It was all Logan needed to say. James opened his eyes and stared at his friend in wonder. Then all of the missing pieces began to click together and he found himself fighting down a wild hope. "Logan," He said for the third time, enjoying the ability to talk to his friend again. "Am I dead?" That had to be it. He had to be right. Who cared if Heaven looked exactly like their childhood pond? Who cared if James didn't deserve Heaven? Logan was there and that obviously meant they weren't in Hell.

But Logan shot his foolish hopes down with a shake of his head. "No, James. You're not dead." The relief in his voice made it only harder for James to hear. "This is a dream You overdosed on the pills you got from Mark but your parents found you in time. They called 911 and you got your stomach pumped. You're going to be fine."

The long explanation felt like a punch to the stomach. James could only stare at Logan before he managed to form one word. "How?"

Logan's sympathy and worry changed to confusion. "How, what?" He asked.

James took a deep breath a steadied himself. "How am I supposed to be fine? I know you haven't been aware of what's been going on but I've been such a mess. I can't do anything right anymore and all I do is hurt people. I'm a screw-up."

Without warning, Logan reached out and slapped James full in the face. James stopped talking, startled. He touched his hand to his face and looked at Logan speechlessly.

Logan was crying. Tears ran unheeded down his face as he spoke to James, each word feeling like another slap. "How could you, James? You promised me. All of you promised that you'd stick together and you promised me that you wouldn't do anything stupid." He let out a shaky breath and took James' arm in his hand, using the other one to pull back to long sleeve to reveal the spider web design of scars across the skin." He looked at James, every trace of his previous anger gone, replaced by a deep sadness. "Look at you." He whispered, his voice breaking.

"Logan, it hurt so much. We tried to stay together in the beginning but it hurt even more. Every conversation that we did have ended because there were always these pauses where you should have said something. There were all of these empty spaces when we tried to hang out. Places where you always sat and things you always wanted to do. It just made us miss you more." James dragged his free arm across his eyes. "I just. . . I just got to the point where it felt best to feel numb and empty."

"So you filled your life with drugs and alcohol and cutting." Logan raised an eyebrow at James. "Did I miss anything?"

"I stole my parents' money so that I could buy more drugs." James confessed in a dull tone. "And every night I waited until my parents had to to bed so I could sneak out and buy those drugs. I wanted to be alone too. I ignored Carlos and Kendall and everyone else who cared about me. I thought it would be easier for them if I died."

:How could you think that?" Logan asked, desperate to understand. His eyes had filled once again and James' heart broke all over again at the sight. Surely only someone as messed up as he was could make a dead person cry. "James, you can't just shove everyone away because you don't want them to get hurt and you're afraid of getting hurt yourself. What if I did that to you guys when I was sick? Would you have liked it if I stopped hanging out with you guys I kept to myself? Put yourself in their shoes, James. How do you think they feel right now? You just tried to kill yourself."

"How could they even care about me anymore?" James said miserably. "I haven't given them one reason to care."

"James, you've given them every reason in the world to care and worry about you. They're all in the hospital right now. Your family, Kendall's family, and Carlos' family. They're worried sick about you. They love you and they've never stopped. They want to help you. You just have to let them."

"But Logan, I need you. We need you. I can't do this anymore. I just want to give up."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself on my birthday?" Anyone else would have yelled at him, but Logan just looked hurt and that was even worse. Before James could respond, he was pulled closer to Logan. "You're all so close." Logan said sadly. "You've finally realized that you can't do it alone and that you need each other. That's a step in the right direction."

"But Logan, it's not just that I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore either." James buried his head into Logan's shoulder. "I want to stop. I want to die. Why did they have to save me? Why did you have to save me again? Why couldn't you just let me drown?"

"Because," Logan gently forced James away so that he was looking at him. "I love you, Carlos, and Kendall way too much to let you just give up."

"But I'm better off dead." James refused to look Logan in the eyes.

Logan dropped his hands from James' shoulders and turned away. "What's your problem, James?" He begged for understanding. "This isn't the James I knew. You've changed so much. You keep saying that everyone would be better off if you were dead but you're just being selfish. You don't want to have to deal with the pain anymore so you gave up and tried to kill yourself. On my birthday. Why, James? Why would you do this? You used to care about other people." Logan could barely talk, he was sobbing so hard. "You promised me, James. You promised."

All of the pain he had felt up until that point could have been combined and it could have never come close to the pain that James felt as he watched Logan cry. He waited for his own tears to fall but nothing happened. Instead he felt himself fading away.

Just then, Logan touched him on the shoulder. "James, listen to me. I promise, I swear that if there was any way I could come back, I wouldn't think twice. I don't care how freaked out people would be. If it took your pain away then I'd do it in a second. It's killing me all over again to see you guys like this. Everything I had to deal with when I was sick. . . that was nothing compared to this."

James could only stare at Logan in horror. "But you said you wouldn't know." He whispered. "You said that you wouldn't know how much we were hurting and that was the only way you could let go. That's what you-"

"I know." Logan interrupted. "You have to just listen right now. Remember the first time I died? Remember what I told you about Daniel?"

"Yes." A thought dawned on James then and he had to ask it even though it was a foolish question. "Wait. Is that what's happening with me right now? Because if it is then I want to stay dead, Logan. I don't want to-"

"James!" Logan sighed. "I already told you that you're not dead. This," He waved a hand in the air, gesturing all around them. "This is just a dream. I'm only here to tell you to stop what you've been doing to yourself. You've let yourself go so far. Too far. You've become a completely different person. I'm here to tell you to go back to being the old James. The one I knew when I was still alive. That's why I'm here and that's why I know what's been going on with you guys." He smiled slightly. "That's how strong our friendship is, James. Even death could never really separate me from you guys."

"You mean. . ." Jame said slowly as he put the pieces together. "You mean it's my fault that you're hurting right now?" His voice trembled.

"Stop it." Logan whispered. "Stop doing this to yourself, James. Stop this self-loathing. Honestly? Yes, I'm here because of you. But it doesn't matter because I will do everything in my power to bring you, Carlos, and Kendall back together again. You need each other. I already told you this and look where you've all ended up. Kendall didn't care about anything, Carlos became a ghost of who he used to be, and you went off the deep end."

"We screwed up big time, Logan." James admitted. "We broke all of our promises to you. You were right. You said that if we lost each other, then we'd lose each other. That's exactly what happened."

"But there's still time." Logan said firmly. "You're all still alive. As long as you're alive there's still hope. And as long as there's hope, there's still time to save each other and be friends again. Our friendship is much too strong to fall apart forever. You and I both know that. So do Kendall and Carlos."

"You keep talking about our friendship like you're still alive." James looked up at Logan. "Why?"

"I told you." Logan replied softly. "Our friendship is so strong that not even death can separate us. Only we can end it and only if we choose too. I'm dead, James. But I'm not gone. Not really. Just because you can't see me or talk to me doesn't mean I'm not your friend anymore. We're just in different places right now. But I'll always be with you in other ways. And one day, we'll see each other again. Death is just another part of life that we'll all experience eventually. It separates us physically but that's all. I'll always be with you guys."

"Promise?" James let the tears fall because he knew what was coming and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't be truly okay with it.

"I promise, James. All you guys have to do is stay together and I'll be there right with you."

"That's what hurt though. The empty spaces that you used to fill."

"I don't mean actually talking and filling up those spaces, James. You know that. Listen, it may be hard now, but one day you guys will be able to look back on all those amazing times we had together and you'll be okay. It won't hurt as badly. But you need each other."

"I'm afraid." James whispered. He felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and had been replaced by something he hadn't felt in months. Peace. But he didn't know how long it would last.

"You're always braver than you believe you are." Logan told him. "All of you. And together, you're unstoppable. Just like we used to be when it was the four of us."

"I hate being three." Tears filled James' eyes.

"But you can be three. And like I said, I'll always be with you. Just not like I used to be. Just don't forget me."

James nodded slowly. "I know." And he did.

"So do Kendall and Carlos." Logan looked relieved. "You guys are so close." He stood up then, and offered James a hand. "Come on. Let's go for a walk."

James didn't question Logan and the two walked through the quiet woods in companionable silence. James turned Logan's words over and over again in his mind until he noticed that Logan had come to a stop. He looked around in confusion, realizing that they were no longer at the pond but somewhere just as familiar. "This is my house." He said aloud.

"I know." Logan laughed softly. "It's time for you to go back now, James. It's time for you to go home. It's time for you to wake up and go back to your family and Kendall and Carlos."

The peace vanished and James felt panic rising in his chest. "No." He whispered. "No, Logan. Not now. I can't. Please, can't I stay just a little longer? I'm not ready."

"Yes you are." Logan said firmly. He took James by both shoulders and looked up at him. "Kendall and Carlos need you and you need them. Remember what we talked about, James. It's time."

"Logan," James choked on a sob. "I don't want to let you go again."

"Just because you're letting go of me doesn't me I'm gone, James." Logan drew James into one last hug.

James leaned into Logan's embrace, holding onto him as tightly as he could. He knew that Logan was right but he didn't try to stop the tears from streaming down his face. He felt Logan rubbing his back soothingly and heard him whispering comforting words to him until he finally had enough strength to step away. "Okay." He nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"Good." Logan's grateful smile was worth the pain. He dropped an arm across James' shoulders and walked him to the doorstep. Then he stopped and faced James, smiling sadly. "Say hi to Kendall and Carlos for me, okay? Tell them that I'm okay and that I love them. I love you too, James. I've never stopped loving my brothers. Death ends a lot of things but love isn't one of them."

"We love you too, Logan." James brushed the remaining tears from his eyes. "We'll miss you every day but we'll be okay. We have each other again." The more he said it, the more he believed it and that as the only thing that kept him holding on.

"Yes." Logan rested a hand lightly on James' shoulder. "I know. I'm so proud of you guys. It took a little longer than I would have liked and a lot of bad things happened. But you're stronger in the end."

James took a deep breath and reached out with a shaking hand. He grasped the door knob in one hand and turned to look at Logan one last time. Logan's hand had fallen to his side and he was watching James with tears in his eyes but he was smiling. "Goodbye, Logan."

A/N. I honestly have no idea what to say. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I'm just glad I was home alone. Thank you for all of the support so far. I don't think I would have gotten this far if it wasn't for all the incredible and encouraging reviews I've received. Your support made this story. It's not over but it's gets easier from this point on. I hope you liked this chapter! Please review and I'll update as soon as I can! Love you!