A/n. Thank you, guys. Your feedback means much to me. :) Hope you like this chapter. Review, pretty please.
Chapter 12
Tell me more
And as at dawn across the level mead
On
wings impetuous some wind will come,
And
with its too harsh kisses break the reed
Which
was its only instrument of song,
So
my too stormy passions work me wrong,
And
for excess of Love my Love is dumb.
--- Oscar Wilde
Only four days left…
Or three, to be completely honest, because this one was nearing its end already.
The evening stole into Lorien unhindered, embracing Aerwain as she walked through the wood reluctantly, a parcel with her wedding dress clutched against her side. She fetched it from the weaver's daughter half-a-day ago. Much to the girl's distress, she refused to try it on, alleging the lack of time and getting off with some polite remarks about the daintiness of the work and her satisfaction with it. One way or another they will all have the chance to evaluate the garment during the ceremony.
In spite of the late hour, she didn't feel any particular wish to return home. Her parents were away on a visit to some of their friends and were not likely to come back until morning. As for Beleg, he had long assumed a habit of disappearing Valar knew where at the first signs of an approaching night. She would have to pass another evening in complete solitude. A bright prospect, nothing to say. Although it would probably do her good – by way of a preparation for a long chain of similar uneventful lonely evenings, that were waiting for her in her married future.
Having climbed up the mallorn - rather clumsily, because of the bulky parcel - for the first time during this whole day she sighed with relief. Someone was home. The sitting chamber was illuminated brightly, the warm light pouring out to gilt the tracery of branches and to draw quaint yellowish spots on the smooth floor of the outer platform. Through one of the windows she caught sight of Beleg, leaning against the wall with his arms folded on a broad chest and his head tilted a little as though he was listening to somebody attentively.
Aerwain was a bit displeased. When she thought about merrier an evening, she didn't mean she would love to toss about, entertaining an unsought visitor, whoever he or she might be.
Absorbed in the talk, Beleg didn't pay any attention to her appearance, and Aerwain grew as bold as to sneak up closer to the window.
If the guest is not to her liking, she'll walk for some more time till Beleg is alone again.
"…I'm giving up. I do not know what to do."
She recognized the deep, slightly overbearing notes easily. Haldir.
A steady voice of a steady person. If only he didn't always speak like he was lashing or secretly deriding someone…
During the last few days he avoided getting in her view with persistence, which was not inferior to her own wish not to catch his eye. When he chanced to call on, she withdrew to her chamber and stayed there until she heard the door close behind him. More often than not it happened quickly, which only confirmed her supposition that the visits were dictated by the sheer propriety. Once or twice she didn't manage to find a decent excuse for an escape, and they both had to live through an awkward exchange of courtesies, during which she did her best not to blush and babble rubbish, her cheeks and mouth almost burning at each memory of their kiss. As a result, she stumbled on every second word, making it look like she'd rather go and find herself a better pastime than a conversation with him. And it wasn't such big a lie, after all.
She couldn't say she didn't wish to see Haldir. But whom she wanted to see was that frostily-passionate ellon, in whose arms she felt she could let off all her cares. Whose touch she relished absent-mindedly, like one relishes the caress of a late summer sun…
Meanwhile whom she met was a perfectly, pronouncedly civil friend-of-a-family, with his manners smooth and his composure adamant.
As if by mutual consent, they avoided racking through the happenings of that day. He showed her the ring. She accepted it – not without gratitude, for it was worth it. End of the story.
What trouble could bring him here now?
Spurred by natural curiosity, Aerwain approached a little more and stood by the window-jamb noiselessly, convincing herself that she wasn't eavesdropping. They could notice her any time. She just didn't hurry to reveal her presence, that's all.
She saw Beleg tear his back off the wall and stretch himself lazily, his eyes half-closed.
"I believe you are telling it all to the wrong person," said he seriously, "I helped you with all I could. Wait for Aerwain."
Aerwain frowned in puzzlement. Less than anything she could expect they would be talking about her. Perhaps, she really should leave before she heard anything that wasn't destined for her ears.
"She won't wish to speak to me," uttered the same voice bitterly.
No, she must have been mistaken. It couldn't be the March Warden. The Warden that she knew couldn't pronounce such a thing, or if he could, it would be said matter-of-factly. This ellon sounded hurt. Hopeless.
She moved closer gingerly, with the risk of being caught red-handed. A swift look into the room settled her doubts.
Whoever Beleg's guest might be, he had not only the voice of Haldir, but also the Warden's looks.
"You do not know it for sure," objected Beleg with a shrug of his shoulders.
"I do."
"Well, go on knowing it, then," much to her silent irritation, her brother sank into the chair, which faced the window directly. Thankfully, his habit of looking in the face of whoever he spoke to for the time being gave her some hope that she wouldn't be discovered too soon, "Wait, play with her, make her go through it all alone."
"What else can I do? Declare to her so that she may finally find out what a filth I am?"
"I've seen those filthier."
"She hasn't."
"Oh, you underestimate her. She's been friends with Gwilwileth and Tarlangion," gibed Beleg venomously, "Speaking of whom… What did Tarlangion want from my Aerwain?"
Haldir raised his eyes at last, and she had to hold her breath, staggered by the pure, unmasked hatred and disdain, which filled his stare and his words.
"This whelp asked her to elope with him," he spat out, "I barely… what's so funny, Beleg?"
"I'm wondering why he didn't offer her to slaughter the whole our family, too. Just because he started off so nicely," Beleg gave a small chuckle.
The Warden pressed his lips, knots of muscles swelling under his cheek-bones.
"I'd banish him out of Lorien for that," said he slowly and dangerously.
"I bet you would. What else did he say to her?"
A shadow passed along Haldir's face, wiping off the anger. He stooped again, the flame in his eyes reduced to smoulder.
"Truth," admitted he hoarsely, "He said that I wanted her mine and I took advantage of her. Isn't that what I did?"
"I assume you wouldn't have done that if there had been any choice."
"But I would have. I'm not a boy to be abashed and I was fully aware of my actions. I rejoiced, Beleg."
"Well, if you are so repentant, go and tell her everything. Do it today."
"I cannot. She will … understand that she's free to leave me."
Aerwain forgot when her heart had stopped beating. It just fell silent, her chest filling with resonant, aching nothing. Throughout the whole conversation she couldn't make herself bat her eyes-lashes at least once.
What she heard stupefied her. It wasn't astonishment. Astonishment would mean that she comprehended everything, while, taking into account the mishmash that her life had turned into not so long ago, reasoning didn't come easy to her.
Haldir loved her.
At least, that's what she could conclude.
Nonsense.
Or wasn't it?
"She defended me," the edge in his voice smoothed away - it was now as mild as a tool of command and sneer could be.
Did he speak about her, indeed? Was that caressing note meant for her?
"She's loyal," nodded Beleg, looking into the floor.
"I wish she were not."
"Oh, really," mocked her brother in a sudden burst of ill-will, "I don't think you'd be happier if she dragged your name through mud whenever she could. Well-deserved though it be."
Haldir rested his forehead on his clasped hands. He looked downcast and exhausted, almost like that first time she agreed to see him after the day when everything turned upside down.
"I see that she tries to get used to me," the statement was muted, like he was speaking through clenched teeth.
"She got used to you long ago," observed Beleg more placidly. He seemed to regret about his outbreak already.
"Yes," with a mirthless smile the Warden reclined against the back of the settee, "Like to this room or this chair."
"In that case, she would be sitting on you," hemmed her brother, "Or on me, which is more likely. I flicker before her eyes oftener than you."
"You do not encumber her," Haldir shook his head, refusing to catch up the less strained tone, "I do. I envy you..."
"You are jealous. That's called "jealous", Haldir."
"Yes. I am. I wish she were at ease with me."
"Haldir, she's been in awe of you for the last two-thirds of her life. And in childish rapture for the first third of it. She won't feel at ease with you unless you stop stiffening when she's near."
"Do you think I didn't try?"
"Yes, I do. And I'm starting to doubt in you, March Warden," Beleg became stern, "Perhaps, Aerwain was right and you do it all only to protect Gwilwileth. That's the only way I can explain why you keep torturing my sister and yourself. If you really loved her, it would hurt you more than it does now. And you wouldn't be so patient about how she treats you."
"I would have killed myself before I had had a thought of using Aerwain to cover my faults," responded Haldir calmly. Neither indignation, nor offence was there in the statement, like he was prepared for the accusation and admitted that it could be justified.
"I find it hard to believe. Aerwain might be inexperienced, but she's not blind not to see the difference between the two who kiss each other and the one who kisses and the one who resists it."
"I couldn't push Gwilwileth away. I do not fight women, and it was impossible to keep her off me and not to hurt her. I don't know what's come into her head."
"One can only suspect," murmured Beleg with the expression of profound distaste.
"And then there was Aerwain. I hoped she hadn't seen my face," Haldir broke off, bringing his hand against the bridge of his nose to rub it tiredly, "It's useless…At least that was something I could explain. What can I tell her now?"
"I love you, Aerwain," prompted Beleg in undertone, "I was angry when you scorned me. Yes, I failed you, but please… You make me desperate-"
"With the eloquence such as yours I wonder why you are unmarried, Beleg," the Warden interrupted him tonelessly.
"There's still time."
"Good luck," muttered Haldir with no particular enthusiasm.
With every word said her uncertainty was turning into assurance. It was silly to question her hearing any longer, as well as to pinch herself, expecting to wake up.
…I prefer to be just Haldir…
…I valued your friendship…
…I'm not repulsive by touch, am I?..
She took no heed of pretty much anything he said, accepting it all either for demonstration of politeness or for the diligent adherence to the role, enforced on him. But how could she possibly believe there was more than that?
…Is it so unbearable to think of me as of your husband?..
Aerwain couldn't help smiling, both touched and confused by the memory. One had to be extremely dim-witted not to see through the question. It could be asked only by someone, who hoped to receive a negative reply.
If he repeated it now, perhaps, she would find some other words for the answer. Or would settle with something more than words.
On the other hand…
What if she hadn't ended loving him?
Whether his motives were defensible or not, he had used her. He didn't save her out of disgrace. And even if he did…it wasn't the only way out, whatever he and Beleg might say. It was sheer luck that now she didn't mind it as much as she had before.
Of course, had he confessed of that, when asking for her hand, she would have turned him down most definitely. But it didn't mean he had a right to go on fooling her like this.
As if answering her thoughts, the Warden made himself heard again.
"Once she already told me she didn't love me. I accepted that as well as I accepted her telling me that she wouldn't bear to be my wife. But I won't force myself to hear that again."
"Then you will probably hear much more, my friend."
Haldir didn't deign to answer the gloomy prediction, and for some time the room plunged in silence.
Beleg's looked around aimlessly, his attention travelling from one corner to another. First he studied the tapestries on the wall, then lent a passing glance to the window... Aerwain almost believed him to be so deep in thoughts that it prevented him from seeing her, when he gave a slight start and his eyes gained back their sharp glint. He did notice her. An elusive smile of satisfaction for a moment raised the corners of his lips. Leisurely he stood up and made his way across the room to approach the window and lean against the sill so that Aerwain could touch him easily if she wasn't so afraid to move.
Beleg's smile broadened. He winked at her quickly.
"What is it?" the Warden grew suddenly alert, "What's there?"
Aerwain shrank back involuntary.
"Aerwain's crept up to listen to us," responded Beleg without a stir of a brow.
The answer was followed by the sound of Haldir's springing up to his feet so hastily that the settee tumbled back, the opportune rattle drowning whatever words the Warden chose as fitting the moment.
Aerwain was ready to dart down the mallorn to avoid the shameful exposure. Yet, the intention wore off the same instant, effaced by Beleg's crispy laughter.
"You are getting too old, Haldir," inferred he, having laughed his fill, "Where's your sense of humour?"
"I should downgrade you for that," growled Haldir. The settee scratched against the floor, as he picked it up and settled back on it.
Undisturbed with the threat to his career, her brother just chuckled. Aerwain smiled at him, receiving another mischievous wink in return.
It was not often that she could regard Beleg without sisterly prejudice. She was proud of him, but this pride still couldn't make her look at her brother with much seriousness. His indulgent attitude towards her was to blame for her not being able to evaluate his real self soberly. Yet now the depth of astuteness and sense, concealed under this seeming spontaneity, became clear to her to the extent where she was almost scared of it.
He could have answered "Nothing". But that would definitely have caused Haldir to prick up his ears and check it by himself. And Beleg had realized it before she could even think that they were in trouble.
By the contented spark in his eyes Aerwain concluded he congratulated himself on a witty idea, too. The impression, his little campaign had produced on her, was erased momentarily.
Strutter, thought she with tenderness.
"You don't want your future brother to have such a stain on his reputation, do you?" replied Beleg with a smirk, turning to face the Warden again, "Besides, I can rat on you to Aerwain any moment, so that would be too reckless of you."
"Don't even joke with this."
"Being serious, Haldir… You know you cannot be silent forever. Sooner or later you'll break and ask for her affection. Speak to her while you still can do it without outraging her."
"No," cut off Haldir abruptly. "Not now," added he, voice lower and huskier, "After the wedding."
Beleg uttered a skeptical noise.
"Do you know what my truth-loving sister will say to that?"
"I know."
The suffering, which rang in the response, sent Aerwain into shudder. She was unaccustomed to the signs of his helplessness. It was frustrating to realize that she was the reason of his misery. However, she clearly realized one more thing…
She was angry at him now. Yet if she really heard the truth only after the wedding…
She couldn't understand what he hoped for. Probably, no hope was left at all, for he knew her too well for that.
He was driven into the corner, and still said nothing. Why?
"And?" Beleg wanted to know.
"I'll beg for mercy, Beleg, Kneel, if it helps. She is kind. She will forgive me."
"Will she love you?" inquired her brother quietly.
The heavy silence was the only answer.
The Warden closed his eyes. It suddenly struck Aerwain how helpless he looked with his eye-lids down. As if together with allowing himself the luxury of temporary blindness he removed all the shields between him and the others and remained unprotected and open to whatever blow could come.
Yes, she would forgive him. Her vexation against him evaporated, leaving only slight sadness. She had already hurt him without even knowing it.
And still, she couldn't shake it all off her so easily.
"So, if I understood you correctly, you want to leave her no choice."
"I won't have her despise me now that I have no time to repair it."
"Confess today. And see what she chooses. I cannot give you my word, but I'm inclined to think she'll find strength to consider it. After all, Aerwain is not pathetic. Neither does she loathe you and crave for revenge."
"She'll call me a liar. And she won't let me near her again. I won't risk it."
"She didn't do that once, though she could. And don't persuade me it was because she was confused. She had three weeks to change her mind and rebel, and did she try to?"
"I must go," the March Warden stood up swiftly. It was clear that he wasn't going to continue the conversation. She couldn't blame him. Being completely honest, she wanted it to be over, too, for she had already heard all she needed.
"I gave you time, Haldir," the enmity came back into her brother's tone, and this time she wasn't sure whether it was just pretense to disconcert Haldir or he was really aggravated, "If you don't confess, I will. The moment she enters this door."
"I asked for your help not to be betrayed, Beleg."
Beleg bared his teeth in a smile that was more of a wolf's spiteful grin.
"Aerwain is my sister. To choose between you and her is not so much of a betrayal. For now I still believe it will do her good to marry you. But my patience is thinning."
That was high time for her to interfere.
Demonstrating the miracles of dexterity, Aerwain slipped by the window and entered the house resolutely.
"Good evening," sang she in her most melodic voice.
The elves whipped around simultaneously. Beleg's face lit up with a smile, not even allowing to suspect that a minute ago he was quite revved up. Haldir paled – just a bit – but this change didn't pass unnoticed for her.
"Beleg," she dropped the parcel onto the nearest chair and threw her arms round her brother's neck. "Good girl," he managed to mouth into her ear.
"Lord Haldir," uttered she less friendly.
This time, as the Warden was kissing her hand, she knew for sure that his one was on the verge of trembling, although he concealed it well.
"How was your walk?" asked he blankly, avoiding her direct stare.
"Most interesting," replied she in a reserved tone, "Hope you excuse me now. I have some work to do."
"If I may have a moment," Beleg took at her elbow with a clear intention to accompany her to the inner chambers.
"Beleg!"
Haldir made a quick step in her brother's direction and checked himself immediately, forced to control the agitation that, Aerwain guessed, had seized him.
"A mere minute, Haldir," reassured Beleg nonchalantly, ignoring the daggers of glances, the Warden was sending him, "I'll be right down."
Already at the door, she turned her head to give the Warden a passing look. His mouth twitched a little, as though he wanted to say something, but, having changed his mind, he just bowed to her jerkily.
So be it.
"How much did you hear?" whispered Beleg, as they appeared rather far inside the house.
"Enough," responded Aerwain shortly.
"So I thought. What are you going to do?"
"I do not know as yet," confessed she, raising her hands in a gesture of exasperation, "But I will think of something, don't be worried. And I won't make a row, if that's what you fear."
"Good girl," repeated Beleg with a nod, "Now…I must come back before Haldir gets here and tears out my tongue."
"Let him try," murmured Aerwain, yielding to slyness, which had been so uncharacteristic of her only a month ago.
She could swear that Beleg's reciprocal smirk was derisive and that she wasn't the object of this derision.
"Now I'm not so sure whom I should pity," answered he, having squeezed her hand affectionately.
No one, mused Aerwain with a little smile.
For now.
