A/N: I'd like to thank everyone who came along on this ride. You reward: The final chapter.
Hazzelll: I sorry if Spike's slur offend you but I am honestly only using words he actually used on the show. Spike is the type of person to say those words and I will not censor my writing in order to be PC. If you have a problem with that word please take it up with the Joss Whedon, however I should point out that Spike using that word is just apart of his characterization. I dont' believe in censorship no matter how disgraceful it may be.
Chapter 12- Love
Spike had gone home. No one was there. No one would be there for hours. Darla was at the magic shop and Angel was working late. Spike stood in the bathroom with a razor in his right hand debating whether or not to open his left wrists.
Nothing made sense anymore, and it wasn't just because he probably had a concussion. Everything was changing so fast. He no longer knew who the people he was closest with were.
He missed his mother. She was always so kind to him. She died so horribly and it wasn't fair. He blamed himself. He let that monster in.
He missed Drusilla, at least before she went all psycho-killer. Despite what she did to him, how she destroyed his family and his life he still loved her. She was his first love and nothing would ever change that. She helped him grow, taught him to look at the world in a different way, to grow a sense of humor and childlike enjoyment.
He was grateful to have a friend like Willow but scared that she would wise up and realize he was good for nothing. Or worst that he would be a bad influence on her and destroy her innocence.
He hated Xander for being a fake. Xander didn't care about him. He was only Spike's friend because he wanted a bigger loser to compare himself to. Xander was petty and they weren't best mates like Spike thought. Worst than that Spike realized without Xander as his friend he would have to buy his own PlayStation.
Cordelia was a bitch that Spike wanted nothing to do with but somewhere deep inside Spike did have feelings for her best friend, perhaps not love but at least pity. He felt back for Harmony. He felt bad for the way everyone abused her. He knew other than Cordelia he was the biggest perpetrator of her abuse. In reflection he felt guilty about that. Even Harmony deserved better than him.
Spike even felt guilty about the way he abused Darla. Darla only wanted to help take care of Spike. She didn't want to replace his mother, but to give Spike an easier transition and help ease the pain of his loss. But Spike never even gave her a chance.
He never gave Angel a chance either. He always mocked Angel and disobeyed him. He didn't realize until it was too late that Angel actually cared.
And then there was Buffy. Spike felt an emotional connection to her that he had never felt before. For the first time since his mother died he felt whole. He couldn't comprehend these feelings or understand where they came from. All Spike knew was that he was in love. He and Buffy belonged together.
So Spike continued to stand there with a razor at his wrist unable to decide what he should do. He should do it for his mother. For Drusilla, Willow, Xander, Harmony, Darla and Angel. But he couldn't do that to Buffy. It would break her heart. She would blame herself. It would destroy her.
Spike put the razor down. He sat down on the tile floor, pulled himself into the fetal position and cried. He rocked himself back and forth a couple times.
Crack! It sounded as if the front door had been broken.
"Spike!" It was Buffy's voice. There were footsteps coming up the stairs.
Spike stood up. He looked around, panicked about why she was there. He looked at the sink. The razor was there. He grabbed, content on throwing it away. Buffy opened the bathroom door. The razor was still in his hand.
Her eyes looked at his hand. They bugged out. She paused for a split second, then ran toward him and knocked the razor out of his hand. Then she grabbed both hands and held on tight. She looked at him. He eyes were so big and filled with worry.
Spike looked down. He focused on a stop on his shoe. "I wasn't going to do it," he said.
"Don't lie to me," Buffy said. Her voice cracked.
Spike looked up at her. Her eyes were red and puffy.
"I'm not. I put it down. Then I heard you coming. I was going to throw it away. I didn't want you to see it. I didn't want you to know that I thought about it for even a second."
Buffy's grip on Spike's wrist got tighter. She was shaking.
"I'm so sorry." He tried to pull away but Buffy would not let go.
"No!" Buffy shouted. "You can't leave. You men always leave. Pike left. Dad left. Please don't leave me Spike."
Buffy's words shocked him. Spike thought the whole time that he was the only one with problems and abandonment issues. No wonder he felt so safe with Buffy, she had really gone through the same thing. Spike looked Buffy in the eyes. "Buffy I would never leave you."
"You were about to. You were about to kill yourself and then you'd be gone and I'd be alone again."
"No. I didn't do it because of you."
Buffy let go out his hands. "You're lying to me." She started to back away.
"No, I love you."
"You don't even know me." She turned around and ran out the door. Spike followed her. She ran down stairs, out of the house, down the street and into a park. At the park she collapsed on some grass. Spike was pretty sure she had become too emotionally drained to continue running.
Spike said down next to her. He had never been the one to comfort someone else before. It was the first time in his life. She leaned against him and fell onto his chest. Spike ran his fingers through her hair. They stayed silent for a few minutes. Buffy was the one to break it.
"Pike left me. We ran away together and he promised we were going to be together forever and he left me. He said he couldn't keep up with me. He tried to make it sound like he was giving me back my life but I couldn't go back. Then I went home. My dad said he was divorcing my mom. I asked him if it was my fault. He said no. I think he was lying. And now I'm here with you. And I know how this is going to end. Hell I'm pretty sure I've figured out your method of leaving too."
"Buffy, I'd never—" Spike started to say. Buffy cut him off.
"Don't make a promise you can't keep. Pike told me we were going to be together forever. My dad gave freakin' vows to my mother and he still left her. And you're suicidal. You're just going to leave me, like the rest of them.
Spike continued to stroke her hair. He had no idea what he could say. The tears started forming in his eyes again. The dropped down his face and landed on top of her head.
Buffy sat up straight. She bit her lip. Then she kissed Spike. It was just long enough for Spike to enjoy and short enough to be considered a tease. "Please don't leave me," she said in a scared voice.
Spike hugged her and held her close to his body. "I don't want to. It's just…I don't know what's going on anymore. The people that I thought were my friends hate me and the people I though hate me apparently actually care about my well being. Everything is just so confusing now. Things would be so much more simple if I was dead. Then everyone could be happy. They wouldn't have to deal with me."
Buffy slapped Spike. Spike was shocked for a second. He couldn't believe she would do that.
"How dare you say that? If you killed yourself I would be left devastated. The hole that Pike and my father left is finally being filled, but I can't take losing another person I care about."
Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy. More tears feel from his face. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
Buffy placed her hand on Spike's face and lifted it so he would look at her. "I know. You're problem isn't that you don't care, it's that you care too much. You try not to but you do. You want people to love you. You want them to fill the gaping hole in your heart. You act out for attention because it's close enough to love. But is a broken heart even capable of love? Or does it need to be mended first?"
Buffy let go of Spike's face. He leaned it against her neck. "Please fix me," Spike whispered.
"I don't think I'm qualified."
Spike lifted his head. "Then at least love me."
Buffy started at Spike for a really long time. Spike became scared of a negative answer. Finally she softly said okay and leaned in. She softly placed her lips on his. Spike didn't know what was going to happen from there on out. He didn't know if he'd change his mind later on that night and follow through with the suicide. But he hoped he would remember the sweet taste of Buffy's lips and stay strong. And he hoped that if he became weak Angel would catch him and save his life. But most of all he hoped that love would be enough.
A/N: And that's the end. Once again, thanks for reading along. Send me a review and tell me what you thought of the fic and the ended. Also be sure to check out my other stories, like Mental, another AU Spuffy story. I'll currently working on a third Spuffy story called Humanity which will hopefully be up soon. It's about vampire Spike being turned into a human and learning how to cope with his humanity. Be sure to keep an eye out for it. And thanks for reading.
