Chapter 11: Absence
Sirius:
She used to say that in was always worse at 3 o'clock in the morning. In the depths of night when it seemed no one else was awake and the world was just darkness and loneliness. She was right.
Without disturbing the nameless girl who slept soundly beside him, Sirius crawled out of her bed and went to the kitchen. He contemplated whether he wanted water before a moment before making his way to her liquor cabinet and pouring himself a stiff glass of whiskey.
Sirius had begun acting out. Dumbledore had been worried that he would remove himself from the Order but instead his insomnia was only cured by fighting against the Dark Arts. He was volunteering for the hardest and most dangerous expeditions by the end of the week without her.
With the liquid burning in his throat and belly, he closed his eyes and hoped his mind would settle for a moment. A grasp of oblivion was all he wanted right now.
Lily and James were nearly impossible to be with for long periods of time right now. They were cooped up in that tiny house for too long now, and tempers were always on edge. It didn't help that Lily was noticeably pregnant and her emotions were as vibrant as her hair. He still tried to spent all of his free time there.
As the liquor settled he held the bottle in his hand and contemplated another glass. Was it worth it? Would it really help?
Peter was nearly a nonentity at the moment. He would pop back into their lives randomly with muttered explanations of undercover Order work. It was understandable. They all had been working hard. It was getting intense though. Everyone was coming back to Order meetings with shadows on their faces and scars on their bodies.
He focused on the amber liquid and let it dance in the dim light of the small kitchen before raising it to his lips and leaning his head back in order to let it slide down his throat.
He couldn't stand Remus. The friend who knew his pain the most acutely was ghost of his former self. Listless and lost, he would look at Sirius with eyes full of her memories and Sirius couldn't stand it. He needed to move on. It was ridiculous that he was so affected by the absence of one person. Even though she was the his fairy of light and happiness. She'd flitter into his life and make him smile when the shadows were strongest. Now he only at the measly light of the stars and the dim glow of a girl's kitchen light.
With a deep breath he put the bottle back into the cupboard and exchanged whiskey for water. His moment of oblivion never came, just that burning fuzzy feeling that clouded his mind but she still managed to find a way into his thoughts.
He hadn't returned to their apartment more than six times since she left. The suffocating sound of silence chased him out faster than any Death Eater could. Instead he put on the suave mask of his heredity and seduced his way into others beds.
He managed to make it back to the bedroom without any mishaps and crawled into bed. The girl rolled over with a sleepy smile and asked him why he left as she fingered the robes he hastily had donned. He didn't even answer, just captured her mouth with his in order to stop her questions. She didn't seem to mind the stale taste of whiskey on his breath as she welcomed him back into her embrace.
Why in this moment, when his mind should be on the lush, willing body in front of him does he think of over large eyes and whispered confessions in the night.
Remus:
"Mr. Lupin, I have no new information for you." Dumbledore readjusted his half moon glasses on his nose and evaluated the stricken man in front of him. "I can only reiterate my sentiments from yesterday and every day previously since the day she left. She has not contacted me but it doesn't mean she is harmed or that you should let yourself go. You do not need to come to this office everyday. The moment she contacts me I will send an owl to you."
Remus looked at him with golden eyes shadowed by fatigue and strain. "Did you write to her again?"
"Every other evening I write to tell her that she should return home. That I was in the wrong, and it is someone else leaking the information." He fingered the long end of his beard contemplatively as he spoke. "I am guessing from your presence you have had no communication with her."
"We have to do something!" Remus shouted. The growl that had become a part of his voice in these last months grew in his anger. "I write to her every chance I get. But most often the owl comes back with the letter unopened. I don't even know if she gets them and just sends them back or if the owl can't find her." The utter defeat in his voice brought Dumbledore to his feet.
"Do you know where she is, Remus?" He asked the distraught man.
"I would be there now, if I did." He rubbed his eyes. "I'm pretty sure I know who she's with though. Would that help?"
"Anything would help, Remus." Dumbledore answered his blue eyes sharp with interest.
"Sirius is convinced that she's abandoned us for her Tommy. I know nothing about this man other than that he was a childhood friend. Sirius think that because we didn't finding her right after she left, she sees it as the fulfillment of all her fears. Now, she wants nothing to do with us." The tears that were suppressed seemed to catch in his throat and he began to fiddle with the trinkets on Dumbledore's desk.
"Then, it is as I have feared. If I known the affect of this separation, I might have reconsidered. It's ruining both you and Sirius." Dumbledore sat back down in his futility.
"Sirius is fine." Remus growled and the delicate instrument in his hands snapped. "He smiles and seduces, I don't think he even cares." He lamely put the instrument back and turned away from the older man.
"Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore admonished. "Do not become blinded by your own pain so you cannot see a dear friend's. Just because you respond with starving yourself and obsessing does not mean that it is the only reaction to suffering."
"I'm not starving myself," If the growl was absent in his voice he would have sounded like a petulant child.
"So you've eaten today, then?" Dumbledore's voice had a hint of humor in it. The laughter was silenced by the look he got in response.
The conversation was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. Remus murmured his farewell's and turned to leave, realizing nothing could be accomplished by yelling at the venerable older man. So, he was the first to open the door and admit the knocker.
He was entirely surprised to see a tiny dark haired girl with eyes you could drown in on the other side of the door. It knocked the breath out of him, but he saw that Casey was just as taken aback. Before he could catch his breath to tell her anything she had leapt into his arms and dissolved into tears.
"Ms. Meadows," Dumbledore's voice interrupted their reunion. "It has been six months since I have notified you that you could return. I do believe that a conversation between us is imminent. I do hate to pry you from Remus's arms, however…."
His suggestion of Casey leaving again was met by a nearly feral sound strangled out of Remus's throat as he held her closer. From his arms, Casey looked out at Dumbledore with eyes as hard as sapphires and nodded to him.
"Baby," She murmured and brushed the loose hair off of Remus' face. "I do need to talk to him." She unwound herself and led Remus back into the office to face Dumbledore. She never let go of his hand though and he followed like a lost puppy with his tail in between his legs.
"I'm resigning from the Order for good." She stated looking across the desk at a man she used to hold in the highest esteem. The naked anger in her face betrayed her feelings for him now.
"Have you joined another cause, Ms. Meadows." Dumbledore asked quietly after a pause.
There was no warning but every single portrait in the office fell from it's place on the walls with a sound like crashing thunder. In the commotion of frantic past headmasters her answer was nearly lost. Dumbledore heard it though, "Never."
"What are you insinuating!" Remus growled and wrapped his arms around the small woman once more.
"It was a question that needed to be answered. I am right in presuming that you have contacted Tom Riddle in the time of your absence." Dumbledore sighed as he looked at the wreckage. "I do not know just how you managed to go through these halls and never learn to control the wild magic inside of you. If you could channel this energy you could be a most outstanding and powerful witch, Ms. Meadows. Instead you ignore your wand and immerse yourself solely in potions. Even your friend, Severus Snape ventured beyond the subject."
"Casey can do magic just fine!" Remus rose to her defense before Casey could even open her mouth.
"Just fine is only the beginning, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore answered. "But Dorcas could be much better than just fine. We've had this talk before though, haven't we?"
Casey didn't answer but instead responded with, "I went to Tommy's right after I left here the first time. I did not betray you though. I came here to open my mind so that you will let me be with the ones I love."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked the growl that had become apart of him was absent for the first time in months. It left him sounding young and vulnerable.
"Ms. Meadows?" Dumbledore waved a hand toward the woman. "This is not my place."
She squirmed and turned to look at the man she promised to marry. "It's complicated but pretty much, Tom is Lord Voldemort. I was with him since I left and now Dumbledore thinks I'm a spy. So I'm going to open my mind so he can see I'm not. Dumbledore is a very good Legilimens."
"Though not better than Ms. Meadows is at Occlumency." Dumbeldore intoned.
"Not for lack of trying." She spat back. "You've been trying to get into my head since you met me."
"You were a very intriguing ten year old, Ms. Meadows." The older man nodded, refusing to deny the attack. "You spoke of a man I feared with affection and adoration and when I tried to pry quietly I found indestructible walls in a mind which should have been wide open."
"My mind should be my own. Both you and Tommy never understood that." Her words were so quiet that it was barely audible but both men in the room heard her.
Casey looked up at Dumbledore with sapphire eyes and nodded. Dumbledore gave her a sad smile and raised his wand. It didn't seem that much happened except Casey stiffened in his arms. It wasn't more than five minutes before she relaxed and turned into Remus' arms and burst into tears.
"Are you done?" Remus demanded of the man who once was all that was good and powerful in his mind. He didn't even wait for the nod before ushering the broken girl out of the door.
