Chapter 11: Nothing can stop you like a woman


Henry started putting away the Scrabble board as Elizabeth gathered the cardboard boxes that had contained their Chinese food. They had managed to get through two complete games. The only reason they had played the second was Henry was convinced he could win if he just upped his game. He had been mistaken. Elizabeth had beaten him both games, and not by a small margin, either.

"Are you going to have time to come eat lunch with me tomorrow?" She called from the kitchen.

"I should. We don't have anything scheduled." He said, still trying to figure out how he had gotten beaten so badly. He slid the Scrabble box onto its place on the shelf.

Elizabeth reentered the room. "You don't have any big international stings planned?" She queried, feigning shock.

"Not tomorrow." Henry chuckled.

"Well then, what do you guys even do over there all day sitting around the Pentagon?" She put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows, teasing.

Henry made a list, counting on his fingers. "You know... Play darts, topple foreign regimes, and cause some international conspiracy. Oh, and we eat a lot of bagels."

Elizabeth laughed. She walked up to Henry and leaned against him, kissing him softly. She loved kissing him. It was a way she could check in on him. He could cover up a lot – after all he was a trained spook – but when they kissed, Elizabeth could read right through him. Tonight, his lips were relaxed. It calmed her. When Henry had bad nights, his kisses were forced, and it upset her, even if she tried not to show it. She took his bad nights personally.

"Well, as far as I'm concerned you all can keep doing it as long as you keep wearing the sexy uniforms." She flirted, playing with the hem of his shirt.

Henry raised an eyebrow and held her hips gently. He knew she was still a little uncomfortable with too much physical contact. Kissing, she could handle, but she would only let him hold her if she initiated it. It made him appreciate their cuddling all the more.

"Is that what does it for you? The uniforms? Because I've still got a bunch of uniforms… I could start wearing dress blues every day."

"Are those the ones with the tight white pants?" She glanced up at him through her eyelashes.

Henry grinned at her. "Oh you just like the pants…"

"I don't just like the pants…" She countered, playing with the lapel on his blazer.

"Yeah?" He pecked her cheek, teasingly.

"I mean, the pants are nice…" She tried to flirt back, but a yawn overtook her, and she couldn't hide it.

Henry laughed. "Okay, babe. You need sleep." He rubbed her shoulder lightly.

Elizabeth nodded and then grew serious, looking up at him and biting her lip in worry. "You gonna be okay tonight?"

"Yeah." Henry said firmly as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "How about you? You alright?"

She nodded again, tucking her head into Henry's chest. "Tonight was good." She planted a kiss against his neck.

"Who knew Scrabble and Chinese food could make a good date?" He kissed the top of her head.

Henry rubbed Elizabeth's back and felt her tense slightly before she caught herself and relaxed. He kissed her in silent apology. He never meant to push her into physical contact, but he did hope he could help her loosen up.

"As long as you've got dumplings…" She continued trailing light kisses along his jaw before another yawn escaped.

"Okay, babe. Go sleep. I'll see you for lunch tomorrow." Henry encouraged.

"I love you." She clutched him tightly, not wanting to let him go.

Henry grinned, but tried not to show his delight. He would never get over the pride it gave him when Elizabeth said that.

"I love you, too, baby." He matched her hug and pressed a kiss into her hair.

"Would you bring me dumplings tomorrow?"

"Yes. I'll bring you dumplings, promise."

"Okay. Goodnight." She pecked him on the lips one last time and let Henry leave.

Henry stood on Elizabeth's porch smiling. There were three parts to his nightly ritual now. One was saying goodbye to Elizabeth, and that could take a long time, but it was the most enjoyable. The second part happened every night as he walked to his car parked in Elizabeth's driveway.

"Goodnight, Frank."

"Goodnight, Dr. McCord."

The final part of his nightly ritual would happen when he got home. He'd pour himself a glass of whiskey – probably three or four ounces, and if he started drinking it quickly right when he got home, he'd be ready to fall asleep by the time he had his clothes prepared for the next day.

Henry's new strategy was to drink very quickly rather than drinking a lot. He'd get drunk for a short amount of time, but that would let him get to sleep. Since he wasn't drinking all evening, he wasn't as hung over the next day. It was working pretty well, at least on the nights he couldn't be drunk all evening.


In the morning, Elizabeth woke up to the sound of her alarm. The first glow of sunlight was beginning to creep through the window, but most of the city was still asleep. The rest of the world, however, was not asleep. Europe would have started business hours ago, Asia would have just finished the day. She was always playing catchup. Picking up her phone, she scrolled through the headlines, trying to assess if there would be any major public issues she would have to address.

Nothing so far. A few articles about state level legislation, but that didn't bother her.

She sat up slowly, assessing how she felt. Her body was asking her to go back to sleep, but that wasn't an option. No, she needed to go into the office and begin any number of ongoing tasks that needed doing. Periodic budget review, foreign aid recommendations, evaluation of humanitarian treatment, monitoring of worldwide elections standards, statements about human rights abuses... The day to day drudgery was often pushed aside for more pressing emergencies. Deputies and undersecretaries were there for that kind of stuff.

But when Elizabeth wasn't occupied with an international crisis, she had to oversee the operations of the State Department. After all, she had final authority. She was ultimately responsible. If something went wrong, she had to answer to the President.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up from her bed. It was time to get to work. Time to put on her professionalism and restraint. She had to be even-tempered when she worked. Reacting harshly or emotionally could jeopardize so much more than her own reputation.

Not that she didn't enjoy the challenge or the job. But it was a lot, and she had to maintain control at all times. Her panic attack in front of Minister Chen had shown her that. That could have cost her her job. Worse, that could have started an international conflict...

Standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, she reached into her cabinet and pulled out the stained towel and razor blades. From the first time she intentionally cut with the beauty scissors, she had used the same towel when she was at home. She washed the towel often, but it still held a record every time she cut. There was something so satisfying about seeing the white fabric permanently marred by her blood. The pain that left her body left a mark. There was evidence – proof – of the lengths she went to to stay strong. The towel proved that she wouldn't let anything get to her. Her secret was her own... well, hers and Henry's at least. When she was around him, she didn't need to cut. When they were spending time together, the sound of his voice, the way he lit up when he was excited about something, the sound of his laugh... all of it made her happy. His happiness made her happy, too.

But Henry couldn't be with her at work. At work, she needed to be Secretary Adams, the collected, professional woman who was unfazed by anything. She had a job to do, and getting too close to her staff would only make that job harder to do. She wasn't uncaring, but the mission had to be their first priority. Everything else should be done on personal time. If staying above mindless gossip and office drama meant being a little too sterile – hiding her personality – so be it.

Glancing down at the blade in her hand, she knew the only way she could maintain her cool air of authority was to be a little bit detached from her emotions. She had to stay above the ups and downs of the office and her own mind. And that meant she had to cut. Because no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't shake the memories that would come back and overwhelm her. Of course she didn't want to cut, but the pain of cutting was nothing to the pain she would feel if she couldn't do her job. Elizabeth was a passionate, driven woman, and she wouldn't let herself disappoint the president or the country.


Nadine met her boss at the elevator. "Ma'am, we've got a situation with Texas."

"Good morning, Nadine." Elizabeth said pointedly.

Hanging her head momentarily, Nadine greeted the Secretary. "Good morning, ma'am." They walked together in silence until they got to Elizabeth's office.

It was one bit of formality Elizabeth liked to keep in the office. Situations could get tense and disturbing, but as long as they could start out the day with some professional distance, things were easier. Now that she was in the office, she was the Secretary, not Elizabeth. It was the only way she could keep her personal convictions separate from what she had to do as part of her job. While she might have liked to cut off ties to Saudi Arabia or support democratic challengers to dictators in Africa, she had to hold the official line of the administration to keep conflict from breaking out. Her job was to keep war from breaking out. Simple enough.

"Alright, tell me about Texas." Elizabeth sighed as she set her bag down on her desk.

"They're seceding." Nadine stated simply.

She groaned, bracing herself against her desk. "No, they're not. Because they know how incredibly stupid that would be. Tell me they know how incredibly stupid that would be…"

"Apparently not."

"Does Texas not realize I have better things to do? Why is this my job? Can't we make the Secretary of the Interior do this? What do they do in the Interior Department, anyway?" She whined.

"I don't know, ma'am. But Texas is claiming that it's a sovereign nation, so it falls under your authority."

Squaring her shoulders and seating herself, Elizabeth resigned herself to the task at hand. "Fine. Get me the governor. Or their president. Or whoever is in charge of Texas at the moment." She added as an afterthought, "And find out precisely what the Secretary of the Interior does."

"Yes, ma'am." Nadine nodded and left the room, glad that her boss hadn't completely exploded. It was definitely an annoying thing to have to deal with, but when it came down to it, Nadine knew the Secretary would always get things done. Even if her methods were unorthodox and she wasn't the most friendly person. Secretary Adams definitely maintained a cool exterior. Not rude or uncaring, but it was clear that she was self-sufficient.

Nadine mused that Secretary Marsh had been much more approachable. He had wanted company and friends. Secretary Adams was much more matter of fact about social relationships. She was distant for the most part – had her own way of doing things. If she hadn't been so good at her job, people would have resented her. They still resented her, but after nearly two years in office, they knew she was qualified. Qualified or not, no one would be running to Secretary Adams for sympathy anytime soon. No one would be offering it, either.


"Governor… You can't secede. You realize you'd have to set up your own international trade agreements? And I could make that very difficult for you." She spoke plainly. All of this was straightforward, no way to get around it.

Elizabeth tried to keep her tone commanding instead of exasperated. She wasn't sure how much success she was having. If only the person on the other end of the phone weren't being such a pain...

A drawling voice spoke condescendingly. "Typical Washington obstructionism…"

"Well if you don't want me to freeze all of your financial assets, you're going to have to work with me."

She hadn't had much concession in getting the governor to listen to her. He just spoke at her in quips and soundbytes with that deep Texas drawl. She had mentally nicknamed him Drawl because he seemed to luxuriate in the difference between their accents.

The governor hated everything about Secretary Adams and her New York education and her DC office. He thought the only true Americans were those who lived under the thumb of the government. The Washingtonian elites had no idea what life was like where people loved God and neighbor. Their values were completely different. There was nothing the Secretary could do to make him like her. He had already written her off because she was part of the establishment.

Elizabeth heard the drawl come again. "Texas won't put up with this. I'm sorry you won't support the Republic of Texas. We coulda kept selling y'all beef, but we can take our business elsewhere. Hope you weren't attached to your American hamburgers. Maybe Canada will trade with you."

With that, he hung up.

"Blake!" She yelled.

The young man came running in. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Get Nadine in here. And call Henry and cancel my lunch." It was not a trade Elizabeth wanted to make, her chief of staff for her boyfriend, but she didn't have a choice. She had to do her job. She had really been looking forward to lunch with Henry, though. It would have relaxed her. Instead, she was on edge and harried about the situation with Texas. She realized if she wanted to be able to keep a cool head, she'd probably need to cut at some point.

"Right away."

He scurried off and nearly ran into Nadine as he was hurrying to get her.

"She wants to see you in her office. I take it the call to the governor did not go well."

"Well, I doubt she's going to like what I have to say..."

Nadine left Blake in the hall and made her way to the Secretary's office. She had Jay in tow. When they got into the office, the Secretary didn't look up. She was standing behind her desk, looking out the window. "Ma'am, we have a development. Mexico is stationing armed troops along the border. Their ambassador says they are merely taking precautionary measures against a rogue state."

Elizabeth sunk in her chair. "Oh god. You have got to be kidding me. War with Mexico?" She flashed a glance at Nadine in disbelief.

"Well, ma'am, we could always let Mexico take Texas back..." She said facetiously.

"You have no idea how tempting that is right now." She took a breath, wanting the craziness to stop. "Get me satellite images of the Mexicans. Get DIA and Defense Security to get us information about targets and weapons capability in Texas. I need information about the situation on the ground. We need to know precisely who is in control of Texas's guns. Because their governor is not going to take time to deliberate..."

"Ma'am, even if we find out who is in charge of the government guns in Texas, I hate to point out that there are also a lot of private guns, too." Jay spoke up from the corner. She hadn't noticed him. Somehow her mind had been focused on other things.

"Yeah." She said distractedly. The situation was getting too complex. She needed to be able to concentrate, and her thoughts were racing unhelpfully. She needed to cut. "Have DIA and FBI get into it. Copy Russell Jackson's office on all of this, too. If this situation gets out of hand, we can't leave the president blindsided."

Nadine could tell they had been dismissed. "Yes, ma'am."


In her bathroom, Elizabeth grazed the blade across her skin, making thin cuts. Some were so shallow they barely broke the skin at all. She enjoyed focusing on the action of cutting. She wanted to take some time with it so she wouldn't have to focus on Texas. Without an idea of how to solve the situation, it was easier to cut.

She heard a knock on her office door. It sounded like Nadine had just walked right in because her voice came through the bathroom door and it sounded unnervingly close.

"Madam Secretary?"

Oh shit. "I'll be out in a minute, Nadine." She hurried, trying to sound normal. People go to the bathroom. Nothing weird about it. Play it cool.

"That's fine, Ma'am." Nadine called as she sat down, waiting for her boss.

Elizabeth breathed. Her cutting session was over. She needed to clean up quickly and make sure she was presentable. She couldn't have spots of blood showing or anything like that.

Normally, she took her time disinfecting her cuts and bandaging them. With Nadine waiting for her, she knew she'd only have a minute or two to do all that before Nadine got suspicious. If only she had cut on her arm so all she would have had to do would be to slide her sleeve down. She had been cutting on her leg, so she had to wrap her leg in gauze and then carefully slide on her pants and adjust everything to make sure there wasn't a bulge.

Once she was satisfied that Nadine wouldn't notice, she exited the bathroom and moved quickly to her desk.

Nadine looked up from the briefing she was reading. Her boss hadn't peppered her with questions, as was her usual style. Secretary Adams was just sitting there staring at her lap.

"Ma'am?"

The Secretary seemed to shake herself from a daze, Nadine noticed.

"Yeah. What is it?" Elizabeth's voice was blank, lacking her usual authority.

"The federal judges in Texas have signed a letter saying…" She began but stopped when she saw her boss holding her head in one hand, eyes closed.

"Ma'am? …Would you like me to give you a few minutes?" Nadine asked carefully.

"Huh? Oh, sure. Thank you." Elizabeth muttered, not looking up.

Nadine gathered her papers and left the office, thinking about what she had just observed. She knew better than to meddle in her boss's affairs. It wasn't her job to pry. And there had been plenty of other times she'd seen the Secretary act like that. She hadn't noticed it before Iran, but after Iran, she had certainly noticed the Secretary occasionally acting distant. Not that international diplomacy had ever been jeopardized, but Nadine could tell something was up.

Glancing down at her watch, deciding to give the Secretary twenty minutes, Nadine chalked up the behavior to general fatigue. Nothing out of the ordinary for someone who worked the kind of hours the Secretary did.

Elizabeth sat in her office, riding the endorphin high she got from cutting. She knew she should be worried that Nadine might start suspecting her secret. Nadine was a resourceful woman, and Elizabeth certainly didn't want her digging around asking questions. But at the moment, she just couldn't care about anything. She felt blessedly stoic, impartial, and unaffected. Nadine didn't matter, really. At the end of the day, Nadine had to do what Elizabeth told her to do. Even Texas didn't matter. No matter what happened, Elizabeth and her DC townhouse would be fine. She would be fine as long as she still had tools to cut herself.


Later, Nadine sat in the Secretary's office, trying to convince her to see reason. "Ma'am, Jay and I really don't think you should go."

Elizabeth was trying to convince them that the only way she could talk sense into the governor was to fly down to Austin and demand a meeting.

Jay agreed with Nadine. "It gives them legitimacy. And if they refuse to see you, it makes you look ineffective. It could backfire. Besides, apparently the governor is at some kind of party."

Elizabeth was incredulous. Her endorphin high had worn off, and she was starting to feel the angry indignation again. "He's at a party? He just seceded from the union, became a traitor to his country, and he's at a party?"

"An independence day party… Ma'am." Nadine clarified.

"Oh, I don't have time for this." She scoffed, pacing around her office, feeling the slight tug on her cuts each time she extended her leg.

Blake came in the office where Jay and Nadine were discussing the situation with Elizabeth.

"Yes, Blake?" Elizabeth spoke over their heads to her assistant.

"Ma'am, you wanted to know what the Secretary of the Interior does?"

"Oh, right." She laughed. Their earlier conversation seemed like it had happened weeks ago, and it had only been that morning. "Yes, Blake. Please educate us all."

Blake looked around the room nervously. He wasn't usually in the position of briefing anyone. And none of the people in the room looked very encouraging. "Apparently she is in charge of land and resource management. Livestock, grazing, fisheries, native affairs and education, and the national park service."

"Huh, I probably should have known that." Elizabeth stopped to think about how she had overlooked an entire cabinet level department. A thought suddenly occurred to her, and she stopped her pacing.

"Blake, you said she's in charge of livestock and grazing?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Get her over here. She and I are flying to Austin. Get the plane ready. We're leaving as soon as she gets here."

This time, her voice was final, and her staff knew there was no point arguing. Their concerns had been heard and overridden. The Secretary would do what she would do, and no one could stop her.