Chapter 12 : Openess

Once the tears started, I couldn't stop them. All of the emotions that I had been bottling up over the last few weeks were glad to finally have a release. Feelings of anger, failure and loneliness that had I had been fighting so hard to push down and keep hidden had finally exploded outwards in one sharp blast and now that the defences that I had so carefully put up were down, I wasn't sure that I could close them again.

I buried my face into my hands muffling my hard, pained, loud, tear- filled cries. I barely registered the small sound of movement to my left, but it was enough to remind me of the person standing beside me. Through my sobs it occurred to me that I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown in front of the one person that I hadn't ever wanted to. He was the one person who had always managed to hurt me with his words; the one person who would expose all of my insecurities and I had just given him a lifetime of ammunition to use against me.

A fresh wave of emotion and grief slammed into me and I wrapped my arms around my trembling knees as a steady stream of tears tracked their way down my flushed cheeks. I paused mid sob when I felt the presence of a person sitting down beside me. Not close enough to touch, but close that I could feel the comforting warmth of their body against my arm. I waited, sitting perfectly still, to see what he would do; see what was coming, but when after a moment, he neither moved nor spoke, the tears continued to silently fall from my eyes.

We sat there for a long time on the hard wooden floor of the library, pressed against the bookcases, not a word said between us. The only sounds breaking the eerie quiet of the library being my muffled sobs.

In their own time my jagged tears stopped and my breathing became easier. I felt hollow and strung out, yet somehow I felt better for getting all of the toxic emotions out. I was very aware of Malfoy sitting beside me, something which both calmed and unsettled me. It took all of the effort that I possessed to not look at him. If I turned around and saw that sneering face then it could quite possibly be enough to send me over the edge again.

I took a deep breath and turned my head slowly to the left, my eyes sliding to side, trying to remain unnoticed. However what I didn't count on was the fact that he was looking right at me, watching me very closely and that instead of the look of complete disdain that his face usually displayed, it showed one of such concern that I couldn't look away. I hadn't ever seen his face so sad and full of such emotion before. It was so unusual that my eyes traced over every inch of it, my brain finding it hard to compute that it was Malfoy beside me who seemed genuinely concerned for my well- being. But what I found even harder to understand were the words that came out of his mouth when he started speaking to me.

'Are you okay?' Malfoy asked uncertainly, his eyes never leaving my face.

Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with a new wave of emotions.

Humiliation.

Guilt.

Shame.

Gratitude.

Anxiety.

Fear.

I didn't know what to do with his concern. I didn't know how to respond and so I responded in the only way that I could. The only way that I knew how. The way that I had been speaking to him for years- with complete and utter loathing.

'What do you care Malfoy?' His face recoiled in slight shock and I immediately felt a little bit guilty that I was being so horrible when he seemed to be genuinely concerned.

'I've told you before Granger, you know absolutely nothing about me, so stop making assumptions and pretending that you know what I'm like,' Malfoy retorted, trying to keep calm, but unable to stop the anger and annoyance creeping back into his voice.

'You forget that I do know you. I've been on the receiving end of half of the cruel jibes you've ever made. You hate me. You've hated me since the moment you met me, so excuse me if I'm not buying into your concern. I know you don't give a damn about me, so do us both a favour and stop whatever game it is you're playing.'

I watched as a number of emotions flitted across Malfoy's face in a matter of seconds. First anger, then guilt, then finally uncertainty as if he was debating what he should say next. It took a few moments for him to finally formulate his response and answer me.

'I don't hate you,' he said in a slow and steady voice, not quite meeting my eye as he spoke.

'You expect me to believe that?'

'No I don't expect you to believe it,' he said, pausing slightly, 'but... never mind.'

Raising my eyebrow in disbelief was the only action that I was able to perform. My brain seemed to be temporarily stunned, leaving me completely unable to come up with a comeback. I had absolutely nothing that I could say back to him. I knew he couldn't be telling the truth. Of course he was only pretending to have changed, although why he seemed so determined to convince me of that fact was beyond me. And yet something about the way that he shuffled from side to side as if he was nervous and the way that he couldn't meet my eyes, as well as the slight pinkish tinge that had appeared on his pale cheeks made me question myself. Made me doubt my instincts and think that he may, possibly, actually be telling the truth.

My silence seemed to indicate to him that it was okay for him to continue, as when I didn't respond he lifted his gaze to my face as if to assess my reaction, only this time he didn't look away. Taking a deep breath and holding my gaze he continued.

'Look I don't know why, and you might not believe me but I've never treated anyone as badly as I've treated you, and I've never met anyone who deserves it less.' He paused, looking at me thoughtfully for a moment. 'Whether or not you want to admit it, you need someone to talk to.'

'You don't know what you're talking about' I said more to convince myself that him.

'I know lot's about you,' he retorted, moving quickly around so that he was crouching in front of me and looking me straight in the eyes. 'I know that you hate being back here. I know that you're feeling lonely and that you're scared of being left alone while all your friends move on. I know that you're having problems with your parents and that they you've hardly had any mail all year. I know that you're barely managing to pay any attention in classes, that you just stare at books, pretending to read them, hoping that no one will come up and speak to you. I know that you still have that scar on your arm that you're ashamed of and you want no one to see. Asides from Potter, I'm the only one who knows what that bastard McLaggen did you and because you're so worried about what people think of you, you haven't told anyone about what happened even though you should. And I know that you are so busy trying to hold it all in, trying to be okay for everyone else that you are only ever a moment away from breaking completely.'

All the while he was speaking, he leaned in slowly towards me, looking deep into my eyes, stopping when he was mere inches away from me. 'Don't think that I know nothing about you Granger, because I do. Right now I'm probably the person that knows you the best. I would bet that even Potter and Weasley don't know any of that.'

As I looked up at him, unable to breathe, I examined his face and saw not a trace of amusement or mocking in his features or in his eyes. He looked so genuine and the words that he spoke were so accurate that it was if he was reading my mind. I couldn't help but wonder that when he looked into my eyes, he had read the contents of my soul and found out exactly how I was feeling. I couldn't help but wonder how he knew all of that. I mean yes I had told him some of it, but how had he known the rest. How did he know about the books and the scar? I was pretty sure I hadn't told him any of that. And most if all, how did he know exactly how was I feeling? How was it that he knew me so well?

'How do you know all of that?' I asked quietly, 'How do you know so much about me?' I added lifting my eyes to meet his.

'Because I've been watching you.' He answered, his mouth twitching in discomfort at the confused shock on my face. 'I'm a Slytherin. I'm observant,' he added in justification.

'Is there any particular reason that you've been watching me?' I asked questioningly, trying not to sound too accusing and creeped out.

'I was curious,' he said shrugging slightly, 'you just seemed different this year and then after the potions incident and McLaggen, I couldn't help but watch you. The more I saw the more I wanted to know.'

'What do you mean?' I asked surprised at his response.

At this he sighed and moved back away from me, so he was resting against the bookcase opposite from me. He was biting his lip slightly, as if assessing what he should say next. 'Look, it's not just you that finds it difficult to be back here. I saw things I'd rather forget too,' he said simply as a dark look crossed his face. A look that I was only too familiar with. The same look that crossed Harry's face and Ron's face as they talked about the war.

'Oh, right,' I muttered, unable to think of any other response and feeling stupid that I had only just realised that he had been through a lot in the war as well.

'You know the war wasn't easy on us either,' he continued, 'I know you think that I was on some sort of killing spree with him, but it really wasn't like that. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be doing those things.'

'Then why didn't you leave, stand up against him.'

'You don't understand. I didn't have a choice,' he said breaking his gaze and running his fingers through his hair, 'none of us did. When I was younger, yeah I wanted to be a death eater, but I didn't have a clue what it actually meant. I just thought that it would mean a few harmless pranks, nothing serious, but having respect and some sort of power.'

I found that as much as I wanted to tear myself away, I couldn't. I was engrossed in his words. I couldn't take my eyes from his pale face, watching as his eyes darkened as he gazed off into the distance, looking once again out of the window.

'I had no idea what it actually meant. My parents didn't want me to do it either. They didn't want to be a part of it themselves; they had too much to lose. But you just don't say no to him and live. You can't walk away and if you don't do what he asks, then he punishes you. He finds the way to hurt you the most and he uses it.'

'And what hurt you the most?' I asked unthinkingly, completely drawn in by his story, unable to stop listening. Malfoy's expression darkened as he turned to look at me as anger once again filled his eyes.

'Sorry,' I said quickly, 'I didn't mean to pry that was rude. I shouldn't have asked that.'

'No it's fine, I don't mind. I'm not mad at you,' he said as the anger slipped from his face, being replaced by a tortured look that immediately made me feel sorry for him, something which made me feel extremely disconcerted.

'For some it was their money, their homes, their reputation or just plain good old fashioned torture, but for most of us, for me, it was my family.' He sighed deeply and I could see the lines of tension lining his shoulders. 'When my father failed in the Department of Mysteries, he hurt him through me. He set me an impossible mission. He wanted to watch me suffer and then destroy me for failing.' He gave a low humourless laugh but I could see the tightness in his jaw. 'I was so stupid and so naïve not to see it. At first I thought it was because I was special, because I was being trusted. I was an idiot not to see that it was all just a way of making my father pay for his failure.' A bitter look crossed his face as continued, 'After that I realised what he could do and what he would do. If any of us failed him in any way, it would be our families that paid. I hated him. But I was afraid. That's why we couldn't just walk away and say no. No matter how much we wanted to. It was the cruellest form of torture. He may not have understood love, but he understood enough to use it to manipulate people. That's why what my mother did was brave. She risked everything and I know you think she was being selfish, but she took a major risk.'

I was silent for a moment, contemplating his words. Trying to think what life must have been like for him. What it must have felt like to have your family held to ransom. I tried to imagine myself in his situation. Tried to imagine what I would have done to protect the ones that I cared about. Every day we worried about what would happen to our families, but as least we didn't have to torture people in order to keep them safe. In that moment, I knew that he was being sincere. That he was speaking from his heart. I knew that he had let his barriers down, just like I had let mine down and that I was getting a rare glimpse at the real Draco Malfoy.

'I'm sorry,' I said weakly, unable to think of anything better. 'I'm sorry for what I said. I guess I just, I didn't realise what you had been through. You just always seemed so together and like nothing ever bothered you. And, well, I'm sorry for earlier. For the things that I said to you,' I admitted ashamedly. 'That person, that's not who I am. I was angry and I took that anger out on the wrong person.'

''Apology accepted,' he said simply. 'And I'm sorry too. About everything, about what I said,' his look turned uncomfortable. 'What I said to you, the other day, about McLaggen. That was out of order. Of course you didn't deserve it. I didn't mean it, you just caught me at a bad moment, but that's still no excuse. What I'm trying to say is... I'm sorry. But you still haven't told anyone.'

'No. I haven't.'

His face hardened and I felt uncomfortable under his inscrutable gaze. 'You need to tell someone. How would you feel if he did it to someone else and you could have stopped it?'

'But you could get into trouble.'

'And I'll deal with it if that happens. I doubt anyone, even McGonogall could blame me for what I did.'

'But everyone would know.'

'So they'll know. You're a Gryffindor. You'll survive. Besides people won't be judging you. They'll be judging him.'

'You did,' I reminded him.

'I already told you. I was being a dick. And besides if anyone says anything it's their issue. Not yours. I mean it Granger. Tell McGonogall.'

I nodded but that wasn't enough.

'Say it,' he urged.

'Fine,' I conceded. 'I'll tell McGonogall.'

'Take Potter with you.'

'Fine. I will.'

'Good. Now I guess we really should get back to work', he said standing up in one swift movement. 'If Madame Pince finds us skiving, she'll have our heads.'

As he finished talking, he stood up, stretching out his long limbs before turning around to face me once again, holding out one of his hand for me to take. I surveyed his hand for a moment, hesitating, but seeing his face and eyes so sincere, I found myself placing my hand into his. As his large hand gripped my small one, I couldn't help but feel surprised at how warm his hands were. As the warmth from his hand spread to mine, he tightened his grip around my hand and pulled me to my feet in one swift movement, so that mere inches were separating us.

I watched with wary eyes as Malfoy made a small move forward, slowly closing the distance between us and I held my breath in anticipation wondering what he was about to do, when the sound of laughter filled the library, breaking the silence. We both immediately jumped back a step and I let out a shaky breath, feeling both relieved and disappointed at the interruption.

In that split second, it seemed that the moment had ended and an awkwardness descended between us, as we looked at each other, embarrassed at how much we had revealed to each other.

'I guess the match must have ended,' I said, stating the complete obvious.

In that moment. All emotion disappeared, leaving his blank stony mask in its wake.

We should probably get back to work,' he said turning away from me and resuming his task.

The spell had truly been broken, the honesty had ended and we were truly back in reality.

When detention ended shortly after, I quickly gathered together my belongings and left the library, trying not to seem like I was running away. I paused briefly giving Malfoy a small and awkward smile as I hurried passed, something which I immediately regretted.

I rushed through the corridors, as quickly as I could, manoeuvring through the crowds of people who were still making their way back from the Quidditch pitch. I was desperate to be back in the safety of the common room, desperate to be away from the library and away from him.

However my journey was hindered by the crowds who seemed to be making it their mission to get in my way. I lost count of the number of people that I bumped into, which could have been because I was in such a hurry, but could also have been because my head was somewhat pre- occupied. As much as I tried not to think about the events of the last few hours, I found that my head wouldn't let me think of anything else. When I eventually reached the safety of the common room, the door swung open to reveal a party in full swing. The common room was full of people laughing and cheering. Someone had put posters and banners up around the walls and there was even gold and red confetti sprinkling from the ceiling.

I looked around for Harry and the others, which didn't take me too long, as they were the ones who were surrounded by the largest crowd. I pushed my way through, getting out my pointy elbows to nudge a few people out of the way, before eventually reaching the three people that I was searching for.

'Hermione,' Harry called over a few heads, when he eventually saw me, making his way through the last few people.

'Hey, I guess I should be congratulating you. I take it from all the banners that you won,' I said moving in for a hug, although regretting it immediately when I saw that he hadn't changed out of his Quidditch robes and they were filthy.

'Yep, we did. It was a good game,' Harry replied, whilst I gave a quick congratulations to Ron and Ginny.

'So what was the score?' I asked, trying to at least pretend that I was knowledgeable about the game, although as soon as the question was out of my lips, I couldn't help but feel that I had asked precisely the wrong question. Harry and Ginny immediately shot Ron a quick look, before looking at each other, with concerned expressions.

'Oh, I'm not sure what it finally ended as' Harry replied awkwardly, once again shooting Ron a quick look.

I was feeling completely bewildered by the weird expressions and little glances, but before I could comment further, Ron stormed away stating that he needed a drink.

'What's his problem?' I asked totally confused.

'The score was actually 190- 130. Harry was just trying to spare Ron's feelings,' Ginny explained, although I was still didn't understand her meaning.

'Well that's not too bad, is it? I mean you still won, although… oh.' I said, the penny finally dropping. Although Gryffindor had won, they had only managed to score four goals, whereas Hufflepuff had scored thirteen. That meant that if Harry hadn't caught the snitch, we would have probably lost. That meant that Ron, had let in thirteen goals. No wonder he didn't look happy. In fact now that I looked more closely, that was a bit of an understatement. He had a face like thunder. He was standing slightly apart from everyone else and was glaring at them with hard eyes, as if he hated them for daring to have such a good time.

'Ron let in thirteen goals,' I said as Harry and Ginny both winced. 'What happened? I thought he'd been fine in training.'

'I dunno, he just seemed to crumble completely,' Harry shrugged. 'He lost it. If it hadn't been for Ginny, we would have been in real trouble,' he said, looking down at her with pride. 'She was amazing.'

Ginny turned to face him and immediately leaned in to kiss him. Although the quick kiss soon turned heated and I felt decidedly more awkward standing in front of them.

'So, I'm em, just going to…' I trailed off awkwardly, as it became increasingly apparent that neither of them was even aware that I was there never mind listening to what I was saying. I wandered away from the kissing couple, looking around the common room, my eyes falling on Ron once again. He was standing over at the other side of the common room talking with Lavender, although neither of them looked happy. I couldn't hear what they were saying over the loud music, but if the angry faces and the arm waving was anything to go by, they were having an argument. Ron eventually turned and walked out of the common room, grabbing a bottle of firewhiskey off the table on his way. Lavender watched him leave with a dark look on her face, before she turned and stormed off in the opposite direction.

Despite the fact that we had grown apart in the last few months, he was still my friend and he really looked so miserable that I couldn't help but follow him out of the common room. I exited the common room, to find the corridor empty. I had no idea which way he had gone and so took a chance, choosing to go left. It wasn't long before I knew that my gamble had paid off.

I walked up behind Ron, who was sitting at the top of a deserted staircase, a bottle of firewhiskey still in his hand. I sat down beside him, giving a casual 'hey' as I did, but he barely even acknowledged my presence. The only indication that he had heard me was the clenching of his jaw and a very slight, nearly imperceptible nod of the head. I knew immediately that this would probably not go well, but it was too late to back out now. Ron had always had a temper and it was always ignited further when he had been humiliated. If there was anything Ron hated more than anything in the world it was people laughing at him.

'So…' I began, unsure of what to say next. 'How are things?' I ended lamely.

Ron was silent for a moment, before he lifted the bottle in his hand to his lips and downed over half the contents of the bottle in one large swig. He sighed dramatically as he swallowed. Brilliant! Not only an angry Ron, but an increasingly drunk Ron. I had really walked head first into that one.

'Well, Hermione, let me see. I have just made a complete and utter arse of myself in front of the entire school, had a huge fight with Lavender, my sister is all loved up with my best friend, my brothers dead and I am pretty much failing every class that I have this year, so I would say that things are just peachy,' he said sarcastically, sulking even more.

'Oh come on Ron, things can't be that bad,' I said taking his hand, trying to comfort in the only small way that I could. 'You want to talk about it? I mean school can't be that bad,' I said, choosing the easiest topic, not quite wanting to go into the Quidditch match or Fred issue.

'Don't want to talk about it,' he muttered and we both fell into silence again. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly, before I forced myself to ask-

'Well, what about you and Lavender? What happened?' I asked really not wanting to know the answer, but trying to be a good friend.

It only took a few moments of silence for Ron to start speaking. 'Apparently I embarrassed her today with my, now what did she say 'idiotic and brainless Quidditch playing'. Apparently, a blind monkey with one arm would have been better than me today. See I'm good enough for her when I'm Harry's friend and part of the bloody 'golden trio' but when I screw up a Quidditch match, she doesn't want to know,' Ron said, trying to keep his tone light, but failing towards the end when the hurt crept into his voice.

What did he want me to say? That yes Lavender was shallow and always had been and he was a complete idiot for going out with her again when he knew what she was like or basically lie to him and tell him how wonderful she is? Hmm, what a dilemma.

'Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it Ron,' I said unable to quite believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

'Yes, she did Hermione. I could tell she meant every word,' Ron replied in a hurt tone. He raised the bottle of firewhiskey and took another gulp before he passed me the bottle. Warily I took it, but just held it in my hands. I wasn't quite over the vomiting and passing out incident to dive back into drinking. 'What do I do Hermione? Tell me what to do?'

'I can't tell you what to do Ron? Just do what makes you happy? If Lavender is what makes you happy then you need to-'

I was abruptly cut off by Ron's lips descending onto mine. I froze in shock as the smell and taste of firewhiskey assaulted my senses and I was immediate reminded of Cormac.

Putting my hands on his shoulders I pushed him firmly away. 'Ron, no! What are you doing? You have a girlfriend!'

He sighed heavily, picking up the firewhiskey and taking a long swig. 'Ignore me, Hermione. I'm drunk.'

I stiffened as he pulled me into tight hug of apology completely unaware that he had just effectively delivered a punch to my emotions. Another one. Another emotional scar for Ron to leave on me. He pulled the bottle to his lips over my shoulder, completely unaware of the hurt that I was feeling. I was just about to pull away from him and leave before he could say something else to hurt me, when a movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention to the bottom of the staircase. I started slightly when I realised that at the bottom of the staircase, staring at us with a look of surprise and shock was Draco Malfoy. His gaze drifted briefly from me to Ron and then back to me. Something about his gaze made me shift uncomfortably. It looked as if he was angry, almost hurt, but then I was sure that I must have imagined it, for his face quickly returned to his usual blank, stony expression and he walked quickly on.

I pulled out of Ron's arms, as I watched him go, my eyes still lingering on the place where he just disappeared out of sight, trying not to think about what his piercing look had meant.

'Nice to see some things never change,' Ron said beside me, pulling my gaze back to him.

'Meaning what?'

'Malfoy.'

'What about him?' I asked, unable to stop myself.

'Well apart from being a git, he's still strutting about the castle like he owns it, looking down at everyone else like they're beneath him. I mean did you see the look he gave us; like we we're total scum. Maybe someone should tell him that his side actually lost in the war. Fucking arsehole!' Ron practically yelled, before downing the rest of the firewhiskey and throwing the glass bottle down the stairs where it smashed, sending shards of glass scattering in all directions.

I couldn't help but look back for one last glance at where Draco was standing. The Draco I had seen earlier that afternoon hadn't looked down his nose at me. He had been kind and understanding. So what had changed? Before I even had the time to wonder why, Ron stood up rather abruptly beside me.

'Right, let's get back to this party then,' Ron said swaying slightly and reaching his hand out to me to help me up, which was a bit ironic considering he was the one who was struggling to stand upright. I reluctantly let him pull me to my feet, hoping that he didn't topple and take me with him.

'Apparently we've got some celebrating to do,' Ron said, throwing his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side and leading me back towards the common room with a new found enthusiasm. I couldn't help but laugh as he started dancing his way back into the common room, twirling me under arm as we re-joined the party. I caught Harry's eye as we entered back through the portrait hole and he gave me a thumbs up, mouthing 'thank you'. I gave him a quick nod back and as I made my through the crowds, I pushed Ron's words about Malfoy out of my head, put a smile on my face and got ready to enjoy the party.

A/N- thanks again for the reviews, favourites and follows from the last chapter. Your support has been amazing. Yeah Draco's an idiot but he did stop himself from calling her a mudblood which is progress. We've all been there when we say the one thing that we know will hurt someone the most and it's out before we can take it back. Habits of a lifetime can be hard to break but he is trying. Hopefully this chapter redeems him a little?

I didn't want him to just come back to Hogwarts a completely different person, but because of everything he's seen he's grown up and his views have changed, although he may slip up every now but he is trying and after all nobody is perfect.

So yeah thank you very much for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts. Remember if you're enjoying what you've read remember to favourite or follow.