Nope don't own these characters
TOW the not-so-secret secret
Scene: coffee house, everyone there & Joey enters
Joey: oh finally Chandler I found you!
Chandler: hey I know we're in love but I told you to never come near me with I'm with the missus, she doesn't know about us yet
Joey: (sad) oh hey Mon don't you have somewhere you have to be? Anywhere away from Chandler, I'm just sick and tired of you hogging him, he's my man too!
Rachel: Joey did you hit your head or something?
Joey: no I'm just sick of her! So sick that I may or may not have done something stupid to her precious car!
Monica: what happened to my porche!
Joey: well your just going to have to find out (she runs out) finally she left (everyone is staring at him) its ok the porche is fine, that was just a desertion
Ross: you mean a diversion?
Joey: yea a desertion! God you Gellars!
OPENING CREDITS
Scene: coffee house, everyone's there
Chandler: so Joe you have me to myself, have your way with me!
Joey: has Monica talked to you about anything important recently?
Chandler: well that depends we have different meanings on what things in life are important, like for me its jokes followed by her and I guess you guys and for her it's obviously me
Ross: are you before or after cleaning
Chandler: I'd guess after
Joey: right well I have some amazing news . . . we finally did it man, we're pregnant!
Chandler: that's funny I don't remember sleeping with you?
Joey: no us, you, me and Monica
Rachel: Monica's pregnant!
Chandler: how do you know and I don't . . . is the baby yours!
Joey: no last night I managed to finish off all the lasagne Monica made for me
Phoebe: wasn't that supposed to last a couple of days
Joey: she misunderestimated my hunger!
Chandler: Ross ignore the grammatical error he just made and let him continue!
Joey: so today I had to spend a long time in your bathroom and in my hurry to get to the toilet I knocked over the bin and I found a pregnancy test in there and it was positive!
Phoebe: oh I've been here before, how do we know it's Monica's (they all look at Rachel)
Rachel: (points Emma) hey I am not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice! And Besides Joey how would you know what a positive pregnancy test looks like!
Joey: hey I've slept with a lot of women and sometimes there's been some scares and I've seen enough negative tests to know what a positive one looks like
Chandler: well then why did you lie about the car and get Monica to leave?
Joey: what I didn't want her to tell you, I want to be the one
Rachel: she's the mother of the child, she has a right to tell the father
Phoebe: unless it's not Chandler's
Chandler: what!
Phoebe: oh I hope its not Richard's because that moustache on a baby would be UGLY!
Joey: look I may never have kids and I always thought that when you sperminated Monica it would be the three of us . . . like three men and a baby!
Ross: except for the fact that Monica's a woman
Joey: I dunno she's probably more masculine then Chandler
Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone enters & Chandler's there
Rachel: hey daddy have you talked to Monica yet?
Chandler: I tried but she was going on and on about the car and I couldn't get a word in edgeways and now she's gone shopping or something, I just don't get why she didn't tell me
Phoebe: because she wants to tell the father first duh!
Rachel: Phoebe stop you're scaring him, listen sweetie she probably was going to do it tonight when you were alone together or maybe she wanted to confirm it with the doctor because those tests aren't 100% accurate
Chandler: you really think its not because she's having second thoughts about my ability as a father
Phoebe: I'm sure you have enough second thoughts about that for the both of you!
Rachel: I've been in her shoes and you just want to share this news with the father but unfortunately Joey's wrecked the surprise
Joey: hey I practically live here so it's just as much my baby as it is his!
Ross: you know when she does tell you you should probably act surprised and if we see her we'll act completely normal because she can be crazy when it comes to these things (Monica enters)
Everyone: hey its Monica!
Monica: wow it's like a meeting of the Justice League of America
Joey: you read my comic books?
Monica: no Chandler reads them to me and sometimes I can't fake the listening and some information was bound to get through, well I kind of need to talk to Joey alone!
Chandler: I'm going to go pick up some pizza for dinner
Ross: I think I'll help
Rachel: oh me too
Phoebe: I want to see what she has to talk about (Monica glares at her) fine it doesn't matter Joey will tell me later (they all leave)
Monica: hey Joe were you in our bathroom today?
Joey: no!
Monica: so it wasn't you that kicked over the bin and didn't put all the rubbish back in it
Joey: maybe
Monica: and what did we find!
Joey: a stick with your pee on it
Monica: so you know I'm pregnant! (he nods) you didn't tell anyone did you?
Joey: no I didn't, really I'm not lying!
Monica: see I think I know whats going on here, you're mad at me because you're worried the baby is going to affect things between you and Chandler, sweetie that's never going to happen because this baby will need its Uncle Joey
Joey: really?
Monica: course, if its a boy we can't expect Chandler to talk to him about girls and if its a girl we'll need you to scare off boys, can you just please promise me you won't tell Chandler
Joey: um ok
Monica: that doesn't sound very sincere
Joey: alright hold on, take two take two, Monica I will not tell Chandler you are with child
Monica: great because I just can't wait to tell him, to see the look on his face, though I should probably lock the door so he can't leave because honestly I'm not sure how he'll react
Joey: so you really want to tell him?
Monica: can't wait! Phew you are so lucky because I really thought you told him and I was going to kill you and the way my hormones are at the moment I probably would have killed you
Scene: hallway, everyone's there & Joey runs up to Chandler
Joey: there you are! God damnit why'd you have to go so far for pizza, I've been waiting out here for like an age
Rachel: Ross wouldn't let us go to the one nearby because it has a unhygienic reputation
Ross: hey if you want E-coli so much then you can go there!
Joey: right Chandler Monica is going to tell you tonight and you have to act surprised because she said she'd kill me if she found out I told you and that woman follows through on her threats
(Monica comes out)
Monica: what are ye all doing out here?
Joey: NOTHING!
Monica: oh they know!
Ross: no we don't! . . . I mean know what!
Monica: Joey you lied to me!
Joey: fine I wanted to be the one to tell Chandler!
Monica: Chandler you're still here, you haven't run away
Phoebe: give him a minute to process it, then he'll run
Chandler: I'm not running anywhere, I'm so happy for us, we did it! (they kiss) it is mine isn't it?
Monica: of course it is, I just really wanted to be the one to tell you
Joey: well thats what take two's are for . . . ok action, Chandler Monica has something she'd like to tell you
Monica: you did it baby! You fertilized me good!
Everyone: oh my god, what a surprise, we had no idea
Chandler: we're going to be a family! (they hug & Joey hugs them as well)
Joey: yes we are!
ENDING CREDITS
Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey's there
Joey: so did she finally stop vomiting?
Chandler: yea ugh I thought morning sickness was only in the morning, it has such a misleading name, and you, daddy number two, were no help at all!
Joey: hey I'm going to be here to hold the baby but you have to handle holding Monica's hair while she gets sick, delivery room stuff, oh the costs because babies aren't cheap, the disciplining, the
Chandler: what the hell have I gotten myself into!
Joey: oh and Monica put me in charge of keeping you calm throughout the pregnancy, so you can try to run but I've locked that door and hidden the key
Chandler: (goes over & opens the door) I think you missed something
Joey: oh I must have forgotten because I'm still thinking about that pizza I just ate
Chandler: glad to have you on board man!
