A/N: A big thank you to those of you who reviewed last chapter. I really appreciate it. Okay on with the story.
Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.
Chapter 12
Black and Blue
BPOV
I tore the large hand away from my eyes and turned to meet a broad chest. I quickly looked up to the huge smile of my old best friend.
"Jacob!" I cried, throwing my arms around him.
Jacob Black had been my best friend throughout my childhood. Our dads were best friends, so we were friends by default. I had very few childhood memories that he wasn't in. Jacob had been my partner in crime and was like a brother to me.
"How have you been honey?" Jacob questioned while wrapping his arms around me.
"Oh, I've been okay, what about you?" I said trying to pull the attention away from me.
His entire face lit up when he smiled his signature grin. "Well…um" he said sheepishly.
"I'm engaged!" His grin grew even wider.
"Oh wow, Jake that's great!" I said throwing my arms around his large frame. I couldn't be happier for my friend. I couldn't wait to tell Edward. Edward had always thought that Jake had a thing for me.
Their relationship had been a little rocky in the beginning. Edward thought Jake wanted me for himself, and Jake thought Edward wasn't good enough. At some point along the way they had reached some type of understanding. They would still pick at each other but it was in a much more lighthearted way.
"Yeah Vanessa is amazing, Bells, you will love her." He said beaming with pride.
We made our way to the sofas that were tucked in the corner of the bookstore and continued talking about our lives. I didn't go into all the details of mine and Edward's separation, it wasn't his business. I did mention that we were taking a few steps back right now. Jake seemed genuinely sympathetic. I invited him to our place for Sunday dinner tomorrow with the family.
I did not want to have this get together considering everything that was going on, but Alice had insisted we couldn't break tradition. She said that if we skipped our Sunday night tradition once we would never get it back.
Whatever, if she insisted on having everyone over at my place I was going to invite Jacob.
I wanted him to get to see everyone, but I also knew that if Jacob was there then the conversations wouldn't focus on me and Edward. There was also never an awkward silence when Jake and Rosalie were in the same room. Those two never tired of irritating each other. It was actually very comical to watch.
I learned about Jake's new life in Oregon with Vanessa. She would be at dinner tomorrow and I couldn't wait to meet her.
Jacob Black had come back to town to take care of his dad. Billy's health had taken a turn for the worst. I made a mental note to get out and see Billy soon.
I'm not sure how long we were talking before we were interrupted by my cell phone ringing.
"It's Alice."
"Of course" Jacob smiled as I answered my phone.
"Hey, Alice guess who I'm sitting with."
"Who?" She questioned with way to much enthusiasm.
"Jacob." I said simply while Jacob laughed quietly to himself.
"Oh my gosh, Jacob Black? Did you invite him for dinner tomorrow night?" Jacob now laughed louder having heard her shrieking through my phone.
Alice and Jacob had always gotten along well. I could hear Rosalie groan in the background. I guess some things never changed.
"Of course I did Alice. Were you guys ready to go?"
"Yeah we're going to head out. You have your car here, so I'm going to take Rose home. Do you care if I keep my nephew tonight? "She said in one breath.
"Sorry Alice, Edward is taking Ayden tomorrow so I need him to be at home."
"Fine, but I want to keep him tomorrow night after the dinner." Alice persisted.
I'm not sure why she wanted to babysit so badly but of course what Alice wants, Alice gets.
"Sure Alice. I'll pick up Ayden from Rose on my way home. I'm about to get out of here too."
"All right, love you. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Love you too Alice, bye." I said closing my phone.
"I see she hasn't changed much" Jacob smiled.
"Nope, not at all." I laughed.
"Well I'd better get home. I'm going to see you tomorrow, right? I questioned though I already knew Jacob would never miss a meal I cooked.
"Absolutely"
Jacob wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head before we went our separate ways.
*****
On the ride back home my mind began to wander. Shopping and visiting with Jacob had distracted me temporarily from whatever this feeling was. I still hadn't identified it. How could one feel devastation and relief at the same time? Was there even a word for this emotion?
I also felt so alone. There was no one I knew who could possibly understand what I felt. I had carried her for months. She was a part of me. How could anyone grasp that without living it?
I needed to pull myself out of my overwhelming pity. Now wasn't the time to get emotional.
I pushed play on the c.d. player in my car. No bothering to see what disc was inside.
The sounds of country music filled my car.
'It must be one Jasper had left in here'. I thought while I barely listened to the first couple of songs.
I found myself staring out the windshield not paying much attention when a few sad chords caught my ear.
'Of course' I thought sarcastically. Why wouldn't it be a sad song? The lyrics that followed grabbed my attention completely while I began to listen intently.
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife with four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy
I got to get away .
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone sometimes
I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
As the lyrics sunk in I had to pull my car over to the side of the road. My vision was filled with unshed tears and regret now outshined my previous, unknown emotion.
How could I not realize how stupid I had been? I took all this pain on myself and shut everyone else out. How could I not understand that Edward was in just as much pain as I've been in?
Hell, he was probably hurting worse. Edward had not only lost his daughter but his wife. Now I had managed to drive him to an apartment across town away from his son and his life.
I found myself crying again for the second time in two days.
I knew he wasn't without some fault where our problems were concerned but I'm the one who cut him out. I never once asked how he was coping with everything.
I never even asked if he was doing alright.
We still had so much to work out but I needed to let him in before anything would progress. I needed to change something soon. I didn't want this to be my life. I did not want to be this person I had become.
I had to call him now. I tried to steady my fingers as I pulled his name up in my contact list.
The phone rang and I held my breath waiting to hear his voice.
"Bella? Is everything alright?" He asked in a worried tone.
"No, Edward it's not" I managed to say through my tears.
"Calm down, love. Tell me what's wrong?" He said trying to sound calm. His shaky voice betrayed his intentions.
"I've screwed up so bad. I'm so sorry. I miss you." I blubbered.
I could hear Edward sigh. I wasn't sure if it was from relief or frustration.
"Bella…"
"Edward we really need to talk. There is so much I need to say."
"Do you want me to come by tonight. Just let me get rid of the guys and I'll come over to the house." He said very quickly.
I wanted to speak to him tonight but it would be better if we had more time to talk. I also wanted just a little time to get my head on straight. Everything had been coming at me so quickly that I needed a little while to try and make sense of all the thoughts going through my head.
"I still have to go pick up Ayden, and get him into bed, it's getting late." I said wishing I had just let Alice keep Ayden tonight.
"Can we talk tomorrow? Maybe you could come by a little earlier to pick up Ayden?" I questioned hopefully.
"Of course, love. I was going to come by around ten, how about we make it eight?"
"That sounds great. I'll see you then. Oh, and Edward…"
"Yes, Bella?"
"I love you." I said, hoping that he could hear my sincerity and seriousness.
"I love you, Bella, nothing will change that." He said with conviction.
I pulled back on the road and continued my trip to Rosalie's.
When I picked up Ayden I hugged him as tightly as I could. I had a lot to make up for. I knew he was young and so his memory wasn't that strong, but mine was. I would make sure he would never know another time in his life when his mother was distant. Hopefully soon his world would be back to normal.
After we arrived home I got Ayden bathed and in bed. I curled up with him and a children's book. I read him the simple words of Dr. Seuss until his little eyelids ran out of fight. I kissed his forehead and climbed out of his bed careful not to make any extreme movements.
As I made my way to the door I heard his sleepy voice ask me the one question I had been dreading.
"Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" He mumbled with his eyes still closed.
"Daddy will be here soon, sweetheart" I whispered as I turned off the lights.
I didn't know how soon was soon but I really hoped I hadn't lied to him. Edward would be here in the morning and with any luck we would have a better grasp of where to go from here once we talked.
I drug my feet toward my empty bedroom and layed in the darkness. My mind was full of everything I wanted, no needed, to share with Edward. I let my thoughts drift to what I needed to say as I felt myself begin to drift off to sleep.
A/N: Sorry to end the chapter there but E&B's conversation was taking way to long to include in this chapter.
If anyone is interested the song in this chapter was Tim Mcgraw's 'Angry all the Time'. Completely depressing but it seemed to fit well with their situation.
Okay before everyone asks, Jacob will not be any type of love interest for Bella. These two have enough on their plate. No affairs. Bella is finally seeing that she has some serious issues to work out with her relationship and with herself. She's not over anything yet, but things are progressing.
Oh and I have one tiny request. The reviews went down drastically last chapter, you guys let me know if anyone is still reading this story.
Review, review, review! ( please : D )
