A.N We did it! *pumps fist in the air* Over the 100 mark and I am totally chuffed! Every review is worth more than gold to me. Every email that comes in… I just don't have the words but I'll try. You guys really do have no idea how much they mean and how happy I am that you are enjoying this story. Writing makes you vulnerable, it's like sharing a little piece of your heart with others to do whatever they like with, it's opening yourself up to the chance of rejection which is always scary, if not downright terrifying. The reviews… Your reviews make that feeling of vulnerability totally worth it, they're like a shield over it so thank you.
Moving on… Lol. You guys get me so emotional… Bwahahaha.
This turned into a monster of a chapter! I was going to cover their little trip in this chapter too but it had a mind of its own so that will have to wait until next chapter. There's a part coming up that I already have written and I'm trying to get the story there as fast as possible but the story won't be rushed… And to be honest, I don't really want to rush it but I'm so excited by what's coming that it's tough. I'm having to be very patient and while patience is usually one of my virtues, it's not so much when it coming to writing. I have to know what happens next! And so do you, damn it! ;-)
And on to the chapter. Enjoy!
Charlie.
Chapter 12
The two women arrived in the foyer in the swirl of light purple magic and Regina immediately snatched her hand away before the glow had even dissipated. Her hand was still covered in white magic and she stared at it while it lingered on her skin, finally melting away. "Just what the hell was that?"
Emma wandered away, ignoring her and made her way into the kitchen. So much was happening and while she'd, so far, managed to downplay most of it in her head, she was feeling more than a little overwhelmed right now. She didn't have the answers, all she had were guesses, wild speculation and a whole boat load of feelings tied up in the brunette. She needed a moment to process but she didn't think she was going to get that moment as Regina stalked after her.
"I asked you a question, Ms. Swan."
Emma could feel brown eyes burning a hole in her back as she walked over to the fridge and opened it up, frowning at the contents. "Do you have anything in here other than healthy crap? I need a dose of sugar or something."
Regina felt her temper start to rise as the blonde blatantly ignored her question, "Answer me!"
Emma turned to look at her, arm hooked over the fridge door and an eyebrow raised at the anger lacing those two words, which finally nudged her own into gear. "That? How the hell should I know? I'm not a magic know-it-all, hell I'm not even a magic know-anything!" She gave a derisive laugh, "I can't get my magic to work when I want it to so what makes you think I know anything?"
Emma raised a hand to rub over her face, "I'm tired, I'm hungry and all I want is five minutes to catch a breather. I know this isn't easy on you but it's not a fucking party for me either so just cut me some slack." She blew out a frustrated breath. "Look, why don't we both have something to eat because you look like you haven't eaten in days and that definitely can't be helping with all this stuff. I just…" She signed tiredly, "Can I just get five minutes and some food then we can talk this thing to death if you like?"
Regina felt the anger still bubbling under her skin. A part of her knew it wasn't fair to take it out on Emma, the blonde was simply trying to help her but that didn't make her feel any better. She didn't want the other woman involved, it always kept coming back to that and to discover that somehow they were linked, that she had drawn Emma into her troubles did not sit well with her. "What you fail to account for, in your desire for food, is the state of the kitchen."
Emma shut the fridge and walked over to stand in front of the brunette. "So fix it."
Regina's lips thinned as she restrained herself from snapping at the other woman, though why she bothered, she didn't know.
Emma held out her hand, "Look, you won't know if you don't try. The teleporting worked, so we can assume that fixing the kitchen is possible, at least." Her stomach growled and she grinned sheepishly, letting her earlier anger ebb away. "Plus I really do need something to eat and I don't want to leave you here alone just to get some decent food."
Regina hated that it was becoming undeniable that she needed the blonde's presence around her, if only so that everyone else was safe from her unstable magic. Still, she couldn't let Emma know that she had begrudgingly accepted her presence as a necessity. It wouldn't do for the blonde to know just how much she wanted her around either. "I have plenty of, more than decent, food in the house but if that doesn't suit your unrefined palate then feel free to slouch down to Granny's and eat your fill. I will be perfectly fine here on my own for the short amount of time that will take."
"And forgo the joy of your sterling companionship? I could never do that. Stop trying to get rid of me and just fix the kitchen. I know you're stalling." Emma tried her winning smile, the one that usually got men to do what she wanted. She hoped it would work on the woman in front of her too.
Regina tried to ignore the feeling Emma's smile created in her belly, heat quickly pooling. "You're insufferable. How you can continue to pollute your body with that rubbish and maintain your figure is beyond me and I am not stalling. I merely question your eating habits if nothing you find here is appetizing."
Emma's smile twisted into a smirk, pleasure filling her at the thought that the brunette had taken note of her body. As for appetizing, she knew exactly what she found appetizing in this house but she didn't think Regina would be pleased if she tried to take a bite out of her. "I'm starting to feel stupid with my hand stuck out like this so do your magic thing and fix the kitchen, Regina."
Finally Regina took hold of the proffered hand, the rightness of having that warm palm in her own unsettling her. She pushed the feeling away and summoned her magic, willing it to do her bidding. What was supposed to be a small cloud of magic quickly grew out of control, not only filling the kitchen but spreading out of the room and, she assumed, into the rest of the house. Fear filled her, as she tried to draw some of the magic back into her.
"Regina?" Emma's voice was filled with concern.
She snapped in her anxiety, "I don't know. I didn't mean to use this much magic. I knew this wasn't a good idea." She felt Emma move closer to her and then she felt the blonde wrap her other arm around her, drawing her up against her body. She felt the anxiety drain from her as she relaxed into the hold, the magic beginning to dissipate around them, its work done. This reaction she kept having to the close proximity of the blonde had to stop. She could not allow herself to come to rely on it because sooner or later it would be taken from her and then what would she do? She couldn't allow herself to need anyone else, not even a blonde Savior who, more often than not, drove her insane.
When the magic had completely cleared she glanced around the room and noted that everything had been repaired. At least what she had been trying to achieve had been the end result even if it had been a little more forceful than she had anticipated.
Emma reveled in having the other woman in her arms again, even as she stepped back, releasing her. "I guess together we make things go boom too." She grinned cheekily at the other woman. "Doesn't look like any harm was done and hey, fixed kitchen and no exploding anything. I'd say this is definite progress."
Regina missed the contact as soon as it was gone and hated herself for it. Why couldn't she control her response to the blonde? The pleased look on Emma's face just made her want to close the distance and kiss her. She would not, could not let herself get involved with Emma." Any more involved than I already am. Loving her is a complication I just don't… She closed her eyes as pain lanced her heart and her mind finally caught up to what her heart had been trying to tell her. Damn the woman. I'm not meant to love her. How did I let this happen? She can never know. She opened her eyes and glared at the source of her disquiet. "Really, Ms. Swan. Why don't you state the obvious?"
Emma shrugged, unaware of the struggle within the brunette. "Well, I was only guessing that it would work. Nice to know I'm right for a change."
The blonde easy dismissal of the danger they had been in irked Regina. "I thought you understood whatever this is a little better than you obviously do, which is not at all. For all you know, I could have leveled the house, killing us both." She waved her hands at Emma in annoyance. "I don't know why I ever listened to you. It must have been insanity on my part."
Emma shifted nervously, "Well, maybe but it was only a slim chance, the poofing worked fine. The kitchen is back to normal… Just a little more energetically than planned."
"There was no plan! There was idiocy and I let you drag me into it." Regina stalked over to the fridge and opened the freezer compartment. "I don't know why I trusted you in the first place. Mark my words, it will not happen again." Even as Regina said them, she knew the words to be a lie. She pulled a container of red sauce out and shut the freezer. She turned and dropped it on the bench. "Spaghetti sauce. Pasta is in the cupboard to your right. I'll be in the study once you're ready to actually talk about what is going on. Until then, have the breather you apparently need." She turned and walked out of the room, her stride purposeful. She ignored the muttered words that flitted after her, she had to get some space from the blonde woman and get her emotions back under her tight control.
Time and again Emma dismissed the danger to herself and it made Regina furious. She seemed to have no regard to her own safety and kept putting herself in harm's way. She couldn't control the blonde but she'd be damned if she would continue to let her put herself in danger because of her. She couldn't live with another loved ones blood on her hand and that is what Emma had become, a loved one, much to her annoyance.
As much as she tried to fight it, the feelings were there and trying to run from them had only led to her complete meltdown. Better that she acknowledge them and accept that she couldn't change the way she felt. It seemed her heart had its own plans and she was helpless to fight it right now. What she could control was what she did about those feelings, and she was determined to do nothing.
Emma watched as Regina left her alone. "How the hell am I supposed the know how to cook pasta? I can't even boil an egg." She scowled at the pasta sauce, her stomach growling. She headed to the fridge again and opened it up, staring at the contents. She slammed the door in frustration. Why couldn't Regina have a ready supply of junk food around like normal people? Would it kill her to have some donuts lying around? A chocolate bar? Hell, even some sugar laden cereal would work.
She started opening cupboard doors, hunting through them for anything she could just grab and eat without having to actually attempt to cook. Ugh. Bran cereal… Pass. How does the kid survive here? She spied the bread bin and opened it up, a smile breaking across her face at the loaf inside. Bread she could handle. She grabbed a couple of slices and chucked them down on the bench, then returned to the fridge and grabbed the jelly she had spotted earlier. It looked homemade and she couldn't wait to try it. She grabbed the peanut butter out of a cupboard and grabbed a knife. She spread jelly thickly on one side and the peanut butter just as thick on the other side. Slapping the two slices together, she lifted it to her mouth and took a huge bite.
Emma hummed in pleasure as the sweetness hit her tongue and the sugar started to race through her system, her body briefly moving in, what can only be described as, a happy dance. So good. It's a party in my mouth. I'm so gonna have to steal the jelly. Incredible. God, that woman can cook. The peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth but that was all part of enjoying the experience of the humble PBnJ. She quickly devoured it and made herself another. With sandwich in hand and mood elevated by the food in her system, she headed to find Regina.
As she entered the study, she saw that Regina had settled herself on the couch. Her head rested against the back and her eyes were closed. She took the chance to study the other woman. Regina was still pale, the circles under her eyes all too evident. Her cheek bones stuck out starkly against hollows that had never been there before. They needed to fix this and she was beginning to understand that they needed help, at least in understanding what was happening with the brunettes magic. She sighed as an idea formed in her mind. Regina was going to hate it but she couldn't see any alternative. If neither of them had answers, there was only one other person who might.
"Are you just going to stand there staring at me or are you ready to discuss this?" Regina opened her eyes and met the green ones looking at her from across the room. She had spent the time, not focusing about her magical issues as she should have, instead thinking about her feelings for the blonde woman standing across the room. She couldn't deny their presence any longer, everything pointing towards the fact that her dark heart had chosen to open to Emma's light. She'd been busy trying to build walls around those feelings, to contain them, when she had felt the presence of the other woman. As her eyes took in the vision before her, she noticed the sandwich in the blondes hand and rolled her eyes. "Really? A sandwich, Ms. Swan?" She may love her but that didn't mean she wasn't still exasperated by her.
Emma blushed, "Didn't feel like spaghetti. Nothing wrong with a good old PBnJ. You should try it some time."
"I'd rather not. You are little better than a child."
Emma shrugged, ignoring the barb and crossing the room to sit on the couch. "Your loss."
Regina forced her head up and moved on the couch until she faced the other woman. "I highly doubt that. I don't suppose you've ever heard of a plate either? You are getting crumbs everywhere."
"Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry." Emma cupped her free hand under the sandwich then took a large bite. "Erll ju finsh it fas." She muttered around the mouthful.
Regina rolled her eyes again, "You really do not know the first thing about etiquette, do you? Just finish the sandwich, preferably without getting crumbs all over the couch and floor, and then we'll talk."
"bou tha… Err hink-" Emma cut herself off at Regina's glare. She swallowed, "Sorry. What I was trying to say was I think we need to speak to Gold." She took another bite of the sandwich and chewed, waiting for the explosion.
Regina sneered at the mention of the man's name, "Whatever for?" The brunette held up a finger before Emma could respond, "Finish your mouthful, dear. I really do not appreciate seeing masticated food."
Emma nodded and worked on swallowing the mouthful. When she was done she spoke, "Sure, we can sit here and talk about all the stuff that's going on but it's pretty clear neither of us has any idea what's causing your magical instability or why I seem to be able to help you control it."
Regina did have an idea but she wasn't willing to share it with the blonde right at the moment, the notion so farfetched that it shouldn't even warrant her attention. Ridiculous. She scolded herself as the thought tried to become concrete in her mind. The dream meant nothing. She ruthlessly thrust it away and focused on the blonde.
Unaware of the brunette's distraction, Emma blithely continued on. "We have theories but that's not helping us actually solve the problem. Gold's about the only other person who might have any idea what's going on and how to fix it. I know asking him is about the last thing you wanna do but we have to at least consider it." Emma took another bite of the sandwich, jelly smearing in the corner of her mouth.
Regina closed her eyes again, she hated this, hated that Emma was probably right. They could talk about it until they were blue in the face but it wouldn't give them the answers they needed. She opened her eyes, about to respond when the streak of jelly at the corner of the blonde's mouth caught her eye. She wet her lips as the desire to lean over and lick the jelly off flooded through her.
Emma raised a questioning eyebrow, the brunette staring intently at her mouth. She saw desire flash quickly through brown eyes before it was masked and felt her own flare in response. She hadn't imagined that. Regina had looked like she wanted to devour her. For the life of her, she couldn't figure the woman out. One minute she was snapping at her and pushing her away, the next looking at her like she might make a tasty meal. "What?" She reached up a hand and swiped it across her mouth, erasing the mark that had Regina's attention.
With the movement, the spell cast over the brunette was broken and she blinked. She was appalled at her lapse of attention and could only hope Emma hadn't noticed. One look at the blonde's face shattered that hope. Could she not even go five minutes without her feelings and desire for the blonde overwhelming common sense? She tried to remember what they had been talking about. "I, ahh…"
Regina forced her mind to focus, "I'm not pleased about the Imp knowing I am having issues controlling my magic. He's sure to want to know every little detail and I'm uncomfortable with him knowing so much about me. He already has more than enough understanding about that particular subject." She saw Emma about to speak and hurried on, "But I do, however, understand why you think we should and I cannot argue with that logic as much as I would like to. I would prefer to keep as much of the…" She paused, even the brief thought of the memories bothering her. Her arms folded across her defensively as a result, "Of the personal details of what you have been witness to between you and myself. It is bad enough that you have been an observer to those past incidents, I will not discuss them with that man."
"I get that. I do." Emma tried to reassure the brunette, her free hand reaching out to comfort Regina but stopping short. She wasn't sure of the reception it might receive and didn't want the brunette getting annoyed with her again and deciding they didn't need Gold's help after all. It would be a typical Regina move to do just that, to hinder herself just to frustrate Emma. Instead she nervously changed direction and dragged it through her hair. "We'll only tell him the basics. What happened in those memories… That never should have happened to you but it did and I'm sorry you suffered like that. I get that it's your personal history and not some fairy tale to be shared. I'm not gonna go telling anyone, especially him, about what I saw. I promise. Ok?"
Regina nodded, feeling her heart flutter at Emma's words. She had suffered a myriad of horrible experiences at other people's hands but no one had ever said it shouldn't have happened, no one had ever said they were sorry it had. Most probably thought she deserved whatever she had got, so to hear the blonde speak those words did curious things to her deep inside. She cleared her throat, uncomfortable with the emotions that were continuing to bleed inside her. "The sooner we get this resolved, the sooner things can go back to normal and you can leave me in peace."
Emma tried to hide the flicker of hurt the last few words had caused but Regina saw them and regretted the pain she had caused. Would she ever be able to do anything right where the blonde was concerned? "I mean, surely you want to get back to your own life instead of having to worry about me passing out or destroying something. I've made your life hell for long enough, surely you deserve a break from that?" She tried a ghost of a smile, trying to apologise without actually saying the words.
Emma smiled, sadness colouring it, "Yep, that's me. Big new life I have to hurry back to. Full of…" She trailed off as loneliness struck her. Despite having her family, the one she had always wanted in her life, she couldn't help but feel lonely, like something was missing. She hadn't noticed before but whenever she was around Regina, that innate loneliness that had always been a constant force within her disappeared. She shrugged, "I wouldn't know what to do with a break anyway. Worrying about you isn't so bad."
What she wanted to say was that she wanted to worry about her, wanted the right to feel that way. She wanted to be the one that was allowed to worry about her, to care about her… She wanted to be the one to show Regina she was worthy of being loved. She wanted to be the one Regina turned to when she needed comfort instead of her having to force it on the brunette. She wanted Regina to be a part of this new life she was building, a bigger part than simply the other mother of her son but she didn't think the other woman was ready to hear that, if she would ever be ready to hear that and the idea that Regina might never look at her that way, might never feel the same way sucked. It more than sucked, it hurt to want so much for the other woman and to be unwanted in return.
Unfortunately Emma was used to being unwanted, had been all her life, so the fact that, other than the kiss and that brief flash of desire, the brunette seemed to want nothing to do with her didn't surprise her. She racked it up to just another disappointment in her life that she would have to learn to live with. What she wanted just didn't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things.
She stood up, the last bite of her sandwich held in her hand. She wasn't hungry anymore and the thought of trying to force down the last morsel made her feel sick. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. You should get changed then we can go see Gold, solve this problem and I'll get out of your hair." She hurried out of the study to seek a brief sanctuary in the powder room, tears swimming in her eyes.
Regina watched as Emma left, all too aware that she had hurt the blonde. It would be for the best if she could just maintain this distance she had inadvertently created. The problem was she didn't want to be rid of the blonde at all, she didn't want this distance between them. She wanted to steal Emma's true destiny, her chance at true love and twist it to make herself that destiny but that would be completely selfish and she was trying so hard to be better than that. For once in her life she was trying to put the other woman's needs above her own desires but Emma's unwavering kindness and comfort during this dark time in her life was addictive. It was something she had never experienced before and she was beginning to struggle not to simply give in to her selfishness and claim the blonde as her own, no matter the consequences for either of them.
It was the thought of those consequences that stopped her. She had earned her unhappiness, many times over, but it wouldn't be right, wouldn't be good, to inflict the same unhappiness on someone so undeserving.
Regina simply could not even begin to fathom that she might be the cause of someone else's happiness. She didn't create light, like the blonde did, she only shed darkness. Didn't bring happiness into people's lives, only heartache and pain. How could she possibly make Emma happy like she deserved?
Emma had already suffered so much in her life because of her. Regina was the one who had cast the curse that ruined Emma's life. She was the one who had been ultimately responsible for how Emma had grown up, abandoned and alone. After everything Regina had put the blonde through, the pain she had brought about because of her own bitterness and anger, she now wished for nothing more than Emma's happiness. Even as she wished it, she knew she couldn't be a part of that, would never be the cause of it. She would only spoil it and she couldn't let that happen. She would never be able to forgive herself if she cost Emma her happily ever after.
What it boiled down to was the fact that she wasn't and could never be Emma's true love no matter how much her heart tried to tell her otherwise, no matter what her dreams tried to hint at and that was what Emma truly deserved. Villains didn't get to know true love's touch and that's what she would always be. Only heroes got happy endings and while Emma was the truest hero she had ever known, the brunette knew she, herself, would never deserve that title, no matter what her son had called her just days ago.
A.N I know I didn't resolve the cliffy… That's coming but it's not quite ready to be revealed. Bad author… Bad bad author…
On a side note… Anyone live in Melb and feel like coming and watching OUAT from the beginning with me? I feel the need to go back to the beginning and watch it all unroll again and it's always more fun to watch it with someone else.
Jks but it really is more fun to watch with a friend. I have to confess I haven't watched from about ep 5 of season 4. I have all the episodes waiting to be watched but haven't been able to bring myself to watch them. I'm blaming it on the lack of Swanqueen goodness. It would make such a brilliant piece of canon, so much more satisfying than the actual canon going on. SWANQUEEN SWANQUEEN SWANQUEEN! Ok… time to shut up… I get it. I talk way too much which is kinda funny because in RL I'm pretty quiet. I'll blame it on an overload of caffeine. Charlie out!
