An: Finally some Kouga! Also, lyrics in this story? Mine, lol so don't expect a master piece. I don't do poetry or music.

"Losing Control."

Chapter 12: Smile through the pain.

A flicker of strobe like lights shot off, an array of multicolor bounced off the walls and into the cheering crowd. Pulsing colors and then blackness, colors, then blackness. The crowd screamed in anticipation, you could barely make out the outline of our bodies every time the lights flickered. That just seem to make the fans lose it even more.

Their strangled cries grew louder, more urgent. Their voices carry far and wide, the stadium we were in seem to make their cries multiply. Ignoring the roar as best as I could I stood at ease, guitar limp in my hands. Looking to my left I made out two people who I knew only had to be Sesshomaru and InuYasha.

InuYasha stood center stage, leather clad legs apart, head bend his hands were wrapped around the mic that sat nestled in its stand. His hair slide like a veil covering his face partially, I couldn't see his face to gauge his emotions, I could only guess he was still waging a battle in himself with what all had gone down. Before walking onto stage I caught a quick glimpse of his face. He hadn't looked too good for wear. I figured the beating he had taken as well as still being hungover from the night before, was taking a toll on him. Horrible of me to think but I didn't even feel that bad for him.

His face was healing at least, His lip no longer split but it was red and scabbed from where it had split. The bruising around his eye was evolving into the green yellow that bruises did. I could see through the flickering his chest rising and falling. I couldn't decide if it was the show or the incidents in our lives that were making him on edge. I'd say the later.

The roar of the crowd growing louder with anxious thumbed inside my skull. I watched as they jumped and cheered, some waved signs with declarations of love for us. Hands reached out from the first row, begging for us to just finish those few inches and touch them.

Sesshomaru did just that. Carefully as if afraid to damage it he swung his bass behind his back, keeping it out of his way as he stooped. Bending his long frame he squatted, bearing his weight on his knees. Hand outstretched he gently caressed the palm of a girl who couldn't be any older then thirteen. Eyes wide the girl looked up into Sesshomaru's face, her mouth opened and closed in state of shock. Crying out she pulled back clutching her hand to her small chest, tears of joy glistening in her eyes.

Sesshomaru stood back up, face its usual blank mask he went back to his post on the stage. Catching me looking he narrowed his eyes as if daring me to be a smart ass. Smiling I decided to save it for later.

I looked behind my shoulder towards the jungle of drums, Miroku sat above them twirling his sticks in his hands absentmindedly. His knees bobbed up and down, legs restless ready to pound on the drums to get his energy and frustration out. Blue eyes darted anywhere but to the center stage. He and InuYasha had been avoiding one another like the plague since last night. Didn't blame the guy, the bus ride with our singer had been strained and downright uncomfortable.

The lights stopped their flickering dance, the colorful strobes cease to exist. Plunged into darkness, the crowed hushed a confused murmur beginning to go around the masses. A grin grew on my face. This was my favorite part.

Three massive booms shot off. The pyro cannons going off sending fire into the air, dying shortly as they reached a certain height. The confusion that had settles over everyone quickly went away as soon as they realized the meaning behind the fire display.

I smiled as I looked over as Sesshomaru, who wore the same dopey expression as me, turned his eyes to me. We did the same thing every show, and it still seem to amaze the fans every time we did it. Arms out stretched InuYasha threw his head back, a deep laugh emerging from his throat echoing into the mic. Behind me Miroku pounded on his bass drum, beating on a few other drums to check how they sounded, and the crash of cymbals let me know we were ready.

Cheers erupted, soon after a chanting grew, "Among the Lost! Among the Lost! Among the Lost!"

Replacing the once flashing lights a brighter yellow spot light shone on the stage, showing us all in out glory. If I thought their roars were loud before, the cries they shouted now made me stumble back. Their genuine excitement made all this worth it.

Looking out at the sea of people, the fans who loved us almost made me forget the shit storm I was living. On stage we looked normal, we looked like were were all friends and nothing were wrong. Underneath though, underneath we were barely holding on by a thread.

"Hello Nagoya!" InuYasha's voice boomed loud, more screams roared to life. I had to advert my eyes as I watched a women climb onto of a man's shoulders just to expose her breast. This crowd was alive and ready for us.

"I don't even have to mention who we are do I?"

"No!" The crowd screamed back, earning themselves a slight bow from InuYasha.

"Didn't think so. You guys ready to blow this place to the ground?"

"YES!"

"Good." Grinning slyly at the fans, his eyes flicked to Sesshomaru and then me, our queue to play the first song in out line up.

Sesshomaru's heavy bass line filled the air, he strummed a low humming tune, fast and hard I watched as his fingers moved like lightening.

Hitting his peak of his solo I slammed my hand down and started turning out my own part. One hand running along the neck of my guitar the other hammering hard on the strings. The familiar whiney of my guitar flowed alongside the hum of Sesshomaru's base. The thumbing of Miroku's bass drum, and crashing of cymbals was InuYasha's queue.

InuYasha's stage persona flared to life, leaving behind the nervous edge he always seem to carry before a show. Now the man at the mic oozed confidence, and sex appeal. Leg propped on an amp InuYasha yanked the mic from the stand, cupping his hands over the top he belted out a long gurgled scream.

The crowd ate it up, hands in the air I watched as their first shook, as they jumped around amping themselves up for Inu to start singing.

From screaming, InuYasha's voice mellowed, turning into an actual singing voice. He belted out the lyrics in a slow rhythm. While his voice remained slow and sad the rest of us remained playing heavy and loud.

"Who do you see?

Staring back at me?

Do you regret the things you see?"

Head swinging back and forth I strummed the strings of my guitar harder, moving from my spot I strutted over to Sesshomaru. Turning to face me we played while InuYasha sung, bass and guitar facing off one another. As if a challenge, Sesshomaru picked the pace up. Not letting him get the better of me I kept up with him.

With a knowing smile I knew I just issued a contest.

"I once held a spot in that black hole,

Now all that's left is your bitter regret.

I tried to be what you needed me to be."

I and Sesshomaru waged a war, trying to outlast one another. We remained eye contact as our fingers flew away on our instruments. Our notes coming out faster and faster. I felt the increasing speed, sweat breaking out on my forehead I felt like my fingers were about to fly off my hands.

Sesshomaru saw my panicked expression, he knew I was goings to lose this one. I watched as the smile grew on his face, His eyes sparkled with glee, and that's when I knew I fucked up. Fingers stumbling over notes I shook my head.

Mouthing the words "You win….for now." I ran back to my side, getting my playing under control once more I risked glancing over at our bassist. The smile still remained on his face while he gloated about his victory and my lose.

"You can't understand why I am the way I am.

It's because of you.

I am the man that I am."

I checked behind me to see Miroku. His attention was focused elsewhere, in his own world. His arms swinging beating every beat he could out of his drum set. His hair clinging to his sweaty face, I watched his eyes glancing back and forth between his set to behind the stage.

Glancing in that direction I smiled. Sango sat on a box, all smiles as she watched Miroku playing.

Turning my attention back to the crowd I felt a lift in my chest, even if we were all separate right now our love for the music was our last thread that held us together. I hope we could maintain that grip, and repair the massive hole in our lives.

"Who do you see?

Is it still me?

Do you remember me?"

Looking at each guy in the band, my friends. I hope and prayed we fixed things. I don't know what I'd do without them.

"I wish you remembered me…"

By the time the show ended I was drenched and exhausted. Sweat clung to places I never thought it would reach. I had to drag myself off stag. All the jumping around was catching up with me. I was getting to old for this shit. Luckily for me the show had gone off without any incident. Considering how the past two shows we had went pretty fucking badly, and how we all were towards one another, wouldn't take much for one to be good. InuYasha wasn't drunk, and our instruments didn't try to kill us. So a good night.

Climbing down the stairs in silence we all headed towards our shared room. The crew had offered to find separate rooms, Sesshomaru wasn't having that. He politely had told them to fuck off, along with Miroku and InuYasha if they had issues.

The silence that hovered around us was nerve wracking. We usually goofed, and joked with one another. Having grown accustom to that, the silence felt like something foreign and weird. This silence, was serious. It was like someone had died and we were in mourning. An accurate description seeming as the band felt like it did just that. Died.

I was the first to step in, slinging my guitar strap over my shoulder I rested it against the wall leaving it there for a roadie to pick it up.

Grabbing a bottle water, I propped myself against the wall, I wanted a good view of the room just for all intent in purposes. Really it was more to see if anything happened. And I was sure something would happen. Watching as the rest of the guys file into the room I made eye contact with Sesshomaru. His eyes let me know he felt the same as me.

Sesshomaru followed my lead, grabbing a bottle of water and standing next to me. We knew what we were really looking out for. And here they came.

Stepping up to the door at the same time, Miroku and InuYasha had a small Collison. Looking at one another with unfriendly eyes both paused, waiting for the other to make the first move. Without vocally communicating they just stood there waiting.

Sucking his teeth in frustration, I watched as InuYasha's face contorted into a false smile. Gritting his teeth he flashed that smile towards Miroku. Hand held out towards the door, "Be my guest, go first."

Returning the same smile Miroku extended his own hand, mocking the exact smile. "No, you go."

"I Insist Miroku."

I watched as Miroku's face strained harder to remain looking pleasant. "No. You."

"Just fucking go through the door." Snapping InuYasha dropped the friendly act. Should have figured it wouldn't last long.

"Why do you have to be such a stubborn ass?"

"Will you two act like big people?" Both men turned their fiery looks towards Sesshomaru.

Sesshomaru raised his brows at the two, as if daring them to say something. Knowing when to let go Miroku and InuYasha slunk into the room, hatred in their eyes they made sure to stay on the opposite side of the room from one another.

I fought to not snicker at Sesshomaru's angry burst. Looking up I saw that neither Miroku nor InuYasha found his comment to be hilarious. The stood sulking in their corners not making eye contact with anymore.

Looking at Sesshomaru for answers, all he did was simple shrugged his shoulders.

Draining his bottle he took on more final look at the men in the room. Making his way towards the door he spoke over his shoulder, "You two inspire the inner serial killer in me." Having said what he needed to he continued to walk out the room, leaving behind a stunned Miroku and InuYasha.

"That guy has some nerve." Miroku crossed his arms, Sesshomaru no longer being in the room anymore gave them the confidence to talk back.

"Try living with him."

"Rather not, Kouga has to poor guy."

I stood there listening as they continued to belittle our one friend who was right. Sesshomaru spoke the truth every time, these two idiots were just feeling guilty.

"Least you two are talking."

They paused, looking at one another their eyes landed back to me. "Doesn't really mean were friends."

Scoffing Miroku glared at the back of InuYasha's head," Ditto buddy."

"Miroku do you need another lesson? I can happily supply you." Cracking his knuckled InuYasha turned a smirk on his lips, giving Miroku a look as if he were ready to jump up and throw a punch.

"What langrage are you speaking? Because it sounds like bullshit." Smiling sweetly Miroku stood his ground.

"Nice one Miroku. Why don't you go slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."

Feeling my good mood slip away I glowered at them. They had a lot of nerve to talk about Sesshomaru. These two were far from being allowed to throw stones. Right now was a damn fine example of that. These two never ceased to amaze me. Standing away from the wall I flowed Sesshomaru's lead, heading right to the door to get out of here before I blew what lasting patience I had. "You two are un-fucking-believable."

"Excuse me?" Two sets of startled eyes stared at me, they had forgotten all about me.

Spinning around I let it all go, I let all the emotions that had been running through me out. I let all the sadness, anger, betrayal I had been holding onto finally out. "You heard me. You two, the most fucked up two of this fucked up parade of fuckery have no room to talk about anyone. Sesshomaru tells you how it is, you just can't take the truth."

"Kouga we didn't mean it like-"Miroku started to make his way to me, holding my hand out he stopped a look of disbelief on his face.

"No, you two are single handedly destroying what we worked so hard for. You fight over something so stupid, and you're both so fucking stubborn you can't just forgive one another. Get over it! InuYasha-"

"What? I'm not wrong in this. I still stick by everything I-"His eyes narrowed as he turned in my direction.

Not caring I was going to let this go. They needed to know. "Get over it. Stop being an ass say sorry to your best friend. Miroku, grow up. We have been friends how long? LET IT GO! I'm tired, Sesshomaru is tired. Everyone is tired. If you guys don't hash it out, you're regret it."

Nodding I felt myself relax. I had let lose all I could hope for were these two idiots to fix the issues they created. I don't care what happened, I just wanted to get back to the way we were. Turning my back to them, I left. I left and didn't look back.

"I can say nice things about them, or I could tell the truth." Sesshomaru laid sprawled out on his bed, his bass laid next to him. I had stormed back to the bus still fuming. Sesshomaru had been playing his bass, the sight of an angry me made him stop. Forcing the truth out of my stubborn ass I spilled about the happenings. Everything from Miroku and InuYasha smarting off, to me defending Sesshomaru and losing my cool.

So here we sat talking about what had just gone down. For the past twenty minutes. I was loving it. I loved any little time alone I got with Sesshomaru. I knew I shouldn't be here with him, it made things for me all the more complicated. I just couldn't stop myself. Sue me.

Laughing I shook my head, "I give up on them. Hell if this falls apart let's just make a two man band."

"After what I told InuYasha, he better fix it."

"What did you tell him?"

Sighing heavily, I studied Sesshomaru as his face changed from happy to serious. The happy mood disappeared instantly, things got tense and serious. My skin prickled with goosebumps, I was both worried and nervous.

Rubbing his huge hands over his face he spoke. "I told him he didn't fix whatever this is, I'm done."

"Done?" Heart racing I hope he didn't mean what I though he did.

"As in, done with the band, done with him."

Everything stopped, staring at his face I knew he meant what he said. I didn't think it would get to this point. I always thought Sesshomaru would fix it. Leaving in in InuYasha's hands made me fear for the worse.

Yea I still lived with Sesshomaru not like I wouldn't see him, there would just be a void in all our lives. This band was everything.

"Name it Sessy and the Koko experience."

"Huh?"

"Our solo band. Name it Sessy and the Koko experience." Nudging me slightly I realized what Sesshomaru was doing. He had saw the sacred look in my eyes, and wanting to make it better he tried to get my focus elsewhere.

Smiling I tried to do what he was guiding me to. Licking my lips I looked up, a smile coming to the surface, "Janga crusaders."

"Two men, one blow up doll."

"Hey! Get off my planet!"

We fell on the floor, holding our sides at our unfunny names we laughed. Sesshomaru's attempt to lighten things had worked.

"We will make millions off that." Sesshomaru's eyes sparkled, he enjoyed the moment as much as I had. We both were overdue for a laugh.

"Least in out rightful minds we will." Another immature fit of giggles broke from us, if someone had stumbled upon us they would have thought we were drunk or high.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I laid on the floor looking over at Sesshomaru, eyes staring back at me I felt the warmth blaze in my face. Just staring into those light irises of his made me nervous. This thing with me was slowly breaking me. How could I continue to be near him with my growing affection, and never able to tell him? I feared losing him, but I also feared falling for him.

Getting himself under control first, I felt Sesshomaru gently slap my shoulder. Bringing me out of my haze I blinked rapidly "Let's get out of here for a while."

"An?" Shooting him a questionable look, I watched as his mouth twitched into a smile.

"Fuck let's get drunk."

"Last time we got drunk, I woke up in a puppy pile." I tried to play it off as if I would rather do other things then have that happen again, truth be told I hadn't minded. I had enjoyed waking up with his heads on my lap, face content and peaceful in his sleep. I had to fight the urge to stroke his long silvery hair.

"I won't tell if you don't." digging under his bed he pulled out an unmarked bottle. Grinning he shook it in front of me. "Don't bitch out."

Snatching the bottle I glared testily at him. "Remember, you started this." Unscrewing the cap I took a giant gulp. I hope I don't regret this crap later.

The bottle laid empty beside us, we laid sprawled out on what little room we had on the floor. I was well and drunk, Sesshomaru seemed to be not phased at first glance. But looking into his blood shot eyes said different.

Shivering I looked around. "So cold."

"Go to bed then."

Looking across the room my bed seemed miles away. Shaking my head, "Nope to far away."

"Oh god you baby."

Scooting closer I laid there stunned as Sesshomaru threw his arm over my body, pulling me closer.

The warmth his body was throwing off made me catch my breath. I fought the urge to press my hands against his chest and deepen that warmth, wrapping it around me. Being drunk with Sesshomaru next to me just as shit faced wasn't a good idea.

Playing it out I laughed nervously. "Dinner before you feel me up Sessy."

"You wish you were my type, feel lucky I'm touching you."

"Think it'd the other way buddy."

Scoffing I felt his finger jab my stomach," I'm the stud muffin."

"Stud muffin? With that vocabulary I'm surprised you can charm the pants off of anything."

"I can show you how I charm em off." My eyes grew wide, mouth going dry I watched as Sesshomaru leaned in closer, his breath blowing across the edge of my ear, he whispered smoothly into my ear, "Except I'm not into dick."

Hurt I had to remind myself not to take it to heart. He was drunk, and he didn't know how I truly felt. "Keep it up and Ill invite some fans on for a puppy pile."

'Think it'll be hard to avoid a puppy party, on this small ass bus. "

Shifting away from Sesshomaru I found myself pressed closer to Sesshomaru'; side Instead. Looking up our faces were closer. Eyes meeting for the first time I tried to hide my excitement. Please penis do not make a rise for affection.

Silence filled the bus as we stared at one another. My heart felt like it would pop from my chest as the seconds ticked by. We didn't move, didn't talk, we just looked at each other.

"You get any closer Kouga you'll be making out with me," His voice soft, a hesitant chuckle came out. He sounded as nervous as I was about this turn of events. What was going on? Did he feel for me as I him? Or had I made him uncomfortable?

Pulling back I darted my eyes down embarrassed, this was becoming more and more awkward. "Sorry drank way to mu-"

Stopping I watched as Sesshomaru closed the distance once more. Falling back, I had to prop myself on my elbows. Crawling closer he stopped Inches from my face. I felt his hot breath blow across my lips. His eyes clouding with uncertainty, I sat there unable to move, not wanting to move away but closer to him.

His hand hesitantly hovered over my face, I was confused and ecstatic at the same time. We didn't speak, we sat there close enough to kiss. I nearly begged for him to touch me. Just once.

"Kouga?" His voice a husky whisper.

Licking my dry lips I whispered, "Yea?"

"I was serious. You're not my type, I'm not into guys."

Breathing in and out I watched him closely. "Then why are you this close?"

"I don't know. "

His face made the last few inches towards mine, his hand flew up to caress my check. I felt his lips hovering over mine, the gentle press of our lips meeting sent shivers down my spine. Not knowing if I should touch him or not I laid there still, afraid any movement would scare him away like a feral cat.

Seconds seem to turn into minutes, minutes into hours. Pulling back we stared at each other in shock. Leaning on his elbows I watched as his face registered what had just happened. "I don-"

"Sesshomaru you on here?"

We both bolted up, sweat beading along my back I watched as Kikyou ran up our steps. Face bright and happy she looked back and forth at our nervous faces. Eyebrows cocked she leveled another puzzled look. Did she figure out what we did? " I miss something?"

"No." Sesshomaru and I looked at another as we shot out a nervous reply.

"Oooook won't ask," Focusing her gaze on Sesshomaru she nodded towards the bus door. "Mind if I talk to you a second?"

"Yea, sure." Standing up he hurried towards the door. Looking back at me, he looked as if he wanted to say something. His face mixed with confusion and need had me going through a tailspin. Thinking better of it he left without another word, Kikyou trailing behind him.

Slamming my head down I groaned as the pain blossomed throughout my skull.

I had kiss Sesshomaru.

I didn't initiate it. He had. Drunk or not, I kissed Sesshomaru. Pinching my arm I cried out once more. Nope not a dream.

Breathing heavily I felt panic rise in me. What the hell did this mean?