A/N: My dudes, it's been a ride. I can't believe I finished another fic. Wow. Well, technically, there's an epilogue left, but I don't expect that to be long. Truly, this would not have happened without all the people who bookmarked, faved, and reviewed this story. Thank you so much! Thank you for helping me hold down the Hamliza fort as well. You are all gems.

I truly hope you enjoy the penultimate chapters of was it always there (but you never listened). Also, the title of this fic comes from the song How To Return Home, which I highly recommend listening to, it's lovely. It became a very appropriate title, particularly with this chapter!

Home, I'm coming home I'm coming home
'Cause this life that I've been living ain't my own
Home, I'm coming home I'm coming home
'Cause I'm tired being out here on my own

Present Day

Eliza heard someone say once that there was one moment in a person's life that they remembered, with perfect clarity, forever. Just one moment that played over and over. For long after the event was resolved, that moment stuck in their heads.

And if Eliza ever had one of those, it would be this moment.

(~~~~)

Alex ignores the coffee coating the floor, his face ashen.

He's heard everything, she knows.

Her heart beats a frantic tattoo in her chest but her feet seem rooted to the ground. The baby kicks frantically as well. Eliza wonders if it can feel its father's pain.

He knows.

Logically, she knew she couldn't keep this a secret forever. But he was never supposed to find out like this.

And she has no fucking clue what to do.

Luckily, he doesn't remain idle for long.

(~~~~)

He marches up to her father. She's never been so grateful for the bulletproof glass separating them.

"You're lying," he hisses.

Philip Schuyler doesn't even respond, stunned into silence.

Alex doesn't seem to notice.

"You said she got pregnant on purpose. You lied. It's a lie. Eliza loves me. We made this baby together. You're lying, you're lying!"

His voice rises in pitch, growing ever more desperate, until Eliza lays a soft hand on his arm and he swings around to face her.

She's sure she doesn't need to tell him. She's sure it's written all over her face.

"Tell me it's a lie, Eliza. Tell me he's crazy. Tell me my parents were wrong."

She wants to. Oh god, she wants to. She wants to soothe his worries and take him home and tell him that it's all a trick, that nothing is different, that she isn't the worst kind of human for doing this to him.

But that would be polluting this with more lies.

There are enough lies between them to fill a lifetime.

So she stands there and watches his face fall, watches the anguish fill his eyes as it finally dawns on him.

"It was…it was a lie?"

"Alex…" she reaches out and lays a hand on his arm. He wrenches back as if he's been burned. His eyes flit to hers, wide and desperate.

Alex has tears, actual tears, spilling down his cheeks.

He's her husband. His pain is her pain. His pain is caused by her, all of it.

"I trusted you," he whispers, and her heart shatters into a million pieces. "You told me…you told me this was real."

"It is, Alex, just listen…"

"It was about the money? My parents were right?"

Tell him no, a part of her mind screams still. Look at him. Look what you've done to him.

But she can't, won't lie to him.

So she answers with the single cruelest word in the English language.

"Yes."

And she looks at his face, takes in the expression that will haunt her for years to come.

He's gone before she can say another word.

(~~~~)

He's gone when she gets home.

Well, his things are still there, but he's gone. She knows it when she sees his laptop, his favorite sweater (the one she so often stole), the little box of pictures, they're all gone.

And his ring is on the table.

He's gone.

It's over.

Her father would be thrilled, her mind jeers cruelly. This turned out exactly how he wanted.

And before, it was exactly what she would have wanted too.

But that was a long time ago, and as Eliza has learned, time has a way of changing things.

Now she just wants Alex back.

She wants it to be like it was before.

She wants to have never hurt him.

She wants to never have seen that look in his eyes.

(~~~~)

She doesn't know how to stay here without him.

She has nowhere to go.

(Later, Angelica will tell her that she called in hysterics and Church drove out to get her, picking her up in the same state she would spend the next week in.)

(~~~~)

When she's finally forced back to school, she resumes playgroup, hoping to distract herself.

Laf, Herc and Laurens come, because it's not about her, it's about the kids.

She wishes it were the same. It's not. She plays halfheartedly for a little while before flopping against a tree next to Alex's favorite little girl.

She expects nothing, really. Nobody else is talking to her.

The little girl's eyes fix on her, and Eliza can't even meet the eyes of a child.

They sit there in silence for long moments.

(Just like Alex and the little girl used to.)

Until finally, the girl shifts a bit closer and lays her head in Eliza's lap.

She sucks in a breath at the sudden contact. It's a connection, a real human connection, something she hasn't felt in weeks.

Slowly, her fingers move to the child's hair and pass through the dirty blonde strands, combing gently.

Tears fall on the child's head, but she doesn't react.

(~~~~)

Laurens isn't speaking to her.

Laf and Herc won't let her see him, won't tell her where he is.

And she's pregnant, so she can't even drink her sorrows away, but god, does she want to. Anything to not see that face in her mind, to see that expression when he found out the truth.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a fluttering in her belly, something that nearly makes her smile.

She rubs one hand over her protruding belly.

"I really messed up, kiddo. You should really be angry with me too."

(~~~~)

She goes to a bar anyway. She's gonna screw this kid up, why not start now? Plus, one drink couldn't hurt. She remembers Alex saying, what felt like years ago, that he'd read a drink every now and then was fine.

She sits for seven minutes before the bartender, before deep in conversation, finally makes his way to her.

She's put on a loose dress with a coat, ensuring one could see her belly. She leans forward, orders a cocktail, and is shocked when the bartender refuses.

"Sorry, hon. Don't serve to pregnant girls."

(Can everyone tell now?)

So she drowns her sorrows in Coca Cola, but predictably, all that does is make her have to pee, and it does nothing for getting Alex's face out of her mind.

That moment just plays in her head over and over, and Eliza gets sadder and sadder, until she's (completely soberly) weeping on a bar stool, pouring out her woes to the girl in the short dress next to her, who looks like she doesn't know how or when she got trapped into this conversation.

It's god knows how long before the bartender announces someone called a cab for her and she takes it without fighting to her empty house at 10pm, completely alone.

And in that bed, her mind drifts.

She should be grateful it chooses to focus on good memories, but somehow it makes it more painful.

Her mind mulls over the last few months. For minutes, maybe. Maybe it's hours, she can't be sure.

But however long it is, it reaches one conclusion.

(~~~~)

She has to find him.

She has to make this okay.

They were going to be a family. She owes it to him, she owes it to her child.

And they were happy, if only for a brief few months, they were happy. The tiny part of Eliza that still possess some naiveté thinks maybe they could be again.

Maybe she was meant to be different from her father after all.

(~~~~)

He's gone.

Laf and Herc look like they're telling the truth, but she makes them show her their apartment as confirmation that Alex isn't there.

He's gone, and nobody knows where he is.

But Eliza knows Alex. They are too similar in a lot of ways, so she knows if she was trying to escape, she'd go to the last place anyone would look for her.

(~~~~)

The woods are quiet as she ambles along, hoping she remembers enough to find her way back.

Her heart thuds when she sees his hunched figure by the river. His head rests on his arms, his shoulders slumped.

He looks defeated.

She did that.

She'll fix this. She has to.

The baby gives a hard kick, as if announcing its opinion.

She smooths a hand over her belly.

"I know, kiddo," she whispers. "Let's go talk to your daddy."

(~~~~)

She knows he senses her there by the way his posture tenses. He doesn't look up, but he knows she's there.

"How did you know to find me here?"

She shrugs. "I guess I knew that some part of you never really left here, Alex."

He says nothing, so she counts it as clear to move next to him and take a seat.

"Alex – "

"I don't want you here."

She nods. "I know."

"I don't want to see you."

"I know that, too."

He pauses. "So why are you here?"

She shrugs helplessly. "Because…I needed to see you, even if you didn't want to see me."

He scoffs. "Don't go pretending you care now, Schuyler."

She seizes his hand. He allows her to for less than ten seconds before he yanks away.

"I do care, Alex. I know how it must look, but I do care."

He looks at her incredulously.

"People who care don't do what you did. They don't lie. They don't manipulate people for money."

"But it wasn't even about the money – "

"Yes it was! From the beginning, it was all about the money. I was just an idiot to think there was every anything more."

Eliza feels tears fill her eyes. "It was more, Alex. I swear. It was everything. And I know, I screwed up, but maybe…"

She lets the implication settle while her hand skims over his hand, not holding, just suggesting.

He's silent, and maybe that's a good thing, she thinks.

"Was it worth it, to you? All the shit we had to go through, and where we are now? Was it worth it?"

She nods vigorously. "Yes, Alex. It was worth every second."

He pauses, seems to gather his strength.

"It wasn't worth it to me, Eliza. All of that…all of this, us together, it wasn't worth it for me."

The words hurt more than anything anyone has ever said to her, and tears spill down her cheeks as her heart starts and shatters in her chest.

The tears blur her vision, so she doesn't see him getting up.

(~~~~)

She swears she didn't see it.

(he never did either)

She would have warned him, she would have jumped on top of him.

If she'd known, she would have done something.

But the branch swings around, and he never sees it coming, and he's in the water before she can blink.

She screams.

(he screamed).

(he can't hear her).

She calls for help.

(too late for one).

(this isn't happening).

(this can't be happening).

People cut through the forest like actual angels.

One of them picks him up out of the water.

He's not breathing.

Someone is screaming.

(she'll later learn it was her).

'(~~~~)

Five Days Ago

Another day, another bar, another bartender refusing to serve her.

Eliza is not sure how they all seem to sense her pregnancy. She's not that far along yet, and her belly is easily covered with loose clothing.

But without fail, every bartender ambles distractedly up to her after long minutes in conversation with someone else, and refuses to serve her.

It's getting quite annoying. She knows that she can't (read: shouldn't be) drinking, but on principle, getting turned down irks at her.

So today, in this bar where she is clearly not getting a drink, she slides off the stool and ambles around to the other side of the bar.

She probably would never have noticed him, but for the flash of dark curls that tries to get away as soon as their owner spots her.

"Jefferson?" she says.

The man in question wears an incredibly guilty expression, so different from his normal haughty one.

"Eliza, my dear."

"What are you doing here?"

"I had heard rumors that these bar things carried alcohol. Had to figure out if it was all conjecture."

She scoffs.

"Pleasant as always."

He smirks, a bit of the old cocky Jefferson shining through.

"Only for you, gorgeous."

"Oh, gross. Piss off, Jefferson. Some of us are trying to drown our sorrows."

"Thought they didn't allow pregnant girls to do that."

"They don't. I'm a rule breaker. Or I would be, if they would serve me."

Jefferson shakes his head. "Take it from experience, Eliza. Drinking people away doesn't work. All it gets you is a headache and a still-broken heart."

"That's awfully profound of you."

His cheeks flush. "You shouldn't be here, Eliza. You should be trying to find him."

She doesn't even question how he knows.

"He's gone."

"Then go after him."

She shakes her head. "I can't. You don't know what I did."

He's silent for a moment. "He's shared things with you he's never told anyone, Eliza. He lit up around you. Don't be an idiot and throw that away."

And then he's walking away, and it only occurs to her then. She reaches out and seizes his arm in the nick of time.

"Jefferson," she hisses. "You knew. You knew about James."

He gives a wry chuckle. "Like I said, Eliza, we grew up together. I was at the funeral."

The pieces are slowly coming together in her mind, and she's never seen Jefferson look so embarrassed.

"You've been enemies for years. You've given dozens of interviews slandering Alex."

"I'm an asshole, Eliza. Please tell me you knew that."

It's a joking tone. Deflecting, The way Alex does.

"Madison doesn't know, does he?"

Jefferson shakes his head, cheeks flaming.

"All those years…"

"Don't."

"All those years of being his enemy, Thomas, and you never…."

Jefferson looks he'd rather be anywhere else.

"You never told anyone. You could have blasted him into the media spotlight. You knew exactly where to hit. You knew his biggest secret, and yet…you never said anything."

A shake of the head is all the answer she gets.

"Why?"

He pauses for a long time. "It's not my tragedy to tell, Eliza."

"And those bars…. someone made sure I didn't drink and got me home. That was you, wasn't it?"

He ducks his head, cheeks flaming. "Just thought you might need some help."

She stares at him. "Why? You hate Alex."

"No, I don't." It's more of an admission than she's ever seen him make. "I grew up with him. Some part of me, I guess, is used to being his friend. And he was…different with you. You were different. I just didn't want to see you throw that away."

Present Day

She finds the steady beeps comforting. They're a sign, she guesses. A sign that his heart is still beating. He's still with her.

He wakes after a few hours.

She cries.

She shoos everyone out of the room before they have a chance to protest, then shuts the door.

Alex struggles, trying to get away.

She plucks at the IV with one hand.

"It's too late, you're trapped."

He glares at her, but she forces herself not to notice.

"And, you know, there's a kind of advantage to you being here, because it means you're forced to listen to me. Took the liberty of holding this hostage."

Eliza unfurls her palm to reveal the nurse call button. Alex's expression darkens.

"I said I didn't want to talk to you. As it turns out, Schuyler, near death experiences don't change that."

The last name hurts. She deserves it, but it hurts.

Slowly, she draws something out of her pocket, keeping it in her closed fist.

Approaching the bed, she winds their fingers together, letting the objects fall in-between their palms.

"I'm asking for five minutes, Alex. Just five minutes, and then I'll disappear forever."

He looks at her incredulously. "No, you won't. However this happened, you're still carrying my baby. I'm not going to run out on my kid, Schuyler."

Her stomach twists. Of course he wouldn't. Of course he'd stand by his kid even if he hated her.

She rubs her thumb over his hand, slightly encouraged when he doesn't pull away.

"Four minutes, twenty-six seconds left."

His voice carries a hard edge.

So she says it. She finally says it, after holding it inside for too long.

She cups his face in her hands, looking directly at him.

"I love you."

She doesn't know how else to say it. Alex doesn't react, so she tries again.

"Alex, I love you. Like, I want to spend the rest of my life editing your stupid letters to President Adams, forcing myself to watch The 100 with you, come home to find my kitchen scorched because you tried to make me dinner, raise children with you, love you."

He still doesn't react.

"Alex," she breathes, not letting his face go, stroking his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. But I swear, and you have to believe me…. this started as a lie, but it became…something else."

He swallows hard. "It hurt, Eliza. Do you know how long it's been since I trusted someone like I trusted you?"

The knife in her heart twists a little deeper.

"I know. I know, you trusted me and I betrayed that. I kept things from you. But that doesn't mean…. just because it started one way, it doesn't mean it has to end like that."

She releases his face and unfurls both their hands, so that he can see the rings lying in her palm.

"You told me once that you were glad I was your wife. You gave me these. That moment, Alex, it was real. All the moments between us, they were real. I was just lying to myself when I thought it wasn't. It was real from that moment in the bar, when Laurens blackmailed you into talking to me. It'll be real for the rest of our lives. This baby, it's…it's just proof of that."

Tears blur her vision and she hears sobs, but she doesn't know who they come from.

"Please," she breathes. "Please, say we can try again."

He's silent, but the sobs are definitely his. She lays a hand on his chest and feels his breathing, his heart beating.

"It's going to be hard," he says finally. "We're both stubborn as hell, Eliza. Maybe we'd only hurt each other."

She shakes her head. "No. We hurt each other, but we fix each other too."

Alex smiles. He touches his forehead to hers, and Eliza's heart starts beating for the first time in weeks.

And then with shaking fingers, he picks up her ring and gently slides it onto her finger.

There's a moment you've been waiting all your life for,
When you find the very reason you're alive for,
And it happens when you seem to least expect it,
All at once you come alive and feel connected